To sum it up, married 20 yr. had an A from Oct 21st to Jan. 19th. I moved out of the house and stayed w/ OM for 2 weeks and am now living in an apt.Broke off the relationship w/OM and have NO contact w/OM since Jan.19th. My H and I have been talking and seeing each other since, we both want to work things out and seem to be doing relatively well until we are apart and then his mind starts wandering and then he goes into what he calls a "dark place" in his mind. When he asks why I did what I did I tell him I was selfish and folishly blind with the attention I was getting from the OM. I have appologized and expressed my deep regret for betraying his trust and have been completely open and honest with my H. But he is still having a hard time getting processing it all. 6 yrs ago I thought he was having an A which he denies anything phyiscal ever happened, but the point I'm trying to make is it was real in my head and that I understand the things he's goin through. Anyway, I have been completely transparent with him and I was wondering what else I can do or say or is is just going to take time?

Your words are empty and meaningless to him. You made a vow to him before God and witnesses to "forsake all others" and you have broken that vow.

Only continuous action over time, not more empty words, will demonstrate your remorse.


Look up "the grieving process."


Well, if you thought it was an affair, that should be enough.

However, you still don't "understand" the things he is going through. You slept with another man, and LEFT HIM for another man, ON TOP OF ALL THE CRAP YOU HAVE TOLD HIM TO JUSTIFY YOUR ADULTEROUS ACTIONS. And you know you did, and we know you did. Waywards lie and babble.


Time.

And action.

First, I would change one word in your thread title: mistake.

A mistake is when someone makes a typo. An affair is not a "mistake." It is a torpedo dropped into a M.

Yes. It does take time. A LOT of time. And accepting full responsibility for your choices, and no contact EVER with the OM, and showing him with your actions that you will protect the M, and compassion, and empathy, and selflessness, and a complete focus on your DH and his healing.

Never made excuses, Not justifying it, taking responsibilty for my actions. And the words I am saying are sincere.

As sincere as "til death do us part?"

As sincere as "I would never cheat?"

As sincere as "I love you?"

You have proven yourself a liar and a cheat, to your husband's ears, your words are empty and meaningless. Your actions? Damage control.

Continued, consistent action over time.

Thank you angry holdherhand.

not looking for sympathy or any one to take my side...I KNOW what I did was WRONG. I am asking for help. Guidance, advice.

Not that angry.

How about not being defensive, and absorb that a bit, eh?

forgive me holdherhand. were you trying to be helpful?

Trace,

Here's a todo list to start:

1. Read all the principles on this site.

2. Get and read Dr. Harley's book, "Surviving an Affair".

3. Call the Harley's for a counseling appointment.

4. Develop empathy for your husband and other betrayed spouses.

Be aware that marital recovey under the best circumstances (both spouses totally onboard) takes months/years.

AM

thank you armymama, I appreciate the advise.

HHH is most definitely trying to help you. We WS's LIE. We get very good at lying. We lie to our H's during our A's, we lie afterwards.

So, your H is now in the spot of not believing anything that comes out of your mouth.

Your words are meaningless to him.

And trust me, yes, I know it hurts when -if- you are saying things that are genuinely sincere, but that's the consequence of lying. Sort of like the boy who cried "wolf" learned.

You make promises now, but as HHH pointed out, you also made promises to your H on your wedding day. All he can see is how you didn't keep those promises.

I've been in your shoes. Its a long road ahead to walk, but the reward is worth it. I'm still walking that road, 18 months after my A ended. I've taken a lot of wrong turns on that road, and you probably will too. But the guidance of the folks here is invaluable. I'm still working towards the reward of a new, passionate, reconciled M with my BH.

Read, absorb, learn, grow.

Have the moderators move this thread to surviving an affair Trace

Maybe later you can come back to recovery. Don't see that yet though. There is more traffic in the surviving board and plenty of good advice from vets.

Oh, ho!! Say it isn't so, HHH.

Trace90, you're going to hear a lot that won't fit into your neatly wrapped conception of what help entails.

Today is February 16, you have been in NC for less than thirty days. Your post comes across, especially to BH's like HHH, as meaning how can I get my husband to get over it. A very common theme for the WS because seeing what happens to a BS and having them remind you of how much pain you've caused is understandably an uncomfortable experience. Not that we would have much sympathy for that part of the WS experience, the sympathy would go to the BS.

Some of the advice you're going to get is from FWS of both sexes - going to ask them if they're trying to be helpful also?

Send your husband here, if he isn't here already.

Your affair ended less than a MONTH ago. You can't firebomb Rome, then wonder why it doesn't look the same 3 weeks later.

Rebuilding your marriage is like rebuilding Rome. It takes time and a LOT of hard work.

There are things you can do--follow Armymama's advice, for starters. I'd stop saying you understand what he's feeling, because YOU DON'T. Even if he *did* have an affair, the fact that you LEFT HIM means he's also dealing with an obscenely huge amount of rejection on top of the betrayal itself.

Listen, listen, listen to him. Let him be angry, let him be hurt, let him be confused and anguished. Read every article on this site that you can. Do not ever, EVER!!! talk or contact the other man again. Do not rush your husband through the healing process. Understand your actions have created feelings in him that are basically identical to what would have happened if you murdered his loved ones. You can't take that away in a month or a year.

This site can help, but you must be open to being helped.

How do I move this to another thread?

I think you just click notify and then ask them to move it to SAA.

Click the notify button at the bottom of the posts.

Trace, no need to apologize to me, YOU haven't offended ME. Nor would I dare hold my FWW's offense against YOU.

As a few have pointed out, I am really just trying to point out what your husband, as a BS, feels, or thinks like.

It was something that I had to learn myself, among many other things.

At one time, I honestly couldn't figure out why I could not hear a dang thing my FWW said to me. I wanted to love her, I wanted to trust her... but I couldn't.

So, I had to learn lesson #1; feelings follow actions.

Love, hate, anger, remorse, resentment - all of these feelings are associated with actions that make us feel good or make us feel bad, and the people we associate them with.

And those feelings, those associations have to be built through consistent action over time. For the negative emotions, the greater the impact, the longer amount of time, the greater the actions needed to overcome that negative association.

So, for the WS, when you asked "What do I do to help my betrayed spouse?" the answer often comes as "You do whatever it takes, for as long as it takes."

Of course, it all has a beginning, Trace.

That beginning goes like this;

You must vow to never contact your affair partner (AP) ever again, for the rest of your life. This can and will include the drafting and delivery of a No Contact (NC) letter to your affair partner that states your love for your spouse, your commitment to your marriage, and stating there will be no contact for life.

You must change your lifestyle in a way which not only guarantees that you will not have contact with your AP, but you will never again fall into an affair - these changes are referred to as Extraordinary Precautions (EP). This includes things like quitting your job if you work with your AP, or if work can be a point of contact, or moving to another state to maintain no contact with your AP. It also includes total transparency with your husband; he should have access to your cell phone, email, computer, and any and all social networking site accounts you maintain.

And that is where you begin...

How do you know you're in recovery:

1. You have had no-contact with your affair partner for a time. More than a few days.

2. Your affair partner and you both understand that you will never, ever have any contact with one another, in any way, for the rest of your lives. If this is not the case, you should draft a letter with your betrayed spouse indicating this is the case, and ask your betrayed spouse to mail it on your behalf.

3. Your affair has been exposed to -- at the very least -- those who should know:
* The betrayed spouse.
* The affair partner's spouse/fiancee/boyfriend/girlfriend, if any.
* Any person who may help you avoid the temptation of the affair in the future, like parents or best friends.
* Any person who may help your spouse overcome the betrayal, and in particular any person your spouse thinks should know.
* Your children, if any, over the age of four or five years old.

4. You are no longer experiencing withdrawal symptoms from your affair partner. These symptoms of addiction are common to most addictions. If you are experiencing more than one or at most two of these symptoms, you are still addicted and not yet in recovery:

* Your affair still causes problems in your relationships, such as fights with your partner or family members, an unhappy boss, or the loss of old friends.
* You are still on antidepressants -- or wish you were -- to avoid or relieve withdrawal symptoms.
* You experience emotional withdrawal symptoms such as mood swings, restlessness, insomnia, depression, and anxiety.
* Your mind still obsesses about the affair partner. You spend a lot of time thinking about them, or figuring out how you could see them.
* You haven't yet resumed activities you used to enjoy, such as hobbies, sports, and socializing.

Good luck!