I know I am not Gack1 nor am I a BH dealing with an OC. However, I AM a BW dealing with an OC and visitation etc.
Let me tell you from my perspective that it is hard for BOTH the WS and the BS once an OC is public knowledge. Previously I had only exposed to a select few friends/ family about the OC. When the decision was made to begin visitation (OC was nearly 4) my FWH had to do some broad exposure of his own to pave the way. We met together with our church leaders and they helped get him ready to go forward at church to confess about the A and subsequent OC. Two weeks later OC started attending church with us. I had to tell my brother and his wife and my dad. These were the last of the immediate family who had not been exposed to.

It did not change our relationships with ANYONE and in fact we got unbelievable support and love out of everyone, especailly our church family. OC is loved and accepted as though he were a product of our M by all including MY family.

The hardest part for *me* was neighbors. DH has a hard time telling people who OC is unless necessary. After the initial exposure he just couldn't face having to tell people over and over so that part has been done as people asked (well except for our immediate next door neighbors he told them).

My wider circle of "friends" and extended family that I rarely see have no idea. I do not talk about the OC on FB or to family I rarely see. Why? Because each encounter embarasses ME and shames ME even though it wasn't my affair that produced that child. I anticipate that though this will pain and shame you that the bigger "shame" will be your BH's. You need to encourage him and praise him both publicly and privately for his deep love for you and this child. Even the days you don't feel very loving or proud of your H, dig deep down and praise him. Let him hear through the grapevine of your bragging on him.

As for you, the details are personal between you and BH. Keep it that way unless he specifically says otherwise. You need to jointly come up with a statement of fact about your marriage being in recovery and you working a plan for a better marriage. Don't feed the gossip mill.

I wanted to add to this... we (H and I) set the tone for how others treat OC. You will need to take quite a few on the chin as my H has done but it will be well worth it for the sake of your OC. If in fact, her bio dad gets visitation then both of (BH and you) not to trash bio dad EVER. Never a bad word about OW crosses my lips in the presence of OC. (my tongue has the bite marks to prove it, LOL)

As I said in the other thread. Family and close friends know, WW told them after exposure as a last ditch effort to legitimize her relationship and stay with om. There is no reason for anyone else to know.

I would not be able to do this.

Thank you so much. I just read this aloud to my BH and it is very encouraging to see that you've gotten through this in one piece.

Here is something to contemplate.

WW with OC is different than WH with OC

1. OM is not going to get 50/50 he will get every other weekend and will have to pay you child support.

2. OC will not be around every other weekend. This is not the same as a new child showing up and having to be explained every other weekend.

3. After a wile OM may tire of paying Child Support, possibly tire of the whole thing... And after a wile you will have some leverage to remove him from your life.

I see no reason that any but the closest of relatives ever "need" to be told. And they may not need to be told any time soon.

I agree to an extent. OC will talk about her "other dad". They will have some weekends free of OC without explanation. Close friends and close family should be told. This is not a secret anymore if OC knows about her parentage.

OM may never gain any rights.
OM may also "Opt Out" before OC is old enough to understand.

This brings up the question of when and if OC should be told later.

Gack, what have you and your wife decided as far as when/how/what to tell your OC?

Remember how I told you that my wife never cared that it was an unspoken, but accepted fact that her father was not her genetic donor, and that she was an OC. That she had no interest in proving her father was not her father or finding out who her real father was. And that as far as she was concerned her father was her father.

Then she left, got preg, returned, and was all of a sudden hell bent on making sure O.C. new her "Real" father because she never new hers, and how she claimed it had constantly bothered her and had ruined her life and Blahh, Blahh, Blahhh, Blahhh.

Yea, about that.

FOG!

It was just one more attempt at keeping contact with OM.

Then the fog started ever so slowly clearing.

Today my wife is convinced that OC should NEVER be allowed to know she is not mine, and certainly not her true genetic origins. And if she ever did find out, every effort should be put forth too discourage her from meeting OM. (And being an OC never bothered her)

I don't want her to know, but to many people do know. Someone is going to tell her at some point, just like was done to my wife by her aunt.

So we have not come to a decision yet, and it is very rare that we talk about it. We have a few years to decide before we need to make a final decision.

But I don't think we will be telling her until she is a young adult, if we tell her.

It's a tough decision.

It is tough, and maybe there's no right answer.

A lot of people know in our case as well. In fact, since my H had a vasectomy so many years ago, pretty much everyone in the family had to be told the truth. All of our older kids know.

So, I'm sure it's bound to come out eventually. I would rather our OC hear it from us then accidentally learn the truth from someone else. But I don't know how or when we will tell her.

I would agree.

Sorry but I believe you are wrong wrong wrong not to tell OC about her parentage, every child has the right to know and if they are told when they are little it just becomes part of their story, telling them when they are older is so traumatic.

Think of the children who are adopted and not told, it's just more lies.

As an adoption social worker we always counsel adopters to tell the child they are not birth children but special. It stops the fantasy. They don't need details, just reassurance they are loved and when they ask questions answer the question, don't get into your own issues.

Sorry to butt in but it horrifies me that children are being lied to about their parentage to protect the adults.

Children come first and if they can't be told the truth then maybe adoption is a better way forward. IMHO

Okay, and how on earth are we supposed to make a child feel "special" by telling them that mommy chose to sleep with a man other than daddy, and then got pregnant by this other man, who isn't a part of their lives?

It's kind of a lot more difficult to explain a situation like this to a young child than it is something like adoption. There are books that help you explain adoption to a young child. Adoption is pretty commonplace. The OC situation isn't acceptable in our society, isn't common (at least it isn't commonly talked about) and there are no books to help explain anything.

My daughter is 2. There's no way I could ever explain something like this on any level she'd be capable of understanding. She's never seen her biological dad and probably never will. It isn't going to be something she has always known, since her bio dad isn't a part of her life. The only daddy she knows is the one she lives with, who adores her and treats her like his own child. She's happy, secure, loved, and cared for. I think that's all she needs to know at this point and time.

Writer,

It will be a difficult thing but if you approach it right, your daughter will know that her mother made an awful mistake but both she and her father (adopted) love her SOOOOO much that they were willing to do the hard work to fix it so that they could better love each other and her.

As a young child she will only get out of this that she is special and that will feel good. When she grows up, hopefully this will parlay into a deep understanding of the unconditional love of a true father.

I agree, except that she wasn't really "adopted" by my H. He is her legal father and has been since birth. His name is the one listed on the birth certificate. OM has no legal rights to her at all and never has.

I do intend to tell my daughter the truth someday, but not until she's old enough to understand. At 2, she simply wouldn't be capable of grasping such concepts as biological vs. non-biological.

I don't know what the right age to tell her will be. I suppose we'll have to cross that bridge when we get there.

(((writer))) I know you will tell OC when the time comes. In the meantime, she is blessed with two parents who love her wholly and completely. Your H is her dad in every sense of the word. OM is just a sperm donor.

So should my friend who had an egg donor because her body betrayed her and went into menopause early tell her kids about their "mom"? Please people, there are more complicated issues outside of adoption here and writer never once said she was going to lie to her DD.

Ditto. And please folks, until your are smack in the middle of this sitch, trust me, you never know what you might do or not do.

Ain't that the truth!

I do think it's important that a child knows the difference between a father and a dad, anyone can father a child but it takes a real man to be a dad, and you are also teaching her that telling the truth might be hard but is always better than lies.

For a child to find out at 18 that nothing in her understanding of her/his identity is true, that her parents have hidden the truth from them for years will possibly destroy all the work you put in.

Anyone who is in this situation is facing lots of impossible decisions, as does the child of a rape, when would you tell a child that? Bit we all know, that lies breed lies and soon we end up in a loose / loose situation.

A childs bio parentage is just a small part of who they are, how big a part is down to you.



Just my thoughts.

Umm, not on this site. The M comes first. If the M doesn't come first there is nothing for the children. Nobody on this site ADVOCATES for lying. It is what brought all of us here in the first place. However, when to discuss these issues with children varies from family to family, situation to situation, and child to child. The parents will know when it is the right time. Maybe they will fail to tell them soon enough, parents make mistakes. If they are raised in a loving family and know who their "real" mom and dad are (the ones that raised them, NOT the biological donors) they will be fine. If the parents aren't so great then they might not be so fine, this is why we are human and have so many different opinions.

Tanam - I'm one of those OCs that found out as an adult. There's no way I should have been told when I was younger. No Way!

I could not have handled it. It would have destroyed me.

It was not ideal when I was told, how I was told. I witnessed the infidelity as a toddler but had been gaslighted by my mother to suppress the memories. When I finally recognized that toddlers don't have the kinds of memories I had, I confronted her as an adult. The truth came spilling out - a lot more than I was probably ready for. But knowing all of that, just take it from an OC - this is not an adoption. My father is the man who raised me. OM was an impostor who had neither the courage to do the right thing for his own family or the family he created with my mother. He is less than nothing to me.

But as a child - well, let's just say it would have really really messed up my life.