Hello,

I am a FOW. I behaved shamefully and selfishly and there is no excuse whatsoever for my actions. I am willing to take whatever 2x4s you dish out and I hope it isn't disrepectful to post this here but I have a question and I really want to do the right thing.

I had an affair with a married man starting in 1996, his wife found out, divorced him and we married in 1999. She has also remarried. We each had two children. My two lived with us and one of his eventually came to live with us as well. His former wife has hated me with a vengeance and done everything imaginable to try to keep us apart and her children away from me. Even to this day.

I thought during the early years she was crazy but now know that she was doing everything she should have done.

With that background in mind, here is my question... I am now a totally different person than I was at that time. I have a relationship with Jesus and could not possibly regret more having an affair. I have been dealt with spiritually on this matter and I know that I am forgiven by God but I have been a changed person for years now and I still have this nagging feeling that I should apologize to the wife. Is that the right thing to do?

I know that there are no words I could ever say and nothing I could ever do to erase the pain I caused. I do not really expect her to forgive me. I just feel like I owe her an apology because I wronged her greatly and have never acknowledged that to her. She was right. I was wrong. Period.

Would any one of you here want an apology? Would it upset you more to have it brought up and feel it disrespectful or would you have any peace knowing that your pain was acknowledged and that the person who caused it owned it?

I want to do what is right for her, not for me, and I don't know what that is now. I do not want to do this to ease my conscience, if it is going to make her feel worse I will not do anything! Just hoping that some one here who could see from her view point could tell me what you would like to have, if anything, from the OW after all these years.

Thanks for your time and consideration.
NewCreation

Nope.

Leave the woman alone.

I got an apology from the xOW. It did help a tiny bit because I have her child from her A with my H in my life. If she were not even remotely in my life, then NO I would not want to hear from her. You as the stepmother to her children (in my opinion) do owe her an apology but don't expect her to accept it.

So, if this is sincere and without expectations then I say yes.

Well considering that in all affair cases here there is NC EVER allowed I would have to say no .. If you didnt appologize then, you would only be triggering her and her hubby of the affair and causing more harm and a rehash of the events that took place when the affair started. You have your faith in Jesus .. and his forgiveness is really all that matters. I personally think you hsould leave it alone and let it be. But thats just me. Having not knowing of MB I would have most likely said YEs .. an appology would be nice but why bring up the past. Whats done is done.

No .. do not break NC. JMHO.

*shrugs*

MrNiceGuy.....there is no no-contact.
She is still married to the man she conspired to homewreck with.

Well I am married to her ex husband now so I don't think it is breaking NC unless she is to have NC with us? Is that how it is best?

Probably what is best is to divorce her ex husband and then apologize for getting involved with him and telling her she is free to try to mend her marriage to him.



Then, let her decide if she wants to give him a chance.

Meanwhile, you move far away and never have any contact with either of them ever again in this lifetime. You find an unattached fella and make a life with him way out yonder.

lol

Good Point Reading ... Then Yes .. maybe send her a letter. Since you are married to her ex ... This is a really tough one. I think you should pray about it and see what god puts in your heart. Ask him for direction and most likely (if not already) your heart will press one way or the other.

And for those of you who think I do owe an apology what would be the best way to offer it? A letter, a phone call, drive to her town and ask if she will have coffee with me? Any advice on what I could or should say? I don't want to rehash stuff, although I would honestly answer any question she wanted to ask. Somehow just "I am sorry" sounds lame considering what I did.

And no I do not expect her to accept it or for me to get anything out of it outside of doing the right thing.

How long has it been since you spoke directly to her?
What was said?

Reading, I actually did leave and almost divorce my husband because of my grief and guilt and shame. It took a lot of counseling with our pastor and his wife and also a professional Christian counselor to get me where I am today. The wife has also already remarried herself and is a Christian. She felt (rightly) relieved of her marraige vows to my now husband due to the adultery and I wouldn't think would feel divorcing her new husband without biblical cause would be okay.

BTW if anyone thinks it might be helpful or a wake up call to any of the Wayward spouses out there I would be willing to type a post of exactly what kind of heartache and consequences you and your "soul mate" will face if you continue and marry eachother. The fall out is not pretty, NOT happily ever after, and if you do grow as a person the guilt and shame are nearly unbearable.

Gack the last I spoke to her was about 7 years ago when her younger child came to live with us. I scanned and emailed her a school picture and her first report card at the new school and she did not appreciate hearing from me and we ended up having a horrible argument via email. I still did not realize the depth of my error at the time, thought I was being a big person sending her that stuff because husband and daughter would not themselves so when she let in to me I let her have it back. Very self-righteous and ugly. It is not one of my proud days for sure.

If you are truly sorry for what you did - which was have an affair with a married man, help destroy his family and then keep him for yourself - if you are sorry in the sense of "I wish I'd never done that," then you will divorce this man and get out of his life. He will be free to go back to his family and you will have done something to pay for the damage you have done.

If you do that, then you can send the Betrayed Wife a letter of apology.

But if you intend to keep your ill-gotten gains and only want to send the Betrayed Wife a letter that says, "Sorry you were hurt by this", then don't even think about it. The BW will only take this as you taking your Big Win and rubbing it in her face. Because you would be.

And yes, I am entirely serious about this.

ITA with faithy. Try it but do not expect a THING from her in return.

Your apology will not bring her family back together and it will not erase her pain. It MAY help her to realize you have changed, if you truly have.

Do NOT expect anything in return.

Then no.

And if you truly, truly, want to show you are sorry...
Do what Mulan says.
Otherwise suck it up and deal with the guilt.

Though she remarried another man.....leave her alone.

Continue trying to be a better person yourself and just leave her alone.

Mulan is that because you think she would actually want a chance back with him (because she is remarried)or just because we don't deserve to be together for any reason because of the affair? Do you think it will give her satisfaction just simply for us to have not worked out? Its been since 1996. Not trying to be smart at all. I am seriously asking because that was my original thinking when I first came to terms with what I had done a couple of years back. My pastor and my counselor didn't believe God would want two more divorces and that He forgives but I struggled hard on that one.

Mulan ~ the BW is now re-married. She probably wants nothing to do with POSWXH anyhow. If the BW had not re-married, maybe this would be a possibility. I, for one, am praying the BW found a much better husband, one who is and always will be, faithful.

NewCreation ~I would suggest an email. I doubt she wants to see you. You might post it here for feedback before you send it. If it has even ONE iota of self-pity or blame it will go over like a lead balloon.

P.S. and as if wasn't bad enough that you stole her H...you stole her child as well.

Good grief, the heartache that woman has gone through must have been near unbearable.

Why do you have her child?