She will retain this home and continue paying for it until we can sell it and I will live in my camper till I get on my feet is the only options I have.

You need to do some hardcore exposing onemoretime... If that won't work, you let her move, and not you... Then you go dark b. I think your wife has some male friends out there that is why she wants to separate so badly.

Eric

I think if someone wants to change they have to do something. For her to change, she has to change her actions and thought patterns. She has to take steps and decide what she will change and the steps taken. As well, she has to show that the changes are permenant. But if she does nothing, things will stay the same and the same patterns are repeated. Just like anything in life from marriage to work to school study habits, etc.

And you shouldn't be working on the marriage on her terms (if that is what you mean bu "per her").

Overwhelmed

If SHE wants to separate in order to 'work' on the marriage (which, of course, makes no sense at all) then SHE needs to leave.

I don't get why you're rolling over for her and her OM. Are you afraid of her?

I really really dont think there are other male friends that is driving her to say she wants a separation but you may be correct.I dont know for sure and I do know that many that ask for separation have this as a driving force. Given her history its possible.

No Im not afraid of her at all...

Good, because fear is an emotion that has its place in the world, and its place isn't involved in killing an A.

So if you're not afraid, are you planning to:

Let her know your requirements for staying in the marriage (which includes dumping OM like a hot rock)
She writes a NC letter
Nobody lives in the trailer
You prepare to expose at their job
You call the OMW (it wouldn't be hard to get her number)

Im down with nobody lives in the camper..yes
Expose at there job will create financial havoc and he lives 1500 miles away. I will compound problems there.
Im down with exposing to OMW I have spent hours on the internet and cant find his or there contact info yet.Suggestions? Im pretty good around the net.
I dont even know what my requirements are anymore and she is not on board with any of the concepts.

Im guessing its slow this time of day...

onemoretime - try intellius.com , spokeo.com and YP.com

Ok I just confirmed through his superior at work that he has never traveled to SC and that he in fact has only been assigned to work with my wife for 3 weeks. For them to Investigate I have to make a formal complaint. I have to send the superior an email but he also now knows what went on. Usually complaints results in a termination.
No luck on any public record of him and his wife via facebook,whitepages,phonebook ETC all I find is a few public records in there county. I paid 1.95 for a number that was disconnected.Look on linked in and every site I could google.

Again I will say i have been distrusting of her for the last 5 years. I have watched the cell number with a watchful eye...emails everything. Once betrayed there is always transparency and I have held her to it. Obviously If I caught a phone call 4 hours after it took place I have been suspicious again

I think that because we were not meeting each others ENs and since in the last 5 years this is a repeated thing that she wants a separation to either fix this for good or to move to D. Yes I think separation to fix is stupid. But if I continue to smother her and try to make her work on our marriage I am "Scared" it will just push her away.

I dont know why she keeps making the wrong decisions because in all the other areas of our life she is wise and makes the right decisions. She seems to not to be able to break the pattern of forming inappropriate relationships. Her boundaries are not where they need to be.

One thing that hit me when I read it today is that I bounce from wanting to reconcile to wanting to kick her out of my life.

She wants to work on it she says and she is open to seeing a therapist.

I agree with Reynolds531. YOU do not go to the camper. If anyone goes, SHE goes. YOU stay in your home!

However, I would not agree to any separation.

Separation is merely so she can have freedom to carry on with her affairs, and so that she can "justify" her cheating by saying that she's "separated".

When it comes to the kids, you be the best dad that you can possibly be. If that involves being the "runner for the kids", then sobeit. Document, document, document any and everything you do for the kids. The more you do for/with your kids, the better. It will help you if you end up divorcing and in a custody battle.

Unfortunately, this is very normal. It'll get better as you recover, because:

Schedule an appointment with the Harleys.

I wish I could schedule with them but I will be honest I dont have to money to do it.(my marriage is worth millions) So I will TRY to find it. Until then I will stall...

I dont believe there are affairs happening. This was certainly Inappropriate behavior but really is it a EA? Maybe I agree. But theres no other evidence of anyone else.

Just a little update...

We have a session scheduled for Friday with a local group...would love to have the Harleys soon and Im working on that. I hope its not a conflict to have 2 professionals. But the other is just a trial and a quick solution. She obviously has boundary issues that she HAS to solve. I picked someone that is PM and someone I think she would have picked as well.

There will be no separation..if she wants one she was told to make arrangements to leave. She doesn't want to do that. I have however agreed to spend some random nights over there. ( I am doing this for me)3 miles away after dinner and some conversation.Thoughts on this?

She is extremely remorseful and has agreed to to work a plan again.I dont think I will be dealing with stage 2 as there is no way with the limited amount of time these 2 were in a inappropriate relationship that dependency formed. But there is always the danger of just driving this underground and I am very aware of that.But lets just say I have found a set of "eyes" in the workplace.

Exposure and NCL are DONE or at least all im going to do EXCEPT if I find the OMW contact numbers. Not textbook but I have no more interest in doing this and with the first hint of anything I am washing my hands. I have told her I expect total transparency and accountability and she has agreed.

There has been great improvements from her meeting my EN since 2 hours after I discovered. Hopefully this will continue.

We both have to work on LB. I will strive to deposit and not withdraw.

I am at some point going to have to force MB ways on her. Not sure how to do that. My plan so far is to use tid bits of information. But the group we will be using for sessions is also working a very similar plan. We will see.

2 years ago I said I wouldnt go through this again.But I find that I am willing because of my deep love for her and my family.But I vow I will not let my marriage ever take a second chair again.Life work with all my care and consideration. BUT if I find another EA AKA inappropriate relationship I will throw in the towel. I surprised Im not ready to do that now. Had this been someone local and of had more age on the relationship I think I would have.(1500 miles and 3 weeks certainly needs to be treated a little differently than same office and daily physical contact)And I think she deserves one more shot.

I cannot dwell its poison in my mind. I cannot obsess.

With all of this be assured I have set up or I am in the works of setting up major snooping ability's and expectations. GPS enabled via cell, keylogger on all PCs except office of course, Hack program on cell that records all events and relays, physical eyes on her at WP.But I cannot obsess.Tho I must protect.

If Im leaving something out please help me figure out what that is and if Im doing something wrong in your opinion please voice it.

If "Stage 2" means leaving the workplace, I suspect you are in for trouble by not insisting upon it. Especially because this A was just starting to bloom. The only 'eyes' I would trust in there would be YOURS.

I suspect this A will go underground. They usually do when the BS diverts from the plan.

I agree to a degree...LOL
First I really dont think where she works at this point is going to matter. I am going to be in danger and she has proven this by choosing to develop EAs at every work place. So if its not here then its the next place. But she must work. And I cant live my life worrying about where she works. At least here this is 1500 miles away. Would I rather have her develop something new thats close by? NO. The key is for her to make the morally right decisions here. She did in both other 2 situations. And if this is something she cant do I would really rather have her do it NOW so that I can move on.
Secondly, the company is in process of reassigning both of them. Once completed they have no reason to communicate. If they do it will be easily traced if that need ever arises for me to use it because it will have to be inner office and those records can be obtained.
I dont like diverting but just as a suit, sometimes they need tailored to fit the person.

Bump...looking for some more input