I am still awaiting my copy of SAA as I am in a different country to most of you.

From what I can read, we are in Plan A.

We are trying to fill up eachother's LB's as much as possible. All is going well and it's like it used to be before the A (when WH had to live seperately to us for 3 months for work - I wish I knew about MB before we made this decision).

How do I fill his LB up when..
a. I don't want him to think I have accepted his A and am ok with it
&
b. Alot of the time I am still so broken and hurt inside that I don't necessarily want to be so lovely toward him.

I constantly worry that I am not as 'nice' as the OW. I spoke to her on the phone once, I can just imagine how she made him feel because she's one of these people who are so sweet and glossy on the outside.

I know what triggered the A. I have learnt so much from you all and MB. I get that we were seperated by distance and he had EN's that I couldn't fullfill over the phone and on email and skype. I now see that he was ALOT weaker than I thought he ever was. I completely hate though, that he has brought us to this point when previously we had always had our LB's full to the brim (both of us agree that we've always had a wonderful relationship before I had to return to my home country early while he finished off work in the country we were living in as expats).

I guess in summary what I am asking is how do I move on without looking like I am sweeping it under the carpet or that I have let him off easily?

Also how do you cope with people knowing about WH's A ? I have friends who i think have since found out, but for whatever reason haven't brought it up in conversation, so then I don't and i feel like a fake because I am just talking normally about normal stuff and talking about WH like nothings ever happened.

Sorry this was long ...

Welcome to Marriage Builders, sadandmad.

I think you should ask the moderators to move this thread to the Surviving An Affair forum -- you'll get better and more responses there. You aren't yet in marital recovery.

Click the 'notify' button at the lower right and place a message to the mods.

You have just joined the best club that nobody wants to belong to.

so true.

Can you please define 'recovery' for me then? I am confused...

Can anyone define marital recovery?

I thought we were in 'it' but Fred thinks otherwise. Where am I going wrong?

Hello, sad&mad

Please give us more information.

- when did you find out
- when did affair stop
- is there NC (and I mean real NC )
- was the affair exposed
- is OW married, if yes, did you inform OWH

You know what she actually was. And we know. Did you expose affair in OW-s side?

I disagree. He had other choices also. There is only one real reason - poor boundaries around opposite sex and that reason has nothing to do with you.


Much closer. Dr Harley says that we are all capable of having affair. Thus - all of us (including you and me) should have proper boundaries around opposite sex and relying on personal "strength" is very very dangerous.


Have you read about "just compensation" in here ?

Are you using MB in everyday life? Is there total transparency? Is there remorse? Have you (re)defined boundaries?

We need more information to help you. Hang in there.

Hi Recon...

I don't get your tone one the above. Are you telling me she was nicer than me Why am I bothering if she is nicer than me :((((

ANyway, here is my original post
:
Background:

WH and I lived overseas for 3 years. DD 3yrs and DS 1yr (born O.S).

Always had a great marriage.

DH resigned July 2010 as we wanted to move home, boss asked him to stay on until Dec 2010. As our lease was up and it was extremely hot where we were living we decided the kids and I would move home at the end of August and he would visit us twice in that period. Once in October and once in November.

December 7 I got a FB msg from OW's colleauge exposing the affair. I was shocked as DH had been calling me, texting me and acting like all was normal although I did know he started hanging out with some new people who I didn't know.


At first he denied the affair but then when he realised I had proof he admitted it. Told me he loved me etc etc. Told his boss he had to return early, cancelled his visas and left.

He agreed it was a terrible mistake that took place because he was so lonely and vulnerable and the whole time loved us still but was weak when presented with an opportunity to get sex (makes me want to vomit typing that).

He didn't want any more contact with her or the people he was was hanging out with at the time. Sent an email that I approved which outlined that it was a mistake and that he loves me and the children and that he used her for sex only and that she held no piece of his heart.

She didn't respond initially.

I found out that he'd told her he loved her(says he said alot of [censored] just to be nice and says they had no connection apart from phisically - said the people he hung out with always said 'love ya' to eachother which I have confirmed from reading some messages between the others on FB). Affair was happening for 3 weeks.I know this for a fact. I called her on 2nd Jan. She told me she was so sorry. Said that she knew he didn't love her and that he loves us dearly. (stupid [censored]).

She answered all my questions eg how many times they had sex etc. He of course had lied and said twice when it was 5 times etc. I confronted him, he cried his heart out and told me he didn't want to hurt me and that he'd lied so much he hardly knew what was the truth and what was lies and didn't know how to get out of the tangled web.

I asked her to never contact him or us again. She agreed.

We have been trying to work it out but in the mean time I found her twitter page (Vomit again!!) etc. Then she emailed him ( i was monitoring email account) I intercepted the email straight away and told wh). He told me to close the account and that he didn't want to know what the email said let alone have any contact with her or her have any way of contacting us.

Her email said she was hurt by his email that said nc and that it was a mistake and that he used her for sex etc.

Im pretty sure he is NC. He gave him his work email that i can monitor, I check his phone etc. He tells me he is so so sorry and that he was living a seprate unrealistic life and got caught up in the affair and the stupid people he was hanging out with had condoned his behaviour when he got the guilts coupled with alot of alcohol and those two combined convinced him 'it would be ok'.

He says the whole time he never stopped loving us and always told her he was coming home to us. She had even confirmed this (without me askin her - she told me that off her own back).

ALSO...
I did expose. to his parents, my parents our siblings, close friends her employer (we were in a strict muslim country where they were BOTH breaking the rules. she is single.

no, no. She is not nice at all. She is fooling around with married men and wrecking families. A nice person does not do that. I meant that you know that she is a ***. And we know that she is *** I just didnt want to call names here

THanks Recon.. I was worried for a minute there. She is a total homewrecker... the last man she was with was ENGAGED. pffft... what a lowlife !

sooo, what is marital recovery?

It seems you are in recovery in a sense that affair is ended and NC letter is sent out. But we very cautious. Still snoop and do not reveal your sources. The last contact was still very close (?) in the past.

What is your husband doing to protect you? Are you both following MB?

p.s. please stick to the one thread.

Hi all....
It's been a year since d day... husband is doing everything right...

I just cannot get past it. How do I?

I still snoop and snoop on her too. I resent both of them so much still. I feel depressed most of the time.

My husband is so sorry for what he did. He is following the POJA and is filling my the love bank etc etc.

I just have this thing inside me and I cannot shake it.

I always think about leaving him because I think maybe then I can move on from it, or maybe I am dreaming? Maybe i'll still feel like this no matter what action I take. I love him but there is this barrier that stops me from feeling like I used to feel for him.

If I leave, my kids will be miserable, I will miss him, and we'll be in for a really tough time financially and emotionally. So what do I do? Feel like I am stuck between a rock and a hard place.

Why do I find myself jealous of this whore too? She flys for a major airline in a glamourous part of the world where we used to live. She gets to live the high life and move on.... I am stuck with the scars of a wound that she helped to creat. It's just not fair.

Sorry for the babble...I just do not know what to do anymore.

Call the radio program.

Listen to Pep

I agree with Pep.

How many hours of undivided attention did you have scheduled last week? And how many did you actually get?

I don't know much about the radio programme. I am not in the states, can i still phone?

Markos, got probably 8 hours...

I just wish I could have another crack at my life, start from the beginning again, you know?

Sometimes I feel like running away and starting my life somewhere else. If only it were that easy...

You can listen to the radio show from this website....online....click on the
LISTEN NOW
link on the right hand side of this page.
Scroll up a bit and look on the right and its the red rectangle with yellow text.
It replays until the next show is recorded.

I agree with everyone else here. Call the program, or email the Harleys. In the meantime I can tell you what I went through.

2 affairs in 7 years. I wanted to bail something fierce. But what I KNEW is that there was no promise of anything better with another person. I had to remover the other persons from my life and focus on my marriage and spouse. Some of us take longer to heal. I still wanted to go close to the 3 year mark. Wife was doing nearly everything right. I had to focus on my marriage and what I wanted it to be, not what it was.

CV

I thought NC was NC for both the betrayed and the wandering spouse? It might be time to quit snooping on the AP.

Yes. If you are certain that the OW is gone (which it sounds like she is) then go NC.

NC is for you too.