Hello, my name is Matt and I have a peculiar situation that I'm tired of running around in my own head.

My X and I have been divorced for 11/12 years now. We have a 12 year old daughter that we have joint custody and open visitation which means my x lets me have my daughter when ever, she never really stuck to the divorce decree after the first year after getting divorced.

These days we get along well. What once was just getting along for our daughter I think has turned into a natural friendship.

Our daughter went to a private Lutheran school up until 6th grade. Her and I attended the church for a long time, I did a lot of volunteering and what not. I've somewhat faded from the church for personal reasons. But my X takes my daughter to the churches midweek service, and volunteers herself. At one time she didn't want to have anything to do with going to church.

I'd like to go to the midweek service, but it feels so uncomfortable volunteering and/or fellow-shipping since just about everyone in the church now knows both of us, and knows that we are divorced. (However one time a woman did think we were married because we get along well). So that's one of my issue's.

I haven't been to the midweek service since it started, but went last night to drop off some money for our daughter, (I helped her sell the last of her candy bars for her school). And my x was there, and I've never seen her this lively and happy and talkative. (One of the reasons our marriage declined was she was very quiet and there wasn't much intimacy in our marriage). Now to see her being somewhat opposite really put a spark in me. Not to mention lately she will look right into my eye's, just briefly, but there is a very warm smile in that look when we look at each other. It was a smile she didn't have at the end of our marriage.

We were only married for 2 1/2 years, we knew each other for about 3 years before that. I don't know if it's necessary to discuss why we got divorced. But since then she has has one or two failed relationships, I myself have had about two or three since then. And to this day we are both still unmarried. Which from the sound of today's culture is very unnatural.

So I don't know what to do, I certainly don't want to get my hopes up, but yet don't want to impose any expectations as to how she feels. I'm a religious man, and it appears my x is now religious(whole other topic). Should I just suck it up and go to the midweek service, maybe it'll lead to something else, but the stress of wondering if it'll lead to something else between us again I just don't want to deal with.

Then again is it even worth trying to re spark something that has been separated for a long time? And with someone who may just wants to stay friends.

I appreciate your thoughts.

Matt

Hi Matt, welcome to Marriage Builders.

You say, "I don't know if it's necessary to discuss why we got divorced," but I think that's necessary if we're going to understand the dynamic here.

There are people on this site who have remarried their exes. So it isn't completely unheard of.

But without knowing the causes behind the dissolution of your marriage, we're left with a large blank space.

How old were you when you got married? Was there any infidelity? Drug or alcohol use/abuse? All of these details will help paint a picture that we can then use to help you understand.

Have you read any of the articles on this site? There are also books Dr. Harley has written. Dr. Harley has over 35 years' experience helping people recover, build and strengthen marriage relationships. You would do yourself great benefit by reading as much as you can here. Everything on the site is free, and no one is going to force you to buy anything!

Stick around -- you'll find this is a great community!

As usual, Fred is offering excellent advice.

I would like to add that I believe it would be a good idea for you to go ahead and start going to the mid-week service, even if it the relationship with your ex is ultimately not renewed.

If you felt awkward because of lingering anger and resentment, I wouldn't suggest it. But it sounds like the uncomfortable feelings are because you're wondering what other people think, and you're having a hard time sorting out your feelings toward her. Do you think God wants you to avoid your fellow believers because of her?

Thanks for the responses.

I was 27 and she was 29. I came from a violent upbringing in the Jehovah's witness religion. So from the start I had a quick temper, was jealous a lot and overly protective. I was a regular pot smoker, didn't drink much. Which she said she didn't mind. It was the first real relationship I had had. I never raised my hand towards her or her son.

Her father had died when she was 11 and was mostly raised by her mom and lesbian aunt. She found solace in books, so I found most of her time was dedicated to reading. Her son's father refused to help her and her and her son(who is now 24)were in an auto accident when he was two and he had a TBI. He seemed like a normal kid, but really liked violence. Seeing as how I was raised in a abusive home and was not allowed to have worldly friends I found myself not being able to relate to his was of being a kid.

Eventually I went through almost a year of counseling for my anger management issue's and drug abuse and dealing with how I was raised. But eventually she would go out with her best friend and on weekends wouldn't come home til 6 or 7 the next morning. She said very frankly they were partying at her friends boyfriends apartment with his roommate.

Now I admit that on a few occasions I had no real reason to be jealous that she had more male friends than female friends, but my jealously really spiked when she started staying out all night with other guys.

By the time out daughter was born, she said she was divorcing me. Didn't really ask for a whole lot. She really got hard core when it came to our daughter. I was only allowed to spend maybe 4 hours a week with her. One time I wanted to keep my daughter overnight and she threatened to call the police on me. I paid my child support faithfully. I even had a job for a few years when I made really good money and most often paid her two or three times the amount of child support I was supposed to. The only drawback was I was out of town for two to three months at a time.

Eventually she started loosening up on letting me have more access to our daughter. I understand how she couldn't trust me at first. She had seen my anger problem that got a lot better, still smoked pot, and already had one dead beat dad in her sons life, and of course I got some support from my parents....who put me through hell growing up.

So there's a quick synopsis of our history together. Basicly a shy introverted girl married a mentaly unstable jerk.

I really don't feel awkward because of lingering anger or resentment, I'm way past that. It just feels really weird because we are the only two people there that are divorced, every one else is married. So I guess there's hint of jealousy. But it's also we get along so well these days, we joke around laugh talk about our daughter a lot, etc. We have an occasional spout. So it's kinda like the relationship I wish we had when we used to be married. And maybe I'm still a little loose up in the head, but just about every time I'm around her I feel totally different than I have when I had other girlfriends. I guess you could say I still love her, but afraid of failure. Maybe she feels the same way.

But you are dead on right! "Do you think God wants you to avoid your fellow believers because of her?" That's really selfish of me to avoid serving others because of my problems. Once in a while I wonder if God is actually using this setting to bring us back together to uphold the vows we once made, (although not picking on Mormons, but we got married off by a Mormon preacher???) Yesterday she told me that there are far fewer volunteers this year than last year and she was exhausted because she is really the only one in the kitchen.....I really should get off my selfish [censored] and help her.

Hi Matt, a couple of things I'd like to respond to.

Just my opinion, which you're not paying for, so it's worth the price.

Don't stress -- don't even think -- about it "lead(ing) to something else." I say go to the midweek service if that is your calling.

There is a woman to whom I'm attracted at church. I look forward to seeing her there, but if she isn't there, that doesn't detract from the benefit I get from attending. After all, my attendance and what I derive from it comes first.

Do you talk with her? Neither of you is currently married, so why not just ask to speak with her after service sometime? Why not just put your thoughts and concerns out in the open. Maybe she has the same thoughts. Maybe she's so far in another dimension that nothing of the sort exists for her. One way of finding out is simply to ask.

The two of you were once married. I would think that would give you a certain ease of comfort to speak with her openly and honestly that two people who never had such a relationship could feel.

Oh, and I don't mean to toot my own horn, but to show how dedicated a father I am, we didn't have insurance so I worked three jobs to pay for the delivery in cash. It's amazing how much cheaper it was paying cash up front.

Thanks for being willing to share about your history.

It sounds to me like mentally unstable jerk has grown up a lot, and so has shy introverted girl.

Go to mid-week church. Serve your fellow believers. And pray that God would give you wisdom about your relationship with your ex-wife.

For now, just try to be her friend. Think of her as your sister in the faith. If something develops beyond that - wonderful. If it doesn't, your daughter will at least have the joy of knowing that her parents both love her and are able to work together to do what's best for her.

Ditto to what Kirby said.

I vote for the mid-week church service.

With a caveat... IF things start to develop bewteen you too, I suggest you go very slowly and don't tell a lot of people. Sometimes, the awkwardness comes from everyone around.

OR, if Wed evening isn't your deal, maybe just ask her out for a cup of coffee.

I think Kirby has great wisdom and advice in his response. I agree that just being friends for the time being is a great place to start and let God be your guide. Best of luck to you!

Sunny