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Hello all. Posted here a couple of years ago early in my marriage and got some really excellent feedback that helped me navigate a rough time in my marriage.

I'm back now because I found out my wife has picked up communication with her ex-boyfriend via facebook, and I have no idea what to do about it.

A little background: My wife comes from a traumatic family background... Dad is an emotionally abusive former alcoholic and drug addict who she no longer keeps in contact with. Her mother died a few years before we met and this was very, very hard for her. She also lost a step-father who was the closest thing she ever had to a real father.

She dated the ex for 8 years or so beginning in HS. He was a jerk to her, manipulative and got her to chase him for a few years while he bounced back and forth to another girlfriend. Eventually my wife met someone else and they got engaged right after her mother passed. She was in a bad place and it didn't work out, but while engaged she admits that she still talked to the ex-boyfriend in question and hid it from her fiancee. One point here is that despite being a jerk, the ex was very much there for her when her mother died, more so than her fiancee at the time.

After her engagement the ex was still with other woman and they remained friendly, but once we met their relationship faded. After we were married I determined that she was still emailing with ex and started checking her account to read the communication. I had her password and felt guilty but I never trusted him b/c he was manipulative with her and b/c I knew she felt like she "owed him" since he had been there for her during her time of grief.

I didn't find anything overly incriminating, but the familiarity between them bothered me and there was just something wrong. Confronted her, she accused me of stalking her, not trusting her, etc, etc. I told her I thought it was wrong to communicate with him but she is stubborn and I just kind of had to let it go.

I have since learned that it is her way to not admit fault in the moment but to change her behavior after the fact. In other words, the communication between them basically stopped minus a friendly email every now and then.

So recently she left her facebook account open and I saw an email from him informing her that he had broken up with his girlfriend of 8 years, the same one he began dating when he and my wife broke up. She offered some sympathy and advice, nothing inappropriate. But now they are emailing pretty much every day (he send one one night, she responds the next, and so on).

Mostly it is innocuous, but there is an undercurrent here that bothers me. For one, the timing of him re-connecting with her right after his break up is pretty transparent. Secondly, I don't like the emotional territory. She has not discussed our marriage, but counseling him on his break up has led into light references to their past relationship.

Also, this one seems petty, they have made a couple of joking references about not wanting to get the other one "in trouble" by posting on eachother's facebook pages. To me this reeks of exploring boundaries.

Obviously I feel betrayed, but I won't make the mistake of confronting her and losing this source. Our marriage is not perfect, but we have made great strides and I can honestly say I thought we were in a stronger place than at any other time in our union.

So what should I do? Keep making love deposits and monitor the communication? Randomly ask her about him and she if she volunteers anything? The problem i'm having is that she just seems stuck on this guy and maintaining that connection. I realize this is paranoid but at times it feels to me like a back up plan. How can I hold her accountable if I can't tell her I know?

By the way, I am completely in love with my wife and 100% committed to keeping my marriage in tact.

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He's an interloper for sure and it's HUGE trouble for you.

Time for Facebook to go bye bye.


I watch, and am as a sparrow alone upon the house top.
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So what should I do? Keep making love deposits and monitor the communication? Randomly ask her about him and she if she volunteers anything? The problem i'm having is that she just seems stuck on this guy and maintaining that connection. I realize this is paranoid but at times it feels to me like a back up plan. How can I hold her accountable if I can't tell her I know?

By the way, I am completely in love with my wife and 100% committed to keeping my marriage in tact.
Does she not know that you can access her facebook page?

Chris, you are not wrong to mistrust this situation, and your wife should respect that you do not want her to have contact with this man.

First things first: don't say anything to her yet. Go online NOW and get a keylogger (check out www.spectorsoft.com - specifically the eblaster). Download the keylogger to her computer. Do not tell her you have done this.

When you've got the keylogger up and running, sit her down for a gentle chat. Let her know that this friendship with this guy is a concern to you. That you feel uncomfortable with it and want her to stop communicating with him. You don't need to tell her that you've been in her email account. Tell her the truth about seeing her FB account open. Tell her you want her stop communicating with him.

She may kick up a fuss and tell you he's 'just a friend' or that she can have any friends she wants. redflag Tell her again that you are requesting for your own safe feeling that she stop communicating with the guy. If she refuses, ask her for her passwords. If she also refuses that, redflag

At this point you stop the conversation and just ask her to 'think about it'.

Then start tracking her on the keylogger.



D-Day 2-10-2009
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So I should reveal that I have been reading the messages and demand that she leave Facebook? I don't know, seems like she could just as easily resort to regular email instead and go underground.

Plus, I almost feel like I should wait and see where it goes... the truth is that as uncomfortable as it makes me, she has not discussed anything about her emotions, our marriage, or her personal life other than day-to-day happenings, etc. The worst I have seen is one reference by her to how she is different now than when they were together.

This is hard because I want to give her a chance to navigate this herself, and there isn't much risk if I am reading the communication. Plus I will know if it escalates to phone calls or face-to-face. But I don't like the snooping, and I realize she is in dangerous territory.

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No, she doesn't know I can access it. I do have the password, but I didn't have a reason to check it until I happened upon the facebook message open on the screen.

I know how to use keylogger programs, but for now I don't think it is needed because I am reading everything already. Yes, I do have her email password too, although they seem to communicate via facebook.

The problem is raising the issue at all, because she will react strongly to my judgment even if she knows she is wrong... very stubborn. Even if I am honest about accidentally finding the message, I guarantee she will change her password then just to spite me.

This woman is extremely strong willed... part of the reason I love her but it can be infuriating.

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Originally Posted by chris5674
So I should reveal that I have been reading the messages and demand that she leave Facebook? I don't know, seems like she could just as easily resort to regular email instead and go underground.

Plus, I almost feel like I should wait and see where it goes... the truth is that as uncomfortable as it makes me, she has not discussed anything about her emotions, our marriage, or her personal life other than day-to-day happenings, etc. The worst I have seen is one reference by her to how she is different now than when they were together.

This is hard because I want to give her a chance to navigate this herself, and there isn't much risk if I am reading the communication. Plus I will know if it escalates to phone calls or face-to-face. But I don't like the snooping, and I realize she is in dangerous territory.

Let me share some things with you that are jumping out of your post:

1. That you've posted here at all tells me your gut is sending you a message. The person who does not listen to their gut is a fool.
2. Regular mail is too slow. She won't resort to that. Yep, she'll probably go underground if she has something to hide. That's why you need the keylogger.
3. If she has nothing to hide now, she shouldn't have a problem with you having her password to FB. Technically, the two of you should have ONE FB account in common, but we'll talk about that later.
4. This may be an EA that you've caught in the infancy stages. Why are you waiting for it to go somewhere? So it will be harder to kill it?
5. You don't like 'snooping' on the one hand, but you realize she's in 'dangerous territory' on the other. So your choice is to let her navigate herself? What, into the rocks? Aren't you her mate?

And at the risk of making this a circular response, IMNSHO it goes directly back to your gut. ALWAYS TRUST YOUR GUT.


D-Day 2-10-2009
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Originally Posted by chris5674
No, she doesn't know I can access it. I do have the password, but I didn't have a reason to check it until I happened upon the facebook message open on the screen.

I know how to use keylogger programs, but for now I don't think it is needed because I am reading everything already. Yes, I do have her email password too, although they seem to communicate via facebook.

The problem is raising the issue at all, because she will react strongly to my judgment even if she knows she is wrong... very stubborn. Even if I am honest about accidentally finding the message, I guarantee she will change her password then just to spite me.
This woman is extremely strong willed... part of the reason I love her but it can be infuriating.
Which is why you need to get the keylogger before you talk to her.


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FB needs to go. It has ruined many, many marriages (mine included). At the very least, you should have a joint FB account with your W. The majority of communication in my A took place through FB. No FB is now one of my EP's.

There have been a lot of articles in the news lately about social networking and affairs. Our local news ran a piece last week. Maybe a good way to open discussion would be to print out one of those news articles (there's threads on here referencing some of them, I think under "Other Topics") and sit down with her, and tell her you read this online and it just made you think about things - how it is just asking for trouble to have FB friends of the opposite sex, etc. Just a suggestion.

And FWIW, the keylogger will catch if she changes her password.


FWW

"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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Thank you both, Wulff and Bliss.

For the record, I see the wisdom in all of your points. The keylogger is a good option if she changes the password.

I certainly don't want her to navigate "into the rocks", but I will admit that I would much prefer that she let this fade on her own. Not saying that will happen, but I can always jump in if the messages escalate in content or if they begin to reflect any attempt to talk on the phone or meet.

I will say that I am not naive nor I am afraid to confront her, aside from the general discomfort of the argument itself. I am assertive. But I also know how stubborn she is and the last thing I want is this thing to go nuclear before she has had a chance to find her own way.

Additionally, there is probably some guilt working on me here. I went through a period of intense anxiety and stress due to job uncertainty that ended about 6 months ago. Part of the recovery process was realizing that I had been spending so much time combating my own demons that I had been neglecting her emotional needs. I am well on the road to remedying this, something she has acknowledged and that has made our marriage stronger. But i guess in some ways I am wondering if I drove her to this?

Again, not blaming myself, just wondering if I should give it a little time based on damage I previously caused the marriage. Wondering if continuing to keep my side of the street clean & improving my end of the marriage might erode her desire to keep in contact with this guy.

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I only have a few minutes, but wanted to get this out there:

Originally Posted by chris5674
Again, not blaming myself, just wondering if I should give it a little time based on damage I previously caused the marriage. Wondering if continuing to keep my side of the street clean & improving my end of the marriage might erode her desire to keep in contact with this guy.


Nuh-uh. uhuh If anything, as communication intensifies, she will use this "damage" you believe you caused to the M as justification to enter into an A. That's how waywards think. Trust me - I've been there. I wish my H had been suspicious of the amount of time I was spending on FB before it was too late. Just sayin'...


FWW

"Snow and adolescence are the only problems that disappear if you ignore them long enough." ~ Earl Wilson
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Chris, I was in exactly your shoes one year ago. My wife starting talking to a BF from ten years ago exactly the same way. It got ugly and turned into a PA.

Kill this now. Don't screw around. I am begging you, do whatever the vets tell you, but kill it now.

You don't want to be me, I am in recovery with my wife but I would give anything to have been able to catch it at your stage.

PLEASE listen and take the advice.....PLEASE


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The keylogger is a good option if she changes the password.
There. Now it makes sense.

Chris, don't lock the barn door after the horse is halfway down the street.


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Reynolds, thank you for your insight, that really brought it home for me.

I am going to talk to her about it tonight, without letting on that I have access to all of the messages... I am only going to bring up the exchange I saw by accident.

Rather than throw down the "no contact" gauntlet now, which she will resist strictly on the basis of stubbornness, I am going tell her that no matter her intentions the communication makes me uncomfortable. I will ask for her passwords (which I already have) and see how she responds.

If she doesn't give them to me than I will know it is time to kill this thing at all costs.

What do you think? And what do I do if she does give them to me and/or offers to show me the messages? See, I think she will gladly show me the messages because there isn't anything terrible there and I believe her intentions are still good.

How do I explain that I am more worried about what this relationship could eventually do to damage our marriage than I am about an actual affair? I do not think she would cheat, but I do worry about an emotional affair that creates distance between us.


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How do I explain that I am more worried about what this relationship could eventually do to damage our marriage than I am about an actual affair? I do not think she would cheat, but I do worry about an emotional affair that creates distance between us.
How about just being honest with her and telling her that?


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Originally Posted by chris5674
I do not think she would cheat,
Think again.

Perhaps you could have some form of "Internet problem" cool
(You could block facebook at the router)


Seriously, first step is talking to her about it in a caring and concerned manner.

Last edited by Gack1; 02/17/11 02:55 PM.

Me 34
WW 30
Abandoned Feb 17th 08, D-Day Aprl 27th 08.
Returned home Jul 7th, OC born 12/30/08
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You answered your own question chris

How do I explain? I am more worried about what this relationship could eventually do to damage our marriage and I do worry about an emotional affair that creates distance between us


Don't pray for God to guide your footsteps unless you are willing to move your feet


Me BH 55, WW 40, M 12 yrs, 3 Boys 19, 10 & 8.
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Its might not be the content of the messages, its the attention she is giving to another person that is bothering you right now.

You can let her know that her attention to the other man is ruining your love and trust for her, and you need to work on your marriage. That is the blatant truth and root of all this, no need to talk about FB.

In order to have a happy healthy marriage you guys need to set up some EPs for you both. Read affair proofing your marriage.

Start snooping with a key logger, and phone records, look for excessive texting.

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Quit starting new threads. I don't know the background of your situation.

And I echo everyone's advice. Kill it now before it escalates.

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Chris, I have only one question to ask you:

If you have a vampire standing in front of you, teeth barred and dripping with blood, and you have a wooden stake in your hand, WHAT DO YOU DO?

I'll tell you what everyone else here is telling you:

YOU PUT THAT STAKE THROUGH THE VAMPIRE'S HEART RIGHT AWAY!

More people have had their throats (and hearts) ripped out because they failed to act when they had the chance.

Don't be one of them.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
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Chris,
It seems crazy to me that you are going to expose and play mind games about her passwords, without setting the keylogger up beforehand. What happens when you confront her, she blows up on you like you suggest she might, and THEN goes and deletes all old messages from facebook and messages him one last time to discuss a new mode of contact? What happens when she changes her passwords and you lose precious time and messages waiting for an opportunity to set the keylogger up?
Why not just set it up now before you expose and be done with it? At this point, why is this a principled stand for you?


ex-WW had 2 PAs in first 2 years. Buh-bye.
Divorce finalized: 1/28/09
Now just living and loving again.
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