Isn't your marriage romantic now? Isn't living a life with its' foundations built on lies and deceit the way to go? Unless you take a real hard look within, lose that damn ego, you will mostl ikely face what my xh and his soon to be ex other woman wife will too.

No, my marriage is not romantic. No, the lies and deceit are a miserable foundation. I already stated he cheated on me too. I did not think I was exhibiting an ego now, I would NEVER repeat the behavior of my past and would give anything if I could undo it. I am sorry my posting upset you.

Unfortunatly, but realistically, this is going to upset some people here. That is why I suggest you bring this question to a pastor.

I imagine you know the statistics on affiarage marriges, and have thrown yourself on Gods grace and forgivness as a source for a new life, and to stop the cycle you set in motion when you had the affair at 18.

Praying for ya.

My opinion. Skip the apology letter. I think you really want it for you and not your husband's former wife. After all, you could slip in there somewhere that you understand her feelings since he cheated on you as well. The former wife has made it clear that she does not want to hear from you. Yet, you persist in wanting to apologize.

If you really want to do something potentially postive, post your experience and story on the website for other women. Address other people who are currently in affairs. It just MIGHT touch someone. One the other hand, it could be like convincing a fun-loving drunk that drinking is not a good idea.


AM

New Creation, I'm a BW but I'm not going to beat you up. I've read your thread and have thought hard about everything you've said.

Unlike some posters here, I'm not going to accuse you of being driven by ego, because while I'm sure there's a degree of that (like many humans) I also see a lot of remorse here. You have had to learn in the hardest way why it is such a terrible idea to insert yourself into someone's marriage. No one wins in an affair. It's a lose/lose. I don't think I would wish your place on my worst enemy. Many OPs never 'get' the devastation that is left in the wake of an A.

I don't know. Originally I would have come within an inch of killing the OW in my sitch. I would have flat-out killed her, but I would have been taken away from my children, AND if I killed her she wouldn't have felt any more pain. How's THAT for vindictive?

But I want to hope that time has dealt with her. Your post tells me that may be true. I hope so.

So in a weird way it's good to hear this. It confirms that there is a karma bus out there, and it's fully gassed up.

If OW came to me today to ask for forgiveness, I would not give it to her. Maybe I should. Maybe I need to work on that 'flaw' within me. But not today.

But I DO know I would tell her to go, and sin no more. That is what I'm telling you.

There is another poster on this site that I think the world of. I believe she has already posted to you. She is a former wayward. Her perspective has been valuable here and to me, personally. I would never consider beating her up. She's too valuable, as a person and as a poster.

You can't un-ring this bell and make the devastation un-happen, and you know that. But you CAN work every day to do good for someone else. You can be transparent to everyone around you and teach them about the dangers of infidelity from your own unique perspective. That's really about it.

I wish you good luck. And that's just me, two years out from D-Day.

Good morning NewCreation2011,

I can hear the hurt in your words, I think you now realize what damage you have caused because you are now in the same place as the rest of us BS's.
Look life is a long time to not make any mistakes, we all have our lists. I wish we could turn the hands of time back and just erase all the bad things in our lives.
All any of us can do at this point is try to learn from our mistakes and conduct ourselves in a better way............My husband cheated on me and it has changed who I am inside, I don't like it........but what I try to do is just live my life the right way, I always think of every decision and make sure that I do not hurt anyone else in the process, my needs don't come first when it comes to the ones I love.....................I will leave this world knowing I have done what I could, I know I can't control anyone else or make sense of anyone else's decisions.
We are all accountable to a higher power and when we meet our maker we will have to accept our outcome at that point................everyone deserves to be forgiven, but that doesn't mean we will forget what has happened in our lives. Every day try to just to live your life right, and know that this is your only job on this earth, live by God's word and have the faith in that.
I'm sorry you have hurt as well, no one deserves that pain.
(hugs)..........bs.........jessi

Just so you will know I am the FWW.

This may be harsh but...you can not apologize for something you are STILL involved in! Which you obviously don't get.

Let's say you stole a million dollars from her...for years you spend and spend her money. Finally, one day you think, "Hmmm, maybe I should apologize for stealing her money because I feel so bad about that." Now mind you, you are going to keep spending that money you stole, but hey, at least you apologized for stealing it, right?

Kinda makes that apology seem a little less sincere, doesn't it?

Divorce her cheating xh and then apologize...only then will it begin to be sincere and not about you.

When you marry a man who cheats on his wife, you get a man who cheats on his wife.

Sounds perfect accually, and probably why God say vengence is His. I have had occasion to ponder this many times before in my life, having lived under the threat of violence. Thank God for my Mom and her faith, and the part my Dad had in being a hardworking aggressive man, teaching me to have guts. I have never been afraid to fight, it was allways what the fight was about, and how to win it effectively.


I like MBs post too, and I believe the most effective way the BW can effect you is to never think of you as having any real power in her life, but then there is the children, so she has no choice.

I am assuming both you and her H are Christians also, and share the shame or pain of this. To be fair to the children, you need to be honest about what affairs do, and the lies that breed them, and feed the seed thoughts that get planted in our minds. Ever read "The battle for the mind" by Tim Lahaye? Now you know the damage humans can wreak upon others, and you are accoutable.

Ephesians 6:12
For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places.

With God help you can stop the cycle, and help the children avoid the pain. Seek the Kingdom

I am a BS.

Too new a BS to know how I am going to feel Xnumber of years down the road. But from today's standpoint...

While I think you are sincere in your truly wanting to apologize I don't see how it would help HER (the xW).

If my WH & OW marry I would NOT want an apology from her, EVER. I don't think I will ever feel she is truly remorseful and any atempt at an apology from her would be dismissed as her trying ease a guilty conscience.

What I WOULD like from OW, and this goes whether WH & OW marry or not, is an apology to my CHILDREN. She ripped (THEY ripped, but that goes without saying that WH MUST at some point - hopefully sooner than later - apologize to his children) my childrens' foundation out right under them. Shaky foundation or not, it was THEIR foundation and a shaky foundation is better than NO foundation at all.

How could she (THEY) ever, ever sincerely apologize for the emotional damage that she (THEY) have caused ALL the children involved. Hers & ours?

Abandonment issues, Trust issues, Self esteem issues, Depression, Social interaction issues, Adjustment issues, Financial issues, Economic issues, self-loathing, addictions (not just drugs but a laundry list of addictions), TWO Christmases, TWO birthday, TWO Easters, TWO homes, Two sets of parents, perhaps FOUR sets of grandparents...the friggin' list goes on and on...

Turn on the T.V., read the covers of the magazines at the check-out stand, listen to the radio, watch a movie. We live in a society where divorce is: NO BIG DEAL and sleeping around is: NO BIG DEAL and adultry is: NO BIG DEAL.

AND

Everything is made okay by an "I'M SORRY" (Tiger Woods, Jesse James, Bill Clinton, A Rod, Kobe Bryant, ect...)

As if that makes it alright. A kiss on the boo boo of today's morals and ethics.

"Children are resiliant, they get over it" is what is heard over and over from people. Ask an adult child of divorce, or an adult child of a cheating parent if they 'GOT OVER IT'. It will never go away...

So go ahead and apologize, but do it to the one's who deserve an apology. The one's who have yet to learn how to forgive in the Christian sense. The one's who truly pay the price for adult's selfish behavior.

The children.

That is what Jesus said as well. He said it to a guilty woman whose sin was going to have to be paid for by his suffering on the cross.

I have apologized to the children. A no excuses full ownership apology. One accepted. One has not.

I am going to leave the exBW alone as that seems to be the majority opinon unless God puts the opportunity clearly in my face and I feel undoubtedly led to speak to her about this. I am going to try to be still and listen to His leading.

I have posted my warning story. I wish I had gotten someone to preview it first but I got emotional writing it and posted. If it helps one person it will be worthwhile.

After reading this entire thread I have come to a course of action you should take.

First, send the child back to her mother.
(How is there relationship now?)

Second, until you common children are out on there own you should stay in this marriage. You will give it 100% with no question about weather it is the right thing to do, either biblicaly or otherwise. You wanted it, you got it, live with it.

Third, once your children are out on there own, Then you should evaluate your situation and decide if God want's you to divorce this man. But do not neglect your marriage wile deciding, continue giving it 100%

What does your husband think of all this?
What does he think about his adultery on you?

Gack the child in question is now 21 and engaged to be married. I can't really send her back. I don't have her to send back! Her and her mother speak often I believe. She is the child who hasn't forgiven me and doesn't speak to me anymore. See and I got to live with her and try to be a mom to a troubled teen who hated me, doesn't God have a sense of humor?

There are no common children. I had two, he had two. Only one, my youngest is left at home still. She is 17 and going off to college in the fall.

My husband and I live in separate houses in the same neighborhood. For my daughters sake because she was so young she considers him her real dad. She spends time at whichever house she chooses. It is literally walking distance. This seemed the best way to handle separating for her sake at the time.

I have forgiven him for cheating on me. I am not 100% sure he understands his behavior yet but that isn't really what is keeping us apart. It is all the other stuff and the lingering doubt and fear in my heart that I can't be forgiven completely if I stay married to him. I haven't divorced him either though. Don't have a peace about either. We do talk and spend some time together but there is no physical intimacy. I feel like at least maybe that is refraining from sinning more if it is true that God would want us to divorce and will not bless our union. At the same time, I have also been counseled that once forgiven for the past mistakes, affair and divorce, that to divorce again would only be making another sin because God hates divorce and would be questioning his power to forgive all and heal. I wish Jesus could come sit down right in front of me and tell me what to do. I know it is in the Bible but my feeble mind can't make heads or tails of it. You can find support for both views.

NewCreation2011

Like you said, I created it. Now I live it.

Unfortunately, you have created possibly generations of sadness/hate for what you conspired and accomplished. You don't deserve to apologize to the innocent woman. Your actions (marrying your AP) aren't consistent with your desire to apologize. And the only thing that matters here is letting your actions define your honor, integrity, and self respect.

Because I was an adulterer myself 15 years ago, I have some empathy for you. Thank God I was shown the error of my ways before my selfishness destroyed two families.

I will never apologize to the father whose family I almost destroyed. I won't because I don't deserve to be given that opportunity. My actions spoke for me, and I failed myself and him. I simply must live with the guilt and try to live my life as good as I can for my wife and our two young kids.

Now that the tables have been turned, and I had to suffer through my wife's A last summer, I truly understand the bottomless pain and suffering that an A inflicts. It is as devastating as the death of a family member.

I have alot of hate and resentment for the POSOM because it is so recent. I may someday be able to forgive him as a man, but I truly believe I will never forgive him as a father. This man took my family to the brink of destruction, even though I talked to him personally, and pleaded with him as a father to a father. He said he would stop. Guess what? He lied. As far as I'm concerned, the POSOM is the devil incarnate. An apology from him would only make me think less of him. "I screwed your wife and now I want to say I'm sorry." Sorry. Too little. Too late. He should go back to his wife and kids and apologize to them. They are the ones who have to live with him.

You say that God has forgiven you. Sometimes I cringe when I hear someone announce this, as if it's supposed to make the victims feel better that the perpetrator is whole. If someone murdered your child, then on death row announced that he was saved, would it make you feel better? It would only infuriate me.

I sure hope God forgives me for what I have done wrong, but I know it won't be in this lifetime. You altered the course of the lives of many, many people. The best thing you can do is to keep the cancer of your choices as far away as possible from this mother. Nothing you can say will be good enough. Regardless of where you are at with God, your apology is too little. Too late.

Try to live an honorable life from this day forward. That is all you can do.

Separate houses?
No intimacy?

Your married only in name as it is.

You need to MAKE a CHOICE!

Flip a coin if you have to.

Either devote yourself 100% to your marriage, or file for divorce. No more limbo, no more waiting, take action!

CHOOSE!

And choose soon.

I know I need to make a choice Gack. But after screwing up so royally I am nearly paralyzed with fear of doing the wrong thing yet again. Honestly before posting here I thought I was going to move back home soon, but a lot of the post here are of the opinion I HAVE to divorce to be truly sorry and after struggling so hard with this question it is now all stirred up again.

I am not asking for sympathy. I do not expect an answer to this question. My original question about apologizing to the BW came out pretty heavily on the no side and I appreciate that input. The rest is my mess to figure out somehow!

Well, if the statute of limitations is expired on your own affair with this guy as a credible reason why you should divorce him...then why not use his most recent affair as the reason.

You keep saying that you don't want to sin by divorcing him...according to the bible, you can use his recent affair as a reason to divorce him...letting you off the hook.

It's really hard to sound sincere when you are still doing the crime.

NewCreation ... I am not sure if this will help you heal, but I found this about adultery and its relation to the bible on the teachings of forgiveness of adultery.

http://www.allaboutlifechallenges.org/forgiving-adultery-faq.htm

There is a link at the bottom of that link that goes to a story about a lady that is in your predicament. Maybe some of it will strike a chord for you.

God BLess

I don't know if another divorce will make you whole. This is my initial reaction. The fact that your A destroyed a family, you married into this, and now your H had another A.....I just don't know how you repair the damages.

My wife and I both survived each other's affairs. My AP's marriage is still intact. My wife's AP's M appears to be headed for D. Our M has lasted 20 years, and we have made a vow to never do this to each other again. We are taking extraordinary precautions to make our M last a lifetime. So, we are living proof that a M can survive two A's.

I wish I knew the answer for you. It is a tough path you have deliberately chosen to take. It appears to be quite a character building lesson. I will be very interested to hear the outcome of your situation. I do wish you well.

IIRC, Dr Harley advocates attempting to save a marriage, even if it is the product of an affair.

Thank you for the link Mr.NiceGuy. I read all of it.