Ok believing that, and trusting that all thats true. I will echo the advice given to read the site thouroughly, and be ready to be hit with 2x4s. One of the main tools for recovery is accoutability for your affair, and nobody will let you off that hook untill you have proven you know how damaging it was to your Husband.

Its preparation for the recovery process, and completly nessesary. We don't know you and although you have felt how his "Suspected" affair made you feel, it is now about how it made him feel. They are normally not the same.

Sex is ussually big on the issues that bother a man, and part of the performance thing we all have in common. We tend to be doers, and action oriented. I am not saying that women are not, I am saying this in general. Its a physical difference between the two sexs, men assoiciate sex with love and romance more than women do sometimes, and we don't know about your Husband yet.

So what I can tell you, is for me, it took years to get to a place that I started to beleive my marriage had a chance, and I started trusting my wife again. 5 accually, but then our problems were probably different than yours. Its interesting that 5 years is the general time of recovery quoted by Dr H also, when the affair is put in the past emotionally for men. Many things improve with recovery, but memories can spring up even years after, untill it is all processed.

Even if the marrige has done a complete 180, and is great in many other areas, better than ever.

Keep reading, and searching, but there is no shortcut, or canned answer. It will take time, and work, just like anything worth anything, its what you put into it.

Welcome to MB, and sorry you are here, but your in the right place.

EDUCATE yourself about adultery.
*** LINK ***How to avoid it. How to survive it. How to repair the marriage

You are currently ignorant of the nature of adultery, except how to commit it.

Tell your BH the following:

"I will do whatever it takes for as long as it takes to make this right."

Tell him daily.

Then, stop measuring how long it takes.
You don't care how long it takes because you are willing to do whatever it takes for as long as it takes.
You adjust your attitude and make certain that every day is a joyful opportunity to "do whatever it takes".


A joyful attitude means, you are not expecting anything in return.
You understand?

Get the book.
Read it twice.
The first time you read it alone.
The second time, ask BH if you can read it aloud to him.
Then, you discuss.

Best of luck.

I can be angry! I swear!

I can take you to the hurt locker, yanno?

How old are you and your BH?

Any kids?

How did you meet OM?

Is your BH home owned or rented jointly by you and BH?

I am 44, H is 49. We dated 4 months I got pregnant with our 1st child, married 11 months after she was born. We also have a 17yr son who won't speak to me, 16yr daughter who I'm very close with and a 13yr son, close with also. I have personaly told the 2 younger ones and the oldest what I had done and asked for their forgiveness. I asked my oldest son that when he felt like he was ready to talk to me I would tell him what I did and he said he doesn't want to talk to me. Side note: last Aug. my daughter who has an 8month old baby with no job asked if she, her baby and baby daddy (who doesn't work either) move in with us for a month until they found a place.They are still there, and don't help out with chores unless asked. I owned a fitness center for 14yrs and sold it 4 yrs ago to be a stay at home mom. My H owns an automotive repair shop. Oldest son is a race car driver and 7 months outa the yr we are racing every weekend. We own a home in the country with 7 acres that I take care of on top of all the household duties. My children are very busy with activities so its hard to get help and I get overwhelmed at times. And to a fault am not good at asking or delegating help. AGAIN, NOT ASKING FOR SYMPATHY. Just giving you some background info. Met the OM on FB, actually knew him as a teen. We became friends again, eventually leading to A. My husband said he knew from the beginning about the A and said that I seemed so happy with this other person that he was going to let me go so that I can persue a future with him.The next day after I moved out I knew I made a mistake and at the end of the following week I told the OM that I made a huge mistake and that I wanted to get back with my H and to never call me or contact me again. Fortunately he hasn't and I haven't given him a second thought. I have been seeing my H and talking to him daily. And I do tell him daily that I am going to do whatever it takes and however long it takes to make it up to him. I never talk back or say "but" when he is "letting me have it" like he says. I just listen and agree with what he is saying. I know this will take along time and I was not trying to pressume otherwise I was asking for advise on anything else I could be saying or doing at this point. Many of you have been helpful and I appreciate just being heard. I have ordered the book. And will continue to pray.

"Is there anything I can do for you today?" - Ask daily. Ask more than once a day if it seems necessary.

Have sex with him often.
Ask H:

"Are you open for physical contact right now?"

If he's not.
Respond:
"Let me know if you change your mind."

Whenever the opportunity presents it's self, brag to others, praising what a great husband you have. What a fine man he is. How sexy he is.

Touch him, non sexually, as often as he will allow.
Keep eye contact whenever he is speaking to you.
When he is speaking to others, keep watching him.

Smile softly at him frequently. Without apparent reason.

Cook for him.

No, but he is being fairly gentle with you.

The bottom line is you've proven you are not trustworthy, and you continue to prove it with your responses to what he's saying.

Consistent action, perhaps for years is what it will take to help your husband get through your betrayal. It wasn't a mistake. A mistake is putting regular gas in a car that takes premium unleaded or giving the wrong change, or spelling someone's name wrong.

Don't undersell what you've done here. You have committed an abuse upon your husband that is comparable with rape. Dr Harley has spoken with folks who've experienced rape, the loss of a loved one, and an unfaithful spouse. The vast majority of those who've experienced both an unfaithful spouse and one if not both the other say the most damaging was the affair of their spouse.

So one could quite literally re-write your title:

How do I help my H get through my emotionally raping him?

Understand?

After my wife's A ended months ago, she said she was "over him" and wondered why I wasn't over it too. Huh? I assumed she was still out of her mind.

Throw the clock and calendar away. It's likely you set your M back by several years. Be his biggest fan, friend, and loving wife. Never show that you are resentful that he is not over it. Your short vacation can only be cured by years of repairing.

Affairs are the most expensive thing you will ever pay for in this lifetime.

can you help me please how did i go about starting a post , im just new to this and badly needing advise thank you

Hi Pedro, click on the "new topic" button at the top of the page and a box will pop up. You can then make your post and click submit.