I have been trying to find any information out there on how C with an OC might affect COM, in particular when it involves a FWH and BW, but haven�t had much luck. Although FWH and I have yet to have had any contact with OC, and who knows at this point what C would even look like, we are really concerned on how C with OC will affect our COM (DS 5 and DD 2). We are not really worried about how our COM will treat OC if C is established as they are very caring and loving kids. Our concern is mainly the impact the whole situation will have on them, whether in the near future or years down the road, especially for our DS. He is very bright and will be quick to question how OC is related to us. A simplistic answer will most likely not be adequate for him. OC, btw, is 9 months younger than DD. FWH had an IC that recommended he not tell DS of the A and OC until he is at least 17 as it may have very detrimental affects on DS relationship with FWH, based on IC�s experience and research she did at some point in her career. I don�t think this would be possible if contact was established as FWH wouldn�t want to hide OC from COM, don�t know that I would either. Keep in mind all of our immediate family and close friends know of OC. This is adding more stress and guilt to the immense remorse and guilt FWH already has. Faith Follower, I realize your COM are quite a bit older than mine, but if you have any insight to share on how they adjusted, or if anyone else who has C with OC and who have COM have anything to offer on this complicated situation I thank you in advance.

Hello NT09 and welcome to MB and the p/c board. Not a place I really like to see new members because it is a double betrayal that leaves a lifetime of bad triggers for the BS. That being said, what is the decision between you and FWH about C with OC?

I am assuming at this point DNA was established and your H is the bio dad. Is OW single? Is she pushing for C? Are you paying CS?

Next, what is the state of your M? Are you working MB to rebuild your M? Is your H completely NC with OW/OC?

Ok, now to your question...

My DD was older, nearly 13 when she found out about OC. My DS was almost 7 when (unknown to me at the time) my H introduced my him to OC and OW. (grrrr that still rankles me). DS is special needs and non verbal which makes that even more cruel. I had been gone for the weekend with DD and could tell DS was distressed but had no idea why.

DD found out by overhearing me on the phone. She was devastated and still is for the most part. We have OC partial weekends every week. DD is now starting to tolerate OC where before she could hardly stand to be around him. DS finds OC interesting but watches his dad very closely when OC is around.

If you want to contact me, my email addy is in my profile. I can put you in touch with a couple of other BW's that have had younger kids and C with OC.

Now...here is my stance on C. Don't do it if you can POJA against it. Dr. H is against C because AP are supposed to be NC for life. Visitation makes that nearly impossible. Seeing OW occasionally is not good for me. I tolerate it because it means my H has very little C with her. That is better for the health of our M. Even my dear friend Kimmy who posts here occasionally and has custody of both (yes both) OC is triggered by the rare OW contact.

The best for all, IMNSHO, is NC until the OC is old enough to contact your H without OW. It sounds like your C feels the same way except she is referring to the best decision for your DS.

One last point, NT. Please don't lie to your children. Tell them age appropriate information about the A and OC. Especially since so many people know. You want it coming from you, not someone else. Your DS is going to be upset no matter what. If you decide on NC, then do NOT let your child beg to meet his sibling. It is an ADULT decision and adults know what is best for the family. (well except when they are actively wayward)

i know my situation is reversed from yours b/s i was the bs. that said if your question is about the impact to your com when and if you introduce them to oc the answer greatly depends on you and fwh. 1 big difference is that our com knew from the onset of my w's preg

if you have made the decision to work thru and rebuild the marriage and you relay that to the com that will go great distances in easy any anguish they develope.

as for the 2yo. at her age she will most (IMHO) just accept the oc as a sibling with no explainations needed at this time

the 5yo will be in a similar boat as my (at that time for us) 6yo. she will follow your lead as to how to bond with the oc

if you are hesitant then he will follow. if you are accepting then he will follow

explainations to him at his age is that dad made a big mistake and and as a result he has a new bro/sis

it sounds like your h is having problems with nc. how are you feeling about it? is it driving a wedge into the marriage recovery? both questions need to thought thru completely

best of luck

FF & Pops, thank you for your responses. To answer a few questions: yes DNA match was est. (we did it on our own), OW is single but has BF supposedly, OW also has DS 5, from previous M with joint custody, only C with OW has been when OW has shown up 3x at FWH place of work over the last year. 2x claiming to not have known he was going to be there (his schedule is public so I'm not buying it) The 2nd time she was screaming and yelling absurd things as FWH was trying to leave and told FWH that I would not have any C with OC, just him. The last time she basically told FWH the OC needs her dad and made FWH feel really bad. She also blue-toothed pictures of OC during these encounters. So, yes, she is pushing C but told FWH on the 3rd encounter she doesn't want me controlling the situation - he told her we are going to do what is best for our M, which involves my W on every level, including C. OW has yet to file for CS. We have been working on R our M and trying to use MB principles. I truly feel myself and our M would be pretty much recovered at this point if it weren't for OC. H reasons for C go back to his own issues, including being abandoned for 20+ years by bio-dad after his parents D when he was 2. His dad never pd a dime of CS, etc. and to this day has still not met 3/5 grandchildren not b/c opp weren't there, but b/c he chose not to. Also, I don't feel my COM should be lied to. FF, I will contact you soon. Thank you.

IF.....you do C, do it all through the courts. The OW does not get to decide what role you play in OC's life if C is established through the courts. She only gets to be in control if you don't.
How can she blue tooth. Your WH should have eliminated all means of C with OW. Changing email, cell phones, etc.
NC is best, if the need for C is strong with your WH, the M's best chances are for him to wait until OW does not have to be part of the picture and then explain to OC the reasons for NC (primary responsibility to M and relationship with OW was mistake and bad judgement with horrible consequences for everyone involved, OC, OW, BS, COM. etc. ).

Fled