Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4
#2479464 02/20/11 06:06 AM
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 16
P
Junior Member
Junior Member
P Offline
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 16
I've been lurking here for a couple of days, but I need some advice...

I'm 48 and married for 16 years with an 8 and 7 year old. We had kids late in life which is probably the reason we are still married. We own a house together and a business.

My wife just turned 50 a couple of months ago and that's where my current problems start.

She started having an emotional affair about six months ago with a married guy down the road from us.

She said it made her see what she's been missing from our marriage for a very long time, maybe 10 years.

She confessed to the emotional affair last week and we've been on a roller coaster since then. She has been in counseling for a while and we had our first joint session a couple of days ago. Did not go well. Swears nothing physical has happened with this other guy. She thinks it's too late for our marriage. She has no trust in me. She refuses to stop contact with her "friend" while we work this out. Then tonight she said she had enough and said she wants to separate and wants to move out. Unfortunately, she or I don't have enough money for her to go anywhere so she is sleeping downstairs in the guest room. In our talk tonight about separating she said that her trust in me has been gone so long that there is no way she can get it back. She said there is absolutely nothing here for her except the kids and they aren't enough to stop her from leaving, only money is the reason why she can't go. So, tonight was like the final straw and she said pretty unemotionally that she simply has to get out for a while. Get away from me and have some distance to work things out. I asked what she wanted out of this, just to get separated or divorced. I told her in our state we could get a divorce tomorrow if she wanted. I think that made her think a little. She said she just needed to separate for six months and if I had made significant changes in my self, she might consider coming back... So here I am at 3am and I can't sleep...

I see our counselor in two days by myself and then she sees him the next day.

I've been making significant changes to my self and outlook on life in the past couple of months. I've started following some of the advice here and other places. I thought I was making some serious changes, but they seem to be falling on deaf ears. The fact that she is saying that I'm the one that needs to change everything with no input from her side kind of seems fruitless. This is a two way street and she needs to give a little if she wants changes from me. Not sure where to go from here since she won't actively participate in any of the stuff on this website right now...


Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,589
A
Member
Member
A Offline
Joined: May 2008
Posts: 2,589
Purpledragon,

I am so sorry this has been happening to you. But you have found a place of great support.

First, please click the notify button at the bottom of the post and ask to have your thread moved to the surviving an affair forum. There is more traffic over there and you will get more responses.

Next, continue to read on this site. Also, get the book, "Surviving an Affair" and read it as soon as you can.

You do know that this affair is also physical and your wife is getting ready to leave you for this other guy. That's what getting away for a while to think means.

To bust the affair, exposure is key. Does the OM wife know? Who else knows about the affair? What things have you done to get your wife to end the affair?

AM


BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
F
Member
Member
F Offline
Joined: Nov 2009
Posts: 2,888
Welcome to Marriage Builders, PurpleDragon.

ArmyMama is correct. If you've been reading here for a while, you'll see that your wife is just like every other wayward and is reading from the same script.

Please click on the Notify button and have the mods move this thread to the Surviving An Affair forum. You'll get better responses there.

Since this is the weekend, traffic will be slower than usual. Take the opportunity to read as many of the articles on this site as you can. Start by looking to the box to the right labeled "Most Popular Links." In particular, I'd suggest Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts and How to Survive Infidelity.

Please understand the advice you will receive here is sound and proven, even it it at times seems to go against your instincts. Often, those "instincts" are learned reactions to a society that has gone overboard on being "politically correct."

You are in a fight for your marriage. Now is not the time to be timid.

PurpleDragon, I'm sorry you have to be here. But here you are, and this is the best club in the world no one wants to belong to.


Preach the Gospel every day. When necessary, use words.
St. Francis of Assissi
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Oct 2009
Posts: 12,357
Welcome, PurpleDragon. Sorry you're here under these circumstances.

There are a few things you need to be clear on:

Your WW's A is not your fault. You and your wife are equally responsible for the health of your marriage (that's why husbands and wives are called 'partners')but ONLY SHE is responsible for her decision to have an affair. So don't let her try to tell you that the A is because of anything you did, or didn't, do.

Affairs don't happen because people turn 50. Or 40. Or any other magic number. Skip the idea of a mid-life crisis as a place to lay the blame. Her A happened because her boundaries were poor and because she CHOSE to have the A.

Understand that this affair is physical, not emotional. She is lying to you about that.

Your WW is currently cake-eating. She wants the safety of her home and family to surround her while she conducts her filthy affair. Pretty typical.

PurpleDragon, based on your story I think you have a very good chance of killing this affair, but it's going to require some effort on your part. Are you up for this?

First of all, is this dirtbag married?



D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by PurpleDragon
So, tonight was like the final straw and she said pretty unemotionally that she simply has to get out for a while. Get away from me and have some distance to work things out. I asked what she wanted out of this, just to get separated or divorced. I told her in our state we could get a divorce tomorrow if she wanted. I think that made her think a little. She said she just needed to separate for six months and if I had made significant changes in my self, she might consider coming back... So here I am at 3am and I can't sleep...

PurpleDragon, welcome to Marriage Builders. I am sorry you are here. frown

The reason nothing you do makes any difference is because she is in an affair. She is as high on the fog of an affair as a falling down drunk is high on booze. And you won't understand your wife's mentality and why nothing you do seems to works until you understand this aspect. She is the equivalent of a falling down drunk.

Could you meet the needs of a falling down drunk? Would "counseling" help a falling down drunk? Of course not. And nothing will make a difference until you separate the addict from her drug. In this case it is the OM down the street. You are spinning your wheels until the affair is killed.

I am very concerned that you are going to counseling because is usually a disaster to a marriage that is in an affair. The reason is because traditional counselors do not understand the mindset of an adulterer and HELP the affairee make life changing, marriage wrecking decisions based on her current [and temporary] state of mind. It would be like asking a falling down drunk what he wants out of life and helping him get it. What an adulterer wants is to wreck her life and marriage by pursuing an affair - many counselors will help her get that, rather than coach her to stop self destructive behavior and work on her marriage. Leaving your marriage for an affair will be the biggest mistake of her life, but many counselors will help her pursue that.

Separation, for example, will only increase your risk of divorce [unless you have done a good Plan A] yet many counselors give this marriage wrecking advice. This is WHY counselors have an 84% failure rate and have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population. They don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages, and even less of an understanding of the dynamics of adultery. They are destructive to marriages, in most cases.

And how do you kill the affair? Affairs thrive on secrecy, so bringing it out into the open is the most potent weapon you have. Everyone should know about the affair, the OM's wife, his parents, family, your parents, family, close friends, neighbors and most importantly, your children. If the OM has a facebook page, I would send a private message to all his friends and family. Exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer. While it is no guarantee, we have had affairs killed the same day they were exposed. At the very least, it will hasten its death and ruin all the fun.

It should be exposed without forewarning to the affairees on the same day. Doing it all on the same day creates a tsunami effect that makes it difficult for the adulterers to overcome.

Exposure is your greatest weapon against this affair. Dr Harley is a clinical psychogist and founder of Marriage Builders, who specializes in infidelity and here is what he says:

Originally Posted by Dr Willard Harley
"Exposure is very likely to end the affair, lifting the fog that has overcome the unfaithful spouse, helping him or her become truly repentant and willing to put energy and effort into a full marital recovery. In my experience with thousands of couples who struggle with the fallout of infidelity, exposure has been the single most important first step toward recovery. It not only helps end the affair, but it also provides support to the betrayed spouse, giving him or her stamina to hold out for ultimate recovery."
here

Dr Harley speaks to another betrayed husband on the radio about the value of exposure. This BH did not expose and his wife was leaving him. Dr Harley tells him "it is hard to save a marriage when you become an enabler." radio clip here

In addition, I would get the book Surviving an Affair and read it as fast as you can so you will understand what you are dealing with. I believe it is on kindle too.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Member
N Offline
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
PD, I have been on this site for many months, and if you believe anything from anybody here, I ask you to believe this:

The previous post by Melody Lane is about as clear, as precise, and as "on-point" as anything you can read. (Sadly for the overall state of marriage in our society, she - and others - have had numerous opportunities to refine the wording.)

You have two paths before you:

  • You can take her advice, be resolute and (seemingly) ruthless, and quickly and efficiently recover your WW and marriage, or
  • You can second-guess, waver, lose courage, take the (seemingly) easy way out, and condemn yourself to agonizingly slow, and possibly failed, recovery efforts
Your call, Dragon.

Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 16
P
Junior Member
Junior Member
P Offline
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 16
An update this morning... I think a night in the guest room downstairs was enough for her. She wants to live back upstairs with the rest of the family. We talked some more this morning. I think everyone was a little on edge last night, including the kids (they are starting to act out over this and it really bugs my wife). We had a calm discussion. She said that she is not out of here, she wants me to be the emotionally stable one and be the Alpha one in the family and I have been working on that the past couple of months, but it's a long process learning new ways to take control. She wants to stick around and see if I'm serious about making these changes (I am). The other thing I heard from her is that she really likes working our business together and no matter what happens wants to continue doing that (I have no desire to do that. I would want to buy her out in some capacity). Again further evidence that she wants to connect with me in some capacity...

One thing I didn't say above is that I have several damning emails and phone/text records. He and his wife were really good friends of ours. She would be shattered if/when she finds out. It will rock our neighborhood I can tell you that. In one of the last emails I downloaded as of Thursday, my wife is telling him she needs space to work on her own marriage (to me) and that he better do the same. He is questioning her on how far she really wants to take this and if is this a good idea. So, I see some back pedaling from both of them especially him. This guy is very wealthy and would have a lot to lose by getting a divorce. I think I can put a stop to it by just contacting him by himself and expose the emails and phone records to him and tell him to keep away and no contact. I really don't know if wide exposure is the way to go and maybe just contacting his wife would be enough if he doesn't listen. He really has millions $$$ to lose over this, plus two young daughters.

I hear you all when you say exposure is the right way to go. I trust my counselor to a certain degree and I would like to meet with him one more time before I pull the trigger. This guy is very good. We had a joint counseling session on Friday. Half way through it my wife was threatening to walk and saying it too late and there was nothing there. Apparently the counselor didn't like that and kicked me out of the session and talked to her for another 45 minutes. She came out of there with her tail tucked between her legs and was actually very pleasant for a couple of days until last night. I was very tired and got into a funk and she picked up on it right away and started going negative on me.

You know the funny thing is that since this started a couple of months ago, we have had many very nice times together including one of the best date nights we've had in years just two weeks ago. We have both read the 5 Love Languages and just a week ago where exchanging notes on what we both need. So I know it's possible with her and I get the feeling deep down she wants it to work and she wants some time to see if I can become of the Alpha male that I need to be for the family.

Last edited by PurpleDragon; 02/20/11 02:09 PM.
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by PurpleDragon
One thing I didn't say above is that I have several damning emails and phone/text records. He and his wife were really good friends of ours. She would be shattered if/when she finds out. It will rock our neighborhood I can tell you that. In one of the last emails I downloaded as of Thursday, my wife is telling him she needs space to work on her own marriage (to me) and that he better do the same. He is questioning her on how far she really wants to take this and if is this a good idea. So, I see some back pedaling from both of them especially him. This guy is very wealthy and would have a lot to lose by getting a divorce. I think I can put a stop to it by just contacting him by himself and expose the emails and phone records to him and tell him to keep away and no contact. I really don't know if wide exposure is the way to go and maybe just contacting his wife would be enough if he doesn't listen. He really has millions $$$ to lose over this, plus two young daughters.

You are making a serious strategic mistake in not exposing the affair. By blackmailing the OM into not contacting your wife, you are essentially handing him all your evidence which helps him do a better job of pursuing your wife. You will be tipping your hand by handing your enemy your battle plan. With your battle plan in his hands, he will go further underground with his affair. In addition, he will spin the story to his wife, who will not want to believe this an affair, so that by the time you DO have to contact her your credibility will be ruined. She will not look at your evidence if that happens.

By keeping this affair a secret, you are in effect, enabling it. This man's wife needs to know about the affair so she can protect herself and her children from your wife and her husband. If your neighbor's bookkeeper was embezzling money from her would you not warn her using the excuse that "she would be shattered?"

Wouldn't that be a ridiculous excuse? The OM's wife should be informed, along with other close neighbors. To not tell the OM's wife is cruel and I assure you that she will not appreciate that you did this to her. You are essentially aiding and abetting the adulterers by not telling her. You become an accessory to the crime by helping them hide this secret. Don't enable their cruelty, PD.

Quote
. We have both read the 5 Love Languages and just a week ago where exchanging notes on what we both need. So I know it's possible with her and I get the feeling deep down she wants it to work and she wants some time to see if I can become of the Alpha male that I need to be for the family.

The Five Love Languages has no PLAN for recovery. It is only a roadmap for communication [most of which is plagiarized
from Dr Harley, ie: "lovetank"] and has nothing about saving your marriage. You can communicate until the cows come home, it will not save your marriage because it does not address the feeling of LOVE in your marriage. Chapman uses many of Dr Harley's concepts, but misses the main point -- romantic love can be created and destroyed when important emotional are met and then unmet.

Quote
I hear you all when you say exposure is the right way to go. I trust my counselor to a certain degree and I would like to meet with him one more time before I pull the trigger. This guy is very good. We had a joint counseling session on Friday. Half way through it my wife was threatening to walk and saying it too late and there was nothing there. Apparently the counselor didn't like that and kicked me out of the session and talked to her for another 45 minutes. She came out of there with her tail tucked between her legs and was actually very pleasant for a couple of days until last night. I was very tired and got into a funk and she picked up on it right away and started going negative on me.

There is no plan here to save your marriage, though. Dr Harley has a PLAN that works. He is a credentialed, licensed psychologist and his plan works, PD. It is a strategic mistake to help the affairees hide their affair. The only thing that benefits from your secrecy is the AFFAIR. Your wife does not benefit, the OM does not benefit, and most importantly, your marriage and your children are HARMED by your secrecy.

You are impeding your chances of saving this marriage and your children's family by enabling this affair.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
We have had many affairs that were killed the DAY they were exposed. I have a feeling this could be one of them. But that won't happen if you help them hide their secret.

Affairs thrive on secrecy and fantasy, and by helping the adulterers hide the secret, you are fueling the fantasy and keeping it ALIVE.

Exposure is like bringing a crowd of onlookers into the crackhouse to watch the crackheads get high. It ruins the high because it is no fun to get high in front of a crowd of people who all have a look of disgust and revulsion on their faces..


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 16
P
Junior Member
Junior Member
P Offline
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 16
I hear you. I am sure this is the only way to go to make them stop. Like I said, I want to bring it up with the counselor but take his input with a grain of salt. Then I will probably blow this thing up later on Tuesday or Wednesday. It may drive her further way. Maybe if the FOG wears off soon, she'll come to her senses and start working on our marriage or not and she might move out. I'm OK with either one at this point...

It's amazing how you think this is never going to happen to you. I always thought if it did I would just walk away, but there is too much at stake here with the kids, the house and business to walk away from. I'm really not a bad guy, just was inattentive for too many years...


Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
S
Member
Member
S Offline
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
You DO realize that marriage counselors don't understand the dynamics of affairs, right? That Dr Harley realized how similar affairees behave, rationalize, etc like drug addicts and that's how he came up with his plans?

And no, the fog won't wear off. Exposure is the essential ingredient necessary to put the wheels into motion for the fantasy to fall apart. Your marriage isn't going to make it without exposure. Any of the posters who have read here for any length of time will be able to attest to that.

What you need to understand is the most important thing in ending an affair is to put all the precautions you possibly can to keep the affairees apart because any contact at all, even an email or phone call will put them both back at Day 1 of withdrawal and will most likely trigger the A to start back up.

Not telling the OMW is one of the WORST mistakes that you can make if you want to fix your M, not to mention is one of the cruelest things you can do to this poor woman. Truly.

Last edited by SusieQ; 02/20/11 03:04 PM.

Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
S
Member
Member
S Offline
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 7,449
Originally Posted by PurpleDragon
I think I can put a stop to it by just contacting him by himself and expose the emails and phone records to him and tell him to keep away and no contact.

Oh dear. I am sorry but this is a terrible, dare I say laughable, strategy. The two of them will just take it underground once they realize how they are being watched...


Ddays 2007 and 2011
Plan B 6/21/11
Divorced July 2012
2 kids
How to Plan B Correctly
Parallel Parenting in Plan B
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Member
N Offline
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
Ahhhh, the power of a few alternate words:
Quote
I think I can put a stop to it by just contacting him by himself and expose the emails and phone records to him and tell him to keep away and no contact.
BAD IDEA!

Quote
I know I can put a stop to it by just contacting his wife and expose the emails and phone records to her and have my wife tell him to keep away and no contact.
GOOD IDEA!

Tomorrow's lesson: Why some tremulous, unconfident males actually deceive themselves into taking the first set of actions. For homework, listen to the Dr. Harley radio broadcast on exposure.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by PurpleDragon
I hear you. I am sure this is the only way to go to make them stop. Like I said, I want to bring it up with the counselor but take his input with a grain of salt. Then I will probably blow this thing up later on Tuesday or Wednesday. It may drive her further way. Maybe if the FOG wears off soon, she'll come to her senses and start working on our marriage or not and she might move out. I'm OK with either one at this point...

It's amazing how you think this is never going to happen to you. I always thought if it did I would just walk away, but there is too much at stake here with the kids, the house and business to walk away from. I'm really not a bad guy, just was inattentive for too many years...

I agree. None of us ever thought it would happen to us. But your behavior was not the cause. You and she are both responsible for the poor state of the marriage, she is 100% responsible for the affair. She had the affair because she has poor boundaries with men. And unless that changes, you are facing more affairs in your future. frown

Quote
. Maybe if the FOG wears off soon, she'll come to her senses and start working on our marriage or not and she might move out. I'm OK with either one at this point...

That will not happen until she ends all contact with the OM and the affair is brought out into the open. She will remain foggy until the affair ends. Just like the alcoholic remains drunk until he leaves the bar and stops drinking.

And if she moves out I assure you it will be to openly conduct her affair. This is WHY she wants a "separation."

Originally Posted by Dr Harley
"I've seen so many spouses lie about affairs, that when one spouse wants a separation, my best guess is that he or she is having an affair. I'm right almost every time.

Why would anyone need to be alone to sort things out? It makes much more sense to think that being separated makes it easier to be with their lover. Granted, there are many good reasons for a separation, such as physical or extreme mental abuse. But of all those I've seen separate, most have had lovers in the wings."
here




If you do want to discuss this with your counselor, I would make damn sure your wife does not hear about your plan to expose. Forewarned is forearmed and it will greatly neutralize your weapon.

As far as "driving her further away," that is what YOU are doing by helping the adulterers hide their affair. Your silence is DRIVING HER AWAY because the fantasy becomes more and more entrenched every day. And as long you continue to enable the affair, she will be driven further and further away.

You should also understand that unless you move away, your marriage will not recover living next to the OM, I am sorry to say.

I want to make sure you understand where we are getting this advice. It comes from Dr Bill Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders and author of 16 best selling books. He is a licensed clinical psychologist who SPECIALIZES in infidelity. He has 35 years successful experience in saving marriages. I know of NO ONE who has a better track record.

He has a PLAN to bust up this affair and save your marriage that has worked for many of us here.

Here is an article about how he learned to save marriages: Meet Dr Harley


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
N
Member
Member
N Offline
Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 6,352
Dragon, just as an example of the efficacy of the MB program, read this thread, and consider the benefits of the THREE WEEK investment Stretch123 has made:

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2469812

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by PurpleDragon
Like I said, I want to bring it up with the counselor but take his input with a grain of salt.

Ask him what his plan is for killing the affair and saving your marriage? If it does not involve widespread exposure, moving out of that neighborhood, and a REAL PLAN to restore the love in your marriage*, he does not know what he is doing.

Restoring the love in your marriage is how MB recovers a marriage. They don't focus on "communication" because even the best communicators get divorced. But people who are IN LOVE do not get divorced. The latter is what Marriage Builders achieves. But you won't EVER get to that point as long as the affair remains hidden and your wife is in a fog.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 16
P
Junior Member
Junior Member
P Offline
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 16
I meant the FOG to wear off after I expose.

You guys are right. I will tell the therapist that I am going to expose to the OWM. Unless he has a specific plan for exposure, I am going forward.

One little problem. I have his wife's email address, but not a phone number. I'm afraid he is monitoring her emails. I could get the phone number, but it's in my wife's phone and the past couple of weeks she's been guarding it like a hawk! Hmmm.... I'll figure out a way. I'm afraid if I just email the OWM, the OM will intercept... Hmmm...


She seems a little edgy today the OM has not had contact with her for 48+ hours. I think she is having withdrawls...

Last edited by PurpleDragon; 02/20/11 04:22 PM.
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 318
L
Member
Member
L Offline
Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 318
THe wife doesnt live too far, maybe go there yourself? I would ask the vets, though. You might end up going psyxho if you saw OM. Check a phone book or whitepages.com type in the address.

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Originally Posted by PurpleDragon
One little problem. I have his wife's email address, but not a phone number. I'm afraid he is monitoring her emails. I could get the phone number, but it's in my wife's phone and the past couple of weeks she's been guarding it like a hawk! Hmmm.... I'll figure out a way. I'm afraid if I just email the OWM, the OM will intercept... Hmmm...

Do you have her address? I would do this in person. Drive down there and knock on the door.

Here is how I would strategize this. Make up a list of your close family members and friends. Go to the OM's facebook page and copy and paste all his facebook friends into a WORD doc. Try to ID his parents and family members.

1. call your close family members like parents, sibs, etc. Tell them about the affair, that you love your wife and are trying to save your marriage. Ask them to use their influence to persuade your WW to end her affair. Ask for their advice.

2. Get in the car and drive down and tell the OMW. Give her all your evidence of the affair and give her your cell phone #. ALSO GIVE HER YOUR WIFE'S CELL PHONE #.

3. send an email with a similar message to other people, such as close friends and neighbors. Tell them about about the affair and how heartbroken you are. Ask them to use their influence to persuade the OM and your WW to end their affair. Ask them to support your marriage.

4. Call the OM's parents and tell them about the affair. Ask them to speak to their son and ask that he leave your family alone.

5. Send a facebook letter to key, selected targets on the OM's facebook friend list. I will post a sample letter at the bottom. SPACE THE EMAILS OUT A MINUTE APART SO FB WILL NOT SHUT YOU DOWN FOR FLOODING.

6. sit your kids down [just you] and tell them all about the affair. Tell them who the enemy is and explain why adultery is immoral and what you are doing to save your marriage.

This should all take place on the same day if you can manage it. That is so that this hits with a tsunami effect that prevents the affairees from regrouping and pre-empting you.

Yes, your WW will be furious and she will make threats, "I was going to give you a chance." "Now I am getting a divorce...." blah, blah,blah, yip and yap. DON'T PAY IT ANY MIND. It is meaningless. Just say "I thought everyone should know, sorry you are upset!" And then SMILE! Don't let her scare you or bait you into a fight.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
M
Member
Member
M Offline
Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 92,985
Likes: 1
Facebook exposure suggestions



Dear friend of Skankyhola,

It is with great regret that I send this letter but I believe all of her friends should be aware that Skanky is having an affair with my husband, Joe. We have been married for 5 years and have 3 heartbroken children. They have been having this affair since October according to the evidence.

I would be happy to provide the evidence to anyone who asks.

I would ask that you use your influence with Skanky to persuade her to leave my husband alone. You should also watch your own husbands around her because she is no friend to marriage.

I would appreciate it if someone would notify her parents and ask them to call me at xxx-www-xxxx.

Thank you, BW
another great post about facebook exposures:

Originally Posted by Tabby
Tabby: Go to the OP's profile page. Look at his or her friends list. If they don't have too many, you can send to all of them. If they have hundreds (and many people do), then you'll have to target them more specifically. You are looking for people who have the same last name, or somebody who writes on the OP's wall frequently. You can also look for people who live in the same city or work in the same place.

When you identify these people, send each one a personal message. The personal message should state that your WS and OP are having an affair and that you are trying to save your marriage. State whatever proof you have, though don't be graphic (i.e. say you have pictures or texts but don't say what's in them).

Change your profile picture to one that clearly shows you and your spouse and your children if possible. Some of these strangers that you send a message to will click on your profile. They should see a happy couple/family. They might even recognize your WS and if he/she has been introduced to this person under false pretences, this will increase the impact of the exposure. Affairees don't just lie to their BS's, but they often lie to other people as well. If they see that children are being affect, it will have an equally powerful effect. Make sure the picture is recent enough that your spouse is recognizable by a casual aquaintance.

Remember, when you are writing to strangers, their initial gut reaction is going to be "who the he** is this?" The message has to be very polite and adhere to the basic facts. Let them verify your story on your profile page and do any further investigating on their own (which will stir up even more exposure).

Oh and one more thing - send all your messages at the same time. Not one message sent to everybody (only put one addressee in the "To" box), but go one by one by one until you are finished. You should also write down these people's names somewhere. The instant that the OP hears about what you have done, they will block you and you will no longer have access to their friends list.

To add to Tabby's excellent suggestions, send the messages a minute apart so fb doesn't shut you down for flooding. Before you start, copy and paste all the friends into a WORD doc.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


Page 1 of 4 1 2 3 4

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 649 guests, and 84 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
litchming, scrushe, Carolina Wilson, Lokire, vivian alva
72,031 Registered Users
Latest Posts
Three Times A Charm
by Vallation - 07/24/25 11:54 PM
How important is it to get the whole story?
by still seeking - 07/24/25 01:29 AM
Annulment reconsideration help
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:05 PM
Help: I Don't Like Being Around My Wife
by abrrba - 07/21/25 03:01 PM
Following Ex-Wifes Nursing Schedule?
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:21 AM
My wife wants a separation
by Roger Beach - 07/16/25 04:20 AM
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,625
Posts2,323,524
Members72,031
Most Online6,102
Jul 3rd, 2025
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 2025, Marriage Builders, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 8.0.0