(for background please see: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2477371#Post2477371)

Well BH has moved back in as of Sunday, and we are giving it ago. There has been some minor difficulties, (he has been upset on and off, and I hate seeing that) but it hasn't been anywhere near as hard as I thought it would be. We've been able to talk about what it is that's upsetting him, and look at ways to make things better. We've both completed our ENQs and went through the answers last night. It was reassuring to know that we had already discussed BH's main concerns (O+H and Affection) and have a plan of action to better meet them. It also helped me to realise what my EN were. I was finding it difficult to say "this is what I need from you" as I couldn't pinpoint what I actually needed, but it became evident when we were completing the questionnaire.

My main worry at the moment is that it's been almost too easy.. we thought our physical relationship would be much harder to rebuild, but it has been fantastic. Although BH said he has found it a little distracting sometimes with his mind running to dark places, but it has not affected "performance" and hasn't been upsetting to a point where we have had to stop. I also thought that when he was upset I may not be able to comfort him (as in he may not let me), as he may not want me near him or may be angry at me, but I've found it easy enough to talk through concerns, and comfort him with cuddles and kisses. Although I can tell that he is sometimes a little uncomfortable, he does seem to be reassured by contact - which is good, because that's the best way I know to make him feel better.

I know that we're in very early days - but from people in a similar phase to us, how did you find your first week or so in comparrision to say the next few months? Was it easier? harder? much of the same? different every day??! We're both very aware that we are in for a long hard road, and I don't think the last week has made us think any different, I just worry that if we have a "blow up" argument, it may be a shock to the system.

(p.s. we've got SAA book now and are beginning to work through it together)

I would say that 9/10 the #1 need of a BS will be O&H... I'd even venture to guess 10/10.

Why? Because a lack of openness and honesty made the A possible.

What you are going through on the physical portion is called hysterical bonding. It went on for us for 6-8 months.

Mrs, don't leave his side unless he specifically and directly asks you to, and even then, I would think you should try to resist a little.


As a BH myself, I have tried to chase her off several times over the past year. I have tried to make her let me go.

Read that carefully; I kept putting the ball in her court.

You gave up on him when you chased the attention of other men, now he is giving you another chance; DON'T WASTE IT.

Something for you to think about is what would be worse? That he blows up, and tells you how he is feeling, or he blows up, and shuts you out completely?

It's a tightrope walk for men on that. It's a rope I am still walking; do I tell my FWW that I am upset, and why? Or do I just "tough it out?"

It leaves me feeling stupid, as I know that "toughing it out" doesn't work; eventually FWW sees that I am rotting inside, and then she's mad, hurt, angry, and scared that I am shutting her out and am going to do so forever.

Let him know you are there BY BEING THERE. Let him know you will listen BY LISTENING.

Stand in the fire you've created.

I can�t speak for your H, but I can take a guess about his mentality about your physical stuff:

His very primal instincts are at work here. He is reclaiming his mate. I felt a very strong desire to do the same when I was a BH.

Expect it to wear off as he gets past the initial joy of your return to the marriage and for real anger and resentment to kick in at about the six month mark.

SH says that the greatest threat to recovery usually comes from the BS.

It will be a roller coaster and his emotions will be all over.

I hesitated to respond, because I did not want to bring up the detail that HTLD broached.

You did your damnedest to destroy your marriage, and HB took the leap of faith to give you the opportunity to repair the damage. It may soon be your turn to be VERY understanding.

Almost inevitably, it seems the FBS has moments in the recovery period when his emotions, actions, compulsions, impulses will strain the FWS's commitment to your joint project. The worst, and no one condones it, would be the initiation of an RA. Often (as in my case) it appears as fits of anger, but can also manifest itself as depression, withdrawal, or substance abuse. I'm told that high "payments" of Emotional Compensation will reduce the symptoms. Can't verify that from this chair.

We here will be hoping for his sake, that you give him the grace to purge himself of those elements.

Anyway, good luck to you both.