<BR>Thank you Catnip and all others who have reached out. I do need help specifically in dealing with crazy ow. I have always thought that if child did not exist, I would work this out. BUT - OW and child are never going away. She is violent - slashed H's car and body. She is vindictive and threatening - made violent phone calls repeatedly (yes, I am angry that H never thought she was involved) and sent hurtful, awful mail to me. She is a stalker - shows up at H place of work and threatens to come to home. She is constantly involving police in false arrests and restraining orders. In the future, she will send pictures of baby when born. I'll bet she'll record tapes of the cries and send them too. Do I really want this for the rest of my life? Do I really want her child showing up at my door and asking my child where is daddy? Do I really want to shell out my hard earned $$ to ow and deny my children the best I have to offer? Is love for H who hurt me so badly worth it? Advice please...xoxoxothanks vm.

Life,<P>Only you can answer the question of whether it's worth it. Only you.<P>Have you two talked about more extreme measures to keep OW out of your life? Changing jobs, changing phone numbers, moving out of town, stuff like that? Maybe that's what it's gonna take to get rid of her completely. <P>I know there's the question of child support, and if the court forces you to pay it, then I guess you have no choice... but at least you guys should be able to figure out some ways to get some measure of peace. Forgive me if you've already talked about that stuff. Just thought I'd throw some ideas out there to get the ball rolling<P>--andy

Life: I encourage you to get a restraining order and immediately start documenting every time you hear a peep from her and also, record her phone calls to you. Do not be complacent about this or she will run you. Remember, the best defense is an offense.<P>Right now you are so hurt, so angry and so bitter (and rightly so) at your being betrayed that it is logical that you wonder if it's worth the trouble to go through any and all BS coming your way. There's a saying my MIL said to me when I first married David that impacted me considerably. "No one would have made it to shore if they all jumped ship at the first sign of the storm."<BR>Life, what you and I are going through is considerably more than a storm...it's an emotional sunami. Batten down the hatches and make you determinations with a clear head when you aren't so angry, because we go through peaks and valleys of tenderness, sadness one day to almost forgiveness and tolerance the next, then suddenly wham, we're back at resentment, anger and jealousy and indignation. "How the hell could this have happened to us" Right? Remember, you are MILES ahead of the game if he is sincerely remorseful, completely honest and if you don't have to go through withdrawal.<BR>You're in my prayers. I'll be storming the heavens for you.

Life,<BR> I feel so badly for you in your situation, but I have to tell you that I <B>really</B> feel badly about a child who will have a mother like that!!

This is really like a sunami or landslide. Thanks for the advice. I have, infact, been recording messages, filing police reports and we are in the works of getting restraining orders. I hate this woman and what she and H have done to my life. Wish there was a way for it all to go away. Does leaving him make it go away or will this be with me forever?

Hi Sweetheart - sorry you're here to (with us all). Obviously you've got a psycho on your hands. My friends (that recently moved here from another state) had this same type of situation. . . the stalking, threats - threats on the H's life, etc. At least they didn't have the OC involved (like you and I do) but the thing that has worked best for them was to pick up and move! They moved about 200 miles from where they lived and are doing marveously! It was great for the healing from the affair as well as getting away from that psycho. I really wish my H and I had done that - but my H thinks that is "running away from your problems". However, it has worked well for them. Does your H plan to be involved in OC's life - to what extent? If he is NOT going to be involved then perhaps you can get through this and it won't haunt you whether you're with him or not. My guess would be - if you're like me - you don't want her to get him anyway! (as sick as that sounds). However, the others' advice re: restraining orders, etc. couldn't hurt, plus document, document, document. I work for attornies and I know how important that kinda stuff is (in helping your case). This is the sort of thing that could help show that she's an unfit mother in the event you wanted to get the child from her (not sure if you do or not, just a thought).<P>------------------<BR>

move. if you are going to stay with your husband get away from there. is he completely over her? how is he tolerating this? is he encouraging this by somehow sending a message that there is a chance for them? she is obviously desperate, and even in my most angry moments i remember what i was like emotinally when i was pregnant and have mercy on the ow.<BR> my h ow had the baby and now is "out there". it is yucky. in jan we'll find out for sure if it is my h's or her h's. her husband divorced her because of the baby so she is alone, which is why she wanted my husband. but as my husband gave her no hope, she left us alone. she has not been like the ow you describe.<BR> the payments are absolutely maddening. we haven't actually started shelling it out, but it will be so much money. i don't know how i will heal or love with that rock in my shoe. but i am trying not to borrow trouble from the future. i am trying to love and enjoy my family. when we all are sitting around the table, my girls and their daddy---i try to remember that any amount of money or the suffering of rebuilding is worth it for them. there is no man who could be their daddy, and there is no prince charming out there (he'd probably be making child support payments too).<BR> is it worth it? sometimes i wonder. but it all comes down to what i just said. another difficult issue is seeing the precious baby (we saw him in court) and knowing she didn't want him and aching for that child to have a chance for love like any other kid deserves. the whole thing really sucks.<BR> my husband has chosen to have no contact with the child, i feel guilty about that. he says he believes that it is best for the kid, but sometimes i'm not so sure, yet i know that i could not/would not tolerate contact with the ow. it is not fair. the whole thing is not stinking fair.<BR> about moving, we are trying to do it, i know it is a big big deal. but peace is worth it. if your h resists-remind him that it was his choice to make this mess.

Neen and DD, thanks so much for sharing your stories. I have so many of the same feelings. First, H says he wants nothing to do with ow and oc. I think I believe him. Next, we too, will find out in January if child is really his. Lastly, I have a fear of the same reality: over the next few months when the child is born, H may change his mind about contact, MIL will certainly want in on this child, she has no grandchildren yet and somehow, I'll have to see this kid in person. Oh yes, the money is a huge thorn in my shoe too. Regarding moving, H has disrupted my life so much with this and maybe it would be best but for whom? H - yes, me - not really. My roots, family, friends and job all here. Hasn't the affair ruined enough of my life? Anyway, your thoughts and experiences have helped me through yet another hard day...thanks.

life...nothing will change with regards <BR>to how i feel in january--once i <BR>reconciled my feelings for oc i <BR>reconciled them...there is no going back <BR>it is a yes or no type of thing <BR>regarding the oc and i decided no and <BR>that's forever...contact? with ow? i am <BR>doing everything i can to insure that <BR>there is no contact and eventually when <BR>and if paternity is established the <BR>checks won't come from me the lawyer <BR>will handle it further minimizing any <BR>chance for contact which is the last <BR>thing i want or need...as far as MIL, i <BR>am surprised you would think that she <BR>wants in...how could she when her own <BR>son doesn't do you really think she <BR>would want that...do you think she is <BR>that desparate for a grandchild...please <BR>reconsider your thinking...she would <BR>never do that to me...much peace and <BR>love ... trying hard

hi life, i don't think i have ever responded because I can offer little in the way of advice for this complicated mess. <BR>The woman does sound like she is really unstable. Are you afraid? Maybe you need to be? Pregnancy related or always a whacko? I am not saying pregnancy makes people whacky, but there are hormonal shifts that some deal with poorly.<BR>This is the perfect child for adoption. This woman should not be mothering the child, and doubt she would give the child to you and H, even if you were willing to parent the child. <BR>Your job and family are there, but what about visiting? I vote for the move, keep in close contact with friends and family, enjoy a new exciting experience with your h-Just the two of you!! Build lasting memories of this special move to start fresh. If and when things get mellow in the ole home town, consider moving back? Maybe the ow will move on too?

Life,<BR>I know you don't know me, but I know your story all to well. I haven't posted here for about 8 months, but once in awhile I like to sneak on in and see how people are holding up. My H had an affair and has a son that is 3 years old. FIRST GRANDCHILD!... Well my MIL sees him 2 times a week and has taken the OW under her wings. For a while my H and I would go and see the OC but, the nasty witch of the west said that I wasn't allowed in my own MIL's home anymore when the baby was there. If she found out she would call my parents and tell them that my H cheated on me and had a baby to someone else! My MIL of course has taken thei OW's side, since she doesn't want to make her angry. My H and I have not spoken to his parents or family for a year now. My H saw how terrible they were being towards me and made the decision to be wth me instead of them. I am not trying to scare you, but it is a possibility that you will take on the role of being the enemy.... when all you have been is the victim. MIL get strange when their FIRST GRANDCHILD is born. I will tell you what... it still hurts, but it is more anger now than anything. How sad it is! The best advice I can give you is to pray for comfort from the Lord. Without GOD I was nothing. His comfort and strength healed my marriage and got me through these last 2 years!