I've been one here about 6 months ago. After countless false recoveries over the last year, found out again New Year's Day his A continued and he wouldn't leave me or her, so I left- took a few weeks away with our baby and then returned to our house asking him to leave. He did. He moved in with OW. On the last day we were together I said to him he would have to move away to prove to me she was out of his life.

Sooo, over last two months I filed for D. He texts me almost daily wanting me back and talking about how miserable he is with her, tells his family the same. BUT, he still lives with her. I have never responded to him- kinda a dark plan B with D filed. Anyways, yesterday he sends me a text to look at my email, that "I would do this if it meant getting my family and marriage back." I looked at the email, It was from his work needing someone to move and take a position in the same company, ironically to my home town to work there. About an hour and a half from where we live now. Followed with a typical I love you and I'm sorry text about 6 hours later last night. This would be BIG as my family is all there and he knows how angry they are with him.

WHAT TO DO??? I have not responded. I don't even know what I want, if I could even try again, if I want to, if I don't.

Have him take the job, move there, and THEN start asking you for consideration of a recovery plan.

(Uhhhhhh, don't hold your breath waiting for the van to arrive at his door!)

So how do I do that? Say, "OK take the job and then we will see?"

Believe me, still breathing.

But this is what I need to know, exactly how to respond to him.

BI, I just quickly skimmed through your posts from september, when you were last here. I see that you were counseling with SH and he had advised you to modify a Plan B(shudder) for about 6 WEEKS not MONTHS. I see that you say that you have not responded to any of the texts, do you EVER talk or message your WH? In all of these months, what has been going on WITH you and your WH? I saw that you said that you filed for a D, when could that become final? It isn't unheard of for a WS to want to reconcile just before a D but have NO intentions of ending the A.

Your WH is telling you that he wants to reconcile, but as you have stated, he is still living with OW. I would get an IM, and go into a DARK Plan B. Let HIM decide what he is going or not going to do.

What has changed for YOU since you filed for a D? How has your WH changed for you to even consider reconciling? I KNOW that you don't want to let this M go if there is still a chance, what I am saying is that there MAY be, but that is up to WH not YOU. You have done what YOU needed to do for yourself and your child.

Does your WH see your child? If so, how does that take place?

No contact for me with WH for about two months now. He sees our baby only at his parents home and his mother is our go between person. I am in a dark plan B, the preliminary court hearing is March 10. He would have to start this job, if he takes it, by March 15. D will take a while bc of child and assets. I've been doing well, trying to move on and have fewer bad days than good.

I think he is too afraid to be alone, he may do this IF I would reconcile, but I don't see him leaving her unless he knows I will reconcile, that is just not good enough for me.

I'm just wondering do I respond at all with a text back? Something like, " How can you say you would do this to get your marriage and family back when you are still living with her? You make no sense." Or do I just do nothing? I don't want to give up an opportunity and regret it later, but I will not be a pushover to him anymore either. Opinions?

You aren't a true Plan B if you are still reading his texts.

Did you send him a Plan B letter?

Also, using his mom as your "go between" will not work. What you need to do is get into a REAL Plan B with and Intermediary and block his way of contacting you.

You are right to question his motives here.

Do you only have the one child with your WH?

1) Is 30 minutes of drive time enough to actually make you feel comfortable? or is it the proximity of your own family (which can provide extra eyes) what is providing comfort?

2) Has he offered, or have you communicated, any other conditions for reconciliation?

3) Do you... nevermind. Reading your post; "...I don't see him leaving her unless he knows I will reconcile, that is just not good enough for me."

Totally your choice, and that choice is; it's not good enough for him to choose me. Your concern is that he wont' come back to you, unless you take him back?

What are your terms for reconciliation? Do you really even want to reconcile at all any more?

If not, no matter, continue Plan B until the D is final.

Did you give him written conditions (Plan B letter) for returning to the marriage?

I'm with Scotland, I'd be inclined to let him prove his intention by leaving OW. A text response saying "Leave OW and then we can talk" may be in order, but I'd defer to those with more experience with Plan B.

You said his mother is the go-between. What is her stance in this? Is she just standing on the sidelines?

He sure does talk pretty! Unfortunately, his actions don't match his words.

You should not respond to this. How is it that he can even text you? Your IM (MIL, not the best choice, btw) should be filtering out any 'worthless' messages from your WH. And this is one of them.

Here's what he's really saying: "The fantasy isn't so much fun anymore, now that we've got to budget our money and pay bills. And OW hates that I throw my dirty underwear on the floor! AND she was lying when she said she'd love to SF 24/7! AND she was lying when fill in the blank.

It's just like when we were married, except I don't get to see DS very often. So, I'll do this if you'll come back to me. And keep your mouth shut about my dirty underwear."

I would consider it, but how will he assure you the affair is over this time? What is his plan to protect you? I agree that this is hopeful if you move away, but how will you have proof that the affair is ended and stays that way?

Just thinking out loud here, but I think I would ask him to move out of OW's house now, send her a NC letter, open up his life to you and date for a few months to see where this goes. You would be giving him a CHANCE to prove himself. And if he doesn't prove himself, you wouldn't move home with him. I would strongly advise that you take it slow and don't agree to anything except to allow him a chance to prove himself before you commit.

That means you will agree to give him a chance if he takes the move to your hometown and then spends the next few weeks proving himself. If he proves himself, you can move to be with him.

I also read that he moved in with the OW to "He said I think I love her and have to give it a chance or will always wonder. " Does he understand that marriage means he is committed to you and not just a way station until something better comes along? Does he still feel entitled to have affairs so he wouldn't "always wonder?" That view point reflects entitlement, not committment. What if he develops an interest in some new skank?

ML, wow, didn't expect that from you, but thanks. How do I go about communicating then? Do I text him? Call and ask to talk? I don't want to do anything wrong as I finally feel I hold the cards this time. Do I say, yes move, prove yourself and I'll will see?? I don't even know if I can give him another chance, but I'm one of those that wonders, especially when I look at my daughter. Please give me detail on how to approach this.

MIL is very much on my side. His whole family have expressed their disgust and told him they will never ever meet OW. There is no exchange of WH or me with MIL, just all about my daughter. I go in, get her, leave.

Do I really want to do this "chance" thing again?? I don't know, but don't want to always wonder if that would have been it. It literally made me ill to even type in "marriage builder" to the search line today. I've been doing really well and going backwards sounds more risky.

First off, you need to decide if you even want to try this. If you do, I would tell him you want to take it slow and are not going to commit to anything, but you will give him a chance to prove he is serious. Tell him the only way you would be interested is if he moves out now, ends his affair,[sends her a no contact letter] moves away from the OW and then proves he is serious by staying away from her. You can start dating again to see how it goes. If you are convinced he is serious you will give him a chance. If you decide to commit to the marriage, he will have to agree to take the MB online program with you. But you won't take a chance unless he proves he is safe first.

And he if tries to lay a load of crap on you that you have to commit FIRST before he moves and ends his affair, I would tell him thanks but no thanks. If he takes that approach, then he is not serious about committing to his marriage. It just means he is tiring of the OW and trying to see if he can line up some action on the side with you.

Make him work for it. Raise the bar and he either lives up to your standards or you have lost nothing.

Thanks ML. I guess your right, there is nothing to lose at this point. I will not do anything quickly, I know that.

Sooo - a short text or what?

I will let you figure that part out.

Fine, just trying to do things the right way.

OK, I texted him two days ago, "It's interesting to get these kind of texts from someone who is living with someone else." Today he responded, "Guess you didn't have anything to say regarding the texts I sent you."

???? What to do? I am angry and just feel like calling him, putting all the texting games aside and saying, OK are you moving? Are you still living with POSOW? What's your PLAN. This is what Steve always told me to ask for, the PLAN.