Thank you guys so much.

I have one other comment to see if this helps with anything. He did not have a very good childhood. Alcoholic parents who were lazy...house was a pig sty, abuse from the father. His dad died at 51 and H kind of was never the same after that. Can't put my finger on it but "something" off about H. He very rarely talked to his mother. We saw her on Christmas but that was about it. Maybe 1-2 phone calls per year. She only lived 20 minutes away. She died about 2 months before he left. In hospice, very gruesome. When he got the call that she was sick his response was "keep me posted." He eventaully went to visit her about 2 days before she passed.

I'm sorry that he had a less-than-storybook childhood, elle, but it doesn't really apply to the issue at hand.

Very few people have charmed childhoods. I'm always amazed at the number of people who grew up in alcoholic, abusive homes who have great lives now. And they never cheated on their spouse.

We can pyscho analysis him later. All these waywards have different story but same scripts when it comes to an A.


It is not logical and there is no rationale. What you need to find out is the truth.

One question? Why did you wait 8 long months especially since this has been so traumatic for your son? You need to find the truth beginning now.

Because I think that I am a mess. It's almost like I'm paralyzed because I've been blindsided. I almost lost my job because I couldn't function. I'm probably too passive a person?

Write your plan out on a piece of paper. Every time you find your head starting to spin...overanaylze, etc, make yourself look at your notes and refocus yourself. You have been getting good advice, time to put it into action!

Ellegirl: sometimes A's are an opportunity for your own personal growth. You may be amazed that there are some positive things that will come out of this.

If you intend to fight for your M, then you will have to step up to the plate and swing a big bat. You must tell yourself that your H's behavior is unacceptable, and either he will work on saving your M, or you can see him before a judge on opposite sides of the table.

You do not deserve this, and you will not accept it. When your H sees that you will not stand for this, you will see some changes. It may not turn out the way you want, but you can't go on with the current state of the M.

And unless he is found mentally unfit, there is no event from childhood or the past to excuse such behavior.

Its OK to have felt paralzed I did too. I think thats natural. Question is what you are going to do about it now?

And I was also slow to act because he abandoned us. I would never have thought of an affair. When your husband of 24 years leaves with the clothes on his back and leaves his credit cards and cell phone, affair is the last thing that comes into your mind. I guess I thought you get "caught" having an affair and get thrown out.

elle, what would be your plan if you were to write out a list? What is your next step?

Focus on the things that you can control, not the things that you can't...

My prediction is he will be back, begging.

Don't worry if he left before you decided if you wanted to throw him out.

There is no score to keep.

In the meantime....

Work on you.

Live you life, and what the heck? Enjoy it.

You have friends? Invite them round for a wonderful dinner party and celebrate them.

You have family? Arrange a weekend with your loved ones, enjoying nature, exploring a new town. Doing something new / different.

Have you ever flourished on your own? Have you ever been completely responsible for your own happiness?

Have you ever sat in your house listened to music, knowing you were completely on your own, but content with a big smile on your face?

Now is your chance Elle, don't waste it.

We have all been paralyzed. It is shocking beyond belief when it happened to me and all the others on this board. I too was so out of it at work and just went into a holding pattern...for awhile...

Nothing will happen unless YOU make it happen. Coasting is not a method. I know you came here to "fight" for your M, not to sit on your hands patiently waiting. It is a battle but it is a good fight.

Understand it is one thing to be paralyzed but another to turn rigor mortis.

Sometimes we are more scared of finding out then burying our heads in the sand. 8 months is enough.

8 months is about 7 7/8 months late. elle, get in the car. Go pay a visit to your husband and his skanky girlfriend.

Knock on the door. When she opens it, ask for your husband. As in "Is my husband Donald in?" When she tells you she doesn't know anybody by that name, tell her "I think you do. But maybe you don't know that he is married and has a son. He seems to have forgotten that as well. Here's a picture of his son. I'd like you to give that to him because he's probably forgotten what he looks like by now. Tell him this is a good photo - it's one of him smiling, which is not what he does a lot of since his father left."

Wow..your wh (and I can't believe I am typing this) is almost WORSE than my xwh is...so I will let you know what I'd do to this man and his skankaholic ow.

I would be at that front door, with picture of my child in hand as well as a letter also from my child and I'd have put a stake in their yard, a yard sign, with a blown up family photo of us and on the sign, I'd have written below, "Abandoned by our father so he could live with the other woman who LIVES HERE".

Any skankaholic ow who ENCOURAGES a man to not only abandon his wife but 100 percent abandon his kids, would deserve nothing less than a complete nuclear, scorched-earth exposure from me. I would make sure this woman was certainly fearful to even smile at strangers on the street. Hell I'd even take an ad out in her local paper, you know, the one where they throw it in the yard of every neighbor and friend?

You cannot go to jail for THE TRUTH. You cannot be shamed for ever telling the truth and that is what exposure does.

I agree with everybody here, in that there is a huge huge secret your wh is hiding from you. In reality you have no idea who this ow is or what she is about.

I'd pay %500 to a good PI and get all the goods on her and get some photos and VALID LEGAL proof and then expose like hell. I'd make her lose control of every possible bodily function if she messed with my child like that. It is unfathomable what you WH and the POSOW (po-sow as in pronounced, "poor sow")would be feeling that exposure like mad, from everybody in that town, after I was done with them.

So he left. It has been EIGHT MONTHS. The shock has worn off and your child DEMANDS you, his mom, to stand up for him. Stand up NOW for your family and for your child.

Are you going to roll over and play dead and let your family disappear without one hell of a fight? I ask you this.

Your family and its' future hinges in your hands b/c your WH at the time right now, is lunatic wayward fringe, and is living with somebody who has him totally messed up mentally, like a damn cult leader.

Hell if somebody left their credit cards, all belongings, and up and left, I would expect to see their next photo of them wearing a crazy nike track suit, drinking kool-aid with the other cult members, waiting for a damn ufo in a comet. Because that is how crazy and brain washed your WH is right now. He's worse than a crack addict. He is like a cult member who walks away from everything good in their life.

And this is WHY YOU MUST stand up and defeat this monster of an ow, and the evil cancer that is the affair which has broken up your home, destroying your marriage, and shattered the heart and soul of your child.

Are you up to doing the right thing now? Pull up and put on some big girl panties, put on your FU pumps with the spikey heels, walk over to the PI office and pay the people to get ever bit of legal evidence on them.

Then, I'd be at their home as they are getting ready to walk out of the home for work in the morning and expose like mad. And YES I'd have a damn sign placed in her yard overnight. I would expose with the likes of nothing seen here on MB before.

Seriously there is a special place in hell for any other woman who makes and encourages a man to not even speak, speak real words, and 100 percent abandon their children.

Ohhhhh,...if I could get my hands on that skank!

Now stop being "frozen" or "scared". What ARE YOU GOING TO DO NOW?

You're talking to a once very sweet, once ladylike (well still am about 99 percent of the time except when it comes to protecting my son from my crazy xwh and his crazy wayward family) woman who grew a spine and one day, exposed an other woman so badly, she permanently has lost control of her bowels and does not have any personal or public life at all for fear of a further exposure from somebody, anybody (she marred another married man) because of how wonderful and vast of an exposure I did. Still damn proud of taking her (the infamous monkeyho) down and brag about it all the time btw.

Now go bring YOUR own monkeyho down! Now! Down like the Titanic! I mean it.

As of this very second, your betrayed wife superpowers have been ACTIVATED!

I think I would also be doing a public records search. Maybe the OW doesn't know he's married. She might think your son is a child from a previous marriage. I'd be finding out if they got a marriage license and got "married".

@ Clueless: The PI can get that info quick.

Fwiw, in less than 12 hours, I had ALL THE LEGAL and personal information on my wh and his ow and photos and video, which were amazing to use in negotiations and in court.

You must ALSO upon exposure, let this awful woman, can I call her "monkeyho2"?, know that if your marriage ends up in divorce you WILL CALL HER TO THE STAND, make her give testimony, NAME HER in the papers for all the world and for all her future living descendants to see and know about, and that you will sue her for alienation of affection (it's legal in some states, but the skank ho cannot be smart and be even aware of that so say it...hell if she were smart she wouldn't be messing around with a married father.).

I'd spend my $ wisely and get all the proof you need. Addresses, phone numbers, public records, and also photos and video. All a PI needs btw, is a recent photo of your WH, color, make and model of his car, where he works and address, license plate info and state, where ow works and any info you have on her and they'll do the rest.

Again, all I could have dreamed of knowing and having it all legal and sound for maybe $500.

Ellie, I don't how you've been able to deal with this for 8 months without knowing anything. I couldn't do it especially in a long term marriage. What have you been doing before you found MB?

Are you telling us everything? Please be honest with us. We don't know you but we do know you because we've been you. This is an anonymous internet board. We want to help.

You mentioned you make more money than him. Can you hire a PI? That would be the quickest way to get to the bottom of this.

By the way, when did his mom pass?

I am telling you everything I can think of. What else do you want to know that you think I'm missing. His mom passed end of April 2010, he left end of June 2010.

I have read a post that mentioned he was possessed by the other woman like a cult. I did call her number (she doesn't answer) but her answering machine message was a "Jesus loves you" theme. Nothing wrong with being relgious, but my H never set foot in a church in his life. Some of my friends think he's born again being with her?

[quote=ellegirl her answering machine message was a "Jesus loves you" theme. Nothing wrong with being relgious, but my H never set foot in a church in his life. Some of my friends think he's born again being with her? [/quote]

Barbiecat spitting coffee out over her computer....

At first I was on some Mid-Crisis sites. Alot of those spouses can be triggered by an event (death of a parent is one). They feel so overwhelmed with negative emotions that they just have to run away from the family who they believe is the cause for their unhappiness. Of course, nothing justifies bad behavior but it might help explain the "whys". Those sites haven't been as positive as all the wonderful people on this site so I think I am in a better place.

Elle, it's going to make YOU crazy trying to figure out WHY. What you need to do now is devise a plan. There have been plans suggested to you here. Are you going to take this advice and figure out what is going on.

If he is in a cult, been brainwashed, snatched by aliens, in a mid-life crisis, has another child, ALL of these things are speculation and until you KNOW what is going on, you can't FIGHT it. Are you ready to FIGHT elle?

Come on Elle. YOU CAN DO THIS. We are all behind you here. We all were scared at first, we all felt lost. We are all not grateful that we took action. That first step is the hardest.