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kirby-Done....Over in the Divorced/divorcing forum. Figured I should post there first since mine isn't quite finished. However, I'll continue to keep an eye on all of these guys over here as I begin to move in this direction.


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Originally Posted by optimism
[quote][Dec 25] Met up with a nice woman later in the afternoon The infatuation stage rocks!

Opt

I missed this update Opt. So happy for you...and yes the infatuation stage rocks! I'm still there btw. wink

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smile ingWoman,
Thanks for checking in. I just looked at some of your thread on MB101 (to unhappy husbands). I haven't been over there much but I was trying to see what you've been up to. It sounds like you love your husband so much and it's really encouraging that you can say the infatuation stage has lasted so long (married in Nov last year, right?).
I honestly would like to think this good state of affairs could last and I'm applying myself to that end. I have already developed what I would consider a deep communication level with my GF and have confidence that we are being really honest and open with each other. We talk about a lot of things that most couples probably don't after only 2 months dating. I know she feels safe talking to me; I've learned from this site sometimes just listening is the most important thing; I don't try to advise her. She doesn't judge me on anything; and I've been pretty out-front because I figure she might as well know me for real b/c a deal-breaker now is a deal-breaker 2 months from now. O&H seems to be a big EN for both of us although she isn't familiar with MB specifically.

It's nice to be in a mutually respectful and satisfying relationship. It would absolutely not be possible without understanding many of the things I've learned here.

GF came by the house tonight and met the kids for the second time. Both visits were short and informal. My daughter likes her, son is too cool to say anything but he is more than respectful and polite. I talk about her a fair amount, but I'm not rushing the encounters. I enjoy the nights with just the kids and she gets that.

Dating as a single father is very complicated. But I think I have a better opportunity to set good examples for my children now than I did struggling in a loveless marriage, then a M wracked by adultery, then attempting to fix things with someone who couldn't be persuaded.

I visited my family over the weekend and more than one of them (including friends) commented on my much more relaxed and in-control state. It made me feel like things were where they were meant to be, for once.

Opt


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
Current Status: MB-based Marriage to Nature Girl 12/8/12 (first date on 12/11/10)
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Good to hear things are going well for you, Opt!

Really liked the last comment about being in a relaxed and in-control state.

To be honest, I was pretty much there in my recovery until I met the GF. She kind of turned my world around and at times I was scrambling to balance giving of myself to her and keeping the boys the priority they should be. I think I have done a pretty good job, but the demands did introduce a little more stress in my life. The holidays falling right in the middle of all this didn't help, either.

But don't read this like it's a bad thing. Nothing wrong with have a little excitement and uncertainty in your life. I think I would have the propensity to hide in a comfortable, routine world of my own creation. Safe, without risks, and bland isn't a great way to go through life, either.

Things have normalized now and I feel I have a pretty good balance. Feeling more and more like "things are where they need to be".

Stay strong!

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Originally Posted by optimism
smile ingWoman,
Thanks for checking in. I just looked at some of your thread on MB101 (to unhappy husbands). I haven't been over there much but I was trying to see what you've been up to. It sounds like you love your husband so much and it's really encouraging that you can say the infatuation stage has lasted so long (married in Nov last year, right?).

Yes. Things are incredible. Even with the crazy visitation schedules between his two boys and my one....we just love being together. Just now, he on the hour and half drive back from dropping off his boys and we talked as long on the phone as service would allow. Mostly about the various complications that come up with the boys and the Exs....but we also talked about our service today...and the first conversation we had where he was 'sold' and I was 'hmmm...maybe.' We have so much fun together.



Originally Posted by optimism
I honestly would like to think this good state of affairs could last and I'm applying myself to that end. I have already developed what I would consider a deep communication level with my GF and have confidence that we are being really honest and open with each other. We talk about a lot of things that most couples probably don't after only 2 months dating.


This was our situation too. Some friends and family were concerned at how quickly we were moving but we told them, 'if you knew all the details of our conversations you probably would not feel that way.'

So much of it is in the timing. He and I were at the perfect 'post divorce' stage where we were really ready. And we had a strong sense of what we wanted and a really good BS detector.

Originally Posted by optimism
It's nice to be in a mutually respectful and satisfying relationship. It would absolutely not be possible without understanding many of the things I've learned here

Ditto


.
Originally Posted by optimism
I visited my family over the weekend and more than one of them (including friends) commented on my much more relaxed and in-control state. It made me feel like things were where they were meant to be, for once.Opt

I hear this ALL of the time now. How my smile has returned....my old self is back...just last night I overheard an older friend say to another friend, 'I'm so glad SW has found her a good husband. She really deserves it.' smile


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I am so happy for the two of you!!


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Thanks all!!
Cautiously optimistic and really enjoying getting to know this lovely woman. We definitely have fun together. She makes me laugh and actually thinks some of my jokes are funny.
We spend a lot of time together but also have our own things going on and are respectful of each other's responsibilities.
~optimism

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Originally Posted by optimism
Thanks all!!
Cautiously optimistic and really enjoying getting to know this lovely woman. We definitely have fun together. She makes me laugh and actually thinks some of my jokes are funny.
We spend a lot of time together but also have our own things going on and are respectful of each other's responsibilities.
~optimism
hurray

I'm truly happy for you, Opt!!!!! I've pointed a certain soldier to your thread for pointers for when he's ready....... wink
kiss

Not


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[Thanks NOT! Nice to see you. I hope I can help a soldier or anyone else.]

Ugh. I think I might have thrown my little dating relationship forward into the Disillusionment (see AGG post in Schtoop's thread) stage -unwittingly. Is that possible? It's only been a couple of months. But it has been a blissful 2 months of adoring infatuation on both sides.

We had talked about her going to pool league with me on Tuesday night. I pictured her driving to meet me there. When it came time to go I didn't really follow up very well and I was on my way when I called. She had been expecting me to pick her up and go. I didn't want to be late so we left it as it was, she stayed home. [To be fair, the notion of her driving there was preposterous - she has no idea where it is and the situation was completely unfamiliar to her; way too much for me to expect of her.] Overall communication issue; but mostly me being a bit selfish in my perspective (not seeing things from my counterpart's point of view) until it was too late. She was definitely disappointed.

Well I did the best I could - apologized and brought her coffee real early the next morning (once it all sunk in to my head what exactly happened - typical slow responding male here). She says things are fine, but I sense a different tone. Bummer! For 2 months I was batting a thousand! She thought I walked on water - it was a nice feeling. smile

Maybe it seems all a little silly. But the thing is this: this is exactly the kind of situation that created distance between me and the now ex. Admittedly I've learned a lot and have a whole different perspective on my behaviors. I truly hate the thought of hurting this lovely woman; she is so sweet and kind. I can't picture her hurting a fly and she so doesn't deserve ill or neglectful treatment. I feel terrible to have caused her any amount of pain or discomfort/disappointment. I really do.

I've expressed all this to her the best I can. Just wondering if I can expect a different complexion to enter the picture and if there's anything else I can do. Maybe it's a good thing. But, If infatuation stage is gone, I'll miss it for sure.

Thanks for listening friends.

Opt

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I think a lot if not most of marital/relationship issues that crop up could have been avoided or mitigated by good communication. So.... I guess you know it's something to work on ya? At the same time, I think this is a good thing in some ways BECAUSE you get to see how she reacts to disappointment, etc with you. I definitely think this is valuable information as you move forward in the relationship. Because you're not going to be batting a thousand for the rest of your life, you know? No worries Opt, small potatoes in the grand scheme of things!

Travis


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Hey Opt, I think I can help here.

So you've been deep in the infatuation stage for 2 months now and this is the first time you've really hurt her? That's a great streak in my opinion.

Here's the deal, and I feel pretty confident I know what I'm talking about because I have been through this a few times with the woman I'm seeing. She's not hurt about the miscommunication or missing the pool night. She's hurt because it was a chance to be let into your world a little more and feels rejected because it didn't happen and you didn't make more of an effort.

How open has she been about introducing you to her friends, family, and coworkers?

I made the same mistake a couple of times. First was when my woman wanted to meet my boys, and I hemmed and hawed and didn't make her feel worthy. The second time was when she wanted to accompany me to my family's get together at Christmas, when again I hesitated.

Here's what you do to make it better:

1) Talk it out with her (or better yet, listen!). Find out what hurt her so much (I bet I'm on the right track) and avoid the deadly D's. These are instead of listening and empathizing with the other person's feeling, you get defensive, denial, and dismissive. Listen and let her understand you know why she was hurt and validate that.

2) You don't have to make it too obvious, but find another occasion (soon if possible) where you can pull her further into your world. She will notice and feel all the safer.

3) Let it go and don't dwell on the transgression too much. Feeling come, but they go just as quickly. Return to your normal caring and fun loving self is the best you can do.

Do these things and you won't be creating distance, you'll actually be pulling yourselves closer together. Intimacy is gained at a much higher rate when you have these bumps in the road that are dealt with successfully rather than a smooth, uninterupted ride. And don't worry, the infatuation stage is definitely NOT over yet.


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Originally Posted by optimism
For 2 months I was batting a thousand! She thought I walked on water - it was a nice feeling. smile

That's the beauty of Infatuation buddy, the feeling of the other person not being able to do anything wrong. But as we all know, no one walks on water all the time, so my thinking is that it's better that this happened now rather than later.

From the way you described it, it was a misunderstanding, but I would not blow it up into you being a babboon or worse - miscommunication happens. The important thing is to see how you both react. You should apologize (which you did), and make the appropriate adjustments, and she should graciously accept. And if she does not, I'll be the first to say "hmmm". I would not go too far in trying to make up for the incident, as it will imply that you should never screw up again, and that is just silly.

I don't think this is Disillusionment Stage material smile.

AGG


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Thanks guys so much. I knew I�d get some perspective here.

Travis. Thanks for you input. Also I noticed you haven�t been on your thread in a couple weeks � hope all is progressing. You�re right about her reactions telling me something. When we talked she did say essentially that this wasn�t a deal-breaker. Overall she did handle it gracefully and with dignity. She accepted my apology for sure. I also think the situation had her thinking things through on Tuesday night. Wondering if she was getting too attached for her own comfort. Understandable.
This evening in a text she said �it�s been a weird couple of days� [she doesn�t text much b/c no keyboard on her phone]. But I think things are returning to normal and ultimately these situations give depth to a relationship, I suppose. Or they bust it. In which case (as she�s said more than once): �we weren�t meant to be.� [we�re both still taking that healthy approach, which I like. Its been a fun time, but we get the level and aim of the process].

Schtoop. Always good to get your perspective and thanks for taking the extra time with a full-on response. I think you�re spot on in your assessment and I was instinctively leaning that way. She�s wants to know that I�m ready to introduce her in other areas of my life. (Is it a Harley concept that women want to be involved in all areas, like the rooms of a house? Or did I read that somewhere else?).
Thanks for sharing your experience and insight. I have essentially been implementing your advice today. I did give her a chance to talk (she talks a lot sometimes but I like that � her voice is very comforting and pleasant) � I just listened actively and acknowledged her feelings best I could. Also not lingering on the misdeed. I�ve learned. I won�t miss the next opportunity to let her know I�m totally proud to have her in my life. She is really special. If it all falls apart for some reason, I have been blessed to get close to her for this short time.

AGG: Was hoping you�d chime in! Thanks a bunch. I felt a lot better putting it all out here- and today has proven that she�s not dumping me like yesterday�s news paper. Maybe pulling back a notch, but I can deal with that.
I guess this all gives me a chance to experience it from my side before she manages to slip up and maybe do something insensitive or inadvertently hurtful (nobody�s perfect and I wouldn�t want that anyway). Hopefully I�ll keep my perspective and handle it as generously as she did.

I have to give this lovely woman a name for the purpose of these posts. GF is so generic. Fred already has �Ballroom Girl� and �Church Lady,� lol. How about Nature Girl (NG for short)? I just read a book of the same title and she does spend a lot of time walking on the beach and kayaking and loving God�s natural gifts. Motion made and seconded. NG it is. smile

Thanks again folks.

opt

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NG it is. Works for me smile .

AGG


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Boy, I hope that speed-readers don't mistake that for "No Good." That would be disastrous!

faint


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Hey Fred!
I'll update my sig line to make it clear~ I certainly wouldn't want anyone to think I
was dating someone who was "No Good," lol.

Guess what? I've signed up me and NatureGirl for a free BR dance lesson for a date this Monday night. We had talked about doing something like that, so here we go. Should be a hoot; I have two very uncoordinated left feet. I'll let you know if I break anything. smile

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Originally Posted by optimism
Guess what? I've signed up me and NatureGirl for a free BR dance lesson for a date this Monday night. We had talked about doing something like that, so here we go. Should be a hoot; I have two very uncoordinated left feet. I'll let you know if I break anything. smile
Hey opt, I think that's awesome! You know, I think going dancing (or taking dance lessons) together is a real $LB deposit! It's an activity you can do together, and have fun and laughs doing.

Here's another thing. The dance instructors will tell you that you should dance with as many different people that you can! This makes you a better dancer. So, while you're having an 'experience' together, you get to not be "clingy" at the same time.

It's a good thing we're not double-dating on this one, though. I'd hate to see what the dance floor would look like with TWO left-footed people trying not to look like elephants with flamingo legs! laugh

Or is that flamingos with elephant legs? Oh well, you get the point...
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Opt -------> dance2 dance2 <------- NG


Watch out for her toes Opt! wink


D-yr fall 06-fall 07
Separated 10/2010
Him-several affairs, last one 3/2011
Divorced filed 3/2011, final 3/2012

Formerly "Mopey".
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2013149&page=1

After a 4 yr FR, it became CLEAR to me of what you can look for in a FR. And that is the absence of POJA, and/or if your spouse tramples on your boundaries. If someone is not willing to do POJA with you, and they don't respect your boundaries, imo, the relationship is doomed.
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Thanks guys, I know we'll have a great time.

Well, S14 finally came out with it last night:
"it just makes me feel weird to see you with someone else and not Momma"
He was all bummed out and I noticed he's been resisting the notion of her joining us for anything.

I had planned a short evening out - dinner, the mall, bowling where he could bring a friend and I would invite NG. When it came time to leave, he hadn't secured a friend's company and it was going to be just the 4 of us (NG was available). We were to go bowling and have dinner.

S14: I'm tired, I have a headache, I want to stay home...

With what I would consider good non-probing questions I got him around to the above quote.

I respected his feelings and let him know it was okay to feel that way. I know it's awkward and let's face it he has 5 more years of memories of me and xww together than does D9. However, I wasn't going to change plans; I told him the reality was that things were different now. I did the best I could.

We picked up NatureGirl and had a real nice time bowling. We all played foozball. We had dinner (burgers and fries). NG was great - she is fun-loving and good with the kids. Her experience raising a son and daughter independently helps I believe. I was affectionate with NG but not inappropriate (obviously); although anybody can see I'm googly over her.

Son had been quiet on the ride up (20 minutes) but seemed fine once we were all together.

Where did I go wrong? What could I have done differently? What should I do next?

Optimism


Me: 43 y.o. BFWH, D-day 11/11/09 (NC since 9/01)
Divorce from WW final 9/16/10.
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t/j Opt Justus wrote this yesterday on the photo thread. Just wanna make sure you see it.

Quote
***opt***
I've tried to contact you via email. Your MB email address is not good!! Email me!

JustUss
end t/j


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