Thank you all.

Does it matter that he sent a NC letter and intends to follow through? I really believe he intends to follow through.

He left the cell phone he had used for her on the shelf this morning before he left for work. He sent me an email when he arrived at work, emailed me again saying he would be calling at lunch, called me on his lunch (said he loved me for whatever that is worth (nothing to me at this point)), called me when he has a break in the afternoon and told me he was leaving at 5 exactly and that he will email me right before he leaves as well. He said he would call me several times on the drive home but I don't think that's a great idea (cell phone and driving) even though I know he was doing that with her. I have all his email passwords and he said I'm welcome to check them at any moment. He told me I can check his phone to make sure all his calls are to me.

He actually never denied anything--he told me he knew I knew and he was glad I knew before I said a word to him as I hadn't intended to reveal until I figured out what to do. He's been honest about all that happened to me, my parents, his parents, and his friends.

He (in front of me) deleted all the emails he had saved between them, shredded her letters, and let me listen and then erased the saved messages on his phone).

I don't know. I really think he intends to end it permanently. Whether he can follow through I don't know but I do believe he means it right now. He did tell me at lunch that he was feeling depressed and down and finding it hard to concentrate. He said he wasn't tempted to contact her (I asked) just that he felt really down.

I'm an idiot if I were to send her a letter asking her to honor never contacting him for the sake of our children? Her messages and such make me think she does care a bit about them. I don't know.

No you're not!! Are we talking about the OW here? If we are then you should know she cares nothing about your children, otherwise the A wouldn't have happened in the first place.

Look out for yourself and your marriage at this time. You don't need to worry about what the OW is thinking, feeling, planning, eating,going, [censored],puking...anything...unless of course it impacts your marriage.

At this point, you can't drop your guard because H says they're "through." Right at this point, the withdrawal period will start (for most.) AP's don't turn off the A like a light switch.

Good intentions are worthless. Actions over time are the only thing that will prove intent. What your H did was a good start. But if he is like most, he will have incredible urges to contact the OW to make sure she is "OK." Your H having a lifeline to the OW after the A is "over" should be expected

You need to monitor his actions very closely. Mood swings, unaccounted-for time, guarding of phones, passwords on computer/phones, etc. are all signs that the A is still ongoing. If I were you, I would have a VAR in his car to monitor him and give you some peace that he is honoring your M again.

And get one thing straight: the OW is not interested in the welfare of your kids! Throwing the God story in there about the kids is another fantasy aspect of their "soulmate" relationship. If this OW had any brains at all, she would know that the worst possible thing for your kids is for this OW to destroy your M and replace a great mother for a POS skank-ho.

I would commend you if you told the ho-cake to stay far, far away from your kids, unless she wants you to make her life a living hell!

My FWH did exactly the same things that your has done. I also believed that he truly intended to follow through ... to this day I believe that he intended to follow through. What I didn't realize was the power of the fog. That the A was an addiction.

I didn't expose to OWH because I didn't want to ruin OW family like she had ruined mine. Big mistake. This left the door open for OW to continue to contact my FWH. No one was watching HER. OWH was clueless ... he didn't know that he should be watching her.

OW started calling my FWH and hitting *67 so that the phone number would be blocked. It took me a while to figure out that the unavailable numbers on the cell phone bill were her. FWH said they were banks which blocked their numbers for security reasons.

Given that your husband's OW thinks that GOD meant for them to be together, I think that chances are very good that she will try to keep it alive and take it deeper underground.

Like you, I also believed that OW cared about my children. Our children played together!

Although my FWH was remorseful and wanted to break away, he just couldn't do it and caved in when OW kept up contact. You know since FWH was in love and all (puke).

You need to FIGHT for your family. Whatever it takes. Tell OWH. You need OWH to be watching her like a hawk.

Oak tree: the OM used the *67 trick on me when he knew I was on to him. My FWW's cell phone records were full of those "unavailable" numbers.

Sandra2: LISTEN to oaktree! A's are all brewed from the same recipe, and the story plays out similarly across different people in different places in different times.

You must fight for your M! Exposure to the OW's H could turn out to be the single most important thing you do. You are not destroying another family by exposure! The family has already been destroyed by the OW's A. Don't prolong the cancer that exists in the other family by being a co-conspirator with the OW. You know the truth. Tell the OW's H.

E-X-P-O-S-E.

Almost EVERY WS uses that line when exposed. It is TEXTBOOK. It is the rule, rather than the exception. But a WS wants to reconcile, wild horses will not stop them, much less residual resentment over exposure.

Hi Sandra, did you read our posts about exposure? The affair MUST BE exposed to the OW's husband. He has to know what your husband has done to him so he can protect himself and his children from him. You can't skip this step, Sandra.


Did you save a copy of the evidence to show to the OW's husband? He has a right to all that. This is information about his life that is being wrongfully and cruelly withheld from him.

Sandra2,

Do not have any contact with the OW. She is a liar. Do not believe anything she says. She is protecting herself.

My FWH OW looked me in the eye several times and put her hands in the air and promised no more contact. She even invited us over for a meeting with her BH to discuss the situation and offered to get a babysitter to protect the kids. She led me to believe that her BH knew everything. She was gaslighting me with that invitation. She knew I wouldn't take her up on it since I had made it clear that I never wanted to lay eyes on her again.

I later discovered that OW H knew nothing. OW H thought I was just upset because my FWH and OW "went out for a coffee." She was beginning to paint me as a crazy jealous wife.

She would then turn around and hit *67 and call my FWH. Business as usual. The whole thing blows my mind ... how she would manipulate things to make herself look kind and caring. And I would fall for it!

Your contact needs to be with OW H. I would have saved myself a lot of grief if I had exposed to OW H from the very beginning.

Do not let your guard down. Believe only what you can personally verify. Waywards cannot be trusted when still in the fog - no matter how committed they appear to be to the M.

Does your WH have a plan for how he will handle contact from her? And she WILL contact him. She is not going to give up this easily. Especially since her BH is clueless.

I am certainly no expert here - but I have seen my story played out endlessly here. Don't make the mistakes that I made. Why have you not exposed to OW H?

Hubby knows of site so I can't be really specific on my thoughts and plans for actions. So I decided to edit. Ugh.

But this is no excuse to not warn her husband. If your neighbor's bookkeeper was embezzling money from him would you not expose because the thief is scared you will "mess up her life?" See how that makes no sense? The bottom line is that the OW's H needs to know what your H and his W have been doing to him behind his back so he can protect himself and his children.

By not telling him you are enabling your H and the OW in the hiding of the affair. Affairs thrive on secrecy so the ONLY thing that benefits from your secrecy is the affair.

It is cruel to withhold this information from your H's other victim, the OWH. Helping them keep this secret makes you an accessory to the crime and the OWH will not appreciate it if you don't warn him.


Your H is much more likely to be killed if you don't tell the OWH and he finds out on his own. And he will find out. But if you don't tell him, you will have no control over WHEN that will be. You will have to live your life wondering WHEN that will be. And the more time that passes, the more furious he will be because that will be compounding the crime.

Does he have any record of violence? See, MOST OW are liars who portray their husbands as "abusive" in order to a) pander undeserved pity and b) manipulate people like you into covering up their crimes. I would call the police station and get his record. Find out if this story is true.

Think about that for a minute. The skank knows him best, right? If she is NOT AFRAID of him, and she knows him best, then why would you - who don't know him - be more afraid than her? If she were afraid, then obviously she wouldn't cheat. So, if she is not afraid, then why should you be?


That is no excuse to enable an affair. You just become an enabler and an accessory to the crime. Your "fear" does not supercede his right to know what your H and his wife have done to him.

Melody, I deleted those replies you quoted because I know my husband knows of this site and I'm trying to keep my thinking on this area close. I don't want any prep--you know?

I do appreciate your thoughts though.

Sandra2: any betrayed husband is capable of doing this. But, think what will happen when he finds out (and HE WILL FIND OUT) that he was duped by his wife, your husband, and YOU!

You are making a mistake in logic if you think that he may kill your husband if you tell him, but won't kill him if you don't tell him.

This a will not remain a secret for long, and the BH WILL FIND OUT! I would venture to guess that the longer he feels he has been duped by everyone, the more angry he will be!

You are taking a much bigger risk by not telling him. Let me outline how:

1. by not telling him, you have no control WHEN he will find out. finding out on his own increases the chance that he will come after your H

2. by keeping your H's crime a secret, you make it much easier for them to resume the affair. It is much easier to carry on an affair if there is only person watching. With 2 ppl watching the affairees, the chances of a resumption are greatly lessened

3. your husband can't exactly claim to be sincerely remorseful if he doesn't make sure his victim knows what he did to him. That is not recovery

4. protecting your H from the consequences of his crime keeps him foggy and prevents him from learning his lesson.

Here is what Dr Harley, clinical psychologist and founder of Marriage Builders says about exposure:

here

In addition, your children should be told all about his affair since it affects their lives too. Giving them false explanations for the source of tension in their home teaches them dishonesty. It is lies and adultery that poison little kids, not the truth.

You didn't bring him to this forum, did you?

Listen to MelodyLane. Her words above are GOLDEN. This BH needs to know, and it would be best if he heard it from you. You can tell him that your H has committed to NC and is recommitting to your M.

What the BH does after that is up to him, and remember that your H had many, many opportunities to consider this possibility.

Is there anyone you can contact at your old job who can do a background check? Surely if he is this unstable he will have some history on his record. Seek out information on this guy and make a wise choice.

Ignoring the situation will not make the threat go away.

Suggestion: if you have made the mistake of bringing your H to this forum, I would get in the car and drive to the OW's house tonight and inform her H of the affair. Do this before your H forewarns that filthy, vile, skank.

Also, have you been checked for STDs? I would do this before you let your H lay a hand on you.

I found out my husband was having the affair by running across an email account. He noticed I had accessed it even though I had covered my tracks I thought. I thought I had also deleted the internet history and covered my tracks to here but he had other ways of tracing stuff and found this site and everywhere I had went too. So he found it; I didn't tell him but he does know.

Sandra, do you know where the OW lives?

It sounds like he has a keylogger on your computer. Why do you think he is watching you ?