I have been a long time reader of these boards and only posted once, but due to recent events I really could use some other input on my situation.

I have been divorced for 3+ years and my ex wife and I have joint custody of our two kids a 13 y/o daughter and 8 y/o son.

My ex wife is currently having an affair with a married man. I suspected this was going on at the end of our marriage though I never had direct evidence. Our split came after a long, slow dissolving of our marriage and her affair was a symptom of that. All this is to say I was certainly not without fault either.

Here's the kicker: both my ex and her paramour are public figures and serve elected positions in local government.

That's the background.

Fast forward to today an my ex gets a e-mail from a parent at school. Turns out our daughter said some things about my ex's affair to some friends who told their mom, etc... I don't know the contents of the conversation or e-mail other than the mom told my ex that our daughter wasn't to contact her daughter again, etc.. then lectured my ex-wife...

My ex talked to my daughter who is now faced with having to "be strong", "keep it together" and ignore any possible rumors about her or her mom in school. A difficult (and I believe unfair) task for a teenager in middle school.

I have pretty much ignored my ex's ongoing relationship with OM. Though I've had to game-plan some scenarios: what do I do if OM's wife calls me, what happens if ex wife's affair with OM is exposed at a public meeting, etc...

However, now that her affair is potentially affecting my daughter's emotional well-being and schooling, I am concerned. This is all my ex's doing, and I strongly feel she should fix this, yet, as a father, I a obviously concerned and want to help and support my daughter and am seeking advice from others as to how to best do that.

On one end of the continuum, I suppose I could file for sole custody, have my daughter live with me, and even move to another school district. That strikes me as a bit extreme and it would seem that there's gotta be something else I can do.

Thanks in advance for any input or suggestions.

Hi KGM. Welcome back.

Tough situation. I'm upset that your ex's actions are hurting your daughter. Waywards are so very selfish.

Have you discussed adultery and morals with your daughter? She needs to know that lying and sneaking around is not healthy behavior. Your ex is setting a terrible example of what a healthy relationship looks like.

If it were me, I would want to expose the affair to the BW because I believe she needs to know the truth about her life. I'd want someone to tell me if my husband was having an affair.

However, I wonder what kind of ripple effect that could have on your daugher if BW exposes publicly and outs your ex.

Here's an idea.....can you hold the threat of exposure over your ex to get her to go ahead and put your daughter in a different school district anyway?

Sorry...BW??
You mean the other man's wife, right?

Have not discussed adultery and morals with daughter yet.

Both ex and I live in same school district which only has one middle school. I can't put daughter in another school without moving first - it can't happen overnight, but it can happen if that's what it came to.

Ex feels that his wife HAS to know and is choosing to ignore it. Ex also thinks his wife would never publicly out her. I'm not convinced of that, but stranger things have happened.

From what I know their plan is to wait until term expires he divorces and they marry. Her term ends in about 1.5 years.

Hi kgm, welcome back to Marriage Builders.

It's my opinion that public figures should not be allowed to behave in ways the public that elected them would not approve.

One possibility that comes to my mind is to notify the local newspaper/media and suggest that they put an investigative reporter on to the "story" and let them do the exposure. If you can provide them with sufficient evidence to show that you aren't just a crackpot or someone with a political agenda, the idea of getting a "scoop" may outweigh any political loyalty the media might have.

These days the news is full of stories of politicians cheating on their spouses. Why not put one more public louse figure on display?

I dunno,

You have been divorced now for three+ years and have (hopefully)detached emotionally from your ex. Other than with matters that affect the children (and I know this does to some extent), you shouldn't give two cents about what the ex is doing or who she is seeing.

The time for exposure was when you were still fighting for your marriage, not now.

You can't control your ex's actions, there is no point in trying. You're not going to get custody changed just because she is seeing a married man, won't hold up in court.

Let this affair implode on it's own. The email from the parent is the beginning of chain reaction.

All you can do is be the best parent you can be, set a great example, and try to teach them right from wrong without being too judgemental about your Ex. They WILL notice who sets the best example.

How do you know that? It's not just because she's seeing a married man, it's because her actions (or lack thereof) are damaging my daughter's emotional (and potentially) scholastic well-being.

I have certainly detached emotionally.

Daughter stayed home from school today. Frankly, she's pretty much an emotional wreck.

I don't care who my ex is seeing or what she is doing. And I'm not even judging her. But she knew the consequences of her actions could have a negative impact on our kids. And, now that they HAVE had a negative impact, that's when I am going to step in and protect my daughter and be there for her. My daughter did nothing wrong and now has to take the fall for the actions of her mom? How many people know of a 13 year old who can successfully navigate these waters? It's hard enough for adults and unfair for the burden to be pushed to my daughter.

I called ex this morning and while she gets it on some level, I'm not sure she sees the complete ramifications of her actions. Fix it to her means (among other things)talking to daughter and getting daughter to talk to a counselor if need be. Never any personal responsibility on ex-wife's part -- sad, but unsurprising -- that's her family's pattern.

Not only that, but I think ex is incredibly naive to think that a counselor will "fix" daughter when this is clearly an issue ex created.

Ex definitely knows how I feel and I was able to stay focused on daughter's well-being. I told ex in so many words that I would do what I needed to do to protect my daughter. I came close to telling her that she needed to end it or he needed to get the ball rolling. I didn't because it's
been less than 24 hours and it seemed fair to give it a day or two to see how it played out.

Still, I think ex definitely felt the implied threat. She did say she was up all night talking with paramour, so it's certainly (thankfully) weighing on her.

I honestly don't know what good it would do to expose the affair. Yeah, it might make me feel better at ex's expense, but what I really want is to protect my kids.

And, schtoop, yes, I am working hard at setting a great example, and not being judgmental. :-)

Pictures + Newspaper

Umm. . . . I don't think that would help his daughter's emotional well-being. At all.

kgm76, in the south courts tend to be more conservative than in some other parts of the country. I'd suggest that you contact your lawyer and tell him what has been going on and see if he thinks you have a possibility of getting a change in custody.

Also, I think you need to have a serious talk with your daughter and find out what SHE wants. At 13, her opinion will be considered. If she really wants to stay with Mom no matter what, then don't waste your time and money on legal action.

But if your lawyer thinks you have a decent chance, AND your daughter wants to get away from the stress of watching Mom live an immoral lifestyle then go for custody.

Now that the gossip has started, there is a very good chance that your ex's story will find its way into the local media before her term in office is over. If that happens, moving to a nearby school district may not be helpful for your daughter, unless she has a different last name from her mother.

I'm sorry. It must hurt to watch your daughter suffer because her mother is making bad choices.

Why would you sit back on your hands with this knowledge of what that poor woman's husband and your ex are doing to her?

Pictures + newspaper - YES. And guess what? Your daughter is already embarassed and suffering. Having the two cheaters outed and facing consequences will only validate your daughter's gut feeling that what they are doing is wrong.

And maybe, just maybe, Homewrecker Mom will get a clue and knock it off, and her relationship with her daughter will get better. It will only get worse the way things are now.

And you got this from the Betrayed Wife, right? No? Surely you know that this is just part of your XWW's fantasy ("His cold evil wife doesn't love him and doesn't care that he's with me.")


You have the power to bust up this fantasy now. If you do, at the very least your daughter will not have it hanging over her head every day. That would be reason enough for me.