I'm a newcomer here, having been told about this site by a friend earlier this week.

My wife and I (married 25 years) have been separated for two months. I had an affair and she kicked me out of the house. In the past two weeks we have begun talking on the phone once a week, and we've gone out for dinner/movie and then I've visited the house to do some maintenance work. Even though we're getting along better, she's still trying to decide to divorce me or try to work things out.

I want to give up my passwords to Facebook, my work e-mail, the cell phone account and other general Yahoo and Gmail accounts. That way she can check him at her own time to show I'm not cheating on her. Believe me, after what I'm going through I don't want to have another affair ever again.

Will giving her the passwords (and I do trust her not to sabotage my accounts) help win back a little bit of trust?

Hi Mick, yes, becoming completely transparent will help. The most important thing, though, is ending contact with the OW and eliminating the environment that led to the affair.

Have you ended all contact with the OW? How did you conduct your affair?

You need to give her all these passwords and access because it is the right and transparent thing to do regardless of what her response might be.


You focus needs to be on what SHE is going through. What you are going through......you brought on yourself. I would recommend reading through the articles on this site and buying Surviving an Affair. Also, look for posts by a FWH named Gloveoil on here.

Your wife is in the trauma unit in the midst of a code blue, and you seem to be focused on physical therapy. Owning your A and being completely honest and completely humble are essential.

I ended contact with the OW a day after the affair was revealed. It was conducted through phone and Facebook. She contacted me through Facebook a few weeks later and I told her it was best we not talk anymore, and she agreed. I have her blocked on Facebook.

She can be unblocked in 2 seconds, too. You need to DELETE facebook entirely and BLOCK facebook on your computer.

Who is this woman? Is she married, and if so, does her husband know? Is this your first affair?

How did your wife find out?

Change your cell phone number. Give your FB password to your W and have her change it. You do not need to be on facebook at all right now. Just like an alcoholic doesn't need to assume he can go into a bar as long as he doesn't look at the drink menu.

This is a long process. There is no entitlement, no guarantee, and honestly, a WS deserves nothing. Know that this choice to cheat is fully your responsibility. it is not the time to mull over or discuss what "she" might not have done enough of, what was missing in your M, etc. Your job right now is to get honest with yourself and get honest with her. Anything she wants to know, she gets to know. Don't think in terms of days and weeks. Think in terms of months and years.

I am not trying to be harsh, but imagine if someone took what you love the most, and mutilated, mangled, and spit on it....then multiply that by 100. That is just a shadow of what your W is likely feeling.

Yes, transparency would be immensely helpful. Deleting your FB account is crucial as well. If you and your W get into recovery, you two can set up a joint account (it can be done, many here have done it). This will go miles in showing your W that you are serious.

If your W is not sure about whether or not she wants to D, why not take the initiative and set up a phone appt. with the coaching center here(see link at the top of the page)? If your W is willing to join you for a phone counseling session, great, and if not ~ do it yourself and let her know you are doing this.

The Harleys can set you on a good path for recovery, even by yourself in the meantime. This would be your best bet.

Do more than just deleting your FB account. Facebook makes it way too easy to reactivate the account -- all you have to do is type in your email address and your password, and you're back into your account as if you never even left.

Delete your account. Then block facebook on your computer. It's very easy to do: How to block a website.

Don't entertain any ideas of ever getting facebook back. You've proven yourself untrustworthy with it. Cut it out of your life and don't look back.

I would share MB with your wife, here she can get a tion of support/sound advice.

Does your wife know the other woman? Is she married? If she is, your affair with her needs exposed to protect the husband of that family.

You need to write a no contact letter which is to be read by her and sent by her.

If it was a work affair, quit immediately. You can look for a job unemployed.

Delete all references to OW like pictures, songs, etc. Destroy everything else related.

If you have done these things, you can ask for another chance. Actions speak louder than words so prepare to meet your wife's needs/eliminate love busters especially dishonesty.

Dont expect her to forget and forgive you as of nothing ever happened.

We've also had BSs change the password and then deactivate the account. The WS can't reactivate the account without the new password...

I think you would also then need to change the email address that the account is associated with so that the PW could not be changed yet again.

My WW and I have argued about this. We are two weeks past D-Day. In my sitch, she honestly just wanted to divorce me. Did not do that, decided to have an affair instead. (EA) He did not pursue her because she was married. But her heart really went for the guy and still does.

Right now, she may or may not want into the marriage. She quit the marriage two years ago.

So...Mick1963 is in a different WS position. He wants his wife back. He wanted his marriage AND he wanted the affair. My wife did not want the marriage... she wanted the affair. Did not get the affair she wanted, and is now stuck with a marriage she didn't like. (we are making progress... we talk a lot, are in therapy, and are working. I believe in recovery and so does she. But there is no promise.) So you see, in my sitch, the WW is not interested in following MB. Perhaps someday when she really wants the marriage.

In Mick's sitch, he (the WH) wants to survive and recover. So he should propose to follow MB in every detail.

Stretch, I am sorry to hear that. Hopefully, you understand that the solution to such a situation is Plan B? A WS that won't commit to the marriage and do the things necessary for recovery is worse than getting divorced. If she won't do the things necessary to earn your forgiveness you are wasting your time and damning yourself to a death of a thousand cuts along with repeat affairs. When a WS won't get on board the answer is Plan B.

Thank Mel.
Only two weeks since exposure. Lots of progress. Watching the fog slowly clear and getting myself emotionally stable. Discovering a lot about each other. EN's and LB's. Working on Plan A for the time being. Please keep popping into my thread to see how its going. The other BH's are impressed with the results so far. But you're right... no commitment is totally nagging.

Plan A for now. I feel Plan B is not ready yet.

Sounds a wee bit casual, does it not? "It's best we not talk anymore..."

You are working from a position of zero credibility and integrity. Your words mean nothing. You have shown your W that you can deceive her while cake-eating. I've been in your shoes, so I know the level of dishonesty it takes to do it.

You need to convince your W to let you move back in, and then work together as a team to end the A forever and repair your M. Giving up passwords and emails is a start, but we all know that secret email accounts can be created, and fake Facebook accounts can be created.

I don't believe you've answered who the OW is, and whether or not she is married. Is she married? Where does she live in relation to you? Was it a few casual encounters, or did you suffer the "soulmate syndrome?" How deep was it, and what was the extent of deception? How much does your W know about the A?

My FWW, in the ultimate expression of sincerity, called the OM's W and had a 2-hour conversation with her, and answered any and all questons this poor woman had about my wife's A with her H. Then I had a 2-hour conversation with her after that. It was very healing to have my W own up to the A, especially to the OM's wife. We all agreed that there would be no further contact from any of us for life.

You say you are remorseful and don't plan on doing THAT again. Well, you may be over it, but your poor wife will need months and maybe years to recover from this. In your mind the A is over, but to your wife, the hell is just beginning. Like me, you will get to see the steep price tag to have an A. It's quite expensive.

Please tell us more so we can help. The devil is in the details, as the saying goes....

Another excellent thing to do to prove to your W you are being transparent and faithful is to offer to put a keylogger on your computer. You can have the reports sent directly to her email address.

stretch, I would drop Plan A. If the affair has ended, it is time for Plan R for recovery. There is a very short window of time here. I would have this chat with her SOON:


If she won't agree to those things, you have nothing to lose because having no plan is a plan to fail. You will end up with a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.