Lost,
been there & done that with the setup and letdown. It's definitely a long and winding road. This will be the third time WS has "ended it".

The one positive possibility out of all this is that the last time this happened, POSOM was a real jerk to her, treated her like crap, said he was tired of waiting for her to decide, etc.

Maybe this will cause conflict with POSOM, and a dose of reality to ruin the fantasy.

Maybe, maybe not. As I said before, i have zero expectations.

I have also heard the "I just can't be with you right now" line. Doesn't it just drive you crazy? It's as if they will consider any alternative except being with the one they promised to be with forever.

Yep, that bothered me too. That's what led to the argument. When we talked later, she was completely different about it.

I even told her that it wasn't what she was asking that bothered me, but the way that she basically demanded it. She apologized and said that she knows that she is very defensive with me. I said, "It feels like you think you need to put on your battle armor every time you talk with me about something serious, as if I am your enemy."

She said, "I don't feel like you are my enemy, but sometimes I feel like you think I am your enemy, because of everything that has happened."

I said- "You are not my enemy, this situation (meaning the A) is the enemy. You are my partner in life, and in raising these children. I love you and these children more than life itself, and I only want what is best for my family."

She said, "I understand, and I will try to be better about that."

Have you thought about plan B? I really doubt she will end the affair unless she gives u a NC letter so u can send to him, if she is not willing to do that then I would recommend plan B.

Thats a good point TD, you and I are about the same vintage and this week would be six months of plan A if my Wife was still in the affair...

TD, the next time that you talk about the A with your WW please, CALL IT AN AFFAIR.

How is your LB? Remember, even though DrH suggested you Plan A, you need to ensure that you keep your LB in the green or you will come to no longer want to recover your M. It will happen in a way that will seem like overnight, one day, you just won't love your WW anymore. Please take care.

Sapphire- not ready for Plan B yet, but keeping a close eye on the LB$ balance.

Scotty- I'm doing okay. LB$ is fine. WS is so up and down emotionally, it really is draining, but at the end of every day, I still love her.

Keep a good ear on Scotty, she's an LB$ master. I'd hire her for my finances if she's as good with real bank balances.

Total --

Ick. The break-up get back together cycle with OM is so juvenile. And what is even worse is that she will use her inability to break off with him permanently as more proof that they belong together! (twisted, right?)

I wanted to chime in on your "possession" question.
I said something very very similar to my BH. I told him he just wanted a WIFE. That it could be ANYONE. He didn't care that it was ME. I also thought that his efforts to repair our marriage were just about possession, and winning -- not about me personally. I was so disconnected from him emotionally that I couldn't accept that he still felt attached.

Its all hogwash.

Just keep working your plan.

Lexxxy,

Thanks for your comments on "possession". I think my WS feels the same way. At times, she seems completely disconnected from me emotionally, but then at other times, I look into her eyes and see so much pain. She will hug me, but she has an extremely difficult time looking me in the eye. It really is astounding to watch this person that you have known and loved for so long morph into this other person that you don't even know.

Like AndyM, I am hoping for the best, but prepared for the worst.

No expectations is the rule of the day.

Scotty, do you have a link or something for that insight? I just would like to read is all. For my own selfish purposes.

Hang in there TD.

I am sorry Reynolds, I don't understand what it is that you are asking of me.

Is it about how the LB being gone will feel? It is just something that I have read here and seen from others. People like Limb and TB(although he was before your time). I have read HTLD posts about it too. I feel that men are at more risk for it since they seem to want to push themselves and believe that they are strong enough. Then, one day, they have gone too far in Plan A, and we as fellow posters can "sense" the change in their posts, the "love" just seems to be gone. It could also be that men aren't as aware of their LB balances as women. JMVHO.

So, in short, I don't really have concrete quotes about it, just more about observations on here and IRL.

BWs are also at risk when they do not go into Plan B quick enough. And if their Plan Bs aren't as DARK as they should be, there is a greater risk that they won't want to recover their marriages. This is one of the greatest risks about Plan B. Not that the WS won't want to come back(because they almost always make an attempt) but because the BS will say, "So long."

Plan A with no expectations and ensure that you take care of yourself or that Taker will rear it's ugly head.

OK thanks Scotty just checking.

The Taker will definitely rear it's ugly head from time to time. The key for me is to be aware of it and take it somewhere away from WS. I think you do need to let it out though- keeping it bottled up will drive you absolutely crazy.

I take nightly walks on the family farm- mostly for prayer and self-reflection, but every once in awhile I use this time as an opportunity to say some of the things I am actually feeling, things that I know would be tremendous LB's if I said them to WS.
(If anyone ever actually sees/hears me doing this, they will think I am absolutely crazy.)

Sometimes just saying it out loud, even when no one is there to hear it, is all it takes to make me feel so much better. So far, every time I do this, when I'm done, I still feel overwhelming love for my wife.

It's almost funny, because I wonder sometimes "Why do I still love her?" Not sure I know the answer to why I do, I just do.

TD, don't you have a new appreciation for the "crazy" people who walk down the street talking to themselves. Some of them may have been just like US.

It is a good outlet to use and I am glad that you are taking full advantage of it.

Why do you still love your wife? Simple(at least as long as you believe in MB) your LB is still in the green. But, it seems that there comes a point where that LB balance goes below that love line. I just want you to listen to your LB and make sure you don't get too far down. I believe that is why DrH puts time limits on Plan A, that way, without his direct advice, you err on the side of caution.

Attended DS10's Cub Scout function last night with WS. She was very emotional. She volunteered that she had just come from therapy. (This was not her normal appt. either.) I asked how it went. She replied, "It was hard, very hard."

She seems very emotionally distant from me right now. She came by my office today to drop off something for DD15. She was cordial, but again, very distant. I asked her if I had done anything to make her upset with me. She said "No, why do you think I'm upset with you.?" I said, "You just seem a little distant." She said, "I think you know what is wrong with me. I am just surviving day to day right now, and I'm sorry if I have been projecting anything on to you." I just said that I understand.

I really believe that she is in withdrawal. Now let's see if it sticks. Three weeks is her previous record. I am still concerned about her trip to SIL's- don't know why, I just have a nagging feeling of foreboding.

TD - trust your gut! Your heart will tell you one thing, your head will tell you something else, your gut tends to balance the two - IMHO.

AndyM, very true- the battle of the head, the heart and the gut.

My problem is that I am now very distrustful of WS, which is only natural, but many times I have jumped to a conclusion that was entirely false.

SIL has been supportive of the marriage in the past, but she has also had alot to say about WS needing to be "independent", "a strong woman", "need your own identity", and "you don't need a man". So, I have very mixed feelings about the whole thing.

It does appear that she has broken it off again, although I have no way to verify that, other than observing her behavior. You would think I would be jumping for joy, but I have learned not to have expectations about anything, especially if it can't be verified.

I have found that sometimes the best thing to do is just be still and see what happens.

When you are going thru this, your mind can really mess with you. I have found that things don't usually turn out to be as bad as I first imagined them to be.

I know exactly what this withdrawal looks like in my WS though, because I have seen it twice before. My WS has become a very accomplished liar, but she is not very good at hiding her emotions from me. I can usually tell what she is feeling, regardless of what comes out of her mouth- 22 years of marriage will do that for you, I guess.

Scotty, you're right about the crazy people talking to themselves- they may be just like us.

Sometimes I feel like I am moments away from a straight-jacket myself.

TD - I understand, there are certain behaviors I watch for - i.e. emotion based eating, going to the gym, going out, body language, comments about weight/appearance, etc.

Just got a phone call from MIL telling me to be prepared for fireworks tonight. Apparently, WS sent her an email that has ticked her off.

I do know that WS told me she has no relationship with MIL now, and she sent her an email letting her know "how things really are" (whatever that means).

She even mentioned earlier today that MIL was probably upset with her due to her email. I have no idea what was in that email, but it sounds like things could get interesting.

MIL takes no crap. She told me one night last week that the day was soon coming when she was going to have a "real mother-daughter talk" with WS about this whole situation.

The Stick of Plan A- "Let the consequences of their actions fall squarely on the shoulders of the WS."