Almost a year ago I found out that my husband was communicating via Facebook(FB) with a girl he referred when we started dating as his 'homegirl' when he promised that he wasn't. Three month during 2009 after we had gotten married this woman sent a FB friends request and three days later a message in all caps about him finally getting married but that being a friend of so many years he could have told her. Now when me and my husband talked about this because they had a sex with no strings attached arrangement when they were both single, he decided that it was best if he didn't accept her friends request and not communicate with her. Period. Well the following year in July I found out that he had been communicating with her via FB. I felt betrayed and angry not because he sent her messages on there but because he wasn't honest with me. He tried to hide it by deleting the messages on FB. We have taken many steps to move on but I can't seem to let go and move on from the fact that I don't know what he was communicating with her that he couldn't tell me when I tell him everything. He said it wasn't anything that was bad or disrespectful.
I guess what I need help with now is letting go not knowing his sent messages to her. Please help with any advice. I don't want this to ruin my marriage. I've been reading this book called His Needs, Her Needs, to try to help me move on but would like to get some advice and any responses from those who been in similar situation or read the book I'm reading. Thanks.

Sounds like your H may have had an EA (Emotional Affair). Of course you are angry and with good reason.

You should click notify and ask the mods to move this to SAA. You will get more traffic there and more help.

Welcome to MB. I am sorry you have the need to be here but happy you found this forum.

I know my newness is showing but what's SAA?

The Surviving an Affair forum.

They'll be able to help you better over there - more people who have been in a similar situation for you to hear from.

Do you know if all contact with this OW (Other Woman) has been cut off, totally and completley?

Do you have a keylogger on his computer? If not, get one and do not tell him about it. This will help give you some piece of mind so that you aren't so anxious all the time.

Here is a thread about keyloggers. If he's computer savvy, don't look at this on your home computer:

Keyloggers

Welcome, Mrs. Shepp. Sorry you have to be here under these circumstances.

Of course you feel betrayed and angry - you should! Your H is in contact with another woman and is hiding that from you. Secrets like this have no place in marriage.

You shouldn't consider 'letting go' and 'moving on'. Your H has demonstrated to you that he will lie and deceive you. That's the problem that needs to be tackled, here. Your gut is telling you that. As long as he keeps you in this unsafe place of not knowing the truth of his activities you will continue to feel this way.

I would start doing some snooping to determine if he is still in contact with OW. Get a keylogger and slap it on his computer when he's not around. I'd suggest the eblaster at www.spectorpro.com It takes just a few minutes to install, runs in stealth mode and will email reports of his online activity to you. Do NOT let him know you are doing this.

If the keylogger report shows that he is still in contact with her, don't say anything to him. We'll help you with what you need to do next.

Have you read Surviving an Affair? I suggest you get it. Click on the 'bookstore' link on this site.

Thanks for the replies...I'm glad I found this place if it's only just to vent. Well I know I'm on here for other reasons but really wish I didn't have to do all this snooping but with the nagging feeling I got I can't help it so I'm going to look into that keylogger suggestions and that book after I finish reading the one I mentioned on here.
@MarriedForever-I don't think he's communicating with her on facebook anymore which was almost a year ago and that was the only way of communication I know he had with her. Plus, he deactivated facebook and hasn't been on it since we got a joint account(but he's don't go on there either for other reasons). So facebook is the only one that I'm sure of especially when I permanently deleted my account and his(just recently since he hasn't been on there and I found out after the fact that you can do that).

I went on those websites to check out the keylogger stuff others mentioned on here and got many warnings by windows the sites were unsafe so I decided not to download that on my husband computer. After praying I'm think it's best to continue on this path of moving on and not be concern about what he sent to her since we have talked about this for most of the 2010 year and we are taking many steps and most of all trusting GOD to get through it.
For me, I realized that if GOD wanted me to know what he sent to her HE would have revealed that so I'm going to let it go and begin to completely heal and forgive him. If anyone have any suggestion on helping me with where I am today I would love to received them...just post it on here. I'm going to start by meditating on 1 Corinthians 13 (New King James Version):

"1 Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I have become sounding brass or a clanging cymbal. 2 And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing. 3 And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, but have not love, it profits me nothing. 4 Love suffers long and is kind; love does not envy; love does not parade itself, is not puffed up; 5 does not behave rudely, does not seek its own, is not provoked, thinks no evil; 6 does not rejoice in iniquity, but rejoices in the truth; 7 bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things. 8 Love never fails. But whether there are prophecies, they will fail; whether there are tongues, they will cease; whether there is knowledge, it will vanish away. 9 For we know in part and we prophesy in part. 10 But when that which is perfect has come, then that which is in part will be done away. 11 When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child; but when I became a man, I put away childish things. 12 For now we see in a mirror, dimly, but then face to face. Now I know in part, but then I shall know just as I also am known. 13 And now abide faith, hope, love, these three; but the greatest of these is love."

"Hope" is not a solution. MANY of us here are Christians, and God did not tell us that our husbands were still in an active A ~instead God led us HERE, to this website and forum and used other knowledgeable people to help lead us to what we needed to do.

Maybe God has given you this website for a reason. Maybe this is His way of telling you what you need to do.

Any warnings you got from those websites are unwarranted. Many here have used those keyloggers and not had any problem. You got the warning because you need to disable the firewall before installing, that's it. Those keyloggers are completely safe.

MrsS, please don't ignore the snooping. I know it feels awkward because you had placed trust in your hubby. Problem is..he broke that trust. What you are doing by snooping is not so much spying on him as it is protecting your marriage.

In regards to letting God handle this...read my sig block.

If you're trusting God to guide you, why are you refusing to see that He has led you here for help? Or do you only trust Him when it's easy? Do you think it's a coincidence that you are here?

www.spectorpro.com is a completely safe site. Your security settings may be too high on Windows.

It's never a good idea to ignore your gut, MrsS.

Since this all has taken place close to a year ago, it is best for my marriage to begin the steps of moving on from that incident. You can�t rebuild trust and begin to forgive if you keep holding on to the past wrongs. My husband has done many things(being an open book is one and that took lots of work getting there) on his part since I found out about the facebook communication(I know for a fact there was no other form of communication than that) and he has stop communicating with her. I�m in need of healing and moving on and there�s only one that can do that�it�s JESUS(GOD). I trust and believe that GOD is the ultimate judge and everything we do (especially hidden secret thing) we have to stand before HIM and be judge. So if I continue to hold on to this and not forgive him, how can I expect GOD to forgive me for my sin?
I appreciate everyone�s replies but I would like some practical advice and Christian encouragement in line with the topic of �how to move on� that can help in building the trust in my marriage. I just can�t understand how continuing to snoop (a year later mind you) is going to do that. Maybe I�m missing something. But again, I do appreciate you all taking the time to respond.

saafeguarding the fidelity and sanctity of your M is a very Christian thing to do. It doesn't violate trust so much as it helps you to rebuild it, one act at a time. These safeguards will help to restore your M, either by bringing light on improper actions or by restoring your faith in your H.

MrsS, have you read the Basic Concepts on this site? Here's a quick link for you: Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts

It would be instructive for you to read these.

As for "moving on"? You'll find that you don't move on. You work through this and heal your marriage, hopefully with your husband on board with the rebuilding. You can find fantastic tools here to help you do that.

Yes, but you understand that God doesn't send Jesus down here on practical matters like this, correct? He sends angels, instead. Consider that you may have run into some today. I'm surprised you would ignore them.

Good luck with your healing.

We ARE giving you Christian encouragement in line with "how to move on". Being able to fully trust your H and KNOW that he is not doing anything behind your back IS going to help you "move on".


Yes, you are. What you are missing is lots and lots of people in your same situation telling what has helped thousands of us "move on" and you are arguing about it.

Did you know that being betrayed this way is compared to being RAPED? If you were raped, would you come here saying "I just need to know how to move on and protecting myself isn't going to help."

A keylogger is going to do is help PROTECT you from another affair. You need to get safeguards in place for this. This IS how you are going to move on.

Can you get your H to come here? We can talk to him and tell him things to do that will help you both move on as well.

P.S. Dr. Harley says we never should have fully trusted our spouses in the first place since we are all "wired for affairs".

Don't ever think that full, 100% trust is going to or should come back. It was irresponsible of us in the first place to place 100% trust in our spouses, as those of us who have been betrayed have learned.

Do not beat yourself up because you cannot fully trust him again. You SHOULDN'T fully trust him again and you never should have in the first place. None of us should have trusted our spouse in this way.

P.S. it takes 2-5 YEARS to heal from an affair. A year is nothing. You are right where you should be emotionally at only a year out.

Seems to me you all are worshipping this Doc. I've read more people on here quote or refer to what he has written or said over what GOD has written and said in HIS WORD. I believe GOD cares about every detail of our lives even those that seem practical. HIS WORD can help, if we let it.
We can only give good counsel when we are being counsel and taught by the LORD. We must be lead by HIS HOLY SPIRIT. So I'm quite satisfied with leaving to GOD to judge any hidden thing(including the actions of my husband) because HE had many things to say about marital relations in HIS WORD. And, when a spouse strays they not only sinned/betrayed you but first GOD. Know that GOD will take care of it because vengeance is the LORD against all evildoers!
I have no control over what my husband does in our marriage but only what I do (especially when it comes to making it better). I choose to operate in love and forgiveness. I'm going to believe what the LORD said in in HIS WORD. I know if I continue to use the discernment HE has given me, I'll be alright. So if the advice isn't in line with the WORD of GOD and I feel the HOLY SPIRIT leading me in another direction that may be different from what most people done on here, I'm going to follow the HOLY SPIRIT everytime as He is our Helper. And at this moment my sitiuation is rather small compared to what you all are going through. So I'm lead to monitored and pray for those on this site according to the WORD of GOD as I continue to pray for myself.

MrsS, Dr. Harley is a Christian man. I think it is insulting to these good posters who have taken time out of their busy days to advise you (said advice being what you asked for) only to have you fault them for promoting the materials of the owner of this website.

Have you read any of the articles on here? Have you ever considered that Dr. Harley has been led by the Holy Spirit to do this life's working saving the thousands of marriages that he has saved, and continues to save?

Many people of faith hide behind that faith and toss out the occasional piece of religious dogma to shore up their shaky foundation. I suspect this is the case with you. I've met many in my years.

If you are here to learn how to save your M from a Christian man, you are at the right place. If you have eyes and refuse to see, you will not be helped. If you have ears and refuse to hear, you will not be helped. Your decision.

But don't come on here and insult posters who don't know you from Adam and whose only goal is to help you. You should be ashamed of yourself.

Such as?

By all means, if you're going to make a claim like this, please have the decency to back it up.