My husband and I have been married for five years. We have had our share of problems, but I thought our marriage was strong. While we were dating, my H said that he always planned to move when he retired. He said he only came to his present city because of his job. He is from Va and his job is in W Va. So I have always believed that he was open to moving back to Va. when he retired. He may retire next year. I would like to move back to Va. or further south. When I brought up the topic, he said that he was not going to move. He said that location is not important, a place is "what you make it." The topic was not open for discussion. He made a decision that we were going to stay in our present home until we die.

Regarding my post about conflict about retirement plans, I felt very sad and frustrated that he made a decision without my input. When I told him I was depressed that he decided we were to never move, he said he would discuss it with me after I was out of my depression. Then he went to visit his mother, so we have not yet had our discussion. I feel that not only has he made an important decision for us, but he also decides when we discuss his decision. I feel helpless. We did discuss it somewhat, since he said that "if you are unhappy about living here, we will have to find a way to have a place in Va. and we live separately at times." I thought our marriage was strong, yet he seems okay with living apart.

I have the guidelines for successful negotiation, but I am so hurt that he thinks we can live apart. He has been single all his life except the five years with his ex and the five with me. He is 57 years old. Can it be that he does not realize we cannot live separately? I am so confused.

Hi Mechdonna, welcome to Marriage Builders. I'm responding to your post partly because I'm in VA, but also because it's the beginning of the weekend and traffic will be slower until Monday. A few questions and suggestions, if I may...?

First, I might suggest you click the "Notify" button to the lower right and ask the moderators to move your thread to the "Marriage Builders 101" forum. You'll get more replies there than here.

Now, have you had an opportunity to read the articles on this site about building strong marriages? You might start by clicking on the links to the right in the box labeled "Most Popular Links."

Would your husband be willing to come to this site and work with you on building your marriage? That would be a big plus! His words and actions are definitely what we call "love busters," and by your words I can tell they are "draining your love bank." Your marriage is in jeopardy if you don't address these issues immediately!

Your husband is 57 and this is his second marriage. How old are you? Have you been previously married? Do either of you have any children, either together or with other spouses?

My sense is that your H is not used to working in a partnership situation. He is used to independent behavior, which is a definite love buster! The two of you need to become familiar with the Policy of Joint Agreement (POJA), and how a couple work together ON EVERYTHING.

Given that it's the weekend, I strongly urge you to read everything you can on this site. If you can, you might look into buying or ordering one or two of Dr. Harley's (the founder and owner of this site) books (see the bookstore link at the top of the page, or perhaps take a trip to your local library.

Dr. Harley has over 35 years' experience saving and building strong marriages. You couldn't have found a better site at a better time! Please stick around, and if you read, learn, ask and listen, you'll find yourself building a much stronger, loving, romantic marriage!

Again, welcome to Marriage Builders!