My DH had an EA that started in August of 2010(so he says)and connected with the OW via FB. This led to long phone calls, sexting and sending graphic photos. The OW is in another state and this EA has been exposed. He claims he fell out to love with me years ago, sees me as his enemy and doesn't know what he wants. He claims that he is not speaking with her anymore, but in my snooping have found that he is looking at her FB page. I really feel like I am going crazy because I didn't see this coming. We have both done our share of LB's to each other over the years. We have an autistic son that really changed things for us and I have ignored DH emotionally. He says he needs time and isn't leaving. Do I keep snooping to make sure he isn't contacting her still? He has never been this checked out before and has always responded to me when I put depoosits in his LB. Now he recoils from my touch. He also won't have sex or be intimate with me in any way...Thanks for your advice.
Britt-M 11years

Hi gr8csufan, welcome to the Marriage Builders Surviving an Affair forum, the best club that no one wants to belong to!

It's the weekend, so traffic will be slower than normal. You can use this time to get familiar with Dr. Harley's concepts. Start by reading the article in the yellow box outlined in red to the right, labeled Most Popular Links.

Here's the (short) story about your husband: He's become an "addict," except the addiction is to the emotional feelings he gets from contacting the Other Woman (OW). His responses to you are virtually identical to those made by every other wayward spouse (WS) on the planet. Read some of the longer threads on this forum and you'll see what I mean.

There is a plan to recover your marriage here that has been developed by Dr. Harley over 35 years, and is presented and supported by some of the most wonderful and dedicated people you'll ever meet (well, online, anyway).

Read up on Plan A and Plan B and be prepared to do some pretty tough work.

Your husband (H) is going to have to agree to NO CONTACT forever with the OW. He will have to write a letter that YOU approve and send to her. He will have to agree to 100% transparency on all email accounts and activities. Even still, you will need to monitor his activities and actions. It's not uncommon for waywards to set up hidden email accounts, buy spare cell phones, and LIE, LIE, LIE.

This is your starting point, Britt (it IS Britt, isn't it?). Time to start reading!

Thank you for the advice. I have already read up on Dr. Harleys basic concepts etc..Did that before I got the guts up to post. My therapist says I should just work on being the best "me" that I can and to not spy. She said no good will come from it. I feel like he is still so disconnected bc he is finding a way to communicate with her and that I have to shut this thing down. The WS husband knows about it too and I am know he is making things miserable for his wife on his end. My H has been saying that I need to let him pursue me. Is that an excuse to stay disconnected? I really DONT want to keep snooping because it is consuming me but will do it if you all think it could save my marriage. Also, were do I get a summary of all the great abbreviations??

Here is a thread that I started to help guide newly betrayed spouses around this site. Read all you can and ask questions whenever you have them.

You should continue to snoop so you KNOW what you are up against.

Please answer the questions, from the other thread, on here. We could use more info to help you out.

I would start by firing this therapist. She is giving you bad advice. In order to know what your H is doing behind your back, of course you have to spy. In order to stop him you have to know what he is doing.

that is cute and winsome to work on being the best "you" but what about your marriage? The Titanic is sinking, so now is not the time to paint the girls bathroom. The time is to stop the ship from sinking.


Do you have his #? I would call him up and get his help in killing the affair. Expose the affair to everyone. I would also suggest removing his comuter so he can't carry on his affair in your home. That is a boundary that she never be crossed. Make him leave your home to carry on his affair.

When you say you have exposed the affair, to whom was it exposed?

Did you take our advice on the last thread and put a keylogger on his computer?

Oops, ya forgot the link Scotty..

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2479816&page=1

Definitely go with the MB approach!

The therapists only make money by having you both in there and when a couple divorces, suddenly they have two more appointments and then there's more and more therapy for THEM to need to give.

Fwiw, I went to a marriage therapist BEFORE i found MB and I can attest they are not in the marriage saving business at all.

Now go and do what Mel said. Become proactive and read all the articles here. "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley needs to be at the top of your reading list and you need to check out our forum dedicated to snooping here too!

You cannot combat the unknown enemy. Snooping is your right as a spouse, esp if your husband is soon to break your marriage vows. He's like an alcoholic waiting for another shot. A drug addict looking for the next high, except HIS high is the chemical feel he gets from the new fantasy he is involved in. All the new praise, the newness, basically.

Reality paints an affair in a much different light. You need to snoop, do take that one small bit of advice the therapist gave you, be your best self, but combine it with plan A from MB! You are loving, kind, make yourself attractive for him, and refrain from any angry outbursts...all the while you DO snoop, and you get ready and gather all the info you can on the ow and her life.

Who is her H? where does she live? Who are her FB friends? Gather a list up of who you can expose their sleazy fantasy to and at once...EXPOSE it!

Why do affairs die most of the time after a gargantuan exposure? Easy. It shows the world what an affair really is. It is ugly. It is based on lies. It is something that kills marriage and families, breaking hearts of not only spouses but innocent children.

When the rightpressure and exposure is put in force, it's like turning on the lights in a room full of cockroaches. They run from cover and scramble away.

You are in a prime condition for plan A and exposure because it hasn't gone physical yet..but DO snoop and do not be afraid of anything you find.

We're here And MB works!