"Accidental" power outage.

I had to do this once. So I went to the circuit breaker box and just flipped them off for a few seconds - just long enough to cause the computer to power down. (I did this while she was in the shower getting ready to go out with OM - so I had a double-whammy time doing it!).

Voila! Reboot.

Aw, how romantic. Not!

And yes, I did have to reset some clocks. So what?

I would print that out and compare notes with the OMW. Did you have a good look around? And did you print up any and all incriminating evidence?

I already have about 10 incriminating emails stored in a gmail account that she doesn't know about. That should be enough. That and the cell phone and texting records. I have to say the email evidence is enough, but phone records and texting isn't that deep. I really think they had a couple of "accidental" encounters when they were drunk at a few parties and her turning 50 a couple of months ago really set her on her ear. I think that's when she decided to really blow out the affair in the past couple of weeks. It might be too late for her and I, but I'm not going to let her ruin another marriage... I just hope it's not too late for she and I.

Heck no, it is not too late. This is far from over. We have just started!

This is baloney. As a 50+ woman who didn't have an affair to celebrate that little milestone, I don't agree with this 'easy out.' Why do you suppose there are so many adulterers of so many different ages? We've worked with betrayeds whose waywards ranged in age from 25 to 75.

She had an affair because she had poor boundaries and an opportunity.

MB is right, turning 50 had nothing to do with it. She is behaving just like any other cheater, whether they are 20, 30, 40 or 60.

Why would turning 50 be important? Why not 51? 52? Hell's bells, if each year after a half century gave us a "free pass" I'd be looking for my ninth piece of free tail right now!

Do not start making excuses for her. Doing so subconsciously anchors the "excuse pathways" in your psyche, so when she starts with her alibis (note below), you'll find yourself seeing how "reasonable" her arguments are. Instead, focus on what you know is right and proper:

• You two are married, and vowed to remain true to each other.
• There are always better ways to address intra-marital problems than by having an extra-marital fling.

Get, and/or stay angry. Controlled anger is good; it keeps you focused on eliminating the problem. Do not let anger morph into self-pity.

Note: Get yourself that mini-recorder previously mentioned. When she starts with the, "I did this because......." crap, you'll want to retain a record of the inanities that issue from the WW's mouth. But the most vital reason to have it is to protect yourself from the "bogus domestic violence" complaint the WW's are prone to invoke.

A lot has gone on in the last few days....

I blew up the affair. Called the OMW and told her what was going on. Sent her all the emails. Called the OM and told him to stay away. Word got back to my wife and she was furious with me. At first she was going to move out, then decided to move downstairs (where she is now). It's been a rollercoaster around here since. She has been sobbing the last couple of days, blaming me for everything. Our marriage, the affair, money issues, you name while only blaming herself for letting the affair getting to the point it did, but not actually feeling remorse over what she's done to me and kids.

I'm certain the affair is over. OMW told me she put a stop to it, it was more a fantasy on my wife's part. I think my wife is going through a serious midlife crisis right now questioning everything about her life. W said that she is really mad that I exposed, she was 1-2 therapy session away from calling the affair off. Her therapist was threatening to stop counseling her if she didn't and that made her sit up and take notice. I find no contact between them, but she has blocked me from email and phones and such now.

It got to the point that I was going to kick her out of the house yesterday, but backed off. I'm thinking I might want to move on because she doesn't want anything to do with trying to see if the marriage can work at all, after 17 years of being together she says it's over and she would rather leave the kids, the house, the business and the marriage and start all over again because that sounds easier! I'm tired of being mad at her. I've been very indifferent all week and just giving her some space to figure it all out. She says when she finds a job she is moving and that could be as close a 2 weeks away or months, nobody knows...

All I would ask of her is that one final shot with a marriage counselor and a lot of work between us to see if there is anything left, but she refuses. She will talk to me, about what went on, but I think she is getting a little burned out about rehashing the same old stuff.

Reading this website, I know what needs to be done, but you really need a willing participant on the other end. I can't force her to do anything... so now we just work, take care of the kids and kind of stare at each other and sometimes talk about stuff. Yesterday we had a big long discussion about everything but like I said she refuses to even think about working on anything. I know I need to give her more time to think, it's only been six days... I might be pushing too hard...

Any suggestions?

Early day, she is following a script , hang on there , while your wife is going through this phase I suggest you focus on yourself and your children. Have you told your children, they should be told by yourself even if she declines to be present.

Do not move out of the house, if she does she goes alone, you lock all the finances down and ensure she understands she is still accountable for half the bills.

You may feel overwhelmed this is par for the course , stay focused , set the bar for her returning to the marriage , full nc for life, full transparency , commitment to rebuilding the marriage.

Her comments that she was about to end the affair is a load of rubbish, waywards say this they spout the same words.

Yes... I've had others tell me just to back off and focus on work, kids and myself. I will tell the kids...

She has said that if she moves out, it's by herself. Somewhere nearby so she can come visit the kids whenever.

I already have figured out if she moves out we need to have some type of separation agreement, which would include which days she would visit the kids. Money issues and maybe even the possibility of dating.

When we were having our discussion yesterday, she was mad at me for not being a gentleman and pretty much ignoring her these past couple of days. I said you get that from me when you commit to working out the marriage or we are divorced. She said she wouldn't be working on the marriage. So she knows at least one the the key things about coming back into the marriage is a full commitment to working it out. We are both in counseling with our marriage counselor, but going different days. He is a christian, pro marriage counselor and very good.

One of the last emails I got of hers before I blew it up and this is after she told me, told the therapist and both of us told her to stop was her planning a series of dates with the OM like none of what were saying had any impact. Both the OM and my wife told me (separately) that if I had just come to them it would've stopped. But I did go to my wife and ask her to stop in a therapy session and she didn't and that's when I pulled the trigger...

Well done, PD! Way to man up and pound this thing!

Your WW is behaving in true wayward fashion. Listen to nothing that she says. They had no intention of ending the affair 'within a few therapy sessions.' Yeah, right!

Remember:
This is an affair. Affairs happen because of opportunity and a lack of boundaries. This has nothing to do with her age! You need to stop treating this affair like it's some kind of mid-life disease! You are giving this affair the patina of normalcy when you do this!

Do NOT move out of the house. I know you think you've killed the A dead, but she's still got to get through withdrawal and you can't help her with that if you're living somewhere else. Also, it would be very easy for your WW to contact OM and resume this if you're not a presence in the house. AND - why the hell should YOU leave your home and children because YOUR WIFE did something wrong??? Nope. PD, don't even consider this. It is the worst possible thing you could do.

You can't tie her up and keep her from leaving. But you CAN enforce your own boundaries. If she leaves you will need to file for separation and she will need to observe certain times when she can see YOUR children - they won't be leaving with her, and she's not going to treat your home like a way station, swinging in and out to visit the kids and make herself feel better.

You also will not help her financially. No marital funds will be used to set up an apartment, etc. (Be ready to lock down your finances if the discussion comes to this. Waywards have been know to clean out bank accounts.)

It sounds like OMW has neatly neutered her big dog Good for her! See if you can establish a rapport with her in order to stay in contact for the purpose of comparing notes. Tell her you'll be watching on your end and will let her know if her WH tries to contact your W. And ask her to do the same for you.

And ignore that fogbabble!

Good Job PD,
Everything is going well in the exposure and killing the affair, Maritalbliss has some good advice..........don't move out yourself, if she choses to leave her home and family, don't help her, let her live with her own decisions and let her feel the brunt of that............
She is very typical of a wayward in heavy fog..............it takes a while for withdrawal and clear thinking to happen again, be firm and loving at the same time........
Tell your children what is going on.....keep in touch with OMW, watch, keep track and don't take anything she says to heart..............

Purpledragon, you did just great!! Everything is going just great. Just hang on for the bronco ride. This is all going according to plan. You did a great job.


Good for her!


First off, there is no such thing as a mid life crisis. And if there was, your wife would not be in it unless she plans on living to 100? Mid life crisis is in the same category as "soul mates" and Sasqautch. Looks good on paper but never shows up in real life.

And if your wife was "1-2 sessions away from calling off the affair" then she should be happy you saved her some time! And some sessions. What is the problem if she was going to end it anyway? Dat don't make sense she would be mad if that was her true intent!


Now is the time to set her down and tell her how it is going to be. Having no plan is a plan to fail. Set her down and explain to her that you want to have a romantic, loving, SAFE marriage and that you are not willing to settle for less and won�t stay in a loveless marriage. Tell her you are willing to give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness. In order for the marriage to recover, certain things have to happen. This is what it will take to keep you interested:

1. no contact ever again with the OM - agree to send him a no contact letter

2. complete transparency - cell phone passwords, etc

3. no more opposite sex friendships

4. complete honesty about her affair

5. commit to a program of recovery that restores the romantic love in your marriage

Tell her "this is what it will take to keep me in this marriage." Whether your marriage ends up with success or failure will depend almost entirely on her willingness and ability to make radical changes. Her lifestyle must become absolutely transparent, holding nothing back. She is in no position to negotiate when it comes to extraordinary precautions, because those precautions are designed to prevent another affair and help you feel safe. She must also meet your emotional needs in a way that until now he has failed. Unless she makes a 180 degree turn in his approach to what it means to be a wife, your marriage won't recover, it will be a crippled version of your pre-affair marriage.




If you counsel with the Harleys it won't be like this. They don't rehash the past. They very effectively lay out a plan to recreate the love in your marriage. Right now there is next to nothing left in your marriage, but we already know that. The point here is to turn that around. Can you swing the MB online program? Many of us used that and it is very successful. It actually works, unlike other programs.

I gave my wife weak boundaries for years and she took advantage of them. The OMW told me she caught my wife groping the OM at least twice at parties when she was drunk. She has come to realize that she has some serious alcohol problems mainly around binge drinking at parties. I'm pretty sure that's where this affair got started at a party, she was drunk and so was he and things happened. She has really cut back on her alcohol consumption in the last couple of weeks.

She is clearly in the FOG right now. She says as soon as she finds a job and can support herself, she is out of here. But the money she gets will be used to support all four of us and that includes insurance!?!?! Huh? (I am self employed and she works for our company too) She is sullen and snappy. The slightest thing is setting her off, but she is holding it together and not completely blowing up but I can see the body language. I am being nice and being there for the kids and if she wants to talk about stuff I am there for her. But I am going to really start to do my own thing it will drive me nuts if I don't get out of this house and do something.

She just came over to me and told me that there was a party to go to tonight and she was glad that the OMW won't be there so she doesn't have to confront her yet, but will someday because it was all MY fault that this happened! Give me a break!

PD, she sounds like she is an alcoholic. Is she? A 50 yr old woman who gets drunk and allows men to paw her at parties has a serious drinking problem. You may be dealing with an alcoholic.

In that case, I would make it a condition that she stop drinking and get into treatment.

That needs to end, PD. Set her down and have that talk with her. Tell her if this is going to work she has to stop drinking and go to AA. She has a serious drinking problem. Plus she is crazy. For her to threaten the OMW after having an affair with her H is nuts.

Did you tell your kids what is going on? I would tell them. Tell everyone.

I have basically told her this yesterday and she said no way to working on the marriage in any capacity. She is done. Yet she is sticking around until she finds a job and giving me crap for not being nice to her! She said that there is nothing in her heart, she is done, there was never anything there and it's simply too much work to get this marriage on track when there is nothing. I said do you think it's more work than starting a new life, leaving the kids, finding another man, etc, etc? I told her that if she wanted this to work at she need to do what you guys said above... nothing doing though.

Then pack her bags!

Isolate the finances and out the door she goes.

She's still cake eating

Every active wayward living with their betrayed spouse is a cake eater.

Please, click on the carrot/stick link in my sig line.