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What seems to be the best coping mechanism for people here. This forum helps, but what else do people do. I think im going to go out for a while and do some shopping for some computer equipment right now. I used to like to drink everyonce in a while, but i don't even want to do that now. I have started smoking for some nerve calming(which my wife has always been totally against). maybe i should start working out again.
Me 37
WW 37
Married 14 years
4 boys 10,8,6,3
exposure Day 2/18/11
A started 11/2010
Divorced 7/21/2011
Has it been a year already??
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What seems to be the best coping mechanism for people here. I got up early and rode my bike each morning - that helped. And I watched a lot of movies. Streamed far too much on Netflix.
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Lost - I've increased my workout routine and I go jogging (something I hate doing). I found it helps me think and tires me out. I also tend to watch movies, action and lots of gratuitous violence are my favorites, with the occasional thriller or comedy, usually in the evening. I've lost about 20 pounds since this all started. I consider myself broke and I don't like shopping anyway, to that's not an issue. The other thing I did was sign up for a scuba class - that's an aspect of working on myself. I've always wanted to learn. I also want to learn to fly and possibly ride. If I could swing it, I would be playing rugby again every Saturday in the spring. However, DS is more important than that.
BS(me)- 45
WW - 41
D-day 1 - (PA) 01/2011
DS - 6
Exposure: early 02/2011
Started Plan B - 7/11
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Good coping mechanisms: Exercising. Movies, especially *Mystery Science Theater 3000*  Pandora Radio on line (check it out!) Working to earn $$$. Good food. Naps. Kava-kava for anxiety. Talking to supportive friends and family. Reading and posting on MB. Poor coping mechanisms: Booze. Counselors who only facilitate divorce and don't know about MB principles.
Me, BW
WH cheated in corporate workplace for many years. He moved out and filed in summer 2008.
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Exercise, meditation, and anything to take care of yourself. Smoking makes you more tense accually, even though it feels like it relaxes you, it really just confuses you. Quit that ASAP.
Look to your church for a support group also.
Meditation takes practice, but in time you will recognize the thoughts running around your mind that carry emotional weight, or trigger fear, and you will be able to let them go.
This too shall pass Lostman
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Working out is the best therapy I know of. Stay away from booze and narcotics. If you think you need it, go to a doctor and get anti-d's.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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The booze i have stayed away from. The smoking I dont think i will keep up much longer. At least till i see some positive things happening. I think i will try to start working out tomorrow. Ive already lost 10 pounds the first week, what the heck, might as well. Getting out of the house for a while seems to help me the most. I dont have money to burn, but a trip out helps me alot. Work seems to be just as hard as anything, kinda boring where i work.
Things seem to be a little better again tonight. It is so touch and go around here. I have taken her cell phone away except for some time in the evenings while im here to catch up on messaging. No emotion, just polite infront of the kids. She just needs to get over OM and she is trying, but struggling. I let her know it will not ever improve around here until she is ready to let him go and work on us.
Me 37
WW 37
Married 14 years
4 boys 10,8,6,3
exposure Day 2/18/11
A started 11/2010
Divorced 7/21/2011
Has it been a year already??
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Posts: 6,870
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..I let her know it will not ever improve around here until she is ready to let him go and work on us. Good point lostman At one time when I could still run, I would run till I was exhausted and my heart was pounding to realease the anger and tension, then take a shower and fall asleep wiped out. It was humbling on one hand, an endorphin release, and healthy also. If you have a speed bag or a punching bag, that is another way to take out your anger. Its natural to have anger build up inside, but where can you dispell it? Don't turn it inward, stress is a killer. Peace to you lostman.
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Today is just a mess. She was home working all day around the house, but little contact with me. today she went to church with my 2 middle children as my oldest is sick. She said she was doing okay but i knew it was a lie. ww said its taking all she has to not think of om and the truthfully she wands a Divorce and go with him, but she cant leave her kids. This is the first time D was mentioned throught this. She told me shes not going anywhere and she is going to try.
She also started communicating things that have led to this on my part. this was all because of me trying to ger info, not because she volunteered. Part progress here and part kick in the groine.
The counselor is one that is out of town that comes highly recommended from friends of the family that have gone through this. This counselor has also had his wife do the same to him in the past. I dont believe he will be one sided in this situation. Give it a little time for her to get OM out of her head and I think you'll start to see progress. My WW did pretty much the same thing--a lot of what you write reminds me of her withdrawal. Try not to put too much into what she's saying right now. Sure, some of it may be valid, but I'll bet you're still seeing some revisionist history or glossing over those things that were good. Just keep trying to meet her ENs, get that UA time in as well. I know, it's rough, but you've got her back in the house and that's the best thing. Like your wife, we pretty much drug my wife back home kicking and screaming and she flat-out resented me and her family for disrupting her affair. She said she came back only for the kids and was ticked that she didn't have any choice in it at all. Actually, her words were "Y'all treated me like a GD child and it's pis#ed me off!!!" Yeah, doesn't it suck when people screw with your and your kids lives? The irony, at the time, was lost on her for several weeks but is not now. Well she, like your wife, actually did have a choice. They could have filed for divorce but they didn't because, deep down, they knew that it wasn't right. It took about a month for my wife to say that she stayed because of me. Did you see this post by stretch? Thought it was worth reading as he translated WW fogbabble very well, IMHO: Other people I talk to don't understand our BH group. We are working so hard to win back WW's because we love them. I hear all the time: "You are stronger than me. You are a better man than me. I wouldn't hang in there and do this."
Well, those gents haven't been sitting in our position. Also, quite often, its younger rash men that say that sort of thing to me. I have spent the past six months developing a deeper love for her. But I was frustrated that it wasn't getting all the effects. Little did I know she wasn't giving me a chance to deposit love units while she used vast amounts of energy to maintain this lie and betrayal. Now its very clear.
When she thinks: "Its impossible. Its too late." I am pretty sure what she can't see is that she will need to make the 180. SHe will need to admit to her A being a mistake. To the hurt and deceit. To revisit a lot of her revisionist history. To believe in me and my changes and growth. I have demonstrated so much remorse for mistakes and missing her EN's.
But when she says, "It's too late.." She means:
"Its easier to quit and not believe in my H."
"I am afraid to shatter these big walls and these stories and predjudices that I worked so hard to build in order to allow myself to have an A and defend my terrible actions."
"I will have to drop my baggage about what my husband said or did five years ago that I convinced myself justified my affair and that's uncomfortable."
"I will need to talk to my friends and family and be supportive of my husband, and be honest about our growth and that's going to be a switch in my way of talking to my support group."
"It was easy to make H the bad guy and get their support, encouragement and approval for my A. Now I have to be fair and honest with them. And with my personal therapist."
"Now maybe I have to understand my own responsibility for my depression."
"None of this is easy or fun."
"Now I have to believe in H's remorse and guilt for missing my EN's all those years and believe in the new man."
"Now I have to figure out what I did that maybe missed his EN's."
"This is a lot of hard work."
"It was going to be easier to blame you and just quit."
I think that sums up what's so frustrating to the WW. Damn these dedicated, committed BH's for their love and devotion! Why don't they just get angry and play the abusive role like I expected them too?!?! Take care, Lost, you're doing good.
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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Thanks all. I still feel i have a difficult road. she told me she doesn't love me anymore and the i just piss her off. she loves me as the kids father and that's it. im hoping that once the om is gone a while she will come back around. I drug this out of her, she doesn't offer me anything.
Me 37
WW 37
Married 14 years
4 boys 10,8,6,3
exposure Day 2/18/11
A started 11/2010
Divorced 7/21/2011
Has it been a year already??
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lost - hang in there. I know it's tough when you keep hearing all those hateful things - you know, she's not herself right now. Not making any excuses for her, but those are the facts.
BS(me)- 45
WW - 41
D-day 1 - (PA) 01/2011
DS - 6
Exposure: early 02/2011
Started Plan B - 7/11
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Thanks Andy. I still feel as if i'm going to wake up from a nightmare.
Me 37
WW 37
Married 14 years
4 boys 10,8,6,3
exposure Day 2/18/11
A started 11/2010
Divorced 7/21/2011
Has it been a year already??
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Joined: Feb 2011
Posts: 393
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what tips do people have to score points back with the WW while she is still morning for OM? i am just sitting idle trying to figure out what to do. Maybe i just need to stay back for a while and let her mourn longer?
Me 37
WW 37
Married 14 years
4 boys 10,8,6,3
exposure Day 2/18/11
A started 11/2010
Divorced 7/21/2011
Has it been a year already??
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
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what tips do people have to score points back with the WW while she is still morning for OM? i am just sitting idle trying to figure out what to do. Maybe i just need to stay back for a while and let her mourn longer? What do you think her top EN's are?
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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right now its om. i think i could say whatever and she wouldnt hear me. its been like that since exposure a week ago.
Last edited by lostman101; 02/28/11 02:05 PM.
Me 37
WW 37
Married 14 years
4 boys 10,8,6,3
exposure Day 2/18/11
A started 11/2010
Divorced 7/21/2011
Has it been a year already??
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Joined: Jul 2010
Posts: 4,653
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Well, what did OM do that was so special?
Going to throw out a guess here...he was easy to talk to w/o distractions (kids, etc.)?
You're right, you're not going to be hitting very many targets right now. If family is important to her, spend time doing things with the kids beyond the normal day-to-day stuff. Take them to the zoo, to get ice cream, etc. with or without your wife. Make a cake with them one evening, a board game, movie at home w/popcorn, anything that she can join in with.
Go on a walk after work, throw the ball around in the yard.
As for the two of you, just try to do something seemingly mundane. Cook supper using some recipe you found, make dessert and have a cup of coffee after the kids are down for the night. Think back to what y'all did before kids...
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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Well the other man flattered her and of course no kids meant no stress. Took her out to dinner, wined and dined i would say. I really don't want to take that approach because now im just filling his shoes and she wont want that. I have always flattered her and i still try to when i can slip it in. i have had several sincere talks and it just gets frustrating when she still shows no or very little remorse. i keep praying for a crack and hopefully in time it will come.
Me 37
WW 37
Married 14 years
4 boys 10,8,6,3
exposure Day 2/18/11
A started 11/2010
Divorced 7/21/2011
Has it been a year already??
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Posts: 12,357
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Well the other man flattered her and of course no kids meant no stress. Took her out to dinner, wined and dined i would say. I really don't want to take that approach because now im just filling his shoes and she wont want that. I have always flattered her and i still try to when i can slip it in. i have had several sincere talks and it just gets frustrating when she still shows no or very little remorse. i keep praying for a crack and hopefully in time it will come. Don't look at it like you're 'filling OM's shoes'. Look at it like you're meeting her needs. Think about meeting her needs. What would you do? If it was the romance of wine and candlelight, do that. Send the kids to overnight at their grandparents and set up a romantic dinner - flowers on the table, wine chilling in a bucket and some yummy food (if you're not a cook, order out and then set it up on the table on your good dishes.) That kind of thing.
D-Day 2-10-2009
Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever!
Thank you Marriage Builders!
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Well the other man flattered her and of course no kids meant no stress. Took her out to dinner, wined and dined i would say. I really don't want to take that approach because now im just filling his shoes and she wont want that. I have always flattered her and i still try to when i can slip it in. i have had several sincere talks and it just gets frustrating when she still shows no or very little remorse. i keep praying for a crack and hopefully in time it will come. Guess I should have clarified...I meant for you to look at what attracted her to him, as those must have been indicators of what EN's she wasn't getting from you. If you haven't already figured those things out, that is. Does that make any sense?
Me (BH)
FWW
Married 2000, DS 8, DD 6, DD 2
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Yes, i just don't think shes ready to turn her attention back on me. I have given some heart warming cards and flattery, tried to help her with things shes wanted to do around the house, ive offered to take her out, but she doesn't want to. i may give it a shot in the next few nights and see if i can get her out with me alone and see what happens. I just gave her a whole gob of roses for valentines and barely got a thanks.
Me 37
WW 37
Married 14 years
4 boys 10,8,6,3
exposure Day 2/18/11
A started 11/2010
Divorced 7/21/2011
Has it been a year already??
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