Everything I've read says the first rule of rebuilding a marriage after an affair is that he should have no contact with the non-spouse.

My husband had an emotional affair with one of his students (she's our age, it wasn't exploitative in my view). She has moved away, but he has professional responsibilities to continue to supervise her until she graduates in about 4 months' time. If he doesn't it will have major consequences for her career and she's likely to make an issue of it with the university who in turn will cause major consequences for him (though not sacking, it will make it very difficult to continue to work in his specialist field).

I don't want him to have to leave his profession, he's spent 15 years working to get there and I've made considerable sacrifices to enable him to do so.

But how can I grit my teeth for many months when he has to be in contact (albeit only by email and perhaps 1-2 phone calls)? He says he is happy to copy me in on all communication but of course that's no guarantee.

Then there is the fact that in a small professional specialty there will be conferences over the years where inevitably they'll both be going. I know just about all my husband's colleagues in the world in his field, that's how small it is. How will I cope if he has to go to conferences 3-4 times a year where I know she will be there?

I know the advice is universal - no contact, ever. I desperately want my marriage to work (again). How can we make that happen given our constraints? I was thinking of saying if he gave up the conferences for this year we could reassess next year?

Sorry you are here.

has this affair been exposed at all?

By what I see in your post, it seems it most likely has not.

Any of the things that happen to your WH are because of your WH's actions and they are consequences of his affair.

You have obviously read enough on here to know that we are going to tell you that YOUR WH CAN NOT HAVE CONTACT WITH OW FOR LIFE.

Are you willing to allow this affair to continue? That is what will happen. And this affair may outlast your M if it is allowed to continue without consequences. Are you prepared for that?

My DH is just finishing his PhD...and he has had a couple of committee member changes. Your DH CAN request not to be involved with her degree, and that is what he should do, even if he feels "embarrassed." I know this sounds harsh, but he cannot attend conferences where she will be. What he is experiencing are consequences of actions he chose.

For the record, I was the WS in our situation. Yes, there were consequences. There were some people in my field and school who lost respect for me. But it was part and parcel of what I chose. I know this sounds harsh, but it will not be good for either of you for this to continue. I am not a stickler on everything....but no contact really can't be optional.

I am so sorry you are going through this. I would suggest that he schedule a meeting with his supervisor/dept head/dean or however the channels work for him and just tell them that though it was not physical, his relationship with this woman crossed professional lines and that in the interest of objectivity for HER education he feels he should remove himself. If he knows someone in his dept that has good credentials as a suggestion for a replacement, that would let his superiors know he has done his "homework." He could approach it from the standpoint of not wanting to give any appearance of bias in case there are decisions to be made.....in other words, if he can approach it from the angle of wanting to protect the university, they might be more amenable.

There IS real recovery; we have recovered. But when you do the crime you have to do the time, so to speak. And doing whatever he has to to ensure no contact is part of that. his job is to protect you and your M...jobs come and go, but a spouse is one flesh.

Sorry, Goomeri, but nobody here has a crystal ball.

We can't tell you whether your H's contact with the OW in three months or three years will reignite their affair.

Chances are high that any contact will trigger their inappropriate feelings. Chances are high that any contact will trigger a flood of negative emotions on your end, leading to renewed conflict between you and your H.

If you think your H's profession is worth that risk, that is your choice.

If you decide that your H's job is more important than your marriage, that is your choice.

So your husband's career comes before your marriage and you are asking us how to avoid the obvious consequences of that choice? You are only willing to put your marriage first as long as it does not involve inconvenience?

We are not magicians.

There is nothing we can tell you to do if you refuse to put your marriage first over his career. Apparently his career takes precedence over your marriage so you will have to suffer the consequences of that bad choice.


Lots of alcohol and narcotics.


Copying you misses the point entirely. The damage comes from contact.

The point of copying is to show it is merely professional. I've seen their professional emails, they are pretty cold.

As for not putting my marriage first I think that's harsh. What kind of wife would I be if I demanded that he give up 15 years of specialisation and go and be a gas-fitter or plumber or high school teacher instead? He would be so depressed by that I don't think he'd survive or that our marriage would.

It is unfortunate that it isn't just a case of move away and never see her again. If he was in an ordinary job (Dr, lawyer, plumber, engineer) that would work.

Let's just say he was the Nobel Laureate in a particular field. You're asking me to request he gives up that field? That's not as far fetched as you might think.

Appreciate that its tough and I'm not asking to hear what I want to hear. But I can't imagine I'm the first in this situation. Great that for all of you moving away and resigning from student committees was ok. It won't work here (though resigning from her committee is still under discussion).

I thought I'd get something a little more constructive.

Ok, the problem is not the affair, but that you don't understand what you are dealing with and as such, don't take recovery seriously. Your marriage will never recover until all contact ends. There is no career that comes before a marriage. We have had doctors and scientists change their careers entirely to save your marriage. Your H's career is not that special, and certainly not special enough to destroy a marriage over. It it is, then you have a serious problem.

The truth is this: every time your H sees or speaks or communicates with the OW he will be put back to Day 1 of recovery. And so will you. He will be perpetually triggered, preventing the recovery of your marriage. You are facing an on again, off again affair until you probably end up divorced.


How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

Again, it misses the point. Any contact triggers both their feelings. Can an alcoholic sober up if he changes the names of his drinks to "professional drinks?" That is what you are expecting here.


Putting a career before a marriage is a harsh thing to do.


A wife that puts her marriage first and wants to stay married, that is who. Your marriage won't survive this affair, but you don't seem to comprehend this.


What is far fetched is placing his little career over your marriage. But it is your marriage to lose, not ours.


Actually it would work. What won't work is your marriage if you protect his career at the expense of your marriage.


Reality is very constructive. Unrealistic expectations are not.

We already live in ANOTHER COUNTRY to the OW. She moved within days of my discovering the emotional affair, she was always planning to go then to patch up her own marriage.

But the fact remains that given the level they work at in their very narrow field in a small profession, its literally not possible to do what they're trained to do and never see each other ever. Never alone is possible. But not never see.

Drs and lawyers can move away and have little reason to see old colleagues or patients or staff. They are BIG professions. This is not. It is more like saying if George W Bush had an affair with Maggie Thatcher could he avoid seeing her ever? I doubt it. Not without waiting until the end of his term.

Even George Bush could leave his term as president. He is not an endentured servant and neither is your husband.

But you don't have to justify the fact that you place his career over your marriage. That is your right and prerogative! You don't need our permission to do that. Truly..

Welcome to MB, Goomeri. I am sorry to hear about this affair.

If you argue that NC is not possible, then it is pointless our continuing to advise you that it must be ensured.

Nobody can guarantee the outcome of the contact you describe, but the re-ignition of the affair is a risk in that situation.

Is there something else you'd like us to tell you, other than what our own and Dr Harley's experiences have shown?

Goomeri,

NC is always possible, even if it means your H giving up his highly specialised field and never practicing again.

I don't understand why you are arguing with people here. If you and your H are not willing to take the steps that would make NC happen, then by all means do as you wish! Why come here and argue?

Well this sounds like GOOD NEWS. Would these major consequences to her career mean that she would not be working in the same profession as your husband any longer? I sure hope so. Goomeri, I understand that consequences for our bad choices are not fun, but they ARE part of life. The OW and your husband chose their actions, now they must deal with the fallout. Personal responsibility.



Would someone watching an alcoholic drink make the drinking less harmful or somehow okay?

That is what you are talking about here. Affairs are like addictions, and must treated that way. No contact for life is not optional, if you want your marriage to survive and thrive.


Have you told the OWH of her affair with your husband?

Mrs. W

Welcome to MB. Sorry you have to be here, and sorry we cannot tell you what you want to hear.

The truth is, your husband is now getting hit the consequences of his decision to cheat in your marriage. And you are both learning that cheating affects everyone in the family to a very serious degree - it's never something that the cheater can just wall off and keep just for himself, even though they always think they can.

He doesn't like the consequences of his decision to have an affair, and neither do you. Join the club. But you can never go back to before. Things are going to change drastically one way or the other.

You have two choices:

You can do nothing and hope it can simply works out. But as we often say around here, hope is not a plan. If your husband continues in this same work situation, he will no doubt be quite happy and relieved - but you will die the death of a thousand cuts every time he walks out the door and for every moment that he's gone. You will be eaten alive wondering if she's there too and he's just not telling you. You marriage will not survive this.

Or, your husband can take his medicine like a big boy. He can take whatever steps are necessary to make amends, he can clean up his own mess, and he can find a way to allow both of you to live in peace.

Allowing you to be tormented to death (and you will be) while he gets to have his old life back with no consequences is not the way to handle this. You will not be able to live with that kind of pain and YOU will be the one filing for divorce in a effort to stop your suffering.

Please consider this. We are speaking from experience here.

I'm actually not arguing. I'm just kind of incredulous. In all the human history of affairs I don't believe there haven't been a fair number where NC was not possible. I also truly believe that if I force my husband to be a high school science teacher I might as well leave him anyway, it would destroy him. It would be like cutting both his legs off except he would cope with that much better.

No, the career damage to her wouldn't mean she was no longer in the profession. It would mean she got a job way beneath her expectations based on her results and make her angry enough to try to inflict professional damage on him I suspect. She would still be going to conferences. Just from a dead end job in whereverville comparatively.

I have no idea if her husband knows. Then again he literally told her he was leaving her to look for an affair and came back a year later and she calls herself a single mom despite living with him so I hardly think she knows what a marriage is.

I hear you. I am just surprised at the lack of insight. I will speak again to our marriage counselor who at no point suggested he had to commit career suicide to save our marriage. In fact tearing another part of our lives apart in addition seemed to her to be a recipe for further trouble. I had hoped to get some nuanced response and personal experience stories here. Seems not. Sorry you found that argumentative.

Uh oh. Marriage counselor. The death kiss to many troubled marriages.

Well. Either you study and follow marriage builders plans and guidelines and have a shot of a true marriage or you follow the common road to nothing gained.

Please read all the concepts. Get the book Surviving An Affair. See if you H loves you enough to recover the marriage and rebuild a new life or the alternative.

I would suggest you probably don't have a very qualified marriage counselor that has any understanding of adultery. Most don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage and if yours did not tell you that recovery is impossible this way, she falls into that category. Marriage counselors actually have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population and cause more harm than good.

You want some personal experience stories? There are no successful marriages where the affair partners stayed in contact. Sorry. That is a pipe dream. I have been here 10 years and can't point to one. But I can point to numerous affairs that turned into 3, 5, 8, 10 and 20 year affairs because they ignored this step. I can point to numerous marriages that ended in divorce when the affair didn't end. You are signing on for the long, slow death of a thousand cuts.

You think you will end up divorced if you ask your H to leave his job? You will end up divorced if you don't. He can find another career; your marriage can't survive the damage of a continuing affair.

Your argument is not with us, it is with the truth. You are asking us how to play chicken without getting hit and getting mad when we tell you the truth, that yes, you are likely to get hit, just as you did before. The solution is to get out of the road. Insisting you can't get out of the road does not lessen your risk of getting hit by a car, though.

You are asking us how to recover your marriage after an affair while the affairees are still in contact. It can't be done. Dr Harley, who has specialized in saving marriages from infidelity for 40 years says it can't be done. I have been here for 10 years and have never seen anyone save their marriage while the affairees were still in contact.

Goomeri,

This is all voluntary. You do not have to listen to us, but I guarantee that you will be sorry if you don't. We aren't telling you this because we get some perverse pleasure out of telling you "No, you can't have what you want". We are telling you because we've walked this road. We have seen over and over what works and what does not. The collective we are made up of both BSs and FWSs. Note that we are all telling you the same thing.

If your marriage counselor tells you otherwise, get a new one, ASAP. REALLY.

Mrs. W

And Goomeri, when do you plan on telling the OWH of his wife's affair with your husband? It has to be done. You would want to be told, yes?

Mrs. W

Hello Goomeri,

You mentioned that you would like to hear a personal story from someone that used marriage builders particularly the steps of exposure and no contact for life. I think that my situation fits and mine was at a cost far exceeding any career sacrifice.

Marriage Builders saved my marriage and it can yours too...
but only if you DO the marriage builders steps including EXPOSURE and NO CONTACT.

My story is in my signature line. If you get time you might want to read it.

God bless.

Jim