I am hoping someone can help offer me some advice. I will try to make this as short as I can. I am struggling to find what the best solution is for my family. My husband and I have been together for 13 years. We have 3 very young children. My husband and I have had many conflicts over him viewing pornography. Over the last 13 years he would lie to me about it, say it wasnt him etc. Then he sometimes would admit to it and that he was sorry and it wouldnt happen again.Together we went to counseling. He would then just find a new way of hiding it and so it continued from time to time. When I was pregnant with our last child I saw on our bank statement a charge for internet dating sites. I found emails of him emailing other women. When confronted he said he was just talking to them because it was fun and wouldnt do it again... About a month later he made more profiles on dating sites talking to women again... I found out he said sorry, it wont happen again.. We started counseling again after that, then about 6 months later I found more profiles of him talking with other women... We went through the same cycle again..... That was 3 years ago and I have not had any reason to think he was on those sights again. However, I have seen from time to time he looked at porn, pictures of half naked women on the internet etc. I have told him numerous times how hurtful this is to me, it makes me feel worthless and not enough for him. I have given him ultimatums numerous times, only for him to do these things again. He always just thinks I wont find out. I have tried everything, church, praying, books, counseling... etc.... What else can I do? I had heart failure 6 years ago and cannot take this stress. I love my husband and my family. I want my marriage and family together. I also want our marriage to be respected and cherished. He is our sole provider, I stay at home to raise our children and have noone to turn to. I dont want to hurt my children and struggle but at the same time what do I do if he doesnt seem to value me or our marriage? 13 years of this, it is emotionally draining to me and heartbreaking everytime we go through this. Everything I have tried doesnt work and he never has any consequences for any of this. He always tries to turn it around on me when I am upset about it with a "get over it attitude" If I try talking about it with him he usually gets mad, screams at me and wakes the kids up. So now I just try to keep my mouth shut so my children dont have to listen to him yelling. He just thinks he said sorry and that should be the end of it.

Two days ago I saw that he was looking at the single personal ads on the internet... I confronted him, he said sorry, wont happen again etc. He says there is nothing else to talk about now.... I guess there isnt anything I could say to him that I havent said a million times....My counselor says that I should set boundaries with clear understanding of what the consequences are when they are broken and follow through... I told him if he did these things again that he would lose me, I have said that each time....I am so confused. I just dont know what step to take now. Could someone please help me? Do you stay for the kids and hope he will change? Or realize after 13 years he wont?
He has very little to say to me about this now. If he doesnt want to talk about something he just won't.
He hasn't spoken to me for 3 days, he always seems to turn this around on me somehow. My patience is running out.

Wow, I feel like I could have written this. I've been going through the same thing with my husband. Only we have been married for 10 years and have 1 young child. Tonight I told him he had to leave but then dissolved into tears and panic and he didnt. Now I'm getting the silent treatment. I'm so sick of this. I HATE porn, it ruined my marriage. Nothing was good enough for him after it consumed him. I don't know what kind of steps you should take now. I'm just heartbroken and sick of it. I've no more patience either but really don't have any energy left to deal with it. I too want my family together and I want our marriage to work but I guess it's just one sided. Hang in there. i wish I had more words of wisdom, just wanted you to tell you I know what you are going thru and its awful.

kales, welcome to MB. It sounds to me like you are dealing with a sex addict. Have you looked into this? You can check a site called Recovery Nation for more information.

Addicts care about nothing and nobody except their drug. Words, threats and pleas mean zero to them, as you have seen. And MB principles - indeed, no counseling of any kind - has the slightest effect on an addict. If that's what he is, his addiction would have to be dealt with first.

Seren73.... Thanks for your response. I'm sorry you are going through this also. It is very emotionally draining. It's like they try to manipulate the situation by giving us the silent treatment to have the upper hand. Broken promises time and time again....

Mulan... I will definelty check out the site you mentioned. He has went to counseling twice for this, I guess because he doesn't view this type of stuff daily or spend money they have said he is not an addict... He is either an addict in my eyes or just very selfish for continuing this. He always says the same thing.. "I was just curious, no other intensions."... Ugghhhh

Kales,


You identified the problem yourself. There are no consequences for your H's behavior. So, he continues. Set yourself up to deliver consequences that you have threatened. My advice would be:

1) Obtain a job or career where you can support yourself and children, if needed.
2) Install a keylogger on the computer so you can identify the extent of your H's behavior as well as frequency. Track his phone conversations to ensure that your H's behavior has not escalated to something more.
3) Never deliver a threat that you are not prepared to actually implement (this applies when dealing with the kids too).
4) Build romantic love between you and your H using the MB program. If your H is madly in love with you, he will not miss the porn.

My H used to view porn; a few years later had a drunken one-night-stand and then a few years after that had a 7 month full blown affair. We have been working the MB program to the letter for the past year. He has not looked at any porn for more than a year and he says he does not miss it.

AM

Hello:

I agree with Mulan. It sounds like your husband maybe dealing with a sex addiction. My situation is very similiar to yours. Is your husband seeing a counselor certified in sex addiction therapy? This is very important. My husband and I started with a traditional counselor to deal with our marriage and the potential of a sex addiction. And it was a nightmare because the therapist did not know anything about sex addiction.

Also, establishing boundaries with consequences that you can follow through with is important like Armymamma said.

Armymamma, how have you and your H been able to include the MB program in while dealing with the sex addiction. And at what point did you start? This is what I want to do but I don't know how to incorporate the MB principles in while my husband is in counseling for his sex addiction?

All the best to you all!

I have similar issues. I feel so sorry for you.
My H has looked at porn/been caught "looking at" online dating profiles-- tho I never had any eveidence that he chatted with anyone.

when he is caught (usually and only red handed) there are excuses, "I will not do this again", It's not porno, it is a nudist colony!"
-- ...yeah I have heard it all. very sad. I do not think it will ever get better because he says "he is sorry and it is over".
and then refuses to talk about it again.

I am really hoping you can find a solution to this. I have tried everything.. just trusting/ demands/threats/boundaries. Nothing has worked so far. He has became really religious, I thought THIS was going to help. Then I caught him looking at a Catholic dating site. (I guess he needs himself a good christian woman!)

and he never thinks he is going to be caught.
Then thinks there should be no consequences/discussion
(because he said he was "sorry")

kales, Seren73, and others.

It's been said that addiction has three phases:

• Fun
• Fun, but with consequences
• Consequences

No addict is going to seek recovery from their addiction until the consequences become harsh enough to outweigh any semblance of fun.

Some addicts never get to "the bottom."

If you can't help the addict hit bottom, don't help him by enabling his addictive behavior.

The others are right: To an addict, the addiction comes first. Before family, career, health, God.

Before any other help can be rendered, the addiction must be treated.

Registest,

I do not believe my husband had an addiction to viewing porn. He usually looked at porn when I was away on work travel or he had other "free time" and nothing better to do to keep him out of trouble. H did recognize it as a precursor to having an affair and agreed he would no longer look at porn.

The MB program is currently working very well for us both. However, we wasted many months with neither of us not fully on board, H continuing to be dishonest, me having angry outbursts about his dishonesty. It was a viscious cycle. We now work the program fully, with as little deviation as humanly possible. We figure Dr. Harley has way more experience about what he is recommending and why.

AM

Thanks so much for all your replies. My husband is still not speaking to me. He probably would talk to me about anything other than the issue. But, until he feels I am "over it" and not going to bring it up to him he will avoid me like the plague. He refuses to discuss it....
barbiecat, your post sounded all too familiar to me. I am dealing with the same exact things in my situation. It is so frustrating and draining. It is hard not to build resentment towards him when I am being treated this way. But, in his eyes, it's all my fault, he said he is sorry and it won't happen again for the 500th time... However he takes no actions or steps to correct anything. He tells me what he thinks I want to hear but then refuses to do anything. and once again, I am the one up losing sleep over it, he acts like he could care less..