Hi Everyone,
I have been doing so much research and have even bought 2 e-books to give me ideas on how to get my husbands love back, but I am still very confused and really do not know what to do.
For the last few months my husband had been acting pretty distant...I finally came out and asked him if he wanted a divorce, to my surprise, he said yes and went to bed...but he did act pretty upset. I was in shock and decided to write him an e-mail telling him that I did not want a divorce and that I really believed that we could work out our differences. He replied to the e-mail and told me that he would be willing to try and work it out for our children's sake (7 and 3)...after talking in text messages and e-mail the rest of the day, he came home and we both felt pretty ackward and neither one of us really made a move to head in the right direction.
After this went on for a few days, I decided that something else was going on and decided to check our phone records...to my surprise there were calls to and from one number and also a lot of texts...pretty much they were in contact from the time he left for work until he went to bed...even talking to her while we were all at home together or on family outings. I called the number and got her voice mail....I knew then that he was having an affair.
I confronted him and he completely denied it and said that he was talking to her so much because she was also having marital problems and they were giving eachother ideas on how to improve their marriages...I'm not sure why, but I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt, even though deep down I knew there was more going on.
Things weren't going anywhere at home, so I decided to take the kids and go to my mom's house, which is about a 2 minute drive from our house. We talked during this time and decided to work things out...I came home a few days later and still nothing really changed. He told me that he was empty and did not feel an emotional connection to me at all, even thogh he still cared about me and worried about me. I decided to leave again, with my children....even though I didn't want to, I just didn't see another way if he really did not want to be married anymore.
The whole time I was gone I was texting him non stop and pretty much begging him to give me another chance and it was getting nowhere...I knew something else was going on. I finally got him to admit to me that he was having an affair with his ex girlfriend, who he was friends with on facebook...since I found out about the phone calls and text messages that was the only way that they were communicating. He told me that he felt extremely guilty and that is why he said he wanted out of the marriage...he couldn't look at me and felt like he deserved to be alone and did not want to hurt me anymore.
At that moment, I decided that I wanted our marriage to survive and I thought he did too. He told me that he broke off the affair and he told her that he was dedicated to his wife. I decided to move back home and it was great for 2 days. Then he started acting distant again and telling me he is not sure if we will make it. He doesn't think that we can recover after eveything that has gone on.
We had problems in our marriage. I am terrible with money and I am really trying to get better. I lost my job 2 months ago, I got laid off and I can't find another one...which he resents me for. I do however do all of the house work and take very good care of my children...he doesn't have to lift a finger when he gets home, but it's just not good enough for him....he wants me to find a job and contribute to the family...I know we need the money, but it's very hard to find a job where I live...especially having to work around our children and making sure that there will always be someone available to watch them. I am getting unemployment, so it's not like I am not contributing anything and I am looking for a job 24-7.
I have also threatened to leave him a lot in the past....which I never really wanted to, but I felt that was my only power, since that was the only time he really acted like he cared about our marriage. I also let myself go after I had my kids...I gained weight and stopped taking care of my appearance...which I am working on changing. I have lost some weight and I have been wearing make up and doing my hair everyday. I am not only doing this for him, but for myself...I don't want to be like that anymore.
My husband says that he had an affair because he felt unwanted and unappriciated at home. I understand what he is saying, but I also believe that he didn't do anything to improve our marriage before cheating. He also says he can't be 100% commited to making our marriage work because he doesn't think it can be saved, but he is trying. He says he thinks he's going to come home one day and I am just going to tell him to leave. I am not going to do that, but I am not sure if he is wanting me to do that.
I kept trying to get him to talk about what he was feeling and he would get more aggrivated and tell me he didn't know...but he did not want to be forced to talk about it.
2 days ago I decided to not bring up our relationship and try to act as normal as possible. We played a board game with the kids and then he went and got a movie that we had both been wanting to see and we watched it after the kids went to bed. Yesterday we had small talk here and there and then he announced that he's going out to dinner and asked if we wanted to go...so we went out to dinner as a family, but there were a lot of ackward silences. When we got home we got the kids to bed and watched another movie together...We have had sex a few times, I feel pathetic for doing this since he was with somebody else, but I also feel like I need that connection with him.
I just don't know what is going on inside his head. I think he's depressed over the money and he doesn't really handle stress all that well as it is. He has had depression in the past, but says that he feels nothing like he did before and does not want to talk to anyone about it...he thinks he's just unhappy being married...but he did not have this attitude before the affair.
I just don't know what to do. I don't want a divorce, but I don't want to keep living like this either. We have 2 kids and I beleive that marriage is forever and you should do whatever it takes to make it work...unless there is abuse involved, which there isn't at all. I am full of emotions about his cheating and I don't feel like I can really express them without pulling him further away....even though I believe that he should be the one reassuring me right now, but it's not happeneing. He is just more distant and I don't know how to break the wall down that he has up. I don't know if he is just so full of guilt and can't get past it or what is going on?
I am sorry that this was so long, but once I started typing...I just couldn't stop! Thanks in advance for any help anyone can give me. Also, I do love him and want this marriage to work...just not sure how to do it, since I am the only one trying...it seems.

sclearly,

I'm sorry to hear that you're having these problems, but you've come to the right place. There are a lot of us here that are, unwillingly, in the same club.

If you haven't done so already, start by reading some of the Articles/Q&A questions. Here's one:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8001_affair.html

How recent are these discussions where he is saying that he is
ending the affair?

What he's saying is very normal, I've heard it before and you'll see others whose spouses have said the same thing.

Expose the affair to his family/friends and her family/friends. Do they work together? If so, one will have to leave the job since (as you've seen) if there is continued contact you will not get anywhere. This is just a fact, and exposing the affair is the best way to get them apart.

Yes, your husband will flip out when you expose--say things like "I was going to work on it, but not now!" and so on. But once no contact (NC) is in place, he'll go through a withdrawal phase and the fog will eventually lift.

If they work together, send an exposure letter to their workplace. I've copied a sample letter at the end of this post.

If they are both on facebook, there's also a method for exposing to their facebook friends.

You should start snooping to verify the extent of this affair and to see whether or not they are still in contact. Put a keylogger on his computer (www.eblaster.com is a very good one) and there is plenty of cell-phone spyware that logs text messages and phone calls. Many have used a voice-activated recorder (VAR) placed in a car to record conversations.

So, first step, gather your intel (proof of the affair) and tell his friends/family about it. Tell her (OW's) friends/family about it. Confront OW and tell her that she is going to leave your husband the hell alone. Ask them to directly intervene with him to stop the affair. Tell them that you want to save your marriage and that their influence will ensure that this is done.

So hang in there, ask plenty of questions. There are a ton of people here that can offer advice and get you through this. But you've GOT to get the affair out into the open. Affairs thrive on secrecy and stand little chance once family/friends start getting on their cases about what they are doing. Once this affair is over, and once he gets through the fog/withdrawal, THEN you two can start addressing the issues that got you here in the first place.

Don't expect any honesty from your husband about this affair at this point. He's just too fogged to form a rational thought or to empathize very well.

-------------------------
Workplace exposure letter

To Whom It May Concern:

This letter is to bring a matter to your attention that may be a violation of your Company's Code of Conduct and/or other policies, procedures and business ethics.

WS and WS are involved in an extramarital affair that is taking place, primarily, in the workplace. Aside from the potential sexual harassment claims this situation presents, it also involves the inappropriate use of company resources and assets. WS and WS are using company time and company resources to further their affair. If you check the call histories on their office and cell phones along with their workstation computers, you will find the two of them are spending an inordinate amount of what should be productive work time to further their sexual relationship.

If you have any questions, please call me at xxx-xxxx. Otherwise, I will anticipate a response from you once you have investigated these concerns and taken appropriate corrective action.

Regards,

BS
-----------------------------

Thank you so much for your quick reply.
They do not work together. It is his ex girlfriend...they were friends on fb and just started talking one day and it got out of hand. She is also married, but she has no children.
I did write her a message on fb after I found out and told her that I knew about the affair and I would tell her husband if I find out they are still in contact. My husband blocked her from his facebook and he swears to me that he has not had any communication with her...since last Monday when he told her it was over. I found out about the affair on Sunday.
I really do not want to involve his family or friends...I honestly think that would make the problem worse and I really do not want anyone else to know. I have told my mom and my best friend...I needed someone to confide in. My husband knows that I told my friend, but not my mom.
He told me when I first found out that he wanted to be a good husband and he wants to change...but then a few days later, we are back to where we started....I just don't know what's real or true.
My husband and the OW talked 24-7 before, texts and phone calls...he even told me that they were using the L word with each other and that she said she would be a good step mom to our children...that's what hurts the most I think...the emotional connection they had.
He says he doesn't miss her, but his actions are different...so maybe he is going thru withdraws...I don't know. I am just so lost and confused and I want to keep my family together and make my husband love me again. I also want to be able to trust him again and fall back in love with him...at the moment, I still love him, but hate him at the same time for what he is putting me thru and for what he has done. I feel like I can't even begin to heal from the affair with all of the other things he is putting on me...it's a lot of pressure.
I also don't want us to separate again, because it's not good for my kids and the only place he would be able to go would be to his parent's house, which is about 100 miles away...which means it would be even more difficult to fix things. This is also the place that the OW lives...so I would not be ok with him going there at all.
Thanks again!

Exposing an affair is the way to end it. If you won't do this you are in for a very big nightmare.

My husband's affair ended the DAY I exposed. You cannot get into recovery without ending the Affair. His word is NOT good enough, he will lie about it because he CAN.

Please...expose this affair. I've yet to see one marriage truly recover where exposure was not a big part of getting into recovery.

It's not as bad as you think. When you expose, you simply ask friends and family members for help in putting pressure on your H and the OW to end the affair. You are just asking for their help and support which you desperately need.

Have you let the OWH know about the A??

Have you installed a keylogger? You will also want to install a VAR in your H's car because he may get/have gotten an affair phone if he knows you are looking at his phone records.

scleary, your WH is still up to his eyeballs in this affair and needs your help to get out of it.

First - stop leaving with your children. You stay put.

You need to get used to the idea of exposure, because that's your best tool for ending the A. NEVER THREATEN EXPOSURE. IT DRIVES THE ADULTERERS UNDERGROUND. As you have seen. When you threatened to tell OW's H, she and your WH devised a scheme to get you to back off. They are still in contact - he's just un-blocking her on FB whenever he wants to contact her.

No more talk to either of them about exposure. And don't trickle-expose. Don't tell one person here, then another one a few days later, etc. Exposure needs to be done in one fell swoop in order to be effective.

I would suggest you download a keylogger to that computer so you can confirm continued contact.

You'll need her H's contact info for exposure. We can help you get that if you need it.

Don't be afraid to expose! It is counter-intuitive to you, I know. But it is the single most important thing you can do to kill the affair. We'll help you.

Try putting yourself in her husband's shoes. Wouldn't you want to know? You really need to tell him so that he'll know what he's dealing with and can aid in keeping your husband away from his wife.

Please tell him. He's being made a fool of and it's a disservice to him to keep his wife's secret for her.


Ok, so this is all very recent. Odds are very high that he'll try to make contact again. My wife did it, and hundreds of others on here went through the same "false recovery."

This is all the more reason to be watching what he does on his phone and computer. The keylogger is easy to install and sends you emails with reports of activity.

Please do this to protect yourself!


Look at it this way. By NOT telling everyone about it, who are you protecting. Him and his lover? Why keep his secret for him?

He doesn't WANT you to tell because he knows that it was wrong. But everyone should be mature enough to accept the consequences of their actions.

In addition, by keeping his secret, there will be no one watching him to hold him accountable. I know it's hard to do, but exposing my wife's affair was the BEST thing I ever did. It shined a light on the affair and ended it.


You're back where you started because he's either (1) resumed contact with OW or (2) is going through withdrawal. My money is on #1. Sorry, but we've seen it so many times. The wayward promises that it's over, but slips.


Yes, he misses her. And what do people do when they miss someone? They contact them. Get that keylogger and recorder for his phone.


We know your pain and what you're feeling. It sounds as though you really want to trust him to end the affair. I know that you want to believe in him to do the right thing, but he's just not thinking all that clearly these days. If he was, he wouldn't have cheated on you.

I urge you to take the lead on this. Please expose this affair, take control of your life.

Post if you have any questions. So many of us have been EXACTLY where you are and it's cathartic to hear the stories of others.

Take care.

Or has another facebook page that you don't know about. A keylogger will tell you that.

And ditto on what someone else said about a secret cell phone. Start looking for that.

I will tell you what's going on. The affair isn't over. My H only acted like this when there had been recent contact. Your H has just gotten better at hiding it from you. Are you ready to put together a plan to bust the A up?

You've come to the right place to learn how to bust up your husband's affair.

The MB plan is a narrow path with specific rules to follow, which is very important to remember because deviations from the plan prohibit a successful recovery (take it from many here who've tried to do their our own way with bad results).

Here are the preliminary steps:

- Investigate (snoop/spy) to gather more information about the affair. Read tips and strategies here: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=postlist&Board=71&page=1

- Understand that almost all adulterers deny an affair at first, even when confronted with overpowering evidence. Then they typically move on to revealing only bits and pieces of the story, which is called trickle truth. Very often the adulterer admits to an emotional affair when it is really a physical affair. A polygraph should be considered to get the full truth. It's also common for the adulterer to give their word that contact with the affair partner has ended even though there's still contact. Just remember that cheaters lie -- it's what they do. Don't listen to what your cheating spouse is telling you; instead, follow the proven plan.

- Expose the affair. It is the best weapon you have to both kill the affair AND to kill the fantasy land of illusions that linger on in the wayward spouse's mind. Expose all in one day to parents, siblings, children, the affair partner's spouse and family, clergy, close friends and places of employment if the affair partners are colleagues. Sending private messages on facebook to expose the affair is effective, but be sure to stagger messages one minute apart so you are not shut down for flooding.

- Send a no contact letter to the other woman/man, written by wayward spouse, approved and mailed by betrayed spouse.

- Keep snooping.

Would you like us to post sample exposure letters you can use?

Thanks to everyone who responded. In my heart I want to believe that he has ended the affair, but in my head I know what a good liar he is from the way he denied the affair in the first place.
I kind of exposed him today. I created a fake fb account and wrote him a fake message, making it seem like I was one of the OW friends. I also wrote myself a message exposing him and his parents and brother. He is freaking out wondering who this person is and even thinks it might be me, but really doesn't believe that I would have told his parents, so he's still pretty confused.
When he got home tonight he was acting pretty normal though, so I really don't know what's going on. He has an appt with a counselor and told me today that the only reason he is not 100% committed to saving this marriage is because he doesn't think I will get over this and doesn't want me to sit home and be miserable all day thinking about it...like he's doing me a favor. It sounds convincing when he's telling me this...believe it or not.
What exactly is a keylogger and how would I get one? He has a laptop that he uses for work, which he also uses for personal reasons too...it's what he used to communicate with her on, but in order to get on I would need his password and I don't want to ask him for it, because I don't want him to have a clue that I am going to install something like that. I kind of want him to think that I trust him right now and don't want to give him any red flags...so would I be able to put the keylogger on without being able to log onto his computer? Being able to see all his computer activity would be the one thing that would bust him...just not sure how to do it.
Thanks again!

Go ahead and expose for real, this time. Believe me, it's the best thing you can do!


Fogbabble, try not to let it get to you. He's trying to put this on you--that you're the one not able to work on the marriage and he's being the gentleman. I wouldn't comment or let him bait you when he says that stuff. Just shrug, smile and change the subject.


Look at www.eblaster.com for a good one. It records all keystrokes, websites visited and email sent/received and forwards this to your email account at regular intervals. Eblaster's is $100.

You purchase it and you'll get a link sent to your email to download it. Go on the monitored computer, then to your email and download it on the machine. But, before you do that, temporarily turn off any antivirus and Windows Defender.

Eblaster's website, and the instructions, tell you how to do that.

Once it's downloaded, the program will give you a list of files that you have to enter into the antivirus and Windows Defender to tell those programs to ignore eblaster. It's not that difficult, and their website has a very good how-to for various antivirus programs.

If you're proficient, I'd give ten minutes to do it.



Normally, I'd say go find a teenager to do this for you

A quick google search came up with these two options...maybe one will work for you?

Alright heres what you do start up the computer and just when its booting up click F8 repeatdly. A menu will come up and select the option which says �start in safe mode.� The computer will start normally except for a few small differences and you should be able to log in without the password. Once your in go to the control panel and remove the password.

or, here's another one I see...

press Ctrl+Alt+Del+Del when you are asked for a password, a new window will appear. change the user name to �administrator� then you will log into administrator�s account. this will run if the administrator has no password. try it.