Finally, he's upset that he is supposed to be O&H, while I keep doing things behind his back without discussing it with him first. He says it's hypocritical.

"There are two situations where I don't recommend radical honesty or the POJA: Abuse and infidelity. In the case of infidelity, if one spouse suspects the other, I have gone so far as to encourage hiring a private detective to help investigate, using spyware, keyloggers, putting a gps on the car, and all sorts of other snooping methods. If its found that the spouse is not guilty, I encourage revealing the snooping to the spouse. If found guilty, I encourage keeping spying techniques secret indefinitely. "

The WH is mad again that I sent messages to 8 of OW facebook friends (including her brother). he keeps saying that i'm making matters worse by doing that because they have ended contact and this just keeps bringing things back up over and over. If they are really done with contact, is this just making matters worse?

To whom should it be exposed? I recommend that family, friends, children, clergy, and especially, the lover�s spouse be informed. Exposure in the workplace depends on several factors.

There are many reasons for this recommendation, but the primary reason is based on my belief that the more people know about what I do in my most private moments, the safer I am to others.

Whenever a betrayed spouse tells me that they�ve just discovered their spouse�s affair, my advice is almost always the same: Let others know about it. Tell your children, family, friends, clergy, and especially the lover�s spouse, if they have one. And this is even to be done during what I call plan A (making an effort to make as many Love Bank deposits, and as few withdrawals as possible). The problem some people have with that strategy is that it conflicts with the goal of plan A because it�s likely to cause massive Love Bank withdrawals. An unfaithful spouse almost always considers such exposure to be a worse act of betrayal than their affair itself. But the alternative, helping the unfaithful spouse to keep the affair a secret, is enabling the addiction, prolonging the agony. In the long run, making the affair public knowledge without any forewarnings, threats, or bartering (which by themselves can create massive withdrawals) actually reduces the number of Love Bank withdrawals made by the betrayed spouse. It�s my opinion that the advantages of immediate exposure usually far outweigh the disadvantages.

While most affairs die a natural death in less than two years, there are some that take much longer to die. That's one of the primary reasons that my first rule in surviving an affair is to never see or talk to the lover again -- even if the affair seems to have died a natural death. An affair can rekindle after it seems to be over. And to guarantee complete separation between the unfaithful spouse and the lover, extraordinary precautions must be taken, such as providing radical accountability and transparency. In many cases, I've encouraged couples I've counseled to change jobs or even move to another state to help create permanent separation.

Another suggestion I make to a couple struggling to restore their marriage after one of them had an affair is to make the affair public. Everyone should know what happened -- children, relatives, friends, and especially the children and spouse of the lover -- so that the affair is exposed to the light of day. What often makes affairs appealing is that it is done in secret. Most affairs become very unappealing once everyone knows about it.

So whether an affair is a one night stand, or has been going on for years, the basic rule for ending them are the same -- extraordinary precautions to guarantee permanent separation. But I will admit that the precautions used for long-term affairs are usually more extraordinary than those used for short-term affairs. I've helped many spouses overcome affairs that have lasted over ten years, but none of them have been easy.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

Thanks for the feedback everyone. Unfortunately I think he still has feeling for her and that's why the exposure upsets him. He doesn't want her to think of him as the biggest mistake of her life, which I think she does. That being said I am also still uncomfortable with just carpet bombing her. Yes, she is an evil [censored] that ruined my life, but at some point I have to just say enough is enough. Her parents know, her brother knows, and a few of her friends now know. I see no point in sending more fb messages. All of the important people know. Right?

I agree with you, hurt. You have done enough. And I do think that he is very protective of the OW which is the only possible reason he is objecting so much.

I hope you keep a close eye on him in the future.

All of the important people know. Right?

Now, I have a question about the letter that my WH was supposed to send the OW to end the affair. He never sent a letter because he said that she told him she never wanted to hear from him again and she stopped all contact before he had an opportunity to send the letter. Should he still send the letter? It seems silly to send a letter saying "don't ever contact me again" when the other person already said that she doesn't want to hear from him. Advice?

Thanks maritalbliss. I know I need to stop telling him stuff, but I don't want to keep secrets from him. I know this sounds silly, since he kept secrets from me for a whole year...but I am not a person that lies or keeps secrets and I'm not going to start changing the person I am just because he is a d-bag. I am determined to be a trustworthy person with integrity and morals, regardless of what he has done to me. If this means that he will go on screwing me over, then so be it. I will not let it change me because the "me" I am proud of being is still the only thing my WH and his OW can't take away.

This is his second A (that I know of). Maybe the problem is that I haven't fully committed to fighting for this marriage. What am I fighting for? More pain? What are the chances that he will actually change? This is hopeless.

I just don't know if I can get past it. If he could do this twice, then he could do it again in the future and I wouldn't survive it again. Wouldn't leaving be better in my situation? What good could come of staying together?

He knew I was mailing the letter today and he didn't even really seem to care. Is that a good sign?