What will happen when you go into Plan B is your H will go nuts trying to get through. She has to be a broken record with him and tell him that nothing gets through other than pertinent information about finances and child visitation unless he: a) ends the affair and b) moves home so he home every night and c) commits to a program of recovery.

He will become FURIOUS to realize he has lost control of you.

Click on my name, then find my posts from early March 2007. That is when I went into Plan B.

I actually don't talk a lot about it here because I knew my H was reading my posts and since I was in PB, he was to know nothing about me.

Before that you can see what it was like in a FR (false recovery). You can read my H's posts during that time as well, he is MFsFWH.

You will see you are no different than anyone dealing with an A.

Thank you MF...

I think I need to reveal something to you guys...maybe you will understand why I have been so hesitant with things. This is an 18 year common-law marriage. Not recognized in the state I live in. I know I should have mentioned this, I was afraid that I would be turned away for not being legally married. It was still a marriage to me, just because I didn't have the piece of paper stating so. I have already been married and divorced prior and we didn't talk about legally marrying..and because I had already been married I was in no rush to re-marry. So 18 years later.....I'm pretty much SOL.

For those of you who would still like to help put me in the right direction, I would still like your help.

Thanks for coming clean Trista. This is an important detail. I suggest that you try and get your hands on the book, "Renters, Buyers, and Freeloaders" by Dr. Harley. 18 years is a long time to be together, and the fact that you have children even complicates things further. But you already know all of this. This book may open your eyes to some things that you've never thought about before and prepare you for the future either with your SO or someone new.

I feel so bad for your kids and how this is going to effect them. Do they know mom and dad aren't married? Have you told them what's going on with your SO?

Once you get the financial stuff figured out (try and get something in writing if you can) then I still think you need to go Plan B.

If your SO does decide to come back, you should make marriage a condition of recovery. Otherwise, you'll just end up back here again.

If you choose NOT to pursue this relationship, then protect yourself financially the best you can under these circumstances and then go DARK, DARK, DARK.

((Trista))

Hi PM...thank you!! Oh absolutely 'real' marriage would be a condition of recovery.

To answer your questions...Yes, my girls are teenagers and have known since very little that mom and dad were not "married" but as they got older...because we lived like we were married, they never questioned it again.

I sent him a text yesterday letting him know I want to go ahead and get that letter written from him where he is going to state that I get to keep the house, and that he will continue to pay on it until it's paid off, which at that time...he will put the house in my name. I am also going to see an attorney about having it written up and filed within the court system so that I don't just have a notarized piece of paper. I want it to stand up in court if need be. Once I get all that from him, I am going to change the locks, change garage door opener code...etc. If I don't get that paper from him this week, then I will see the attorney the following week to have my own papers drawn up.

Good job Trista, you have to look after yourself right now.......it's all about the plan and the stages and patience it takes.......married or not you two are a couple....
Look after yourself and the kids, be the best you can be through this.......
jessi

Oh good grief...this was unfair to have allllll these posters posting to you without revealing the truth. You just "live together". You are "boyfriend and girlfriend".

Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free? Sorry to be so flippant but why is the idea of marriage important to you NOW? He's been getting all the bennies of a M without being married and you want to fault him for it NOW?


This is akin to someone putting a doctor's coat on and saying "I know some medical stuff, I just don't have the piece of paper stating I'm a doctor.".

Marriage is a much bigger deal than a piece of paper. I hope you are seeing that now.

Trista, your "revelation" to this board makes more sense to me now. When I read the messaging between you and your BF, I was in SHOCK. I couldn't believe that a WIFE would be so flippant with her H and talk about saying ILY to his OW in bed after SF. I thought you had lost your marbles, now I understand better.

This also explains why NO ONE was mad about this "affair" because it really wasn't one.

I am bowing out now because I will no longer help someone who was dishonest to so many to gain something they thought they were entitled to. How do you expect your WBF to follow "rules" when you clearly don't when it serves your own purpose.

Good you came clean...Now get it right. I agree with the princess meg that marriage is a condition of recovery.

Now stop delaying about this PBL and SEND IT. You could have written a novel for all the time you have been working on this.

Now you understand how important the institution of M is and the legalities. I hate the term "common-law" meaning that your relationship is just that common. You deserve so much more.

Today begin to fix this.

REALLY?? You honestly believe that just because we didn't have a piece of paper that says we were married that I am hurting any less?? And how was I trying to gain anything from any of you, but help? This is exactly why I didn't say anything to anyone because you wouldn't get it. I don't consider him my BF. That is ridiculous. Domestic partner is a better word, and I'm sorry if you don't agree with that. That is not what I'm here for anyway. I'm sorry that just being married is the only way to get help here. Ya, go ahead and jump all over me, the person who needs direction...the person who has children who are hurting...the person who needs support even if it means via the internet.

Thanks a lot...

I see where I'm not welcome...wow.

goodbye..........

I feel your pain, Trista, I really do. I feel the pain for your children even more. They deserved parents who were married and committed to each other.

Unfortunately, you're going to have a lot of trouble getting much help from the state because you're not married. Exposure will also mean MUCH less to many people which limits your "stick" part of the carrot/stick relationship.


Maybe you don't consider him your BF, but it sounds like he DID consider him your BF. So will many others. Having been married and divorced, I would have expected you would know that marriage changes a relationship. A friend of mine was dating someone and cohabitating for 7 years, then got married--and their relationship changed dramatically.

Cohabitating is not the same as marriage.

I'm sorry you are hurting, and many of the MB principles may still apply. But you're going to have trouble getting traction against this "affair" because it's...well...it's an affair in spirit, but not in reality.

If you had been HONEST from the beginning there would have been more people trying to help you. I personally would not have been one, but that's just me.

I find it RIDICULOUS that only UNMARRIED people talk about how marriage is, "JUST a piece of paper." Poll anyone who is ACTUALLY married and see what their answer is.

Take a hard look at yourself and figure out WHY you were dishonest in the first place. You might actually learn something.

Let me ask you something. Do you believe that fornication is a sin? I do. And although I committed that sin before I was married, I ceased committing that sin once I became married. I have asked for forgiveness for that sin and have vowed to not repeat it in the future. Have you asked for forgiveness for that sin? Will you no longer be committing that sin in the future? Will you not fornicate with your BF until you two are married?

Well I am off to work..I am sitting here crying...Ya I really messed up my life didn't I? 18 years of of my life wasted and no direction.

I'm just going to end it...Nothing else I can do. Do the best I can, move out of the house...and hope that my children don't make the same stupid mistakes I have made.

I am going to ask the mods to delete my thread.
PrincessMeggy has my real email address...she has my permission to give it to anyone who would like to keep in touch with me to find out how this all ends up in the long run.

Thanks to those who didn't take swipes at me. I really am a super nice person IRL and maybe that is my problem, way too nice...and I never thought I was entitled to anything here but some direction.

Trista, I warned you that you would be hit with some 2x4s for withholding this information. Did you consider emailing Dr. Harley for some help with this? If I didn't know you, I would be upset too. Alot of the people who were helping you are dealing with pain themselves from adultery currently in their marriage.

I know you feel like you are married, but honestly, you're not. It's so sad that it has come to this. There's a reason people get married and I'm sorry you didn't get to experience that with the father of your children. It hurts that he cheated on you, yes, especially because of how much you have invested in each other lives and the fact that you have children together.

But I think you are wise to go completely dark and move on without him. Start living your life well and educate yourself on what makes a good marriage. What makes Trista the best person she can be (and that doesn't necessarily mean marriage.)

Maybe someday a man will come along who you will want to marry. I can't think of a better way than MB to prepare for that.

If your SO does happens to come back into your life, make some firm requirements starting with pre-marital counseling, and then marriage.

Get the book I suggested (Renters, Buyers and Freeloaders-- I think that's the order). It may open your eyes. I say stop the cycle right now. Admit to your children that you made some wrong choices. They already know their dad is wrong.

I hope you do get to experience a wonderful marriage someday. Then maybe you'll see the difference and how important that little piece of paper really is to those that mean it.

The name of the book is Buyers, Renters and Freeloaders ~ but you're close.

Trista, do not delete this thread. It's a good learning experience for everyone reading it. Marriage vows are IMPORTANT. It's a good lesson to learn. Please teach your children this. A marriage relationship is different and more special from any other kind of relationship out there.

Also, if the thread is not deleted, you can come back yourself and let us know of your outcome.

Trista, don't leave. Stay and READ. All of the articles. All of the links. Ask questions. We have a lot of important things we can tell you.

Trista,
I agree don't leave you came here for help, there are people willing to help you. Marital has some suggestions, ask the questions you have, and toughen up, take the 2x4's we all had to in the beginning.......
18 years is a long relationship.......don't give up..............
jessi

Trista,

I know I asked you these questions before, but please consider them. Think about them as you start and go through your Plan B (which I hope you're progressing to, because you need it desperately).

Why did you settle for what you did?

Your partner never married you, has spent only about 1/4 of these last 18 years living with you coming home for weekends and a week here and there, he maintains his own home in a separate state, has cheated on you multiple times. THIS is the man you accepted for yourself. THIS is the man you felt good enough to father your children. THIS is the man you cling to.

This man doesn't know how to be a husband and a father, every day in and out. He left you to basically raise his children as a virtual single parent.

He has the best of both worlds: a single life when he feels like it, and a family when he's in the mood for that.

Why do you cling to him?
He has NEVER in these 18 years put you or your family first.

You say you cannot ask for him to quit his job, he won't quit it. He needs to quit it, but I have a feeling if he comes back willing to change but refuses to quit his job, you'll take him back.

Because you are afraid he won't give up his job for you. So if he won't you will take him anyways. Despite the fact that you can never get what you want while he works that job.

Why is it you value yourself so little you will take his scraps?

I care about you Trista, I do. I understand your pain. I hope you can overcome it, I hope you can find the strength within yourself to separate from he who is causing you all this pain. I hope you can spend some time in thought, and pondering why it is you value yourself so little. I hope you can find that you ARE of worth, that you are worth so much more than this man has EVER given you - that way if another man comes along, or if he comes back, you won't settle for the scraps you've used to build your life these last 18 years.

Trista,
This is a learning process and you are learning the hard way BUT this is a place that will give you a straight path forward.

You got 2x4s, you got a reality check. It is time to pick yourself up and make a POSITIVE plan for yourself and your family.