Does it seem to anyone else that lately, there have been a whole lot of BHs here because of their WW? When I first came on these boards about 2 1/2 years ago, it was hard for me to find other BH stories. Now they're everywhere.

Has anyone else noticed this or am I remembering things incorrectly?

If so, any theories on why? I have some thoughts but am curious to hear from you all first (BHs, BWs, WWs, WHs, onlookers, everyone).

Thanks,
Arpeggi

As a refugee from another site, I am going to propose that the "concept" behind Marriage Builders (Problem, process, solution) appeals STRONGLY to the inherent, genetic male psyche. (Killing the mastodon for dinner did not require hand-holding: Grok, go there with a spear. Tron, go there with a rock. Altogether, KILL him!).

The other site was a whole bunch of <<<<Hugs>>>>> among females, empathy without direction. Inevitably, every thread became a pity-party at the BW henhouse. Equally inevitably, NeverGuessed got frustrated with their fecklessness, and was....excused....from further involvement.

I peek in every so often, and the same hand-wringing BW's are there, YEARS later, still clueless about effectively addressing their issues, and still getting <<<<<<hugs>>>>>>> from each other.

I can see why men, more insightful than I was initially, if they come across that site first, keep looking, and find this site. BW's might stay there.

(And before sending the nasty-grams my way, ladies-of-MB, I recognize there are ALWAYS outliers to the gender norms, and you here add true balance to the discussions.)

Well, if that's the case, I don't understand why so few male BSes follow the given advice. It seems to me as if BWes take more action than the BHes. The BHes appear much more afraid to me. Note, this is not a scientific survey - I have not actually counted the number of BSes of either gender that follow MB principles for busting up an affair.

AM

Whoo! What armymama said! I think the BH's are looking for a plan, but for some puzzling reason, so many BH's begin to waffle when it comes time to implement said plan.

I happened to be a BH. I exposed as much as I thought possible at the time and did what I could to reclaim my marriage before I found Marriage Builders. There are some things I wish I would of done but if I did those it wouldn't be good!

Yes, a plan works. I'm a scientific kind of guy, plans are what works the best... not a bunch of emotional support although that has helped me since the affair.

I agree with this. While there are some exceptions, we seem to attract some very timid, fearful men around here. Sometimes I wonder if they are not being beaten by their wives and this explains their fear. They always say NO when I ask them, though.

Perhaps it is a culture thing? At first I thought it might be a yankee and foreigner thing, but some of the biggest wimps I have ever seen came from Texas.

I love this guy!!

I sincerely mean this when I say their loss is our gain. I have seen you do a great job of rallying the fearful around here. We need more like that!

I don't know that this applies only to women, but I have some theories about the seeming increase in waywardness in our world:

1. Modern psychology - i.e. "I deserve happiness," "I should self-actualize and realize my inner blah blah," "My mom used the wrong kind of huggies so I turn to other people for love"

2. Materialism - not so much that people cheat for money, but that the drive to have more more more means we have to work 24/7 and constantly stress about bills and leave no time or energy for the person we promised to love and cherish

3. Blurring of lines and boundaries - it used to be clearer, married women's friends were women; men's friends were men, sex was for marriage, friends with benefits wasn't even in the vocabulary....now if it feels good we find a way to make it okay

4. The blame game - an offshoot of #1 - if I have an A, it is not because I crossed boundaries and made a horrific choice...it's cause my spouse wasn't _________ enough and I was looooooooooonely

5. This one always gets me into trouble, but I'll say it - blurring of gender roles - strong men are "mean," submissive wives are "subservient," cougars are celebrated, metrosexual is the order of the day

That's just what I think.

Excuse me, what's wrong with cougars? Aren't these just women like me, who look better older than we did when younger?

Thats right, Tawandabelle!! Do you discriminate against cougars??

Mel<---a cougar

I found it interesting after discovery of my H's affair, when I mentioned MB to OWH, he said that he had been here after his wife's first affair and that it did not work for them. NO KIDDING.

Of course, he/they did not follow the principles. There was no exposure of the previous A and OW continued on with her independent behavior and she was in no sense ever open and honest with her H.

AM

I don't know that there really are more BHs here lately than BWs. It just seems that there are more BWs in Plan B, ATM so not so much going on to talk about. Plan B is SOOOO boring.

I think there also comes a gender difference in asking for help from strangers. Most men don't feel comfortable asking for help. Most women seek out advice from others. A LOT of BHs come here for a short time, decide that they got enough info to "go it alone" and check in once in a while to ask for course corrections(while mostly NOT following MB at all). I get worried when a BW, who was following MB leaves for a while. It usually means that she hasn't been following MB and doesn't want to get 2x4'd for it.

MB DOES appeal to the more logical mind. It makes a lot of sense.

Having been here for a short while, I have seen an influx of BHs, at the same time, WS's all at once, and then a bunch of BWs. It seems that lurkers, reading others new stories. gain the courage to post themselves.

He might have arrived a few years ago. When I arrived here, few knew anything about Marriage Builders. This was just a general chat forum back then. Folks were told not to expose because it was BAD and was a lovebuster. In the "good old days.."

Umm no.

Urban dictionary definition 2

Noun. A 35+ year old female who is on the "hunt" for a much younger, energetic, willing-to-do-anything male. The cougar can frequently be seen in a padded bra, cleavage exposed, propped up against a swanky bar in San Francisco (or other cities)waiting, watching, calculating; gearing up to sink her claws into an innocent young and strapping buck who happens to cross her path. "Man is cougar's number one prey"

OH NOOOOOOOOOOOO. I just realized that I entered "cougar" age.

Of course, all of you gorgeous women of a certain age number are wonderful...I meant those sad, over-tanned, over-injected, leopard print thing wearing 40-something who decide to toss aside the man who has been faithful to them for umpteen years so they can "rut" with a twenty-something garage band reject.

I did not mean to besmirch the term cougar And it's okay to have a leopard thong as long as your DH is the only one who sees it and you can stand that uncomfortable feeling.

I think that some of the more recent and extreme aspects of the "women's movement" have done a disservice to women.

ok, I feel bettah!

Mel,

I dont know exactly when OWH might have been here. OW was involved in previous A in Feb 2006. I don't know exactly when OWH discovered it, but he mentioned once that it was only a "matter of months" before she was fully involved in the A with my H late summer of 2007.

I really desire all these people who insist on "keeping the secret" because of ____(insert some uncomfortable consequence) wouldn't. I have no doubt that had OW's previous A been exposed in the workplace, my H would have kept her at 10 foot pole distance. At least, that is happening now. One of her complaints during the broken NC in fall 2009 was that she was ostrasized at work. My response was that was good, because other people are protected from her.

Sorry, this turned into a big TJ and a giant pitch for exposure.

Oh dear me, no.

Real cougars wear very expensive, gorgeous underwear (that we buy on sale!). We have high-maintenance hair and bodies. Every week we have an appointment for a pedicure, eyebrows or other secret body-maintenance that we don't reveal the details of to men, and there is a daily routine of make-up, workouts and general pampering. We do our housework in full make-up and we fit this in only when we have finished making ourselves look gorgeous.

I don't know where you find those cougars you talked about, but they are not here at MB! MB cougars are classy!

Yes! I totally agree. Women have almost cut off their noses to spite their faces.

One example (maybe not so extreme though): I ride the train daily to and from work. In the afternoons, there is sometimes standing room only. Every once in a blue moon a "gentleman" will offer his seat to a lady. Whatever happen to chivalry or even just plain old good manners?

I would comment on some of the women on Real Housewives, but I don't have all night.