hello. my name is stephanie. my husband was on here a year ago while i was having an emotional affair that turned sexual and i moved out and abandoned my husband and children. everything he learned on here eventually DID bring me back to him.. So, thanks for that! i di find my way and the "light" was shined on the horrible choices i was making.. after reconciling may of last year, we have been through meetings with our pastor, meetings with our dr, retreats, books, etc. we seemed to have overcome the odds but i know my husband still hurt deeply. he had bad days and good. he did complain ididnt show enough lve and didnt have sex as much ashe would like. that was hard for me to do as im not a "lover". so it went on with vvery little.. we do have 2 little girls 6 and 4. we went to church ans vacation and get aways just me and him. just on feb 5th our daughter turned 6 in which we had a party with friends and family.. one friend there is a best or very close friend to me.. ive never trusted her around my husband due to her rep. anyway feb 7th i found out he was texting her.. i caught it in time because i knew something was up. so it only went on for 18 hrs total as far as i know. i confronted him and he said he was just talking, jut friends.. well, being there and doing what i did, i said bullcrap! been there, did it. so he said he wouldnt text again but now doesnt want to work on our marriage anymore. says he cant get over what i did, he hates me, he recents me, he wants me to movve out. im completly blindsided as i thought we were ok. not perfect but ok.. i tried loing more, more sex, more help. nothing. he said he never wanted to work on it since i found out about the texting, he just said that so i didnt take our girls and move to AZ where my whole family is. currently he says he wants a divorce. hes cold, emotionless, careless, just a shell. our little girls are suffering and im so hurt.. i do feel hes depressed but he doesnt want to be on meds. i want to be with my husband. i have found a whole new love for him going through what i did.. he is very mean at times, doesnt talk to me, does what he wants, i just dont know what to do.. i guess you can say we had a "honeymoon phase" and now that that has worn off maybe the hurt sets in. but the recentment he has is horrible. he brings it up, its all my fault, where we are is because of what i did, he takes no blame, no responsibility for any of what happened. what do i do, what should i do, please help as you guy here are the whole and very reason i found my way back to my family.. OH AND THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THAT! Stephanie

The principles that busted up your affair will work for him too. Revenge affairs is what I think come to mind here Stephanie. He wants you to feel the pain that you caused him. Yes, he is hurting very much from what you have done to him but he will be hurting so much more once he realizes that the hurt will not go away by having a revenge affair.

1. Expose (Friends, Family, Children of your husband and of that other woman).
2. Plan A is what you are going to be doing now. You will need to hardcore meet his needs... that means you will have to be sexy and have sex... you will need to admire him... you will need to do the things he loves to do. But you will not tolerate his affair, you will contradict his statements with clarity. You will need to do things like turn off the cellphone (if its in his name that will prove difficult, put a blocker on the computer, whatever).

I believe you can do this... I'm sure his main motivation was someone felt bad for him and offered him emotional salve so to speak-it motivated to an affair.

Stephanie, did your WFBH post on here? If so, what was his name?

Who is your husband? Can you send him here?

Welcome to MARRIAGE BUILDERS Steph

Ok, i hear you but what i feel degraded having sex with him and used. of course he wants that but i feel like thats all i have to myself. giving him that, is like saying, i know you want a divorce but we can still have sex, etc. like, have your cake and eat it too? i have let everyone know about that girl. but again, i was warned by everyone to cut her out of our lives and i didnt. when i confronted her, she said they can be friends and i dont get to control that! i thought, oh yes, i do.. thats my husband! anyway, i would love to show him love and touch and feel hime love me but i cant get over thinking he will still file for divorce.. i cant turn off cell but i have been watching the activity and hes been truthful. and yes, it did start as he was just talking to her, she was listening and understanding because she has been through some horrible things. but i did ask both of them once before to not contact eachother, she could call me.. well, ya, thats what i was doing too! until it led to more.. thanks for the input.. i appreciate it.

his name is Ben... it was last yr exactly... maybe wyrsch1 or pear65mino. not sure?

His posting name, Steph - go back and edit his name and email address out, okay?

Do you know what his posting name was?

and thank you for the welcome...

he says he doesnt remember what his user name was...

and let me be clear, i do believe he did not do anything but text. i caught it so fast. hes where hes suppose to be and the phone records all add up. but she a eveil person who would try anything to tick me off icluding proving to eeryone she could have my husband...

Does he know you are posting on here right now?

yes. i had to get help from him on how to register..

Stephanie,

Please go and edit out your husband's email address and name.

You've just told us who you are as well; in fact I just typed his name into Google and your own MySpace page came up. Now I know all your particulars and what you look like - it's there for any internet user anywhere in the world to see.

You might want to get rid of your MySpace profile as well or make it invisible to the seach engines.

So, he knows the playbook, he knows the rules and he will be able to find out what we are advising you.

Are you going to be able to be honest on here? He will most likely read every word. Are you okay with that?

What did you tell him when you said that you were coming on here for advice? What was his reaction?

Have you read everything on here?

yes, im being honest and will be honest. i have nothing else to lose so to say.... i read a little last night and i know from his past on here. i read the recentment forum and wow! that was good. what hes doing to me is not ok... i always feel horrible, guilty, etc. he was fine when i said i was getting on here. he helped. so, idk what that means exactly? and, GH, i havent been on myspace in years but i will do that, thanks.. and i did delete his stuff as soon as i was told. im very new to froums so, i apologize.. u asked for name and thats what i gave. i forget these are not private.. oops! Stephanie

just deleted myspace acct

In the past year, what has your recovery plan looked like? Have you spent a minimum of 20 hours a week together on UA meeting the 4 most important ENs?

Here is a thread I started to help guide newly betrayed around this site. http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2370240#Post2370240

i need the abbreviations explained... no we havent gone to a "real" councelor per say.... just our dr, our pastor, and here and there marriage meetings. nothing permenant.. i regret that terribly but we really didnt have the money. looking back it wouldve been the first on my budget list! i will check out the thread, thanks..

READ READ READ.

This isn't easy, and with your own A to recover from as well, this may be harder than you can imagine now. A revenge affair is NEVER the answer. It just adds more complications to an awfully painful sitch.

After you read through the links on the thread, ask whatever questions you may have.