It figures something would happen while MB was offline! Now it's almost old news, and I wonder if I should even post it.

Nah, I'm online already. What the heck?

Yesterday, after returning from a run, I found a coupon offer in my inbox: half off admission tickets to a local museum. It's a voucher, actually -- buy it now and redeem it any time until the end of June.

So I thought to write Ballroom Girl (geez, even I am having a hard time remembering the nicknames of these ladies) and see if she had any interest.

While I was writing my email, an email from her arrived in my inbox! In it, she brought me up to date on last week -- her sinus infection, the dog's eye problem, and the Easter competition she and a couple of her friends participate in. The sense I got from it was a "keeping in touch" email - she hadn't seen me at the meeting and I guess was wondering. Who knows?

Anyway, she hasn't dropped the ball, and maybe playing it cool has made her think about maybe wanting to spend more time together. She didn't say that, so I'm just guessing.

Anyway, that's an update. A little unexpected, I think. But a positive one.

One of Newton's lesser known laws is that the minute you stop pursuing someone who is being a bit distant, they inevitably and instantly show some level of increased interest.

In my experience, in these cases, it is important to not get sucked back into the pursuer role. As I learned numerous times (painfully), the minute you get excited and start getting spun up again, Newton's fourth law kicks in, which is that they resort right back to being distant.

YMMV of course, but I would be very VERY cool to any words from BG (or whatever she is these days). If I saw some action from her (oy, that sounds terrible, I mean if she suggests a date or something, not just tells you about her sinuses) that would be a step up, but even then I'd be very very cautious. Some people like to be pursued because... they like the feeling of being pursued, not because they have an interest in anything other than being pursued .

AGG

ITA, AGG (wow, that's a mouthful of abbreviations, isn't it?).

Which is why I haven't picked up the phone or done anything other than put out there that I have the opportunity to buy discount tickets to a museum (which I may buy -- and take someone else, if that comes to pass!).

There's a lot going on with me on the business front right now, so I'm not spinning my wheels waiting for "date night," if you know what I mean.

Fred,

i have a slightly different take than AGG. BG is just relaying events and happenings, which is a way of keeping in touch. What you need to do is to relay events and happenings in your life.

This is not pursuing, this is just getting to know you type, to decide if the person is worth meeting, with some familiarity. The events and happenings chatter is a way to get to know you, but not necessarily pursuing talk. I carried on an email discussion of events and happenings with someone for many many months, which is different than pursuing talk. . . we have never met, but we could very easily and i would know alot about her.

this type of approach is called the indirect approach where you don't talk about anything serious, but you learn about each other for abit to become familiar before face to face. . .

just reply with events and happenings in your life, and leave it at that. don't even mention meeting right now, just make your emails interesting and fun to read.

good luck

wiftty

the problem with emails is that a human's imagination begins to form an impression of the person, which may not be reality, but will be enough to create a positive impression, and an interest to meet again. . .

wiftty

Doesn't sound to me like wiftty's and NGG's comments are that disparate. I like them both.
I also have been thinking that stuff like this is going to continue to happen Fred - you're going to be pursuing your own pursuits and "whaddya know" someone interesting will show up. When you're ready, but still when you least expect it.

That's just a hunch I have.

opt

wiftty, your suggestion is actually very much in line with my recommended approach . I'm not telling Fred to ignore BG, I'm suggesting that he just respond more or less in kind to her e-mail - she says "blah blah sinus blah dog eyes blah blah", and he should reply "blah blah got a haircut blah blah car needs a tuneup blah blah"...

What I think he should NOT do is reply to her e-mail with any attempt to escalate or to see her. Keeping in touch is perfectly fine, and he will get to know her more. But my take is that when someone wants to see you, they make it more or less obvious, they don't keep talking about their sinuses or dogs.

AGG

I totally agree. In fact I almost said this exact thing to Fred when he posted that he is busy with his business and is giving up on dating for now - I was going to say "and this is exactly when you'll hear from BG", but unfortunately I got distracted and didn't follow through...

AGG

Also good stuff, wiftty. I think this is what I've done in the past couple of emails. I did put out the opportunity to go to a museum, but the voucher(s) can be redeemed at any time over the next three months, so it's not like a definite, must-decide dating choice.

She told me of her latest goings-on, and I told her of mine (upping my running, the new business opportunity, etc.). I am most definitely NOT going to be begging for a date!

Hi Fred,

Just popping in to say that I agree with the others.

I think if you're busy doing what you enjoy doing, eventually a special someone will show up to join you.

Hope your doing well.

Thanks, MJ.

Right now work is making me feel a bit like Pac-Man. I'm provisioning a new website/domain, configuring an existing server, and setting up a lab server in my home office (which is requiring me to rewire a lot of things).

It's a good thing I don't have a life. Well, except for going out running...

Life consist of many things, including the work and running that you're doing.

Indeed it does, MJ. Indeed, it does.

In the "there's no telling how strange things can get" department, I have been sitting here, eating Chinese food and watching an old Jimmy Cagney movie, when my cell phone rang. Wow, 9:00 p.m., who could be calling?

Ballroom Girl.

Really.

We spent the last 40 minutes on the phone, just "getting caught up." I won't bother with the details, because they're not important. I did find it interesting that she chose to call "out of the blue" as she did.

Especially since we didn't make a future date, and didn't try to invade each other's "space" (whatever that means. Heck, I typed it and I'm not even sure what I mean).

The whole thing was pleasant, but not very satisfying, if that's understandable. I'm not sure what the point was...

Oh, I think that good stuff Fred,

I think it says good things about where you are emotionally and that you are guarding your heart as you should.

I think it would be easy to loose prospective on what you have been though and get to attached. Who knows she may be the one but your not going to be in the place to make that judgment until you've recovered, and I would hope that by the time you have recovered you will have kissed more than a couple of girls on the lips just to figure out how its done again.

As bad as a divorce is it does give us the opportunity to find a mate that God has for us. And if we are patient on Him, I would like to think he is going to bless us in an exceptional way!!!!

Maybe the one He has picked out for me not only is hot but is rich as well so I won't have to worry about the EX getting everthing.

I should probably start praying for that one......

Yeah better start, and if you get that please post what you prayed OK?

What are your top 5 needs Fred? Was she meeting any of them? If not, it's probably why it didn't feel satisfying.

Is it possible that you could view ladies you meet simply as "friends", instead of potential mates? My thought process behind that is so that you can have enriching friendships with a variety of females. You can have fun with them, without the pressure of "dates". And then if something more grows from one of those friendships, then all the better.

Alright SC and CP.....if I come on here and say that I want a filthy rich, hot man....I don't want to hear any smack from you. Understand?

And well...the rich part leaves me out of the running, for now...lol...

Wow, this hit me like a wake-up call, MJ! Thanks.

In fact, it got me to thinking. If this generates enough interest, it might be worth its own thread...

Can (or should) an EN be "justified?"

Here's the thinking behind the question: One of my top EN's is Physical Attractiveness. However, I have always struggled with my own self-image. I do not and have not considered myself a handsome man. I do take care of myself - I'm clean, groomed, well attired, fit, etc. - but I know I will never win a male "beauty contest." Yet I have identified PA as one of my top EN's. Is this fair?

Dr. Harley says

(As MelodyLane likes to say: here.)

In my mind, it makes it difficult to seek out someone I find attractive when I don't feel that person will find me attractive in return.

Oh, I know that another's EN's may not be the same as mine - in fact, given what I've learned here, that's more than likely the case. My WxW admitted that I wasn't the best looking man around, but that I was plenty good-looking FOR HER. (Of course, I now have to question everything she ever said to me, so she's probably not the best example, either).

Similarly, I find Affection to be one of my top EN's. I'm a very affectionate person, yet at times I find it hard to accept affection when it's showed to me. Again, using my WxW as an example, it took a lot of trying on her part for me to become comfortable with her being affectionate. Once "in the zone," however, I relished the affection she would show.

So, how does one reconcile the disparity between what one identifies as an EN, and what one sees in himself?

That's awful.

I can't imagine saying that to someone I loved. And comparisons are gross to me anyway, and kind of a pet peeve of mine. It may be normal for a man to find different women attractive, but I really don't want to hear about it. It can be quite hurtful.

I agree. Ugh.