Thanks Pep, sometimes even I still have trouble calling a spade a spade.

Mymissy, what a BEAUTIFUL letter. Wonderful.

Thanks Scotty.
Letter has been sent to all three and I will be having dinner with the twins Tuesday evening.

I have spoken to DstepD several times this weekend; she wanted several recipes for her superbowl party. That made me feel really good that she called me to get those from, actually her brother told her to ask me if I would make the things they like and bring them up to them but she thought with my recipes that she could make it just as good.

At this point I cherish what contact I have with them - I hope it will only continue to grow as it has been over the past several months.

I do feel that I have been a point of stability in their lives.
Thanks everyone for helping me continue that.

My missy,

Great letter and I am sure they will feel some stability in their chaos with their parents. Don't be surprised if one or two of them take you up on the offer.

You are doing a great job. Blessings.

This truely is a treasure that will grow as long as your heart is open to them. They are extremely blessed to have you in their lives.

Just wanted to pop in. I do keep up on your thread yet. You are doing so great in all of this.

nESRE

Hi missy!

I don't think I've ever posted to you before, but I just wanted to tell you something I have learned from my own life experience.

First, a little back-story (very abridged)- I'm adopted, as were all my siblings-5 total (including my twin-John. We were lucky enough to be adopted together). Here's what I have learned from this life experience: Family isn't just about blood relations...sometimes you "make" your family.

Here's a poem that my mom shared with me:

"Not flesh of my flesh,
or bone of my bone,
but still somehow miraculously,
my own.

Don't forget, not for a minute,
you weren't born under my heart,
but in it."

You're a hero in my eyes

Well, have had a few updates; DstepK crazy mother moved back in with affairage spouse.
Basically kids are upset because they know she is only doing this because of what they said to her. DstepD21 plans to tell her mom not to move back on their account and that they know she will only repeat her actions.
What craziness they have in their lives; I'm glad they are at college and rarely at home anymore.

2nd update; I have finally adopted a second dog - a 5 year old female powderpuff Chinese crested. She was in foster care for 18 months. She and my other Chinese crested are tentatively getting along.
We are only at the 24 hour mark, so far it looks good.
I have also applied to volunteer with Crest-Care the crested rescue organization.

So that, along with my job, and taking care of 2 dogs should start to fill my days even more.

I have also decided to put myself back in counseling; I seem to be having an extremely tough time letting go emotionally. I am tired of being sad, so this seems like an appropriate avenue. Not sure a counselor can tell me anything I already don't know in my head, but worth a shot.

I may not be the best one to talk about this with where I am currently at but it sounds like the stages of grief. YOUR human!!! We all hopefully work through them at our own pace and order to get to personal recovery. Doesn't sound like your stuck maybe just need some help.

A good IC will help to insure you don't get stuck. Your right-It is all inside of you-Sometimes we just need someone IRL to bounce what we already know off of. Almost more like a coach to keep us going and accountable.

I don't spend much time on the D/D'd thread but maybe others there have more insight into this that would be helpful. Not sure but might be worth a try.

nESRE

Thanks johnstwin, that is a beautiful poem.

Thanks Nesre, sometimes I forget that. I think I just want things "better", period.
And it all still seems so unfair and surreal.

Well apparently the crap still just doesn't stop.

I have decided this spring to get new LR furniture; I am giving the current furniture to DstepK's21 for college apartments. They seemed pretty excited about getting nice furniture.
So, then they go home last weekend and DstepD has her hair done by my SIL and proceeds to say that "she doesn't want the furniture; she is mad that I demanded and insisted on taking it and leaving her father with an empty house, and if I wanted it so bad, why was I now getting rid of it; etc, etc".

I would like to think that DstepK are smart enough and savvy enough to look at both sides and determine the truth. But these do sound like her daddy's words. (just for the record, I never demanded or insisted on any of the household furnishings, POSXWH is who divided the furniture and when I moved, that was the furniture I took)

What bugs me the most in this is the fact that in all that has been lost and destroyed and all the people that were hurt - are a couple of pieces of furniture really the important focus??? The second part of this is if those are her fathers words what does he really gain by attempting to drive a wedge in our relationship??

Now this information has come to me 3rd party - by my brother. And I always have to take anything my SIL says with a grain of salt; 1st she only hears what she wants to hear and 2nd she never relays it correctly - its always exaggerated.

Do I bring this up to the kids and set the record straight (I could show them the first draft of legal separation that their dad did behind my back), do I let it go and not mention it at all???

Any advice appreciated.

I wouldn't bring it up.

You will constantly have little statements make their way to you that are not nice or accurate and you must just see them for what they are..... people making innacurate/incomplete judgements. Period.

Thanks Reading, that is the direction I was leaning in.

I agree as well. You were giving the furniture out of love. If the furniture winds up in your WXH's house, you won't know because you are in Plan B. Don't let the words of another change your actions. You are a great person. And IF WXH IS trying to put a wedge in your DstepKids and your R, he will be the one who suffers as his children will see what kind of man he really is. You are amazing.

Thanks Scotty, I just needed some reassurance.

Well had dinner last night with the kids; no mention of furniture, no mention of being upset.?.
The conversation did turn briefly about their crazy mother (she did not move back in with affairage spouse and continues to live with AP, she is filing for divorce). I don't remember what brought up the subject; but I asked if they really thought that she would be happy in her current R. They responded - I would hope so, but probably not. I then asked did they think that WXH and POSOW would live happily ever after, and DstepD responded - I would like to think so.
I kept my comments in...I feel as though DstepD wants to say - but they are happy, just doesn't want to hurt my feelings.
However, the impression that I get occasionally from OW H is that things are not perfect and happy in affairland.
But I am in dark plan B and do not know those things.
I am beginning to realize how important absolutely letting no information in truly is.

My fear for DstepK is that the craziness they have been subjected to - as children and now as adults - has actually become the norm for them. They are hoping that their dad will be happy in his current R, not acknowledging the devastation caused to get their. And like the rest of that dysfunctional family, they have learned to not acknowledge what they see, not call a spade a spade, accept lies and deception.

I think that all I can do is set the best example I can for them and hope/pray for the best. IDK anymore.

Mymissy, it is sad that people learn to accept things that they actually thought immoral at one time. I was talking to a co-worker on Sunday. I happened to talk about my WH and the A. She said, "Do your children know about the A?" I said, "Of course they do. They need to know not to like OW and that she helped destroy their family." Her eyes bugged out, I could tell that she didn't like that. I don't care though. Then she said, "Well because my H and I are separated, and we have a GF and Bf but it wasn't because of an A." That's when MY eyes bugged out. No A? They are still married and are "dating" other people, sounds like and A to me. Then, in response to me stating that MOST As end within 2 years, she says, without any misgivings, "My dad has been with his OW for more years than he was with my mom." So, she saw it growing up and grew to believe that it was acceptable.

Your DstepK may one day be faced with an opportunity to enter into an A, my only wish is that they will remember YOU and NOT do it(even though their parents have given them HORRIBLE examples of what to do).

Thanks Scotty, I don't believe that I ever mentioned on my own thread; but have recently posted it on another thread. But my parents divorced when I was 20, my brothers were in high school and junior high; I was living on my own 2 hours away and in college.

They divorced due to an A my father had; he married his AP and the affairage has now been 20+ years. So while they have not fallen to the statistics; I would say they are not happy either.
My father has never let my mother go, and early on in his affairage he was technically having an A with my mother. Now while my mother no longer allows "that" to go on; he is still there anytime my "stepmother" is out of town, he hangs out at my mom's house. ?????
Basically they are comfortable roommates who enjoy a lifestyle together; but I don't see any real love or connection. Kind of sad especially when you go back the 20+ years and look at what each other gave up.

Eeewwwhhh, is all I can say then and now regarding what my dad was doing.

Now while I still love my dad and actually get along very well with my "stepmother"; I can honestly say that I don't love her and I wouldn't want anything bad to happen to her; but that is as far as my feelings go.

The point I am babbling to get to is this - even though my mother is better off without him, she has never really moved forward - I use her as an example of how I don't want my life. The other part is - I HAVE NO RESPECT FOR MY FATHER OR STEPMOTHER - AND NEVER WILL. I actually told my father many years ago to leave mom alone and let her get on with her life. He obviously didn't listen.

I used what I saw and tried to model my own life around what I thought to be right and wrong; and the examples I wanted to set. While POSWXH and I were dating; I would never spend the night on the weekends he had the kids. I never wanted to give them the wrong impression. I did not "officially" move in to the house until after we were engaged and were only a few weeks away from the actual wedding date.

Now I look at what he and POSOW are doing (she is still married and he was still married when he moved her in); they was no regard for the 3 little kids, and the example for my DstepK once again is chock full of crap.

IDK if they will remember the small example I have tried to set for them and continued to give them.
This is when I think that "nice guys really do finish last"; I hope not.

Well, no wayward, A, or divorce stuff to report. All is quiet on the pregnant WW front. That is good.
Nothing to report on the DstepK either - all seems good.
Little hard this week; POSXWH's b-day was yesterday. I still can't believe it has been a whole year since everything turned so ugly.

I have to ask; is it normal for a WW - XWH or otherwise to close all contact with the BS? I read some of the other thread's and see that the WW bounces back and forth, attempts occasional contact, stirs the pot, etc. In my case, he appeared to make a choice/decision and then that was it.
I guess in the plan B/D that is good; but it makes me wonder - was I such a horrible spouse? I didn't think so, I always based anything I did on how it impacted "us". Was POSOW a better choice? His lies came back to bite him and his life is no longer what he used to want. But yet he continues on this path.
These are the things I struggle with; I continue to self blame for all that happened.

Still struggling with moving forward; I feel stuck.

All human questions you have.

Re-focus on how what he thinks, what he thinks....ultimately doesn't matter.

He does not define you.