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#24823 10/27/99 09:39 PM
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To all of you who responded so lovingly to my post regarding the mess I've gotten myself in...<BR><BR>I know this has to do with my lack of self esteem, but I don't know how to regain what I never really had. Since I was VERY young, I never felt "whole" unless there was a man in my life. Pretty pathetic, I know. But I know some of the reasons why. My father was absent most of my life, I turned to another male who ended up abusing me, and it was pretty much a cycle after that. Now my current H was not abusive at all, but emotionally absent.<BR><BR>So in the wee hours I am wondering how do I get where I need to be? How do I get self esteem when I let myself count on others to give it to me.? Spoke to my counselor briefly tonite about it. She says I am sending out some sort of radar that attracts all the wrong types. I am a "giver" and they are "takers" in different ways. Then that confuses me, because I know I am needy, so how can I be a "giver"? <BR><BR>I am a reasonbly attractive woman for 47. Every thinks I am much younger. And I attract younger men. I don't mean to flirt, and I have been told by several men lately (and in the past) that there is something in my eyes that draws them in. I am unaware of what this is. As a joke, I even went out with a friend wearing shades, so I couldn't be accused of flirting. I need to learn how to build a wall, some sort of defense against the need to be with someone. I will be discussing this in depth with my counselor, but any advice from you guys would be great. Does anyone know if there are support groups for emotionally needy people. I don't think I am a sex addict, at least not yet. But to be honest, put a few drinks in me and I may go over the edge. This is a recent thing. <BR><BR>I wonder if this is a phase, just another reaction to the pain, the loss of a life and a love I so believed in. It's becoming like a drug to me...attention, just a few moments of numbness.<BR><BR>Am I the most f**ked up one here??????

#24824 10/27/99 10:22 PM
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Against the Wind -- I am afraid that I have no answers for you other than to tell you that NO you are not the most f**ed up person here.<P>I will however offer you my prayers.<P>God Bless

#24825 10/28/99 12:35 AM
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ATW-<P>No, you are not the most F#^ked person here. You have taken a huge step in finding out who you are. You are realizing that you 'think' you need someone (a man) to make you whole.<P>My suggestion to you would be, start saying NO. If it doesn't feel comfortable-Don't do it. You need to understand that YOU make your own happiness. It is a difficult concept, but you can only control yourself.<P>You need to hold your head up high. You need to tell yourself over and over again that YOU ARE WORTHY. YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON. YOU CAN MAKE IT ON YOUR OWN.<P>Fake it until you make it, like the saying goes. Self esteem starts when you feel good about yourself.<P>I'm sending you a BIG cyber-hug {{{{{ATW}}}}. You control yourself. You can do this. I know you can. <P>Put a smile on your face. Do something REALLY REALLY nice for you!!!<P>I'm praying for you. Take care.<P>Gob Bless,<P>Cheryl

#24826 10/28/99 01:44 AM
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Hi ATW -<P>I think the first thing to do until you have worked through some things is to <BR>STOP going out to bars and clubs!!!<P>What is the reason for going there if not to meet people and especially men?<P>That is a BIG contributor!!! <P>Time to start doing other things..there is nothing and noone at these places that you need!!!<P>Time to socialize elsewhere!!!! Perhaps choose something that would provide entertainment as well as promote self esteem and Physical activity!!<P>Something like : taking a Tai Chi class or learning golf or tennis or ice skating!!!! Play raquetball or volleyball or softball.<P>The bar scene is not good for you at this time.....if at all.<P>Is there a parent's without partner's group around...even though I don't particularly like that kind of "group" stuff (could turn a little crutchy!) it is a better alternative to what you've been doing.<P>Hope these suggestions help some...you have to make some changes and this is something to start with!!<P>Hugs, Strength and Prayers,<P>Sheba<P>

#24827 10/28/99 08:54 AM
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ATW<P>OMG!!! Someone else who grew up like I did - and "dealt with it" the same way. But it doesn't make you f+$*ed up, and you don't need a man to be whole. Advice? Well, for what it's worth I derive a great amount of satisfaction from my work. It's something I do very well, I've earned the respect of those I work with and it keeps my mind off current events. It certainly keeps me out of "trouble". I understand that your son is older, so you're not tied to the house in the evenings as I am (mine are only 6, 11, and 12). I do chat on the IM during the day and some evenings; it's fun to meet people but one has to know what lines not to cross. <P>Bars and clubs should be avoided at all costs... you won't find any keepers in there anyway. As I said before, it would be in your best interest not to get involved until you're okay with you by yourself and when getting involved has nothing to do with any of the men previously in your life, or what the did or didn't do.<P>Have you thought about a class or two at the community college? An athletic club? I know it's tough to get started - and you can probably think of a hundred reasons not to, but when it comes right down to it there is no reason not to and you really will be glad you got involved in something like that.<P>------------------<BR>Bobbie<P>

#24828 10/28/99 10:54 AM
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Lots of good advice here and suggestions for other things to do with my life. I have already made the decision to avoid where he works. Hard to do, because it is a place my girlfriends and I enjoy. I seem to be the only one who has trouble avoiding getting entangled tho. My girlfriends are not looking for anyone, they just come out for dinner and a few drinks. So we will change the place to a different one. One where we can sit at a booth and just talk "girl talk".<BR><BR>I was all set to meet OM today, just to tell him how he messed with my head, but decided against it. I will make myself scarce. Going to keep VERY busy today, some quiet time for me, putting my home in order, etc. Luckily I have good female friends and a few male friends that are really platonic. I also chat with a woman online, and we have become great friends, she has even spent the weekend with me. So we'll see what kind of will power I can develope. <BR><BR>Thanks for the concern and prayers, I consider you all my good friends too.

#24829 10/29/99 04:02 PM
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Hi ATW,<P>Haven't posted for awhile but yours caught my eye. Hope I can help by sharing some thoughts, even if only a little bit.<P>First off, geez you seem pretty normal to me! Needy? Doesn't sound like you're moreso than most of us.*wink* We alllllll have our days.<P>Some of the other folks have posted good stuff to you already. And, I'll motion to accept. Yep, I'm in agreement. Gal, you've got to do what you can to validate yourself. Some of the things you've shared with us seem like there are times when you set yourself up to be disappointed.<P>Here... I have GOT to believe you've got many, many good qualities. Even thru the medium of this electronic text, I know LOTS of good things about you. Examples: you're loving, fun, articulate, lively, considerate, etc., etc., etc. And, yep, I'd bet you are physically attractive. Sooooooooo, what's not to like? *wink* Get comfy with yourself! You've so much to offer.<P>As for that "radar" thing....well, I do believe in it as well. And, I don't believe it's necessarily a bad thing. But, in the wrong environment, our needs to be loving and caring and intimate can be abused. Could happen to any of us.<P>As for eye contact, it is very important. So much is conveyed even by little things such as holding a glance a fraction longer. But, I think the other gals are right. In a drinking environment, it can be misleading.<P>Now I'm no teetotaller. I've spent more than a little time in that environment during my 20+ year working career. Yet, I've never picked up a woman in a bar. Never wanted to. But, I sure as hell know how it's done and I've been in plenty of those situations. I've known friends who have gone with the moment...both men and women...and, like you, they usually end up feeling unfulfilled afterwards. It's too easy to let down one's inhibitions. So, yup. I agree the local pub's not the ideal place for bumping into interesting guys.<P>And the sex thang? Are you not comfortable with that sexual side of yourself? Sex can be such a joyful thing. Such a way to connect and be expressive. From my perspective, I'm gonna stick my neck out and say most of us don't even really learn what it's all about until our late 30s or early 40s.<P>Being "sexy" is such a state of mind! And...well... here goes...sharing one of my deep secrets... [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] For this almost-45 year-old guy, the confidence and vitality shown by a woman is ohhhhhhh so sexy! Know who is sexy to me? Bonnie Raitt. Oh yah! And, what's she? Almost 50?<P>So, I don't think your sexual desire is a bad thing. It's really hard for me to see you as a sex addict. Just a normal woman who would really enjoy connecting with a decent guy.<P>And yanoo? There's a lotta decent guys out there. You'll bump into one. Maybe even a bunch! But, the other folks are right... you'll get a much better perspective on which ones are decent and which ones are jerks if you see them without "beer goggles". Know what those are? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I'll betcha you can figure 'em out!<P>Hope this little bit of levity helps a bit. I know you to be a fine gal. Would you agree?<P>

#24830 10/29/99 05:27 PM
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Hey Duncan-<P>What a wonderful post. I don't know if it helps ATW, but it sure helped me.<BR>I remember the one thing my H said before he walked out the door 3 1/2 mths ago. He told me that the sexiest thing about me was my confidence and my ability to hold my head high is the face of adversity. <BR>You post just reminded me of that. <BR>Thank You, Duncan, for making my evening.<P>Cheryl<BR>

#24831 10/29/99 06:08 PM
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Excellent post Dunc!<P>ATW, There are some good guys out there. Don't give up hope. You sound like quite a loving lady to me. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>How do I get self esteem when I let myself count on others to give it to me.?<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>Wow, I struggle with this. I have found that mt emotional state has always been in my wife's hands and I didn't know that. If she's up I'm up - if she's down I'm even lower. <P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>I am a reasonbly attractive woman for 47. Every thinks I am much younger. And I attract younger men. <HR></BLOCKQUOTE>This doesn't sound like you have a self esteem problem to me. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com] I think your self esteem is doing just fine.<P> <BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Am I the most f**ked up one here??????<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>No. The f**ked ones are those who aren't here. <P>God Bless, <P>SHA<p>[This message has been edited by Sir Hurts Alot (edited October 29, 1999).]

#24832 10/29/99 06:31 PM
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I often wonder about this "radar" thing. When I first started lurking on this board, I was surprised to read a number of people voice the opinion that it wasn't a good idea for married people to have opposite sex friends. I've had a number of male friends, people of both sexes are forever telling me way more about their personal life than I need to know, I rarely wore my wedding ring because it didn't fit well, yet I have not been "hit on" in 25 years, or at least if I was I didn't notice. I'm average-looking, but you so often see even less-than-average-looking women attracting men like flies, so I don't think it has much to do with beauty. Do some people emit "safe" vibes and others emit "dangerous but exciting" ones?

#24833 10/29/99 08:17 PM
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Hey there all,<P>Me again. I'm on a roll here so might as well post while I'm hot, eh? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>Thanks very much SHA and Ceecee. But, you all already knew what I said. Heck, most people have that kind of intuition. Just need some encouragement once in awhile. And btw SHA, nice post your own self! Especially the part about the people who aren't here. And Ceecee? I loved your post as well.<P>I agree with Nellie about the "vibes". Yep, there are those people who do give them off. I'm pretty distant with female co-workers. I don't hug much and heaven forbid, never exchange a kiss, no even an air one. I've always followed a "hands off" policy except for those who know me quite well. Also helps if they know Suse too.<P>I've been real careful over the years not to flirt. I treat female colleagues and wives of male colleagues as respected equals. Instinctively, everyone knows the difference. Funny how they do, eh? I'm off limits, and there's no doubt about it.<P>One last thought to share before going... Suse and her sister used to talk about her brother-in-law and myself being totally unaware of women making "flirty eyes" at us. And, I'd say for many years, she was right. There was no way I was even going to look. With maturity, sometimes I'll politelly smile at someone, then go about my business. Off limits. No doubt about it.<P>Most of us can tell when there's a hint of interest. And, for those among us who are interested? Wellllll, we kinda let it be known too. Been there, done that, I'm embarrassed to say. *shrug*<P>Take care all.

#24834 10/29/99 10:38 PM
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I appreciate all you guys have offered. I feel like I am in something I can't seem to walk away from. Maybe my story can be an ongoing lesson in why affairs don't work. OK, so I caved in. I said I wouldn't see him. But I felt the need to confront him about his lousy treatment of me. His sudden disappearance. And he told me we need to "talk". I said "fine" whenever. But he left me feeling that he cared. I get a call in the wee hours, he says he misses me, but if this is to continue we need to talk about his feelings. He says he suddently freaked, and he admits he handled this badly. Not getting in touch with me. So I leave it to him, tell him I am here. And he says I am every guys "wet dream". The woman who gives and asks nothing in return. WOW, do I feel good or what. He asks me if I will come in (tonite) and I say YES. I should have it tattooed on my head "stupid *****". So I went there tonite with friends, and he gives me his "look" and a wink. But no conversation, no nothing. I tell myself thats because the other manager is on duty, and he has been getting grief over how he is acting around me. My friends and I leave, and run into him in the parking lot. He teases but doesn't say he will call or anything. This totally sucks. And I allow myself to play right into it. He gives me just enough to come back, it's like a drug. Now I know days will go by, with me in agony, and I feel powerless to end it. But it's killing me. Has anyone else in an intense affair felt this way.. It's like a drug. Last nite when he called, I felt positivly HIGH. Now I feel like crap. And powerless to walk away with a shred of dignity.<BR><BR>This is like a diary for me... I am being totally honest in hopes that it will help someone.<BR><BR>

#24835 10/30/99 02:39 AM
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Against the Wind,<BR>I know what it is like to keep giving and giving and giving, hoping to get love in return. When he said you were the perfect woman, gives everything and asking nothing in return, that wasn't a compliment. That shows his character. What he is saying is "I want something for nothing, and you are just the woman to give it to me". He is showing that with his actions too. You have ALOT of love to give, but the fact that you are so frustrated shows that you *do* expect something in return. You've just been throwing your efforts at the wrong men. Don't feel bad that you tried. There is nothing wrong with trying to be a loving, giving person. Just cut your losses from those who have little or nothing to offer in return for your love. Your time is valuable, your love is valuable.

#24836 10/30/99 09:18 AM
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Sounds a lot like my stbx.... give give give give give (for 15 years!!). And I ate up whatever scrap of affection he'd throw my way in return and be happy as a lark to have that. And I thought that's how it was supposed to be - he WAS my HUSBAND after all! Yeah, I was the best thing that ever had or ever would happen to him (his words, and oh-so-true). But that is NOT how it's supposed to be and I know it... now. I had to get far enough away from him to recognize that.<P>You know it, too! Is that where you <I>want</I> to be? YOU DESERVE BETTER! Do whatever it takes - call blocking, get an unlisted number, don't go where he works - so what if it's a place you and your friends enjoyed going? It doesn't sound like it's much fun anymore! Go visit friends out of town for a couple of weeks to get you past the worst of it. Just get away from this NOW before it gets harder than it already is. You can see that it's poison - do it before you no longer recognize it for what it is.<P>Do it for YOU!<P>------------------<BR>Bobbie<P>


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