New to the sight. My divorce is to become final on May the 18th. Have been married for seven years, and about two months ago my wife said we needed to legally seperate. Shocked, I replied why not just get a divorce. Not the best reaction i agree, it just came out. It took me a week to write a "love letter from the bottom of my heart that I wanted us to try and really give our marriage an honest shot. About a week later she came over and said she had to do whats best for her and we needed a divorce. We have always been the best of friends and don't even really argue. We have no kids and never planned on them. (she is unable ) Like most marriages we had our ups and downs, alot more ups than downs in my eyes. She told me this fall that she needed me to show her how much I loved her, but at the time I wasn't sure if I did anymore. So by not doing the things I now realize I should have ( I do love her w/ all my heart). She said she is no longer "in" love and that we "have to go our seperate ways, she can't take it anymore. There was one time when I wasn't there for her and although she says she has forgiven me she cannot forget. i know my wife very well and I am not the first person she is letting go because I don't believe it is in her to truly forgive. It's different for everyone I know but she has lost almost every girlfriend she has ever known for what I consider "small incedences" Counseling is out of the question and things are happening very fast! She says we have a very special friendship and nothing more. I don't want to go without a fight yet she says there is nothing to fight for. It seems to me that too many couples now a days think things will be greener on the other side than to really work on what you have or had. All of my friends and everyone except her father think we're making a big mistake by not trying. So, do I take my lessons learned and move on,because she won't even listen to the idea of reconciliation or somehow find a way to make her realize that what we've shared is worth fighting for even though she won't even talk about it. Any thoughts would be greatly appreciated!

RJZ,

Welcome on board,

In my mind you need to decide right now if you want to fight for your wife or give up on the marriage, Not a decision to take lightly, I think the fact that all your friends think your marriage is worth saving and that you say you sill love her, lends me to think you should fight.

90% of the people here have had an affair (A) in their marriage, usually by a Wayward Spouse (WS or WW,WH). You may be a victim of that and be unaware of it. Certainly it will complicate a recovery if it has occurred but recoveries happen all the time!!!

I am sure the grass is not greener on the other side. more likely wilted and brown. I think you both will be happier if you can save the marriage,

I would start with HER NEEDS HIS NEEDS, by Dr Harley, read everything you can on the web site, other posters will chime in soon with other suggestions. there is a lot of great advise on this site, just keep posting and it will help you to choose a path that is right for you.

Thanks for your reply. You may be right about infidelity, it has crossed my mind, we both hold very strong morals and I'm not in denial but would bet very highly against it.Thanks again

When you say "Signed the papers"


do you mean the divorce is final???

No it is not final. We agreed to be civil and not involve attorneys even though she works for one. Which in my opinion makes the whole situation easier for her because she deals with Divorce on a daily basis. We are scheduled for our hearing on May 18th.

You guys still in the same house together??

You may also want to consider Fall in Love, Stay in Love, also by Dr. Harley.

It sounds to me like love has never really been a part of your marriage. At least not for a while.

Have not been living together since Dec. She moved to her parents about an hour away. The only communication we really use is texting about financial stuff and she comes down once a week to see our dog. When she is here there is some small talk but nohting about us.

There really hasn't been for about a year. I questioned for quite awhile my feelings towards her and put very little effort into our marriage. Hind site is definately 20/20.

RJZ,

I'm with Fred on the book choice, it will be a good place to start.

So, which way do you want to go ??????

Win her back or let her go????

Hi RJZ, welcome!

The first thing you need to rule out is if there is an affair. MOST of the spouses asking for divorce are doing so because they're in an affair, even if it's just emotional and it hasn't gone physical. MOST go physical quickly.

Since she moved an hour away, it'll be harder for you to find out, but a PI can.

I would definitely find out if there's someone else involved first. The advice you will get will be better with this information.

I am very sorry you are going through this. It's all such a waste.