My wife is a alcoholic and been going to aa meetings about 12 years ago. I relaized about 7 months ago she is addicted to hydrocodone a narcotic presciption medication, just like heroin. I found out through my daughters that my wife had a affair with a gut from aa about 5 years ago and her former sponsee confirmed this. She wants a divorce while addicted to narcotics, had a affair and goes out 7 nites a week to aa meetings dressed like her teenage daughters, I go to al-anon, any suggestions?

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Welcome to MB, Tony.

Dr Harley writes that he will cannot help a couple restore their marriage if there is an alcohol addiction:

One of the first things I do when couples see me for counseling is to evaluate them for drug and alcohol addiction. If I feel that either is addicted at the time, I refer the addicted spouse to a treatment program. The Love Buster, drug or alcohol addiction, will prevent them from resolving their marital conflicts because it controls them. It must be eliminated before marital therapy has any hope of being successful.

My job as a marriage counselor begins after successful treatment and sobriety. If the addicted spouse refuses treatment, then I direct the unaddicted spouse to Alanon or some other support group for spouses of alcoholics. Sometimes, I encourage an intervention.

That's what I learned to do after discovering that an alcoholic is so much in love with alcohol, that while in the state of addiction, there is no way for them to consider their spouse's feelings whenever they make decisions, a necessary condition for a great marriage. Alcohol always comes first, even when it is at the spouse's expense.

Full article here.

That was good, I do go to al-anon. I agree unless the addiction is dealt with , nothing else will work. the problem with addictions are the denials, some say they have to hit rock bottom first. i am reading a lot about exsposure, what do you think of exposing both the affair and addiction.

Others with experience of alcoholism will know more, but my understanding is that the alcoholic will not care about exposure of the affair. Equally, if I read Dr Harley correctly, she might not care about exposure of the alcoholism:

That's what I learned to do after discovering that an alcoholic is so much in love with alcohol, that while in the state of addiction, there is no way for them to consider their spouse's feelings whenever they make decisions, a necessary condition for a great marriage. Alcohol always comes first, even when it is at the spouse's expense.

Exposure works, really, by shaming the WS. When daylight is shed on the fantasy of the secret, thrilling relationship, and when disgust and hurt is shown by family, friends and employers, the affair loses a great deal of its lustre.

However, from what Dr Harley is saying above, the alcoholic does not care for anything, including the opinions of others, as much as she cares for the alcohol.

That doesn't mean that there is no point in exposing both addictions, but perhaps you should not expect immediate results. Exposing the alcoholism, though, could be the start of the "intervention" that Dr Harley mentions.

Thanks! I think my issue is more the addiction to alcohol and narcotics, i think she stopped drinking and just switched addictions. I do believe her new friends in aa have no idea of the paper trail of narcotics, what is the feeling of expsoing that to try and get her help, i would think the more people not fooled the better chance of going for recovery?

Tony, I would expose it wide and far. It will take quite a bit to get her out of fantasy land and exposing it is part of that. How does she get her drugs? From a doctor? If so, I would call him up and tell him she is alcoholic who is abusing drugs. If she is getting it on the black market, I would call her dealer and threaten her, maybe even give her name to the DEA.

The best thing you can do with an active addict is go into Plan B, which is complete separation. That will help her hit bottom faster.

Gets them from several doctors, think they are all cutting her off since i wrote them all letters as advised from my attorney.We also have 3 teenagers, and she ios pushing the divorce and i do not want to leave kids with a active addict. thanks

Oh absolutely, don't leave. I would have your attorney file for either legal separation or divorce and get her out. Get possession of your home and custody of the children. Tell everyone about her drug addiction and her affair.

Once you do that, I would send her a love letter telling her you will give her an opportunity to earn your forgiveness if she a) quits doping, b) quits AA meetings , c) ends her affair and d) commits to the marriage. Until she does that, tell her not to contact you. Unless she does those things, she is dangerous to you.

Is the OM married? Who is this guy? I would raise holy hell on his side too. Expose him to his family and friends, via facebook if he has one. Alcoholics are wimps so he will run at the first sign of trouble.

Good for you for notifying the doctors!

Hey Tony

Sorry you find yourself here and welcome.

Just a couple of questions.

Do you have any type of physical proof that you could secure that she is taking the drugs? Old bottles...something?

Has she filed for D? Can you fill us in a little about ages of children and years M'd and such.

Thanks

nESRE

Thanks. Yes i have her prescription list which shows several narcotics and several doctors, was told by professionals that the narcotics along with muscle relaxers is a deadly combination. The list shows the doctors and progression of narcotics. She wanted the divorce, i actuall filed in aug. 2010, pending. the kids are 15,17,19. The affair was about 5 years ago.
We been married 21 years, she ben going to aa for about 12 . thanks so much!

Hi Tony,
Glad you looked us up. Guess who (you will know from my bio below!)

Welcome. You will get great advice from these good people here. Any help I can give you or the kids let me know.

We are all in this together....blessings.

Tony, when you get through to the other side of this, you really need to be more active in her recovery process.

Recovering addicts overwhelmingly make poor decisions over and over, and one of those is jumping into relationships; even relationships as inappropriate as an affair.

You should also examine the fact that she has a support system that would aid her in having an affair, which is every bit as destructive to her life as her substance abuse.

She is pretty deep into addiction; first alcohol, then the inappropriate relationships, and now vicodin. You have a real, true addict to deal with, and it's not going to be easy to salvage anything so long as she can keep transferring her addiction to unhealthy behaviors and substances.

It's time for intervention, and in-patient treatment - and when it's done, relocation.

So Tony, she is not having an affair now? I misunderstood you and thought this was ongoing. Does she still see the OM?

Why does she take the pain killers? Or rather, what is the reason the doctors give them to her?

Thanks Melodylane,
No she broke it off about 5 years ago, he m oved away but is back now but only goes to mens aa meetings because he ruined a lot of familys and feels bad, the poor guy. She takes paine killers because she likes the high and maybe blocking the pain from what she has done. The doctors gave them to her because they went by her saying she is in pain and new what she was looking for, narcotics. when one doctor cut her off she went to the next, then found one that let her progress. She claimed it was for a car accident at one time, then said she was not taking them but saving for car lawsuit and gave them to her attorney. If she told this story at a aa meeting they would laugh. thnaks

Hi Tony,

I agree with the above. It seems like you are attempting to deal with this on your own. With an alcohilic and prescription drug addict that is nearly impossible. I think the family intervention thing regarding her drug addictions is the most important thing now, and hopefully that will lead to either in-patient or out-patient intensive treatment at this time. I would urge you to call a family intervention and get her into treatment. You and she cannot deal with the affair or any other matters while she is under the influence and control of substance abuse.

Tom

While it's rather "big" of you to have sympathy, this was just another thing that has wrecked your marriage, and complicated your life.

Again, you have a really bad addict on your hand, and quite honestly if some major work doesn't happen, she is going to go right off the end of the board, friendo.

In all seriousness, this needs to be nipped right in the bud. There is one poster here who knows the end of this road directly, and I got to watch it happen to my XBIL (ex brother-in-law).

SHE CAN'T DO IT ON HER OWN. Even rock bottom may not be enough. Not to mention, if she slides too far, she will go back to alcohol - and the abuse of alcohol is measurably more physiologically destructive to the bodies of women than that of men.

You and your children need to stage an intervention and get her checked into in-patient treatment RIGHT NOW.

You might even work a peer exposure with her AA circle if you feel that will have any influence.

AA can be an awesome program, but it is only as awesome as your peers and your sponsers, and your own application of those principals; all of that requires direct, radical honesty.

Your thread title is "aa affair". Is it possible that OM has weaseled his way back into contact? How do you know he "feels bad"?