My personal problem is that I work in a job where I finally accepted that I have to be masculine to actually get the job done, but by nature I am very feminine, so people who like me on-duty don't like my natural "off duty" personality and vice versa.

If I may throw in my two cents, I like a man who is strong, assertive, and able to make decisions. He doesn�t necessarily have to be an �alpha-male bad-boy jerk� but he needs to be confident in himself and his abilities. And I, too, prefer a man who does most of the planning and pursuing. That may level out over time, because I came from a relationship where I did everything and I have a couple friends whose husbands fawn over them. They do all kinds of stuff for these two girls- get their car fixed, build their websites, etc. And I want that. I am a very strong woman in many ways, but when I come home I want to feel protected and safe and be the �nurturer.� I just hope that�s not unrealistic.

I'm not sure how to respond to this.

Having just "escaped" from a relationship with a BPD woman, there is a dangerous susceptibility I have to want to be the "rescuer" or "white knight."

If she had been overtly needy or "waif"-ish as I've heard it described, I might have been more reluctant to try to be a savior. But she was actually quite clever (as disordered people must learn to be) and painted herself as quite the able person and "survivor" of a horrible past.

There were some (my DD among them) who saw her more for who she was than I did. I had one person tell me directly, "she's only out for your money." That I didn't think I had a lot of money only made me more dismissive. (DD later told me, "when you come from nothing and have nothing, Dad, what you have seems like an awful lot.") As a result, I was much more the "savior" than I ever intended to be! Or thought I was being.

So, while I have a strong urge to be Mr. Manly and the fixer-of-all-things, I find I have to resist that urge, or place myself in the position of being "taken" again.

(I often write about my struggle to achieve "balance." Here it is again...)

You're right about that...I was taken in marriage too... in fact, my ex told me one time that the reason he did me wrong the way he did is that he knew not only would I take it, but I'd bust my bum trying to fix whatever mess he caused. Why he told me that, I�ll never know, but it wasn�t long before I made plans to leave him.

On the other hand, after reading your thread and knowing that I would certainly like the pace at which you proceeded with Dancer girl and would be one to reciprocate (in other ways), a girl can certainly hope you have a brother out west ;-)

The guy I'm now dating has given me a small gift on almost every date we've had. Nothing planned or extravagant, and usually spur of the moment (ooh, look at that stuffed tiger, let me get that for you). It feels more like an expression of strong emotion he's feeling, and not like he's trying to buy my affection. So far I�ve only rejected one gift, and that wasn�t because I didn�t appreciate the sentiment, but because I honestly didn�t have use for it and I don�t like to be wasteful.

This has been the most fun guy I�ve ever dated because a) he�s one of extremely few guys who�ve overcome my attraction issues, and b) he�s very strong, assertive, and does not need me to support him financially or otherwise. After being �taken� myself, it�s a refreshing experience. I just hope it lasts, but even if it doesn�t I will enjoy it!

Daisy, I can't find in this thread anything that spells out what your "attraction issues" might be. Care to elucidate?

Just curious - how could you tell she had BPD?

It's a long story, Isabeau. I tell it all in my thread. But the short version is that after she "flipped" on me and I came to MB, some of the veterans here helped me put the pieces together that explained her transformational behavior.

I then did a lot of research and even counseled with a psychiatrist who, although no clinical diagnosis could be performed, indicated a "strong possibility" of a diagnosis.

Combined with the fact that her daughter had been clinically diagnosed BPD, and that out of the nine symptoms listed in the DSM-IV, she most definitely exhibited eight (and one could make the argument that she even skirted the ninth - self-mutilation - by her "cosmetic" changes), a strong case can be made for such a claim.

Finally, her history, multiple marriages, financial irresponsibility , job losses and the fact that her ex-H had successfully sued for custody of their children all were strong indicators that something was not quite "right" with my WxW. Finally, she has an eerie inability to feel remorse.

I was the perfect "prey" for her, too. I had been single for eleven years, I was very uncertain about my ability to have and maintain a relationship (duh - you think my thread on this forum is just so I can exercise my typing skills?) and so she "molded" herself to be my ideal woman, partner and spouse. As a result, I was also perfectly willing to overlook and ignore the .

It was a sham - and from my research on PDI, very predictable. Just like waywards all seem to read from the same script, PDI also have a version all their own!

Hi Fred, most of my story from when my marriage was falling apart was lost when the servers crashed (two years ago?). I�ve posted a few things in the threads in my sig line, but the bottom line is while my ex did a lot of things wrong (and abusive), in a very big way I hurt him: I was never attracted to him romantically. Even while dating. He knew this the whole time we were dating, and we really were like best friends in college. We didn�t kiss in college or throughout our marriage, though we would on the cheek. I was just turned off by him. Why my mom would encourage me to marry a guy I couldn�t even kiss, I don�t know. There were other guys I thought looked good, and had no trouble kissing, because they liked it, but still never felt anything for them �down there.� It was really more about affection for me. I enjoy a good cuddle but just wans't interested in what comes next.

Since I had rarely felt attraction for anyone in my whole life, I never realized how badly this hurt him until I came to this website trying to come to terms with my disintegrating marriage. My ex did a lot wrong, and I�m not using this to excuse his behavior in any way. But I know it hurt him to be married to someone who had no sexual desire for him.

I try not to bring it up too much, because a lot of times when someone says they weren�t attracted to spouse they�re cheating and when I first came here, I got a LOT of 2x4s from people thinking I was cheating on my ex.

Please let me restate your reply. You can correct me if I'm wrong, OK?

DaisyTheCat2: "I can't get involved with men I'm not attracted to."

Does that about say it?

So how are your "attraction issues" any different from anyone else's?

Forgive me if I seem glib, but the faceless nature of Internet forums such as this make my next comment necessary.

Daisy, you may be the poster child for what every man finds attractive and desirable. They may be falling all over themselves trying to vie for your attention and affection.

So what? Why shouldn't you be allowed to choose the man who you find attractive?

Fred, I so appreciate your trying to understand me. It's kinda weird. My problem is that there are very few men in my several decades of living who actually, for lack of better phrase, "turned me on." So before marriage and even initially after divorce, I dated men who did not turn me on, because it was something I experienced so extremely rarely that it was not important to me.

I married a man I was not attracted to, and personally this did not bother me. It bothered him greatly. And I'm only recently beginning to understand why. You can't miss what you never had.

I do get approached quite often- by nice, quality men with good jobs. But there's no "turn on." So, knowing how hurt my ex was in marriage, I don't bother to develop relationships with them.

I did go out with one friend for awhile, but I had already told him this about myself (something probably won't ever do again!) and he was ok with us just hanging out platonically. After a few months of dating him, that kind of attraction developed. But last year I moved, and that was the end of that.

So I was quite caught off guard when this other guy was crazy attractive to me from day one. It is really quite nice to be around someone who turns you on :-)