Thanks so much everybody! Hey Hope, great to see you, small world, lol! I was told by a interventionist that it is deadly, I agree the addiction is way to big for me. Her family was behind it , then her father backed off and he runs the show. My wife is a great bs'er and the parents live father away and dont understand it. Her brothers do and know it is extremely serious. The opiates make you eat less and constipated, she is taking several laxitives a nite which is dangerous. Ok, now i understand it is deadly, do think she cut back because i made issue in custody. Without her family i dont think intervedntioin would work, I am the enemy and made up the thousnds of narcotics, my twisted version, as she says.
I just got back from a al-anon meeting, and they show how to take care of yourself, and dont enable which i dont anymore and they have to hit bottom. I have 3 teenagers and want them to know i tried my best , the girls detached from their mom. I held nothing back from hr brothers with info. and they are working on her father.
Thanks so much and looking forward to hear seeing your resonses.
The other guy, her former good friend and ex sponsee told me that he is back in town but not in tough with my wife, he has a relationship and feels bad and going to just mens meeting. I think i found him on facebook, i friend requested him and has not responsed, i also sent him personal messages that my girls remember him, not heard a word, must be him.
Anyways God bless!

Tony

How do you know this is where she goes. Do you or have you verified that this is where she is at?

My A-WW wants me to believe (repeatedly) she spent the whole night at a certain bar just because the car was parked in front of it. Funny I'd walked into the bar and she was no where to be found. Just ask her and she would swear she spent the whole night there.......

Addicts lie and so do WayTurds. Very hard to distinguish one from another especially after the fact she was caught redhanded with an OM.

The alcoholic/addict wants there choice of drug and will say/do about anything to get their fix.

WayTurd will do or say just about anything to get their fix. The Other Person (OP)

When the two are mixed all I can say is it is a F'd Up mess.

There really is not much you can do with your W except alcohol/drug intervention. If you have the support, the documentation to back up the claims, and care enough to do it IMO it would be the most loving gift you could offer your W. It would be up to her to accept and that is out of your control.

Should she accept and truely become sober by her actions and the way she lives her life then the A may be addressed between the two of you.

Please trust me when I tell you Dr H is right. Others here can attest to the fact that there really is no way to repair a M when one spouse is addicted be it porn, gambeling, sex, whatever. The "Whatever" will be what the addict focuses on trying to keep and the M will be second.

I see you filed for D in August. Will you share what or where the status is at with this at this point?

nESRE

She does go to aa meetings for sure, some seem like singles bars though. I found letters from another guy from aa, never had a affair with him but much talk about sex, he is in jail for manslaughter, ran over and killed a 1m year old baby, thats another story, but i did mail letters to his wife. She is a very nice person sober, but is hooked right now. Many of her good friends from aa dont see her anymore, new something was wrong. I did call her sponsor who is in denial and told me my marriage is over, she was useless. Thinking about contacting a few more. The frustrating thing is the paper trail is a mile long, and u would think aa peopel would help but i think the ones that would sh ditched, pretty cunning.
As far as the divorce, we went to custody mediation and did not resolve. She had a hair follicle test she went for and tested positive for hydrocodone which is the narcotic she been on for years, the results were not high but it is like a alcoholic with alcohol in their system. The mediator does not understand the drug issue, and i have a hard time discussing custody with a addict in denial. Now we have a court person see us both and interview seprately to give a recomendation to judge, i go on thursday. The judge ruled the kids get a attorney for 5,000 and both attornyes arguing who will pay. If she went to rehab i would have no isue with custody. I am hoping for rehab and then therapy to work on marriage or at least give it our best shot, and if not at last beale to deal with kids better, they need us, 3 teenagers.
I have a problem discussing issues because she is still taking hydrocodone, and had a spending addiction as she called it, and then heard about affair 5 years ago, and read letter from guy from jail, so i am pissed off. I know i have to concentrate on the kids, they need me right now, one is in college and the other is going in sept. Whew! lol, thanks so much for all the help and God bless you all!

Hi Tony,
Good you are posting. I too think intervention is key. Do you think both girls and son would participate. I know her father backed out but what about her brother or any other family member who will understand she is killing herself. Even a few key members will be enough.

She will lie, she will be like a caged animal backed into the corner and will spew that the M is over and all the other fog babble but with support maybe you can get her into rehab.

After that then she might start to have clear thinking. It is not healthy for the kids, for her business putting others at risk and it is not healthy for you being in the same house and experiencing this.

Just make a plan...

Plan - intervention
Plan - treatment
then the next steps to marriage recovery

Blessings.

Thanks Hope!
My 2 oldest girls, 17, 19 do not want to do a intervention. They just want her out bascially, sad, or want us divorced. They also do NOT understand the disease, and tell them their mother is a good person which she is with a disease and needs help. I think i can get my oldest daughter in for a intervention, think it could be good for her. There is a real good one close by, i talked to him, he charges 5,000. Now since i have to be extremely concerned about finances now, considering what she has done with charging in secret, money is a huge issue. Her faher is a millionare and his daughter is killing herself. I cant blame him or anybody but money is a issue,I been in contact with her brother and gave him much info. which more then shows the problem. He understands but i think part of him feels she is so staburn right now she neds to hit her rock bottom and live with consequences. Her father i think feels that since the follice test did not have illegal drugs it might be okay. Opiate prescription drugs are just like heroin, i think they are worse becxause legal and gives people a excuse, some doctors are just like drug dealers imho, though addicts will get it no matter what.It is one of the biggest cris in America today. The safety issue, is being looked at for buisness by a government agency which handles these things, i told them the truth as did my daughters.
She truly seems like a caged animal right now, i will continue to pray and work on intervention.With her brother we were looking at 60 day rehab. after detoxing, needs to get meds. and laxitives and whatever else out of system, we agreed 60 days out of state was best and i was working on insurance etc. Then father halted the process, again i cant blame it on him but he would of brang the whole family on board and could of paid for it to save his daughters life.I will continue to pray and work on a plan. I confronted her with the addiction and it was truly like dealing with the devil, i heard the drug become their "god: scary, she used to tell me stories like this form aa, we talked about this.
I do love her and will fight for her, our marriage, our kids, her life etc. but when she is piushing me out of her life as fast as possible it is hard. The 3 people who loved her the most, from a freind , father and daughter standpoint, she has no relationship anymore, she pushed the ones that loved her the most out of her life. Thanks so much for all the help and look forward to reading your respoonses, God Bless!

ITA With Hope

There are Professional Interventionist who specialize with working with the family before the actual intervention. Some of the treatment centers have their own and others use a person who will take them wherever you want.

They will determine who can be effective and how to arrange the intervention to try and achieve the desired results.

I worked with one briefly and had it set up to meet with all involved and then she went to treatment on her own.

If you would like I can see if I can find the number again. Just ask.

nESRE

Tony, can you get some type of note from a doctor showing that she is "legally" killing herself. Give it to her father and maybe he will change his mind. He needs to see the urgency of this. I know because he is an alcoholic he figures she has to reach her bottom but in this case she might not survive.

Keep us posted.

Tony

Just wanted to add the professional interventist did not charge a fee. His money came from the treatment centers he had agreements with. That was his motivation to try and achieve the desired results.

If they did not go to treatment he did not get paid.

By using the the interventist it takes you out of the picture as the bad guy. The more members of the family and close friends that will participate the better the results.

nESRE

Of course she is pushing everyone out, they threaten her addiction.

You are right; she does have a disease. Because of her disease, she cannot function, she cannot feel "normal," unless she feeds an addiction - and as stated, she has had several; alcohol, inappropriate relationships, and now opioid analgesics.

It is also worth mentioning that if she is taking hydrocodone, it is most likely in combination with Acetaminophen - and if she is really abusing the tablets hard, she is probably exceeding 4000mg/day of Acetaminophen, which leads to liver-damage land. Not really a good place for someone who already has a history of abusing alcohol.

This is a really short route to destruction.

Thanks so much everyone! I been praying and you guys gave me some clairity. She had issues with her liver, had masses on them which says is not related of course. The acetaminophen is denfinetly a issue, which is mixed with the hydrocodone. The month it all hit the fan, she was getting 200 hydrocodone for the month plus oxyecodone, 2 nsrcotics plus the melatonin and laxitives.
2 issues I want to mention, one is she might be concerned if she goes for help it will be used against her in custody, i told my lawyer if she does not and in denail still, thats when i have the issue, i would put in writing if she goes to rehab i will not use it. I did show the prescription list to a professional who is a drug counselor/interventioist and he stated the combination was "DEADLY" and he was 100% convinced she was a addict, I did send that email to her family, he also said have someone from her family call him immedaitely to do a intervention, they have that. I would say she did cut back, when the heat was turned on.
Thanks so much for all the help, and please continue, I pray, I will read and go to al-anon. My oldest daughter is coming home from school this weekend, i will never give up and of course hope she would volunteer to go to rehab, but realize the intervention may be only way and looking on how to do it. Thanks again! and God bless you all!

Connection

WW wants divorce + OM back in town = OM back in WW

I do not think she is with the guy now, wife broke it off 5 years ago. Her old friend and sponsee says the guy is in another relationship, she will tell me the truth. My concern right now as many has helped with is the additctions, getting her family to help,in middle of divorce. With the laxitives, hydrocodone, alcoholism etc. i know it is very serious and have 3 teengagers.
What do you think of telling some of her aa friends through facebook? I told a few who are not friends with her anymore, a few tried but think she has to hit rock bottom which could be death. Her newer friends i dont know , nor do my daughters and i am sure been lied to. I was thinking just to say i showed the prescription list to professionals who said it is deadly and call me if you want to talk. What do you think? thanks and God bless!

Hi Tony,
I would expose all about the addiction and the affairs. Problem too is you do not know at all where she is going every night.
She is looking for someone to be sympathetic to her.

Have you followed her at all or can you borrow a car or put a GPS in her car to see where she spends her nights. AA meetings usually end at 8 or 8:30 and even if you go for coffee she should be home at 10. What time is she dragging herself home at?

You need to talk to your daughters and tell them the truth. They deserve to know. It is not slander because it is based on facts (prescription bottles, doctor note) then WW cannot try and cover it up.

First deal with the addiction and then the relationship. She needs rehab.

What about her at home business. She has no right being in that type of position and taking the drugs she is abusing. It causes personality swings and she is driving.

Yes expose on FB and to your girls.

Blessings.

Thanks Hope! and thanks for the hope. Think she does go to aa meetings but where before and after who knows. I am learning at the mixed aa meetings a lot of "other" stuff goes on to. I do think she is telling some in aa a bunch of BS, some may be buying it because when they figure it out, she moves on. Weekdays she is home around 9, weekends, 11:30. As far as following her, i think it is to late, or not sure it would make any difference.Partly is due to she cant sit still, the alcoholism and the meds. make it much worse.
The girls do know, i tried to be as honest as i could without getting to pissed,lol.They actually figured a lot out before i did. I keep telling them it is a horrible disease and she needs help, that part of disease is denial.
Yes she definetly needs rehab. and detox before hand and still focusing on that, think you are absolutely right on with that, this is her life, 3 kids, etc. Custody hearings are still taking place and moving on. I am still talking to her brother and seeing what we can do, her life i believe ism on the line and our kids need hjer, think deep down she knows what she is doing, i guess the visious cycle, keep it going because being sober hurts so much, when being high hurts more, maybe then something will happen.
The drug issue is tougher then alcohol because she cant simply be tested and say u are over the limit. first she says she has a "legal: prescriptionj from the seventh doctor, then hard to show you are over that prescription. Rules for driving under it r tougher to, no simple test. It usually takes a accident whioch i am trying to avoid, and being threaten with lawsuits if i ruin the buisness. Safety is number one and agencies are looking into it, the personality swings are incredible, think part of it maybe she is cutting back which i heard is extremely tough and painful, why many dont stop, why she needs professional help with it.
I will tell a few more from aa on facebook that i was told the combination of drugs is deadly and at least let them know, i know what she does is say i and daughter just hate her or r crazy or just mad, the typical addict response. Thanks so much! God bless us all!

I started off this thread about a aa affair and realize this addiction to alcohol and narcotics has to be dealt with before anything. I do believe that the affair ended about 5 years ago from a very reliable source. I then read the thread on wayturd thinking and it was a eyeopener, sounds like the term wayturd is for cheaters and their mindset, many things sounded exactly like my wife so I think it is poswsible she is having another affair.
I also saw the esculation of narcotics pick up and feel if that is dealt with , the other issues are all related to that state of mind. When somebody like that is pushing a divorce with 3 teenagers, it creates many issues.
Would you say that the narcotics could be used for the affair, another words would the actions be the same as for drugs as for the othr man? It was amazing how similar the stories were of the cheaters mindset, thinking it may be the same for narcotics.
Anyways I know the drug issue has to be dealt with first, though not sure if anything more i can do. Thanks so much and God bless!

Tony,
Look at "another unfaithful wife's story" by AndyM.
You posted over there and they gave you some really good links and advice. Check it out.

Blessings.