I wish I found this site BEFORE I confronted my H when I found out about his EA. I'll try to make this short as possible. H added an old GF on FaceBook. They didn't really communicate until November. I noticed inappropriate wall posting back and forth that had sexual innuendos. I brought this to his attention. Told him I disapproved. He defriended her. A week after that, he friended her again. Once again, I told him I didn't approve to which I got the reply, "you're being paranoid". Red Flags! Let the snooping begin! I didn't take long to find out that they were emailing, texting, calling, web caming... etc. Took a little over a month to gather enough evidence to blow the fantasy out of the water. I called him out but unfortunately did it in an AO state. I called the OW and told her never to contact H again or I will tell her husband and destroy her marriage. That was my 2nd mistake. I should have told the OWH about it regardless but since this was an EA and not a PA I figured that was all that was needed since we live many many miles from the OW.

Now in the recovery process, I find additional evidence that points to this EA being much more serious than I first thought. Now I'm regretting not telling the OWH because I would feel more secure knowing that the OWH had his eye out for anything suspicious on his end. There has been no evidence of the EA since I blew the cover on it all. And boy did I blow it big! My family all knows, and my church family. I didn't tell H's family but he actually told his Dad which shocked me and gave me hope. Course my FIL gave my H a verbal beating.

Would there be any benefit in telling the OWH what had happened at this point in the recovery other than a piece of mind for myself?

The EA started middle of November 2010 and ended December 20th 2010.

Opinions.... Thoughts?

How has your H been behaving towards you since exposure?
Is he grateful & happy to be given a second chance?
What is his overall attitude?
Is he sulking at all?
Is he joyfully transparent?

It is difficult to answer your question without knowing specifically what you are referring to in the following:


Be specific.
What are you talking about?

I would tell the OWH regardless, he deserves to know. 3-4 months isn't all that long and that's all it's been since you found out.

He also might be able to tell you more details as he finds them out and you can compare notes. Don't be shocked to find out that this was also a PA. When I first discovered the EA, it was also downplayed...I found out three weeks later that it was also a PA.

Having eyes on the OW's end is a huge benefit. Tell him, the sooner the better and do NOT warn your H that you are going to expose to the OWH.

And what does the title of your post mean: "Plan A not finished"?

Welcome, LadyMyst.

Quick answer: yes, you need to let OWH know, for a few reasons.
He has the right to know his marital reality, and thank you for sharing that with him.

He can be an extra set of eyes on this affair. I am not convinced it is over, and you shouldn't be, either. You need to snoop to confirm that.

Absolutely there would be a benefit. Everyone benefits.

Additionally, has your H deleted facebook altogether? That should be the FIRST basic step in recovery. Remove the environment that led to the affair. He shouldn't be on any social networking sites at all.

In reply to Pepperband

Ahhhhhh so many questions! LOL Ok....

How has your H been behaving towards you since exposure?
Great actually. Very accommodating. Course I thought everything was fine before the AE. I knew exactly when it started. Sixth sense I guess you can say and I have a gift for reading body language.

Is he grateful & happy to be given a second chance?
Yes. And he knows how bad he hurt me.

What is his overall attitude?
Right now it's good. I think he wants to pass this stage as quick as possible and move forward. tells me I'm his world and if I leave him he will never marry another and be alone.

Is he sulking at all?
No

Is he joyfully transparent?
Yes and No. This will also answer your second question. Now that the phone billing has come around into another cycle, I find messages saying things like "I love you deeply", "You are my Prince", "I need you too". From the messages, the OW told him of her breast cancer and how her H has been neglecting her since then. She flatters my H, apparently this strokes his middle age ego and he flatters back. Flirting starts and that's where I thought it ended until I saw the newer messages. Most from around Dec. 12th - 19th when the "I love you" exchanges started. Though he is willing to let me read emails, access his phone.... etc. to prove he cut all contact, he somehow is denying these older messages (but new to me) as if these conversations between them never took place. I told him how important it is to come clean to be able to move forward. I don't know if he just feels really bad about it so he doesn't want to talk about it, scared of my reaction or is spending his time scratching his head wondering how I obtained these messages.

I asked him if he loves the OW and to be honest with me. He said no and that she said those things to him. That he loves only me and doesn't want us to be split apart. Of course at this point... trust is gone so even if he is telling the truth, I wont believe it. Not this soon.

He is probably embarrassed and ashamed mostly because he knows it was all lies...AND doesn't want to hurt you.

How DID you get these emails? Do you have a keylogger on his computer? If not, check out the Operation Investigate forum and get a keylogger.

@ MarriedForever

I really feel in my gut there was no PA but I do think there was some sexting, phone sex and possibly web cam sex. We live 10 states away. OW is up in New England we live in the deep south. And the time frame of the affair didn't allow for a meet up. I always knew where he was. I did tell H I was considering telling the OWH and he begged not to. Course the OWH probably would fly down here and beat my H to a pulp. And part of it is because I think he feels bad for the OW having breast cancer. I think that's how the EA began by her playing on his sympathy and pumping his ego up.

And what does the title of your post mean: "Plan A not finished"?
Meaning not over till I tell the OWH.

Quick answer: yes, you need to let OWH know, for a few reasons.
He has the right to know his marital reality, and thank you for sharing that with him.
He can be an extra set of eyes on this affair. I am not convinced it is over, and you shouldn't be, either. You need to snoop to confirm that.
That's why I'm considering telling him. And still been snooping.

How DID you get these emails? Do you have a keylogger on his computer?
No... he never cleared his history so I started searching through it using specific keywords.

He needs FB for work but he leaves it open all the time now so I can see.

We were two states away and I thought I always knew where my H was too...it only takes a couple hours off work and to meet up at a hotel room to have sex, unfortunately. When I found out the first time, my husband hadn't even spent the night with her so I assumed there was no way. I am not saying this to scare you, but to prepare you for the possibility.



This is how 99% of affairs start...OW are notorious for being dumsels in distress, the WH loves being the knight in shining armour and getting his ego stroked. This is typical.

LM, I would slap a keylogger on his computer. Go get eblaster at spectorsoft.com. You can set it up to send emails with every keystroke and chat conversations.

I would NOT give your husband forewarning. That will just cause conflict for absolutely no reason.

Ohhhh....you mean EXPOSURE not finished, right?

Thanx MelodyLane. I will do that. Is it $$$? I'll have to buy a prepaid visa so he wont know about the purchase. This may ease my mind if H is sincere and true to his words. Or it will be the tool that says otherwise. I'm prepared either way.

He needs Facebook for work? Where does he work at a gaming testing club or something? I personally know of nobody that needs Facebook at work. Internet might be used, of course. FB is going to have to be shut down and he is going to have to be accomodated by other means.

In my case, FB was never used but the phone was for the affair. ANNNNNND. The OM was a serial cheater who played the "damsel in distress" to lure my wife into feeling bad for him and then he kissed her. Well, when your marriage is horrible and another man gives you the affection, she was pulled into it with him. He just wanted sex out of the deal. He was targeting my wife for weeks and trying to get information out of her like phone number, address, etc. He tried to be a role model TO ME... He was trying to help me with exercise blah blah blah.

I exposed him and now he is in hiding... not just from me... but his whole family. I want to confront him face to face for his crime. Not to beat him up, though.

Yes... lol

I guess now it's about contacting OWH. I do have their personal address and home phone. But I have no idea if the OW is always home, if she works or what. How to contact him without OW knowing. Hmmmm suggestions? I don't have the OWH's email. If I mail a snail mail letter... she can easily snag it first and toss it. If I call the home number and she answers first. She can easily hang up and change the number.