HarleyDuck very aptly described a complacent, enabling husband over on his thread. "Toxic friend" is the perfect definition.

Ok, I heard the exact same thing from my in-laws. The exact same thing. Like you, I made the mistake of just telling them what was going on without directly asking them to do anything about.

Following the advice of Melody and maritalbliss, I wrote this down, called them on the phone and read it to them:

We need your help. I am asking you to use your influence to persuade WW to end her affair. Your help will ensure that our family remains intact. She cares about you very much and hearing it from as many people as possible may get her to quit trying to break up our family. I would like for you to call her and get her to stop the affair.

Throw in the fact that she's off to Vegas with the other guy while you stay at home with the kid and, surely, they'll respond.

In my case, that did the trick and my wife started getting phone calls from everyone. She quit her job with OM the same day and the affair was basically over. There was a hiccup a week later, but it was a start and I didn't expect a smooth transition. And, no, my wife didn't cut off contact with her family. It actually brought them closer together.

What is their goal by doing that? If they are so certain they are leaving or unhappy, why make commitments to that level? This is why I started to compete as Dr. H suggested since I felt I must be fulfilling enough EN of WW where it would be exposed that OM couldn't. The time frame was 6 mos Dr. H suggested and I thought with a firm plan A combined with a nuclear explosion that would embarrass my WW to the point she had to look in the mirror to kick it off, I would be rid of the OM by June.

However, the A keeps getting more serious - yet the commitments to us continue which again would indicate I am meeting EN that OM can not. From the competing stand point, I believed this is how the process goes. Plan A with exposure and let the short comings of the OM become evident and make the choice to return to BH seem appealing and inviting. Yet, Melody makes very good points against competing with a smile but with a stick.

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Did you interpret Dr Harley to mean you should be complacent and do nothing while the affair goes deeper? Because this is in direct opposition to his advice. He calls men like you "ENABLERS."




It's not at all and you don't understand Plan A. You have misunderstood Dr Harley and have confused competing with enabling. All the need meeting in the world cannot overcome this affair. It takes a 2 pronged approach of the carrot and the stick. You can meet her needs and enable her forever, it will not end the affair. It will only cause your WW to become more and more accustomed to getting her needs met in 2 places. And eventually she will probably leave you for her OM.

Dr Harley advises folks to "cause as much conflict in the affair as possible." You are not doing that at all.

You are not in Plan A. You are in Plan APPEASEMENT. Which is not a Marriage Builders plan, but a conflict avoiders plan.

Can you clarify what you mean by this? I don't understand the comment.

Illiam1 - I just read the entire thread. Yes, our situations are similiar. IMHO, mine might be a bit worse because there is no talk of 'we', only of divorce and division of assets and how could I do this to her. I did a very, very nuclear exposure and she comes from a large family. There have always been factions and those are appearing now.

My WW is very conflicted right now, and it appears that at least some of her worlds are colliding; i.e. she'll never escape this event when around her family. I think that's why she hates me. I managed to inform the people that she's very close to and that she respects.

I'm trying to Plan A as much as possible right now, but as you know it's tough. Do the exposure and deal with the fallout - it's not easy, but keep your eye on the prize. Hang in there!

Do you mean by her picking out furniture, etc? Beats the h out of me but I'd guess it's out of some internal conflict or something. You could probably go in circles forever trying to figure out the things waywards do. Logic doesn't always exist in their universe.

Melody, yes I agree and had a hard time about what I was interpreting in the instructions. It seemed contradictory but the sticks must come out. I just just fear I have screwed this up for too long now that OM and WW are too close where any hard stance will drive her to OM and not through the desired process. Is there an ' I screwed up plan A so bad that I must do this now to get me back on track plan '? I don't want to go to B as it would be completely giving WW over to OM.

Also, Melody, it was a response to North regarding how or why WW sometimes make financial and other commitments to our M while still going strong down the other road in the A. You would think if the A was that great and promising and WW was so certain we were heading for D, then why look down the road and plan for things that would not even happen if D were to become a reality. If it were me, I wouldn't care for the M at all and certainly abandon any talk, commitments, or plans.

Andy, I follow your thread. I am sorry we are both here. You sound very much like myself and I know it must have been very hard to expose especially when things seem like they may get better. Your path seems promising when looking at the threads of others who halfway through their stories were in the same place and it seemed hopeless. I hope ours turns to be a story of success.

Lliam --

Your wife has very effectively shut you down.
You are so fearful of losing her, that she is allowed to do anything she likes.

She accuses you of being domineering -- so you back right down and don't stand up for your normal rights because you FEAR being called domineering. She has effectively nuetered you.

As soon as you rightfully accuse her or confront her -- she threatens divorce and screams and yells. So you again back down.
She continues on with her destructive behavior.

Your wife is a tyrant. And she is a master manipulator. She knows exactly tools to break out in any given situation to shut you down.

And you are so very very wrong about "competing" with OM. If your wife has a list of 10 EN's -- you are allowed to meet about 5. OM gets to met the OTHER 5. She has no need to decide between you. She is perfectly happy with both -- unless you threaten that balance, then she will use one of her tools to back you down.

There is no way in hell I would let my spouse run off to Vegas to meet their lover, while hanging out in her free time with those that are cheerleading the bad behaviour.

Why haven't you even bothered to confront OM? Don't you care that he's going to have sex with your wife in Vegas?

Well, at least she has a free babysitter...

I've felt the exact same thing so I completely understand where you're at right now. But what choice do you have?

1. Do nothing. WW goes over to OM.
2. Expose. WW either goes to you or OM. Since you have a child and a much longer history, odds are in your favor.
3. Divorce. WW goes over to OM.


Since my wife did similar things in the midst of her affair, I asked her at lunch why she did that. She said it was just to feel normal, to do something other than deal with the issues at hand. She said that, had she really wanted a divorce, she certainly wouldn't have expended any time or energy into doing things for us.

Take it for what it's worth, but, in your case, I think it's just your wife cake-eating and not being wholly committed to any single course of action.

Agree 1 million percent with Lexxxy. It's time to get seriously PO'ed about this situation, my friend. Reminds me of the movie "Network" where the guy says

You've got to say, 'I'm a HUMAN BEING, Goddamnit! My life has VALUE!' So I want you to get up now. I want all of you to get up out of your chairs. I want you to get up right now and go to the window. Open it, and stick your head out, and yell,
'I'M AS MAD AS HELL, AND I'M NOT GOING TO TAKE THIS ANYMORE!' I want you to get up right now, sit up, go to your windows, open them and stick your head out and yell - 'I'm as mad as hell and I'm not going to take this anymore!' Things have got to change. But first, you've gotta get mad!... You've got to say, 'I'm as mad as hell, and I'm not going to take this anymore!'

lliam, you are operating under a cloud of FEAR. If you allow fear to drive your actions you will have tread marks running up your back as OM drives off into the sunset with your wife!

There is no 'convenient' time to expose, and you should not be planning it around some baby shower! Tell your SIL that you're sorry her sister chose this time in life to have an affair. Then expose!

Tell your WW if she goes to Vegas, she can stay in Vegas. Then change the locks. There isn't a law enforcement agency in the land that will arrest you because you changed your own door locks!

There is a chance that OM will bag this trip if he's is exposed. The thing is: you have to expose to OM's side for him to get that bad taste in his mouth. When will this happen??

If she insists upon leaving, let her know you'll be packing up her things and will put them in the garage so she can send for them later.

Lliam, you posted earlier that you live in GA and it's a fault state. You also said your name alone is on the deed.

This is all in your favor when it comes to the Vegas trip, if she goes. Definitely change the locks if she goes and have her stuff packed and on the porch. Tell her you will not sit back and watch her destroy your marriage and family and if she goes on that trip she is not welcome back. You can do this. She will rant and rave but you can do this. If hse calls the police take it as it comes. As someone else said deal with her first. Dealing with her first puts your marriage first. If the police show you are on the moral highground. You said the OM will be there too. Do you have proof of that? If so have that in your hands for when the law shows up.

Also, were the tickets for the trip purchased with a joint credit card? If so, get on the phone and cancel them. It may not stop her from re-purchasing but at least you're not jointly paying for her trip. Have her put this on her own card if you have separate cards also. Do not finance her A. If she goes make sure you cancel the joint credit card. Let OM deal with that.

Excellent idea.

The ticket was purchased with her credit card. So, I don't have the ability to force a cancellation other than take a hard stance about the consequences if she goes. I do not have proof that I could print out or have access to. I snooped on her phone the other week when I still had knowledge of the passcode, but it has since been changed.

I know the hotel and the dates he claims he will be there (which overlap my WW's stay), but that is all I know. I am not naive that she won't be in OMs room, but WW has a escape route since her friends will be there as well.

I have outed this trip to her and she states that I am wrong and she will be there with friends. It doesn't matter to me what WW says to me now as I know it to be a lie.

What do her parents/family say about her going on this date?

Just checking in on you lliam1, hope things are going better for you.

Sorry I have been gone for a bit, but it seemed like we were turning a corner only to realize the OM has been there every step of the way. I let this Vegas trip go by to later learn I was correct in suspecting he would be there. I guess my anger moment came when she elected to call back home only once in four days to speak with DD. UNACCEPTABLE!

Last night and only 2 days since this Vegas trip with OM, she went out with OM - once again missing a family dinner. My DD is asking me questions I can not answer anymore as to why WW has been gone 5 out of the last 8 nights. I confronted her over the phone and explained I knew about the trip and who she was with at the moment. I told her of the damage she is doing to DD and how she does not have a voice in this right now to stand up and look her in the eye to explain how these decisions are going to affect her the rest of her life. Of course, WW did not want to hear anything of it and hung up on me.

I immediately sent the bomb letter to all her relatives regardless of my promise to SIL to hold off until her baby shower. I am already getting 'shocked' responses. I do not know if any of them have contacted WW as I think they will wait until she is at home in a few weeks.

In the meantime, WW has canceled plans to have a 'family' dinner tonight with our DD as she wants to spend time with her alone. I wrote her a long letter stating how I feel in hopes something may trigger her to start seeing through the fog. Too soon, I guess.

I am going to continue plan A and be there for the ENs she may still need, but now it is hard to determine if she has any. We have been picking out new house items as we are doing some remodeling, but I am unsure if I should put those plans on hold. My paranoid part of my brain tells me I could just be remodeling the home and spending money for OM's eventual move-in if a D were to occur. The house is in my name and I live in Georgia which is a fault state, so I am not sure if that will help.

I just don't know what to do.

I hope you didn't give this to her yet. Is the letter firm or weepy?

I'll ask the following questions so that other BH's can learn from your mistakes:

Did you cancel WW's original airline tickets for Vegas?

Did you change your door locks when she flew to Vegas to be with OM?

When is this baby shower? Do you feel badly that you've waited until now to expose -- right before the shower -- rather than when you first considered exposure?

Are you telling her the truth?