Hello, I'm not sure if this is the appropriate forum for this and am open to suggestions.

Last night I read a news article talking about how Facebook has been mentioned in 1 out of 5 divorces. Just out of curiosity I went into Facebook since my wife has our web browser set to automatically sign her in and check out her messages. She regularly deletes things from her wall to "keep it clean" which she has talked to me about before so I didn't bother using my own account to check things out. In her sent items there was reference to a deleted message between her and an ex-boyfriend that was her first love. Now I wasn't able to view the message between them but I asked her about it since I had brought up the topic of the news article I had read. She mentioned that he hand friended her and sent her a message. He had asked how things were going with her, mentioning that it was hard for him to get over their relationship that had lasted 1 1/12 years that had ended 5 years ago. She had told him that she was happy and married. Understand that I am taking her word for what she had said. I told her that I was uncomfortable that she had had added him as a friend on Facebook and had a conversation with him and had not informed me about it. I am fine with these types of things as long as she keeps me in the loop. I'm also uncomfortable with the secrecy of taking the time to delete the communication. I checked in on her sent messages after our conversation and now the referenced to the deleted message is now not available. She did remove him from her friends list.

She has had similar behavior in meeting with the previous ex-boyfriend to our relationship when our relationship started for dinner with other friends. She told me about meeting with friends for dinner but neglected to mention the ex-boyfriend. I found out about this not from her but a friend that had attended the dinners.

Also she had met a friend from high school that worked at our local liquor store. She hadn't told me about it but I noticed that she was rumagging through her purse and had come across a piece of paper with his e-mail address on it and she quickly hid it in her purse when I was present. I asked her about it and she told me the story but I didn't understand the need to keep it secret from me if there was no need to be concerned.

I'm not sure if I'm being too insecure here or if there is something that I do need to be concerned about in our releationship. She's aware that I'm uncomfortable with these types of communications with other people not being in the open in our relationship. We have been married now less than a year. Do we need to seek counseling? Thanks for any advice.

Jeremy

You are not being insecure. You correctly have a "gut feeling" that these encounters with "old flames" are extremely dangerous to your marriage.

She needs to get off of Facebook. Period. Trust me, I know from experience.

No communication with any exes - regardless of how long ago the relationship may have ended, we carry dormant "Love Banks" (LB$) for each of these exes. FB, texting, email - all ways for intimate communication to occur in which these exes are making deposits into our LB$. Once that balance reaches a certain threshold, you've reached the point of feeling romantic love for that individual.

The friend from HS, hiding his email address is a red flag. Even if this is not an ex, if this is someone your wife is even slightly attracted to, then this is someone she needs to cut ties with immediately.

I see you've not been married long - how long have you two been together? Any kids?

I'm sure the vets will be along to offer more advice soon!

Install a keylogger on your computer asap and you will quickly know if you have a big problem or just a small boundary to shore up. A popular one here is www.eblaster.com.

This is how almost ALL affairs start and your wife is headed for one now if she has not already had one. I would ask her to end all contact with any former lovers. They should be OUT forever. Before you do that, I would install a keylogger on her computer so she can watch her. Go get eblaster at spectorsoft. It will email you reports of her activities.


And check out this article: Are Friends a Threat to Marriage?

You don't need counseling. Your wife needs to knock off her marriage wrecking behavior. Just tell her to knock it off. Put your foot down.

Jeremy, there's an increasingly common belief that it's okay to have opposite-sex friendships outside of marriage; that, in fact, it's acceptable to maintain close, downright intimate ties with ex-GFs and -BFs.

That belief, those practices, however: incredibly dangerous. Your gut is telling you this, and is telling you that your W is putting your M, your safety at risk.

I think it's great that you two have communicated about these sorts of things in the past. Now it's time to take that to the next level.

Your W is exhibiting some very poor boundaries. That's going to have to be addressed. This should include things like no friendships w/ exes, no individual Facebook pages, etc.

Listen to Mel and the other vets here about this. Read up on the Basic Concepts on the MB site, and keep posting.

Take the advice and get the keylogger pronto. My wife did the same thing.

MrsV posted about what I wanted to touch on. It is NOT okay to have friends who are members of the opposite sex when you are married. That boundary should be for YOU as well as your wife.

Your wife definitely exhibits some "sneaky" behaviour, and none of us here would be surprised to hear that she has already had an affair. Doesn't mean that she HAS, but you should install the keylogger to find out for sure.

The "sneaky behaviour", like her hiding the e-mail address, is a definite sign that some A-related activity has gone on IMO. And we're talking about more than one possible OM here? Looks to me like this poor BH's WW is trolling.

I agree with Scotland. To really squash anything you need more information. I would keep my mouth shut for now and snoop with a keylogger and if she has a smart phone I would buy a program that lets you see her texts/calls/emails/GPS location. Watch them for a bit and see if there is anything "more". I hope there isnt. But then you will better know what kind of issues you really have.

1 in 5 is a crock, more like 4 in 5. Wanna guess how the OM first contacted my WW? Wanna guess how innocent sounding the intial exchange was?

there has to be ZERO secret behavior in a good M. Your W is creating an environment where cheating behavior can exist. Dr Harley says almost anyone will have an A under the right conditions. These are the conditions he's talking about.

You need to understand that even if everything is kosher here, if you do nothing about this you will be suspicious and "on alert" forever. And that will become an obstacle in your M. Don't shine this on, this is something that needs to be addressed.

Thanks to all for the advice. She and I have been together for just over 3 years now. I've always had a concern considering that her father cheated on her mother leading to their divorce (now on his 5th marraige) as well as her sister also cheated on her last husband. So it seems like there's some similar habits in the family. My wife doesn't give me the feeling like there's an A going on, but the behaviors exhibited present a risk that it's possible if left unchecked.

Install the keylogger today. Facebook is a snake-pit for hookups between old friends and lost loves. My WS and I have been happily married for over 22 years, but one contact from an old high school flame on Facebook has lead to an affair, and her moving out of our home and leaving me and our 4 children. She never once complained about anything in our marriage prior to this, and I have asked every friend and relative that I can if they had any indication that anything was wrong, or that she was unhappy.

You have come to the right place. Please follow the advice that you receive here- it may save your marriage.

These things remind of cockroaches when you see one you know there's 10 more hiding somewhere,you can bet there's more there than what meets the eye. it's like my ww said to me on DD ( matter factly looked me in the face) and said to me "you don't know the half of it"

She and I have been together for just over 3 years now. I've always had a concern considering that her father cheated on her mother leading to their divorce (now on his 5th marraige) as well as her sister also cheated on her last husband. So it seems like there's some similar habits in the family. My wife doesn't give me the feeling like there's an A going on, but the behaviors exhibited present a risk that it's possible if left unchecked.

You actually touched on the salient point to everything this site stands for. Why wait for minor "inattention" to correct boundaries to blow into a full affair, and THEN try to fix it? Be pro-active.

There are several BH's here currently in the fight of their lives trying to save their marriages. I'll bet you that their most fervent advice to you would be to "snoop" via the keylogger, watch for any indiscretions, and then act to supply the EN's that your wife might be lacking from you otherwise.

Get the keylogger. Figure out what you may or may not be up against. Then once you are informed you can proceed in the right manner.

Regardless, talk to her and shore up those boundaries.

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We have been married now less than a year.

This is not a good sign. Like everyone else said, I would get a keylogger and snoop all that you can. And start to read through the materials here and perhaps order some of the books.

You have been getting good advice here. Honestly, I think no ex of any kind on FB or in any other type of contact is a good boundary. I have never heard of anything good come from contact with ex BF or GF.

It's true. There's no need to keep in touch through FB or any other means.

After learning some things on these forums, I decided to delete a couple XBFs from FB. I didn't think anything of it previously because there was never inappropriate correspondence -- frankly, little or no correspondence at all -- but what's the point?

If I were you, I'd most definitely install a keylogger to learn the content of your wife's messages.