Have you thought about asking her out on a real date?

Spending time together away from the kids doing things that you both enjoy doing is crucial to her ability to fall back in love with you.

My H and I spent a lot of time together at this point in the process. We went out on a lot of dates and even went away for a few long weekends together. This really helped start to rekindle those feelings that I had lost for him (especially since one of my top EN's is RC).

Now, she may turn you down, but then again, she may not. It certainly doesn't hurt to ask. And the more UA time you can get in meeting your wife's top EN's, the more likely it is that she'll start having those "in love" feelings again.

She said, "Well, you should. You should be angry with me. You should see me as a terrible person." I replied, "You are not a terrible person. You are a wonderful person who made a mistake."

I would guess that when you tell her she is a wonderful person, she doesn't believe you. It might be better to use more neutral terms. Mortal, or human.


Right now, I am struggling to know exactly what to do. My gut tells me to continue to meet EN's as much as possible, but to lay low on the relationship talk for awhile, and give last night a chance to sink in.

This is where you revise your plan. You were right when you told her that you need time to get to know each other again.

Family activities are good, and she won't feel pressure like she might if the two of you are alone, but you do need alone time too.

I don't know how much "free time" you have, but a good strong family activity every other week would probably be good. Do things she would want to be a part of.

Picnics
Attend a play
Concert
Zoo
National Park

Other things that work for where you live.

I know you already know this stuff - but it doesn't hurt to have ideas in front of you when you are revising your plan.

Same for being alone with her. It's probably good to avoid "I love you" cards and flowers and go for more generic things unless she has accepted romantic things well the past few months.
Get her her favorite chocolate bar. Her favorite magazine. Buy her some food to make her life easier. "I found these oranges on sale, and got us some, and I thought I would get some for you too." Oranges represents whatever you know she would like.

Think of places to take her on dates that you know she would love to go. The same list applies - You should already know what she likes. Find community events, and invite her. Tell her there are no strings attached, you just want to go with her. IF the event is something you know she enjoys, she will be more likely to go.
Adjust the frequency as you go. My W and I date weekly, but you might be better off with less often for now.

Write your plan down. (keep it where neither she nor the kids will ever see it.) About once a month, re-access where you are with it, and make adjustments. Having a written plan will make it easier for you when you have bad days. You will still have bad days.

One of your goals should be to improve YOU. You want these improvements to be permanent. The nice things is, you get to keep any improvements you make. Progression is good.

When you compliment her, keep that kind of generic too. If you keep saying "I love you," she keeps thinking "How can you love me after what I have done?"

If you say "I love it when you smile like that," she will believe you.

I love the way you look when you are happy.
I always did like the way your hair looks in the early morning light.
I always thought you were beautiful, and I still do.
You still have a lot of good inside you, and it will come out over time.

You get the idea. You know her best, and I bet you can think of lots of things along these lines.

Try not to over do it though. IF you lay it on too thick, it will sound fake.

To sum it up -
1. Lots of family activities.
2. Ask her on dates to events she loves.
3. Compliment her in ways she can accept.
4. Do things for her that she doesn't equate with romance until the romance starts to return.

You have probably figured out what her needs are by now. If there are others (like conversation) that are high on the list, include those in the plan. Keep conversation on things that are non relationship oriented, but that she enjoys talking about. Family members, hobbies, world events. Local news.

Smile a lot. Keep praying.

SS

PS - Writer1 posted while I was writing this. I agree with what she says.

Writer,

I think you're right, and I have actually been working towards that. I don't want to push too hard, because she is still a little hesitant. I have decided to lay a little low over the weekend, just to give some time for our recent conversation to sink in.

I have been continuing to meet EN's though. We talk every day, and we have begun emailing back and forth throughout the day. This is a change, as previously she would only answer my emails if they were related to the children.

I send her a little good night text every night, and she always responds.

SS10 came to the office with me today, and I asked him if he wanted to make his mom a card. He did, and we went over to her work and stuck it on her car.

Seeking,

Lots of good advice- thanks.

I have actually been thinking alot along the same lines. I have tried to be very sensitive to the things that I say, such as when I compliment her looks, I am careful to do it in a non-sexual way ("You are really beautiful today" vs. "You look really good" or "You are so sexy").

Also, since she says she has felt like my "possession", I have been careful to say "I am proud to be your husband" vs. "I am proud that you are my wife". Subtle differences, but important, I think.

She is all on board for the family activites, and we are now doing those pretty much weekly. She accepts cards, flowers, etc. from me, but I have tried to back away from the mushy, romantic stuff, and go more for humorous, or thinking about you, that sort of thing. That seems to be fine. I am big on giving her favorite things (her favorite candy, her favorite gum, her favorite drink, etc.). Also, I try to do things to make her life easier (like last night I arranged for dinner for her and the kids). Mind you, I was always into doing these things throughout our marriage, so it is nothing out of the ordinary.

I guess my strategy now is to keep myself in her mind constantly.

As I posted to Writer1, I am working on getting her out on a date- taking that a little bit slowly right now.

Excellent advice on complimenting her in different ways- thanks for that.

My W and I are a few years older than you are. Last fall the Doobie Brothers did a concert here. My W was a Huge Doobies fan in her younger days. If I hadn't asked her, she would have gone alone or with someone else. By the end of the concert, she was standing up singing and dancing. She had a GREAT TIME.

If you can find an event like that, that your W would love to attend, she will almost always say yes. I know these kinds of things don't happen weekly, but keep your eyes open. If you are way out in the country it could be hard. I am not sure where you live.

The down side is that they cost money. Oh well....... 100 years from now we won't care at all about that.


Is your W going to watch GC on the 3rd with you and the kids?
Do you even get it on TV where you live? I suppose you can get it on the internet if not.

IN the state I live in, almost all communities get it on TV. We get it by antenna, and don't even need cable. (that's a hint.)

SS

SS,

A concert like that is a great idea. I am going to be on the lookout.

We did watch GC together last time, and it was very emotional for her. Given the subject matter of many of the talks, that was no surprise.

I am going to invite her, but I'm not sure if she will come.

Did you watch Jimmer last night?

Did you watch Jimmer last night?

I caught a little bit, but not the whole thing.
Had to work late.

I have to admit, I am not much of a sports fan, but with all the hype, I wanted to see what was going on.

SS

I hope things are well with you.

SS

Bump, TD are you still around? Hows it going?

TD calling you out again, hows it going?

I actually came back here a few days ago to see how totaldisbelief was doing, and I just now realized that he hasn't updated in over two months.

Does anyone know what happened to him?

Nah, you see I tried a couple times. When I saw this bumped I hoped it was him.

Yeah, I saw that. Sorry to get your hopes up.

It's weird, because he didn't say anything about taking a break from the forums.

I hope things are going better for him.

Total: If you're still around give us an update when you can.