just found out a week ago about my spouses affair. Got online and came across this site and has been very helpful in the past week. i printed the Q & A sections about How to Survive Infidelity for both of us to read (and he also thought it was good to read and interesting/helpful) and would like to look into the programs, which one would you suggest as a start? I am still very raw from the news. I would also like any advice about how to get past the note that i received describing. It is eating me up.

Welcome to MB, chickadee. I am sorry for what has happened in your marriage.

Many people here will recommend the online programme to you, because with that, you do a course and then get follow-up coaching for as long as you need it; years, indeed. The follow up coaching includes posting questions directly to Dr Harley, the founder of the MB programme, which he answers on the private forum on this site.

If you go for telephone coaching it will be with either Dr Harley's son or daughter. You cannot coach directly with Dr Harley himself. People who have used the telephone coaching centre speak very highly of Steve Harley and Dr Jennifer Harley Chalmers.

However, while you are deciding about programmes, why not tell us more about your marriage and the affair?

How long have you been married? How old are you both? Children? Ages? When did the affair start, how long did it last and how was it conducted (e.g. were they working together, or neighbours, or did they meet on Facebook)? What steps have been taken to end the affair and cut off contact completely? Do they still work together/ live near each other/ attend the same church/ have the Facebook accounts?

If your H does not cut off all avenues for contact, and if your H does not prove to you that these are closed, then the affair will only continue in secret. It is desperately important for you and the kids that this does not happen, chickadee.

Hi chickadee, welcome to Marriage Builders.

Has your husband ended all contact with the OW? Is the OW married, and if so, has her husband been informed?

Check out this link: How to Survive Infidelity

Chickdee1,

Welcome to MB but sorry you find yourself here.

My FWH and I started out with Steve and are now going to the online program. The reason we did this was to help with the healing process after the affair. It took Steve to help my FWH to understand that his A does affect everything in our life. My FWH felt like the A shouldn't affect his friendships or change his behavior. Also Steve helped him understand why he had the A.

So I guess what I am saying is just because you start with one doesn't mean you can't change once you both feel comfortable with changing.

Hope this helps.

thank you SugarCane.

married over 16 years, together longer. we are in our early 40's, no kids together. apparently it began in the summer, and it was on and off. from what i am getting there is no emotional attachement just more sex. met at a bar while with work friends. we do not live that close thank god, and i dont know her. no FB account on his side. calls and texts are blocked though a downloaded app. but that is not stopping her. I am a bix anxious about the lover scorned. he tried to brake it off a few times but there were treats- and one was put into action- the note. the deatils were horrendous. called a threapist immediatly and have gone 2x, it has been helpful for me. he alos has dne the same. he looked at it as a "relief". I hope i am giving enough - it hard to type this out.

How much do the programs run. I am glad i asked- i would have gone for just the books.

more questions more thoughts are very welcome

Hi chickadee.


What specifically did your husband do to end the affair?

Dr. Harley, founder of Marriage Builders, recommends sending a no contact letter to the affair partner.

he said he tried to end the affair. he told her many diffrent lies about moving and other things... what ended it was a note sent by the woman to me (not good with the letters yet OW, BW, FWH.- dont know the lingo well- sorry)

Also excuse the misspellings- my hand are shaking.

She was divorced.

I am a bit cautious to write things as she may be stakling.

I did see the info about sending a letter, that seems difficult when i dont want to stir the pot and cause any crazed reaction.

chickadee, do you have kids with other people, from previous marriages?

The other bits I underlined above are bad news, and I don't think you have got to the bottom of this affair yet. I think I have a great sensitivity for affairs that sound like my H's. He and OW hooked up in a bar, but they had been flirting through work for a long time before that. They snogged in the bar then arranged to meet in his hotel the next time he was visiting her country. I found out about it after a mere 6 weeks and only perhaps 3 meetings, but it developed into a 4-year affair that kept getting buried every time I found a new piece of the puzzle. As it was a travelling, workplace affair (he travelled monthly from London to Brussels) it was easy to hide from me.

A hook-up in a bar that was on and off is unlikely to have developed into something so serious that she issued threats and will not give up, unless OW was bonkers and unstable. That is unlikely. The likelihood is that this developed quickly into your H telling OW that he loved her and wanted to leave his marriage. He has made promises to this woman and she nows feels that he is reneging on them, and THAT is why she is not giving up.

There is a lot that your H is not telling you about this affair.

I don't say the above to make you think your H really does love her and really will leave you, because if he had wanted to do leave he simply would have done so by now. My H said those things to his OW, and when I read them in texts and emails it took me a long time put things into perspective. His playing both of us was evidence of what he really wanted; to have both his happy marriage AND his affair, with all its excitement. The same is probably true for your H.

Please slow down and tell me in greater detail about what you wrote above.

How did you find out about the affair? It sounds as if OW wrote you a letter.

Have you any real evidence that it started last summer? It is surprisingly easy to find evidence of what went on if you gain access to your H's email account. It is quite likely that an email was sent setting up their first meeting. If not, their emails will tell you more about the affair in general.

Your H is trying to protect himself from your hurt and fury by lying, or not answering fully, chickadee. If you don't get to the truth you will find yourself on the receiving end of a false recovery, where he simply buries the affair further from you and continues with his secret second life.

What did the letter from her say? What were the details that "were horrendous"?

What is she still doing to get through to him?

What does she want from him now? Is she asking him to leave you?

Is she married, with kids?

I agree with SugarCane that it's likely there's much, much more to the story you don't know yet.

Many of us have had the misfortune of learning that cheaters lie, lie, lie, and you can't really believe anything that comes out of their mouths.

Like clockwork, almost all adulterers deny an affair at first, even when confronted with overpowering evidence. Then they typically move on to revealing only bits and pieces of the story, which is called trickle truth.

Very often the adulterer admits to an emotional affair when it is really a physical affair, and men are more apt to say it was "just sex" when there's more to the story.

A polygraph should be considered to get the full truth. It's also common for the adulterer to give their word that contact with the affair partner has ended even though there's still contact.

Just remember that cheaters lie -- it's what they do. Don't listen to what your cheating spouse is telling you; instead, follow the proven plan.

The only way she could be stalking you here is if she and your H are in contact and he has told her about your discovering MB. I can't stress enough how likely it is that they are still in contact and he is talking to her daily about your marriage.

Crickey, chicakdee, this is my life you're living!

Think about the logic of not stirring the pot and causing any crazed reaction. It is the same logic that my H used to me, BTW, and I bought it fully. He actually justified talking to her each day from work because she had threatened suicide. He didn't think she would kill herself but she might do a 'cry for help", dramatic, cosmetic job and if she did, her H would find out. That would be big trouble for him not just because her H would rearrange my H's internal organs, but also because my H was having sex with a client from work, and they could sack him.

I BOUGHT that cobblers and had only myself to blame when it led them back into bed, with my tacit approval, many times more.

What else are you doing but approving this affair, when you allow her blackmail to stop you from taking decisive action to end it?

You are saying: "If we send that NC letter she might go bat crazy on us, so we won't send it and I'll allow her to keep their contact going". You are ALLOWING her to have an affair with your H.

I know how you're feeling, chickadee, with the shaking hands etc. At your stage I couldn't get out of the bathroom long enough to have posted on a website. Please just slow down and give us more details.

I am going to recommend that you send an email to the moderators here telling them that I asked you to do so. There is some information that you need them to send you. I will click the notify button to ask them to send that information. Please click "notify" yourself, and ask them for this information.

Thanks, Delta.

This is alot to digest.... I clicked notify- what happens now.

i would like to respond in greater deatil but wont until notified. i also should start to do some work, so please let me know an will responsed as soon as i can. thanks

Done.

hi CD1. i am sorry you find yourself here. i know that feeling of your hands shaking, trying to make sense of all of this. you are not alone. take solace in that and in the fact that we are all emotionally and intellectually invested in helping you. these sort of crises brings out people's humanity.

you could certainly ask the moderators to move your thread if need be. click on the link that says "notify." why do you think that the OW may be stalking on this forum? who would have told her? your H? think about that. and btw, your H is doing the trickle truth with you. he realizes that he eff'd up big time and is afraid to tell you what really went down, the things he said, the things she said, the things she did, etc. he fears that if he does so you will leave him. he is afraid of losing you. he probably did it more for the sex than anything else, and eventually said ILY bc that is what you do when someone says it to you like the OW probably did to him. you're a woman so a big no no is "ILY." he probably did say it as Sugar Cane alluded to. for guys, it's the idea of another man having sex with our woman. do NOT believe your H. count your blessings that he appears to be remorseful bc try dealing w/ a crazy WW w/ whom you have 5 kids who had an A w/ a father of 4, and it's MY fault it all went down.

do you have any pet rabbits?

do i just find the link on the main page?

no. look at the bottom of your post. see your name on the left upper corner. well look down towards the right lower corner. it sits next to: reply, quote, quick reply, quick quote, notify, email post. the last one can be helpful sometimes for really good posts whose words reasonate in your mind. good luck. see you soon?

i know what it feels like to come here and just want to cry or scream or whine or rage. this is a safe place or should be.

chickadee,

Your WH sounds a lot like mine at this stage. He thought more lies was the way to fix the lies. It is likely that your WH (wayward husband) did not tell OW any of these things.

Also, do not believe anything that OW tells you. My OW looked me in the eye several times and told me there would be no more contact. LIE

Try to stay calm and do not show your hand. Do not reveal your sources. This is a fight and you must fight wisely.

Let the vets guide you, read the material, ask questions. You will make it through this.

***chickadee1, please check the email account you used when you registered on MB for a message from the moderating staff.***

ok this took a bit, and this doesnt let me jum back and forth to adress things- so i cut and pasted in word.


thank you Sugar Cane, Delta oaktree and savmymarr. all good posts that i will reread. just some comments on past threads are here.


There is a lot that your H is not telling you about this affair.- I agree there probably is.

His playing both of us was evidence of what he really wanted; to have both his happy marriage AND his affair, with all its excitement. The same is probably true for your H.- Agree!

How did you find out about the affair? It sounds as if OW wrote you a letter.- yes she did.

Have you any real evidence that it started last summer?- good question... I guess nothing I have is truthful at this point.

Your H is trying to protect himself from your hurt and fury by lying, or not answering fully,- I also agree.

What did the letter from her say? What were the details that "were horrendous"?- every detail and txts and photos,

What is she still doing to get through to him?- she tries to txt and call but the phones are blocked.

Is she married, with kids? Div, w/ kids


Onto the next: got the email with the other forums to look at, I actually am quite skilled in these areas and already have some info.
Let me ask you all, it is what it is, he cheated. Why do I need to torture myself with all of the info. The note I received was bad enough, even if she is a bit off- there is truth to it. Bottom line is for him to fess up everything or get out. If I have to keep spying in order to catch him, that�s not the way to live.

which is called trickle truth.- love this!
She probably isn�t stalking me here, but if all of a sudden she was unable to reach him bc of the blocks � you don�t know how she would react. The tone of the note indicates a frenetic tone. but i dont give her that much credit- she would look beyond herself to come to a site like this.

Another question- if you were her, why would you send a note to the wife? Well, I can guess..
1. she wanted out 2. shes a bit off 3. wanted to hurt him (bc-he said no more).
Any thoughts?