What truth is in the note?

You won't get it out of your head for a very long time, sorry. It will get easier as time goes on. So, since your husband is willing to go to counseling, would he be willing to speak to on the MB coaches? There is a phone number on the site for MB coaching. That's a QUICK way to get started on true recovery.

What is your WH doing to put extraordinary precautions into place?

There is a narrow path to recovery.
You should read this link.

I do appreciate all that i am learning here! It has been a bit of an escape for me. I definately think he would speak to the coaches, i will look for the link and ask him, he has been eager to read more things. and is finding everything insightful.

the letter described intimate details of their escapades in graphic detail. i asked if it was true and he said yes.

I did read that Q & A that you linked above. so did he- this was the one part we both made note of "and couple has a window of opportunity to fix what was wrong in a way that can make their marriage better than it ever was. But one of the biggest obstacles to such a recovery is the emotional reactions left over from the affair."

this is an opportunity for both of us i agree, its just the note that sets me into a tizzy.

Hi Chick,

Not an MB vet but I would make a copy of the note and put it away and resolve never to look at it again. (But you might need the evidence one day)

Then make some space in your day, write down every vile nasty thing you wish to say to her, and I know there are lots of them, and then take the two letters and burn them. Take the ashes and release them into running water, or down the sink if you have to but a river or stream is better. Now they are gone, every time you empty the drain, bath, sink whatever, picture her sad tiny face going down there with the dirty water.

Once you have done the burning and sending away, do something lovely for yourself. It's a small ceremony that frees the emotions and replaces them with the memory of something lovely.

Hope that helps!

Blessings

Tanam, this is good!

My DH and I did something similar after we were in recovery for awhile. We took every photo, letter, receipt, etc. and burned them in a BBQ grill on our patio. My husband (the FWH) said it was how we were going to rebuild our marriage from the ashes. It was a defining moment in our recovery.

tanam- thank you
have a copy hidden, i like your idea.

just disappointed again... I am the giver. i dont think he is making the effort that i would like him to. I want him to agressively and excitedly work on fixing this. i am and i was not the wrong dooer. but not seeing that, he is trying- but i guess i am looking for the over the top trying. Feel like i am making all the first steps...

Join the club, I think it takes time and it seems to me that men work better with actions than words.

I am still waiting for words, remorse, etc but doubt if they will come soon, he is still feeling a bit wrong done to......waaaaa why can't I have my special friend and you.!!

But I can see the trying in the actions so that will have to do for a while.

rrrgghh just a few bad days. went on a short vacation with WH, this was supposed to be a trip to renew our vows, well who knew! yeah that sucked. obviously that didnt happen, but it was a nice trip all in all, but back to reality and the same old, sets in. when does the rollercoaster end? when do you need to go to plan b, or do plan a again, when do the constant naging reminders of what he did and how bad it is end. please give me some hope that this gets better beacuse i am getting a bit tired, aggravated. i guess i dont know if this is something i can ever really get over. there is still no contact that i am aware of btw OW, she is trying, sms blocker and call blockers are great. he is nervous around me and thinks i am going to blow up, i may but who knows. just irritated that his actions are consuming my life

What do you mean "who knew"? Did you know that this was the purpose of the trip, or did your H spring this on you?

Why didn't the renewal happen?

Do you feel ready to renew your vows? Are you convinced that the affair is over and you are in recovery?

sorry i meant who knew my life would end up life this... oh no we planned the trip for september, canceled by weather, november rebook, weather and this march. planed together all the while he has carrying on, annoyed that he let me behave like it was my first wedding while he was having an A. didnt happen because i found out 1 month before the trip, i guess after 23 years i didnt think i should jump into things to quickly.Ha! no i am still realing from the thought of what has happened, dont know if i am at any stage in my emotional being to comprehend much. struggling with where to being with recovery i guess is the problem. still playing in my head like watching a bad accident, over and over.

oooh dear thing just got more dramatic.........

well he has had nc with ow, but shes trying very hard. he came clean and told me immediately. she sent 4 emaild and 2 calls today, from account that were not blocked.

2 issues
one- we sent a letter to her, but obv she doesnt get it, 4 emails and 2 calls to him today and i checked he had no repsonse and he sent me the emails. I was thinking about sending a note to her attny that handled her divorce with a copy of the nc letter and a note with the a copy of of the emails, i found she got a huge settlement and custody, or i can track down the ex husband and send it to him, thoughts? i happen to know the ex lawyer....

spite talking

second.. it was not me.... he was not working on it, confronted and agreed, though he wants nothing to do with the skank, he has no idea what to do with himself, ruined enerything, no direction, yada, yada. well I think i am ready to kick his [censored] out and he can see what he is missing and has to deal with it... within ten minutes of the suggestion i know he is nervous. opps my bad (sarcasim).. i think for today tomorrow and maybe the next, i am done with being the ony one fighting for this, i do have an appt with jennifer tomorrow so we will see... tomorrow is all about me!

ok little advice to talk me off the ledge, i want to respond to her emails right now so bad....i have his phone and can at as him......

act as him sorry

Hang on Chicka! Don't respond to her just yet. I think the only contact you might have with OW eventually (not yet!) is to let her know that you intend to file a RO if she doesn't stop the stalking, because that's what it's turning into at this point. Be sure and keep records of the attempts so you'll have a basis for filing something legally to stop her if it comes to that.

Good for your FWH for telling you about the contact. Did you thank him for that or respond in anger? If he's being H&O with you then make it safe to do so.

Good for you for talking to Jennifer!

((Chicka))

oh ok, i guess....but the RO wouldnt be for me it would be for him. what about sending her a copy of the NC letter every day for a week, or sending a copy to the lawyer??

I did thank him and encouraged him, there is no anger that i am showing to him at all. he is feeling that he is not handling this as well as i am and that is bothering him.

princess- thanks for the advice- jennifer agreed that i dont do anything it may cause me more problems.

Today, i think has been the first good day since this all happened, but it is only noon... (and i am on my "mini vacation", where it all about me.) He is reading SAA (and half done!) the light bulb seems to have gone on and he is understanding some of the things that have been happening, emotions, process... actually told me he can now see why the letter, blocks are so important, and he gets it, before it was going thru the motions.

I was thinking about having him speak to jennifer or steve, after he was done with the book. We are already seeing a counselor, so i dont want to frighten him. suggestions on when and how to bring it up?

Listen i know i need to take baby steps with this, i had my first turning point in the last 24hrs and i woud like to move on it.

Observation:

You don't want to frighten him ?

Really?

You must have reason to have such low expectations of him.
Has he historically been cowardly and easily frightened?

Advice:

Your WH ought to welcome any opportunities you present that will allow him to remain married to YOU.

How to bring it up?
Directly.
Without doubting yourself.
With conviction of knowing exactly what sort of man you expect him to be if he remains married to you.

Try something along the lines of ....

"WH, because of adultery on your part, I require more effort from you, not less. I am certain that I will require you speak to one of the marriage coaches from the MB professional staff."

There.

When to bring it up?

Today.

Do it.
Do it with confidence and with courage.

Pep always knows how to say the things we need to hear in a way we need to hear them BANG ON

NO, sorry i didnt mean to sound that bad or in that manner, its just that the the light bulb when off less than 24 hours ago, he is not done with the book (he started last night) and we already see a counselor together once a week and one time alone, so its been more than he has ever experienced, in his life and i just got him out of shutdown mode. I know the rabbit hole he crawls into.

How long are you going to put up with these constant triggers? It's not doing either one of you any good at all to be constantly reminded of this and living in fear of checking your email or phone for messages.

Tell your husband to get a new email address and close the old account. Better yet, you close the account yourself with no automatic forwarding or any of that stuff. Then, if she emails again to his new address, you'll know he gave her the new address.

If he balks, says he needs his old address, then you take over that account, change the password to something only you would know and forward any business-related emails to him.

As for the phone, just change the number. People do it all the time, and if he balks saying it's going to cause too much trouble, then he needs to realize that he's going to get a lot more trouble from you than any of his contacts.

EDIT: And I wouldn't grace that skank with any response at all. It's just what she wants, like a toddler screaming on the floor for attention.

agree that these triggers stink and these were unexpected bc they came from unknown numbers.

if it was his personal phone and email i would have done this on day one. unfortunately it is his work phone & email.... I will still tell him....

I just wanted to be nasty to her for the moment. I am over it.