Yes I know that is why I wanted him to move out. He has been back in the home since the 15th of January. He found out about the affair last weekend and left for a week to clear his mind. He hasn't returned except to just talk about what the future holds.

So, you and your H are not currently living together?

Have you started on that NC letter to the OM yet?

Has your H exposed this A to anyone? Have you told anyone? Who knows about the A, other than you and your H?

Strugglingaz,

You wouldn�t be here if there wasn�t a part of you that very much wants to rebuild rather than destroy your marriage. You�ve taken the 2x4s and are open to at least staying on the forum, which is good.

But you can�t rebuild and your marriage has no hope unless contact ends completely.

We�re all human and flawed and subject to temptation. The secret to overcoming that temptation is recognizing it when it rears its ugly head and then doing something to overcome it.

Talk to your husband when that temptation hits. Let him meet your emotional need.

Don�t demand things from him. You can�t change his behavior. You can only change yours. What can you do to make your marriage better? How can you meet your husband�s emotional needs?

Let him come here and we can talk to him about he can meet yours.

Everyone knows of the affair. My family, our friends, his family, the entire town we live in, etc. I will work on the NC letter.

Please don't exaggerate, there is no way the "entire town" you live in knows of your A.

We are asking for details, as this is important.

Do BOTH sets of parents know?
Do both yours and your husbands siblings know?
Do ALL of your close friends know?
Do ALL mutual friends of yours and the OM know?
Do your children know?

Also, is the OM married? Does his wife or girlfriend know about the A?

The OM has no significant other. Married forever, everyone you mentioned does know. My children don't know because they are 5 and 2.

Ok, so it's been exposed properly.

What are you in need of help with? IMHO the best thing you can and should be doing right now is asking us "what are the best things I can be doing now to repair the damage I have done and to have the best marriage possible?".

But it would be best if you put it in your own words.

I have a random question just to throw out there for anyone...why is it that some (probably most) marriages go on with neither spouse meeting the others emotional needs and they do not fall in the trap of affairs and/or they stay married forever?

It is called BOUNDARIES. People with naturally good, healthy boundaries will not fall into the "trap" of having an affair to solve their momentary or longer unhappiness with the M.

Complacency and defeat. That's my guess.

"Better the devil you know than the devil you don't."

It's the same reason some women stay with abusers. And, as we're finding out, men, too. Women can be abusers, as well.

Healthy personal boundaries and a strong commitment on the part of the individuals in the marriage.

Boundaries meaning what exactly?

Strict spouses who don't let them do anything?

Because in those marriages, the spouses have boundaries in place. We are all wired to have affairs, according to Dr. H. Admittedly, he says it is rare for a married couple who are "in love" to have an affair, but if our spouse is not meeting our needs, that does not cause us to have A's. The reason we have A's is b/c we have poor boundaries with the opposite sex.

Boundaries, as well as Extraordinary Precautions, are what keep a person from having A's.

I'll see if I can find you a good link, unless one of the vets beats me to it!

Not like that - it's as Vibrissa said, personal boundaries.

Please elaborate on "personal boundaries" if one would. Thank you!!

Nope.

Boundaries are parameters you place on your own behavior.

My boundaries are about ME, my behavior, my actions and my choices. They are a reflection of my integrity and beliefs and who it is I want to be.

For example one of my boundaries is I will not discuss my marriage with a member of the opposite sex.

Another is I will not put myself in a situation where I am alone with a member of the opposite sex.

Another is I will not allow my intimate needs to be met by anyone other than my husband.

Another is I will live my life in an honest and straightforward manner, open to all.

Boundaries are about me.

There are boundaries about what I will accept in a partner, such as:

I will not allow myself to be abused. If someone attempts to violate this boundary I will remove myself from this presence.

Boundaries cannot force my spouse to do anything. It is his choice to do or not do whatever he wishes, and it then to me to respond how I chose.

I'm not into spouses 'letting' each other do things. A healthy marriage involves two adults making decisions for their actions. As adults they should then be willing to bear any consequences for those decisions.

There are actions, and there are consequences. I would like my husband to meet my needs. Should he chose not to, then he has to be ok with the consequence that he will have a withdrawn spouse who doesn't love him.

LOL...noooooo.

Your boundaries only control YOU. As in "I will open myself to the possibility of an affair because I will not have personal conversations with people of the opposite sex; I will not engage in recreational activities with people of the opposite sex; I will hide ANYTHING from my spouse".

See how all of those boundaries were in YOUR control? Yet you did not adhere to good, clean personal boundaries.

You cannot put boundaries on others and they cannot put boundaries on you. YOU needed to have boundaries in place so that an affair wasn't even POSSIBLE.

Make sense?

A few examples of boundaries/EPs:

No friendships with opposite sex
No overnights away from spouse
No recreational relationships that don't include spouse
No drugs, no intoxication
Limit alcohol intake
Limit computer use
Transparency in all aspects of life including activities, communication