So, you're assuming that having a HD is the "correct" way for the body to work, since you said that LD people have bodies that don't work correctly. Who's to say that HD is correct and LD is not? Maybe it's the other way around. Actually, I don't believe either way is right or wrong, they are simply different.

And I was merely pointing out that Delta's list of actions all fell under the category of affection. That doesn't mean all of them have to work for you. I suspect they don't work for you because you are confusing SF and A. They are two completely different needs. If you can't fathom a form of A that isn't physical, that's probably because you are mixing A up with SF.

Or he simply has a different definition.

Does it matter what he calls it? If his needs are not met, they are not met.

He needs to make an honest effort at both being 1005 open and honest about his dissatisfaction and put in a 100% effort at meeting her needs. If after a period of 6 months, she doesn't take him and his needs seriously, cut her from the team.

But he needs to be clear what he wants, with examples of what it is he's looking for, and he needs to be certain he understands, accepts and endeavors to meet her needs.

It's fruitless to attempt to redefine anyone's needs. Your needs are either being met or not. What one person may define as affection, the other may say is creepy, and another kinky.

It doesn't really matter. If it's a need, it's a need, period.

I agree. I don't think Cemar is ever going to get his needs met if he won't even tell his wife what his needs are and how he would like them to be met.

So, Cemar, are you going to have a talk with your wife and let her know what your needs are?

Absolutely not, no. This is the exact opposite of what Marriage Builders stands for.

Why don't you get your questions for Dr. Harley on the radio show where he can answer them and clear up misconceptions and tell you how this program works?

It's FREE.

writer1:

Exactly how would I ask for my needs? I want to be wanted. I want my wife to WANT to touch me , to WANT to have sex with me, to WANT to kiss me. I do NOT want my wife to do anything FOR me. Why do people kiss? THey kiss because they WANT to , not because someone ASKS them to. Same with sex. You have sex because you WANT to not becasue someone ASKs you.

If I ask my wife to do these things, it makes it even HARDER for her to prove that she WANTS to do these things.

Cemar, your wife is never going to meet your needs because you refuse to tell her what they are. Why can't you just tell her all of that? What have you got to lose? Maybe, just maybe, together, you and your wife can figure out how to get to a place where she actually does want to do all of that. The MB plan seems to be a good place to start. It's certainly helped a lot of other people rekindle the passion in their marriage.

markos:

I havebeen told that virtually everything that I want from my relationship will either have to wait, or be compromised, or go without. I just want my wife to be the woman I married, but that apparently is not possible.

Who told you this?

writer1:

Here is what I want: I want to be wanted. If your LD, how do you respond to that? Either they will not understand what is being asked, or what is being asked is impossible for them. Asking for specific actions is NOT going to meet the need for desire. Or are we asking the HD spouse to give up on REAL desire?

I'm pretty LD myself at this point in my life, but I can understand what you are wanting. I wasn't always LD. I suspect that if my H and I were doing a better job of getting in our UA time and meeting each other's top EN's that my drive would be a lot higher. I remember the passion I used to feel for my H when I was completely in love with him. Because of a lot of factors (not meeting EN's or UA time, lots of LB's and AO's) my feelings for him aren't what they used to be. They aren't what I would like them to be. But I think if we can get back to that place where we are meeting EN's and spending UA time together and can eliminate those LB's and AO's, I think my drive could come back.

Have you tried what has been suggested to you to get your wife to fall back in love with you? Are you meeting her EN's? Are you spending 20+ hours a week of UA time together? Are you eliminating AO's and other LB's from your relationship? Are you practicing radical honesty and sharing your feelings and wants with your wife?

writer1:

I have brought up several subjects on these boards, like french kissing or oral sex, and I got raked over the coals for not be willing to compromise. Dr. Harely makes it clear that us HD guys have to do the initiating now, and possibly forever. I have been told that I should accept that my wife does things FOR me, rather than does them becasue she really WANTS to do them. I have been told to go without feeling REAL desire.

wrtire1:

Why do you assume that your husband has to go first? Why do you expect your husband to meet your needs FIRST? Usually, the things that make men unattractive, the LBs that they do, are usually the RESULT of their wives being LD, not the other way around.

Where did I say I expect him to go first? I said WE need to do a better job at getting in the UA time and meeting each other's EN's and eliminating AO's and LB's. It's something we both need to work on together.

Where does Dr. Harley make this clear?

A good reminder for everyone.

I love what Mrs. Wondering said in a different thread about falling back in love with her husband:


When I spend quality alone time with my H -- UA like Harley recommends -- my love and good feelings for him shoot through the roof.

And those good feelings cause me to have greater desire to meet his needs.

It really is like a mathematical equation.

Cemar,

Do you understand the questions asked and/or the statements presented?

For one, no one has said the MAN has to go first. So if you repeat that one more time you are being willfully ignorant. If you want my help and I suggest others consider this, then you will no longer LIE about what is suggested or required. That right, if you keep repeating your lines you are making a false statement period.

What has been said is the person who comes here for advice is the one who has to go first. It just happens you are man, so guess what, the advice is for you to go first.

If a women is the one here, the advice will be for her to go first.

Understand? Please respond by saying yes I understand or no I don't, and I suggest no one go any further with you until you quit your lying and complaining and accept the truth regarding the advice here.

If you don't like the advice, you are free to ignore it. If that's your plan, then just leave.

I will waste no more of my time with someone who appears to be willfully ignorant and is willing to continue to lie about what is presented here.

You have the advice, take it or leave it. Get to work, make a better marriage, end your marriage, or suffer in silence, it's your choice. Arguing about the advice presented here does exactly ZERO to make your marriage better.

In the willingness to desire thread, Dr. Harley at the end, says that the husband will have to do most of the initiating, possible forever. He then mentions that the woman has not solved her desire issue yet. Solving the DESIRE issue is the WHOLE point. What I need is what is Dr. Harleys plan from THAT point, how is he going to solve the DESIRE issue. There is a huge portion of women that have real physical problems with desire, and most of it is not realationship issues, these are personal of physical issues of the woman. So NOW what?

What have you done to accomplish the following:

1. Meet your wife's top emotional needs.
2. What is the love buster you perpetrate on your wife that she has said does the most damage and how would she rate you at your success in eliminating that love buster?
3. Have you reached 15+ hours of UA time over the last 6 months?

If you've not accomplished those things yet, you are not ready to ask the question what about her.

Do those things, then come back in six months and ask what next.

Start today, because you don't get to ask what about her until you've fixed your side of the street.

If you ask me or anyone else the question what about her without:

a) detailing what you've done to communicate your love for your wife be eliminating LB and meeting her top ENs as well as ensuring you have 15+ hours of UA time

and

b) before 9/10/2011

There really is no reason to continue this conversation.

We can't fix her. But we can help you with accomplishing the above stated suggestions.

If you have complaints about her, do as I've suggested for as long as you've been here, take them up with HER. But also ask her what are her complaints about you.

The only complaints you should bring here are what she complains about so we can help you eliminate that from your life.

If, after successfully eliminating those behaviors from your life, and learning to meet her needs she is not enthusiastic about meeting your needs, we can discuss the "what about her" questions you want to ask.

But you already know my answer, if she still doesn't get on board, it's time to create a crisis. Tell her in no uncertain terms that you are loving her, but are not getting love back in return and you believe her unwillingness to love you is a betrayal and you refuse to live in a marriage with a wife who doesn't love you.

But give the what about her question a rest for the next six months and focus on how do I accomplish my part in this marriage for that time. You'll have plenty to worry about with that.

Marriage is not about what you get, but what you give. So for a relatively short period of time, you have to be the biggest giver.

Not because you are a man, but because you are the one here asking for advice. Just like in the cases you ask about. The men are asking about how to improve SF. So the man is given the assignment.

When women ask how to engage their husbands, they are instructed to meet his needs, engage in SF, in RC and see if he comes around.

Who goes first is NEVER a gender question, it's a question of who is asking for advice. The one asking for advice is ALWAYS the one who goes first.

If you are asking for advice, you go first.

If you are here to complain, you are at the wrong website.

The clock starts now. I consider the matter of who goes first and gender settled. If you want to discuss that matter further, take it up with your wife, not us. Call Dr Harley, ask him directly.

It's strange how you're pretty sure the plan doesn't solve anything, but Dr. Harley and many other people claim it has solved your exact problem for many people.

It's also strange how you could ask Dr. Harley himself to clear this up for you and bring him your objections and see if he could answer them, and yet you don't.

My husband is LD and I know he wants me. I really don't understand what you want your wife to do? My husband knows that things are important to me and we both initiate SF, and I know that even when I initiate that he desires me, it's obvious.

But, you know something strange? After working on our marriage, the UA time, meeting each other's needs, etc... my drive isn't as strong as it was.