NoComfort, can you bring your husband here? Let him read -- by himself -- and perhaps even create his own posting ID. Let him create his own thread -- AND YOU STAY OFF OF IT.

He is within his rights to want to divorce you. But it doesn't have to be that way. You CAN recover your marriage, and this is the place that will show you how!

By way of example, read the stories of Mr. and Mrs. Wondering.

Maybe they'll even stop by and give you their advice.

I presented the best information I could find. I presented this web site, not my discussion here, but told him that I had been recieving support on what to do and that the worse thing I could do besides what had been done was to not say. According to what i felt and read, I needed to tell him so he could make the best decision for himself. And whatever that decision is I support him. So I presented the web information I found on why spouses cheat, surviving an affair, and Marriage Builders. I also presented scripture on dealing with adultry. I told him that most agree knowledge is power and he said yes. ANd I said it was my responsibility to inform you of this information because without it you did not have the power to make an informed decision, no matter what i felt or whatever. I was not the issue. He said he would go with what his Lord prescribes, that divorce is a remedy and he is glad I told the truth, but as a man and his pride he has to go. He said he hopes that I am happy with this new person. He mentioned that whenever I left (or I suppose went anywhere) that he hoped I would find someone to make me happy. He said he married me anyway knowing the signs. He saw me out when we were dating onetime with someone else. It may have stayed with us our whole 10 years of marriage. But there were so many other things that happened during that time. It does not, absolutely does not justify what I did. I should have left if I were that unhappy as most would say. But instead I stayed and cheated, yes. But it hurt overtime to be rejected. To be left alone. And yes I turned to the comfort of someone else. Whatever the reason now, the damage is done. I have held up to what I said I would do, to tell him so he could make a decision. And I will respect what he decides.

I did point him to the site. Showed it to him and told him this is where I think I really got the supportive information I needed to do the right thing and tell you. It would be good to think he could consider looking at posting. But he may have chosen his method to deal with this. It seemed as of yesterday that he chose to do what was prescribed by his faith - to leave and end the marriage. He said it is not irrevocable , maybe in the future people can change, but for now divorce is prescribed. I have to wait it out right now, I said it does not matter that I would work it out, because it must be an agreed upon matter. We both have to decide. And since I am the one who committed the act I have to be understanding if they do not want to work it out.

You are right Maritalbliss. It is within his right. I respect that.

His reaction : calm, said he was hurt. Said he wish he knew this 5 years ago. Said that he was glad that he did not forfeit the appartment he put a deposit on a few weeks ago. Said he will be leaving by the 25th.

He spoke from what he knows best, what gives him the most comfort, his faith. Said he is an obediant servant and that we see life very differently, tha he fears his Lord and I have a different take on things. Said that when you are not obedient this is what happens.

NC, although your BH told you he's done, he will still be watching you closely to judge how you handle matters now. This is exactly what I did when my H admitted his A.

Purchase the book Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley, the founder of Marriage Builders. It's truly a gift for you because it describes how your BH is feeling right now and the steps you can still take to illustrate your understanding, sorrow, regret, changed beliefs and behaviors and your desire for reconciliation.

Of course it will be up to your BH to agree to recovery, but you can work on your end in the mean time.

Some of the steps include:
- Sending a No Contact (NC) letter to OM approved by your H
- Understanding that it was your weak boundaries that led to your A
- Establishing proper boundaries and a list of unbendable Extraordinary Precautions (EPs)
- Being 100% truthful with your H about the A and answering his questions with as much detail as he asks for
- Offering him just compensation (we'll get into this more at a later time)

Do NOT under any circumstances have any more contact with OM.

No phone, text, email, facebook, driving by his house/work, looking him up, asking about him. NOTHING.

To your H, it will feel like insurmountable betrayal all over again.

He will wonder how it's possible for you to keep on hurting him after you know how devastated he is.

OK , I'll get the book too. you are right I 'still' have to work on myself. I think he is still watching. It seems so. He called me to tell me to change over the utilities in my name today. He said he found Dr. Hadlyes emotional needs survey in the trash. I started it, but it is no use if there is no future with us. He said it may be helpful information in the future. It appears he may be leaving this friday 3/11 and yes that is his choice -I respect that. He asked me for comments. He said I hear you saying that you respect my decision, but do you have any cooments. I said my comments are that I would work on it but this is not a single decision. He said that the decision to divorce was made when I slept with someone else.

NoComfort, my H and I agreed that the only thing that would ever end our marriage would be if one of us were unfaithful to the other. Two years ago he had an affair. We are still together and recovered, with a better marriage than we ever had. And this is not uncommon. You'll see a lot of stories like that here.

Your H is within his right to leave. You have to understand how crushed he is right now. Let him know that it is your desire to recover your marriage. That's what you need to give him right now. In the meantime, work on yourself and read here. It will help you.

This is the case for most 'women'. Most men as I have read and understand are territorial in nature, and deal with issues of pride. They do not forgive as easily or as often. This I accept. I can do the work on me, but there is a big difference in women and men. I accept that it will be this way forever. So while I keep open to his needs and hurt, I can work on myself, but realize it will be a much bigger chance that he will move on. I accept that.

Yes, it is his right to leave, I know. I know he is crushed. Regardless of me not "wanting' to hurt him more by telling him I had to tell him. This is why I came to this site and many others - to decide what to do, the best thing to do. it seemed to be the best thing was to tell him. So that is done. He can now decide what method to take (recovery or spiritual/scriptural and end it) and when he wants to take it. Because i am the perpetratur of the affair, there is not much I can or should do, but just wait to see if he is ok.

NC, after I learned the full truth about my H's A and kicked him out of the house, he begged me to give him another chance.

He got down on his knees, told me how wrong and stupid he was, promised he'd never hurt me this way again, told me he respected my right to kick him to the curb, told me he absolutely knew we could work through his betrayal and pleaded with me to let him try to make things right.

I told him to go away but I'd think about it.

You're in a tough place. You want to respect your H's choice to separate/divorce, but I wonder if he also wants to hear you fight for him and your marriage.

If so, he will want to see you fight for it, too.

This comes across to me as if you are blaming him, or at least saying he isn't as good because of your perception that men are not as forgiving.

Why focus or even enumerate to us what you might think are his shortcomings.

You betrayed him and you need to focus on that and how you are going to act following that, regardless what he may or may not do.

Personally, I think the only fruitful things you can say about him are:

1. I hurt him.

2. List his great qualities.

3. Graciously play down his faults. After all, if you want grace, shouldn't you be gracious to him?

This is a faulty assumption, NoComfort. Each person - male or female - is different in how they respond to an A. Have you looked at other posters' threads on this site? Many are started by betrayed husbands to get help on their marriages after their wives betrayed them.

Yes he is free to decide. But just standing in the sidelines waiting to see what he does and if he's okay, isn't the right thing to do if you want to save the marriage.

What if he wants you to fight for it? He wants to see you prove you're in for the long haul? Just sitting there proves nothing.

If you fight now, at least you know that you put every effort in to saving the marriage.

Just got a call from him letting me know to change the electric and gas into my name. I don't want to stand on the side lines I want to fight for it. I'll try a letter an eamil, and that will at least let him know where I clearly stand.

Regardless of one's faith, human beings have the capacity to love, forgive, and show mercy. My wife recently had an A, and my pride did not get in the way of saving and fixing our marriage.

God's greatest gift, regardless of your particular faith, is the ability to forgive and show love.

sorry if I came accross like that. Yes I betrayed him. And yes I can graciously play down his faults.