I think I have found a new home here. What an answer to prayer. I'll just thank you all for being here right now!
Me H had an EA about 2.5 years ago. When I confronted him with the little info I had, he of course denied it and told me I should and didn't trust him. I immediately knew more was up than what I knew and set about to investigate. What I found was an earful from one of the secretary's in his office. There were red flags flying everywhere and I wanted an explanation and the truth. None of which I got. He did agree to go to counseling, however, he continued to deny what was right in front of his face. WHich of course has driven me CRAZY. Over the course of 2.5 years in couseling, I have been told that I should just believe him...WHAT? In November of 2009, I met with the OW and confirmed some suspicions I had. Several days after that, my DH said he had been lying, had an "ephipany" and agreed to tell the truth. However, what came out of his mouth were MORE Lies. I think in order to protect her. ANyway, since then I insisted that he take a lie detector test to prove to me that he was still lying. He flatly refused for some time and then met with an elder of our church who told him that if he didn't take it, it would not look good and besides, as the man told him, he didn't put any stock in those tests anyway. SO, armed with this knowledge and the counsel of several other "buddies", he decided he would take it. He did this so begrudginly, I almost didn't want him to take it. It was apparent to me that he was doing it for the wrong reasons. (not to give me the truth, to shut me up about it). Well, as you see in my title, he failed it. The examiner actually said it was an interesting result, because my DH answered 1 question with NO deception, but 2 that were clearly deceptive. The one he answered truthfully had to do with : Had he ever had physical sexual relations with "her"? He said no and their was no deception detected. YAY! But, there are still 2 questions he answered deceptively. and that is where we are currently stuck. He insists he told the truth. I insist he did not. Does anyone have any suggestions on where we should go from here? And BTW, he still works with her. She got a divorce the summer I discovered their EA. My DH claims he was just consoling her. THey have worked together for many years and were "just firends". But I have always felt, there was too much between them and they got along just a little too well. When years ago I confronted him about this, he told me I was way off base and to TRUST HIM.!! IKES I need some direction.

You need paragraphs.

WELCOME TO MARRIAGEBUILDERS

Your marriage cannot elevate to a new level of love & respect & trust while they still work together.

I'd make this a boundary issue.

Thanks

*** LINK *** to Basic Concepts

Please click and read all the way through including all the links.
Do not try to take a short cut to learning MB by relying only on the forum.

Well, he flunked it because he is lying. So what is your answer to that?

If I were in your shoes, I would separate and go into Plan B. And let me explain why. He is still in his affair because he sees his lover every day at work. He lies because he is protecting the affair. He is keeping that door open. He will never withdraw from her and your marriage will never recover this way. Never. It is impossible. So what you face is a death of a thousand cuts with no end in sight unless he a) quits the job and ends all contact with the OW and b) commits to a program of recovery.

Staying with him while he continues to see the OW every day will only result in emotional and physical problems for you, BECAUSE THIS IS ABUSE. Adultery is abuse and as you have discovered, it is extremely traumatic to live like this. Staying with him in this manner runs the greatest risk of divorce because he is killing any remaining love you have for him and his continued affair only becomes more and more entrenched.

Additionally, I would expose the affair wide and far. Tell your children, family, his workplace, HER HUSBAND, her family, everyone. I bet her H knows all about their affair too and can give you much information.

This plan I propose is the best hope for your marriage. What you are doing is killing your marriage [and your mental health] in a slow death.

The MB stance on contact (working together) after adultery .....



Later, after you've read (and understand) the basic MB concepts, click on the "carrot/stick" link in my sig line.

How to Survive an Affair chapter in HIS NEEDS, HER NEEDS
p. 177

...I have seen husbands build new and wonderful relationships with their wives but then go back to their lovers after five or six years of what appeared to be marital bliss. When I ask them why, they inevitably tell me they miss the woman terribly and still love her. At the same time they stoutly affirm they love their wives dearly and would not think of leaving them.

I believe a man like this has told the truth. He is hopelessly entangled and needs all the help possible to be kept away from his lover and stay faithful to his wife. I often recommend that a man once involved in an affair come in to see me every three to six months on an indefinite basis, just to talk about how things are going and to let me know how successfully he has stayed away from his lover. He must resign himself to a lifetime without her. HE MUST CERTAINLY NOT WORK WITH HIS FORMER LOVER AND SHOULD PROBABLY LIVE IN SOME OTHER CITY OR STATE. Even with those restrictions the desire for her company persists...

I understand the need for this. He was moved temporarily, but still had some contact. Recently he was moved back to where she is.
He claims he "can't" just quit. Unfortunatly, our counselor seems to agree, as well as many of our "friends".

So I am the one who is being ridiculous (in his eyes) to expect him to do this. After all, it was only a EA, not a PA, and in his mind, he really didn't have an "affair".

Bill Clinton. That is the first thing I thought of when I read this. He may believe sexual relations is intercourse. Anything else isn't.

IMO the question should have been "any sexual contact with any person at any time during your marriage."

Asking again.
It's very important to know what the other 2 questions were.

word
for
word

I would find a qualified "counselor" because yours is going to destroy your marriage. The only unfortunate part is that you are taking his advice. Most counselors don't have the slightest idea how to save marriages, much less understand the dynamics of adultery. Dr Harley is a clinical psychologist who specializes in saving marriages from adultery, on the other hand.

Anyone who tells you continued contact is ok doesn't know what they are talking about. I don't know of any marriage that recovered while the affair partners were still in contact in my 10 years on this board. Dr Harley says it is impossible. I do know of NUMEROUS affairs that continued for years when the affair partners continued to work together.

And yes, your husband can quit. He is not an endentured servant. He WON'T quit because he does not want to give up his affair. You should not tolerate this for one minute. It is up to you to protect your boundaries, my friend, and take steps to save your marriage. So far, you have allowed a marriage wrecking wayward husband to drive the ship.

Do you have direct evidence of the affair? Have you been snooping on him and gathering evidence?

QFT. This is really important to understand.

Please answer Pep's question.

Question #1 Did you make an agreement with "her" to mat and or frame her picture? Answer NO, this showed deception (as I knew)

Question #2 Have you had any social contact with her in the last 6 months? Answer NO, this showed deception (as I suspected)

Obviously,there are explanations to go with both of these.

Question #1 -I found an email from her that the subject line said "ONLY ONE I COULD FIND". The picture was a 4 generation photo of her and 3 gen's of women in her family. I have a custom picture framing business in our home. I suspected that he had offered to frame this picture for her and to do it behind my back. Looking back, it explains why I found him in my studio and when questioned about it he said "I was just turning out the lights". I knew I had turned the lights out. But at the time, I hadn't found the email from her yet. Also, looking back I recall him having a new interest on how to do certain things to frame a picture. He is capable, but was wanting very detailed info (from me) on how to do this or that.

This was the first concrete piece of info I found that sent the first red flags flying.

He completely denied having seen the email or the picture for a year and a half until he had his "ephipany". Then he said, he did see it, he did deny it and to explain it, he claimed he "just wanted a picture of her to have at home". Mind you, this is our home computer that sits in full view of everyone in our living room, and which already had some pictures of her in it from various work outings of which I attended.

She explained the email as her wanting a price FROM ME on matting the pictures.
Very long story, not sure of what details are necessary.

Question #2 Had to do with the fact that our counselor had recommended that he reveal all conversation or encounters that were anything other than work related, to me. Everyday he was to give me a "report". I found out thru her that she was privy to this fact. He told her he had to do this. I needed to know if he had been lying about this as he was constantly coming to me with the most innocent of contact and I felt there was more than he was revealing. I caught him lying about knowing about a party they had for her. I had to contact a co-worker to verify his lie, but he then admitted he did lie about it. This was about 9 months ago.

The distinction was made very clear before the ? was asked.

I read thru most all the of BC principles.

What did this secretary tell you?

Also have you ever put a GPS/VAR in his car? Do you have access to his phone/email records?

She told me that there was major flirting going on between them and at one time the boss had to tell him to get out of her office. You see it happened quite predictably, there was already an attraction there and at the time he was working closely with her. He drives a truck normally, but they had put him in a supervisors position while someone was on leave of absence. so he was filling in. The secretary also claimed she didn't fell it was my H who was doing most of it, but the OW. The OW got a divorce during the EA with my H.