God bless and keep you and your wife happy together and thank you. here is the email draft that I am composing but before I send it , I will wait on a few responses:


(BH)
I gave the information to the car insurance company they needed to update the account and called power company. I just wanted you to know where I clearly stand as sitting in the sidelines letting you make your decisions may not be enough as I was advised.

I knew this was going to be a choice between saying the truth or living a lie. I don't know if living the lie would have ever worked now because I did not choose that road. I chose the road of truth. And yes, as everyone is saying and I agree you have every right to leave. I just want you to know that my position is that I would do everything I could to save the marriage if given that chance. But in order to do that the majority of advice I was given (and how I felt) said I had to put it all out there because that is the only way to see if we can and if we are on the same page to do so. Before I go on, again I do understand you have the right to go. I will share with you some of the information that I have recieved in an email to follow. Below are the links to websites that I have read.

I don't have all the perfect words or perfect answers. I hurt you. I shamed you. I am wrong. I am sorry. I can start there. I am willing to work on the marriage, but will accept your decision to divorce, because I betrayed you. Either way I still have work to do on myself, this I know. It may be helpful to read each link in the order that it appears. Read only what you feel you can read, or nothing at all if you cannot do it.

***EDIT***
Moderator note: Links to other sites removed

I wouldn't say "as I was advised." You are doing this from your heart, not because you were advised to do it.

Again to say "as everyone is saying" implies that this is not from your heart. You don't need to mention any help you are receiving. This is from YOU.

NoComfort, I don't know if I would include references to other peoples' advice and website links right now. It sort of sounds like you're trying to educate him and he may resent that.

How about if you pull those references out and try writing this without them? I think it would mean a lot more coming just from you.

THank you both. Will do.

I would start with that.

As I'm sitting here thinking, emotionally, I think he is gone. maybe sending this is still a very good idea, but no I don't think he wants to hear the 'forgive me lets work it out'. maybe I should definately just start with the appology.

You're absolutely right about him not wanting to hear "forgive me."

My husband has never asked for forgiveness. Some cheaters expect it. Big difference.

Focus on sincere apologies and changing your beliefs and actions. Let him witness the changed you.

Don't go down the "what more can I do?" path.

Do all you can do and keep doing it. For him and for you.

Has OM tried to contact you?

How did you end it with him?

If you'd like to send a NC letter (which you should), let us know if you need a sample.

This is what is really from my heart:
"....I know right now you have your mind made up. Everything depended on which remedy or solution was chosen. As it stands now, the road or remedy for solutions is the Quran, and in this remedy, this is final. Before I go on, again I do understand you have the right to go. I just wanted you to know that I don't have all the perfect words or perfect answers. I betrayed you. I hurt you. I shamed you. I am wrong. And I am sorry. I can start there. This needed to be said and I mean this from my heart.

I knew this was going to be a choice between saying the truth or living a lie. I don't know if living the lie would have ever worked now because I did not choose that road. I chose the the road of truth. I just wanted you to know what I was feeling. Given the remedy chosen, the only work that I can do is on myself now. Given a different remedy, my position would be do everything I could to save the marriage - but that would mean a different remedy, and that would mean going against what you are feeling right now. I think that right now, I just need to say that I am sorry."

I ended it with him in person. Face to face. Said I just cannot do this anymore. It was too much for me. Yes i wold like to see the letter also.

Sent my final draft:

I know right now you have your mind made up, and everything depended on which remedy or solution was chosen. As it stands now, the road or remedy for solutions is the Quran, and in this remedy, this is final. I knew this was going to be a choice between saying the truth or living a lie. I don't know if living the lie would have ever worked now because I did not choose that road. I chose the the road of truth. I just wanted you to know what I was feeling. Given the remedy chosen, the only work that I can do now is on myself . Given a different remedy, my position would be do everything I could to save the marriage - but that would mean a different remedy, and that would mean going against what you are feeling right now. I think that right now, I just need to say that I am sorry.

Before I go on, again I do understand you have the right to go. I just wanted you to know that I don't have all the perfect words or perfect answers. I betrayed you. I hurt you. I shamed you. I am wrong. And I am sorry. I can start there. This needed to be said and I mean this from my heart.

OK, he responded with positive,moving forward remarks:

(BH)
"I appreciate all that you have done to get to this point of honesty. That is extremely important to me."

I think I can consider this done for now. Thanks all. And I'll check back soon. I'm gonna need support.

Don't go anywhere, NoComfort. Stay on this site - you've got a real education coming. If your marriage recovers, that would be fantastic. But you want this for yourself as well. Read the articles on this site. Come here and ask questions. Let us know how you're progressing, okay?

Right now, honesty is everything. It was everything to me when I was betrayed. This is a positive sign. He needs to start processing this all. It takes time.

Sample NC letter:

OM,

The relationship I had with you was thoughtless and cruel. It hurt many people, particularly my husband, who did not deserve to be treated that way. I am committed to my marriage and determined to make up for all the hurt I've caused my family. I am going to work hard to be the wife and mother they deserve.

Because of the terrible offense to my husband and the damage I have done to our marriage, I am permanently ending all contact with you. Please respect my wish to regain my integrity and to heal my family. Please also respect my wish that you not attempt to contact me in any way at any time.

My husband has all the details of our relationship, and he will also be told of any attempts at contact.

(name)

---

After the letter is written, Dr. Harley recommends that the betrayed spouse read and approve it before it is sent.

I doubt it will recover but yes I am committed to stay on this site. I am comforted by the raw but honest responses and the extremely open support to talk about this. I could never imagined that such support existed. I can only say thank you. I am glad my mom called me today because she must have known I was headed down the "beat myself to a bloody pulp" path. Im glad she saved me from that ride and put a smile on my face today.

Thanks Wiser. I think I do need to be careful how much I dig into myself. I need to keep strong so I can take care of my young one.

DD = 16 awesome teen.

This is a great letter and even though I may not use it now in saving this marriage, I pray I may never need it after this marriage.

As the saying goes, you can control your choices but you can't control the consequences. Try to be the best person you are capable of being, and perhaps your husband's love can overcome his anger. Men certainly are capable of forgiving. I did.

We finished talking about the 'why' part tonight. I didnt have the words yesterday but I had the words today. I'm glad I was able to say them. That when a person is missing someting from their life, a need, a void, they fill it sometime wt with things that are not healthy - prescription drugs, alchohol, food, affairs. I am no differnt than any other person in that I have needs and weaknesses. I did the wrong thing and I tried to fill my void with something to take a way the pane. He asked me how do I know it was wrong - I said because the pain is still there. That is how you know.